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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Leaving family Christmas and taking my children home

394 replies

GinLou · 24/12/2023 02:51

Between my partner and I we have 8 kids, we were never together when they were little so although it's a lot it doesn't always feel like it. We've been together 5 years, his wife passed and my children's dad isn't involved.
Christmas for the last 2 years was all the kids (or those who wanted to come home) at ours for a low key day centred around food and PJs, this is how it's always been. This year his parents are selling their house, it's the house he grew up in and they invited everyone over. It's a large 7 bed but a lot of the adult children have got hotels, but are here from breakfast to gone midnight. There's 26 people all in.
This Christmas is very different to ours, a lot of drinking, TikTok dancing, games, chatter you name it. It's never quiet and definitely not chill. There's also no way to avoid it, there are 3 rooms available in the day the sitting room, the snug and the conservatory. The youngest group 13-18/19 seem to all be pushed into the snug, the adult children 19-26ish in the conservatory/dining room and the adults (partners parents, siblings and the such) in the sitting room. Obviously there's lots of mixing too but this has been the default most of the 2 days so far. It's overwhelming and I'm an adult!!

Tonight 2 of my 3 children came to me (13 and 15) and expressed they aren't having fun they want to go home. DD was crying saying it's too much and she's tired, we are due to be here until the 27th.
I think the issue is they don't know these people, the in jokes, the history etc. lots of mention of partners late wife which makes me uncomfortable and DD said it makes her feel weird.

I called my own mum and told her everything and she suggested we just come home and go there, it will just be them, my sister, her son but they have enough to feed 12 my mum thinks.

I'm so tempted!! I hate all this loud noisy fun, all the games are tedious, TikTok dances make me cringe and I don't feel included.

I haven't spoken to my partner yet, but I'm thinking of suggesting my kids and I leave tomorrow and have a quiet Christmas with my family then we can celebrate together on the 28th when we are all home.
DS is 17 and seems to be having a nice time so I'd ask him if he wants to stay but I know my girls want to go home.

AIBU to be considering this?

OP posts:
DisforDarkChocolate · 24/12/2023 08:39

All those thinking it's rude to leave do you think it's far ruder that all the people hanging out in the room these girls are sleeping aren't going to bed till 2pm?

I cannot imagine doing this.

AlisonDonut · 24/12/2023 08:39

margotrose · 24/12/2023 08:21

It is rude, but OP doesn't appear to have done anything about it. She has her own room but seems happy to let her DD's sleep downstairs in the snug instead of swapping rooms or putting them in with her?

There are so many things that should be tried before saying "fuck it" and going home. Especially because the implications of disappearing now would be huge.

Show quote history

The implications would be, that it would be ever so slightly less crowded.

Yeah, huge.

NeedToChangeName · 24/12/2023 08:43

It would be very rude to leave, especially if you plan to go elsewhere instead

But you should be able to find a compromise. Why can't some of the stay up late crowd sleep in the snug?

hot2trotter · 24/12/2023 08:44

Sounds like my idea of hell - but I would have known that upon receiving the invitation and politely declined.

Just leave. Have the Christmas you want. Your poor girls are miserable so at the very least they should get to leave it they want to and be dropped off at your parents house. I wouldn't force them to stay there if they have no privacy and are genuinely struggling with all of the people/noise.

Mouse82 · 24/12/2023 08:45

DisforDarkChocolate · 24/12/2023 08:39

All those thinking it's rude to leave do you think it's far ruder that all the people hanging out in the room these girls are sleeping aren't going to bed till 2pm?

I cannot imagine doing this.

It's more proof that girls are taught at a young age that they need to be quiet to not rock the boat especially a mans boat. That their feelings don't matter. That it might drive the partner away. Keep it up and it'll only drive the girls away.

ValkyrieAssassin · 24/12/2023 08:45

Oh heavens. That is my idea of a complete nightmare. So it is what- meant to be 6 days of that in total?

I think I would try and stay for Christmas day using some of the ideas suggested- your Dds have your room during the day to nap and rest and you go out for the day and get some lunch quietly etc. Then say your mum is so sad to have missed you and so you need to go to her on Boxing day.

But even that is not that ideal - as someone who needs alot of downtime away from other people the whole set up makes me feel really queasy.

Very best of luck.

Lifeasiknowitisout · 24/12/2023 08:46

DisforDarkChocolate · 24/12/2023 08:39

All those thinking it's rude to leave do you think it's far ruder that all the people hanging out in the room these girls are sleeping aren't going to bed till 2pm?

I cannot imagine doing this.

I agree. But they may not realise it’s an issue.

I prefer a low key Christmas. But I grew up with huge ones. Late music early mornings didn’t bother any of the kids for a few days. So they may not have even thought it was an issue if all the other kids in the family are fine with it.

But there’s an easier way to resolve it. Which would be to have a conversation ‘the late nights and early morning aren’t something my kids are used to. Could we do xyz’. That would be far easier than packing up and leaving. and would have far less fall out later.

wronginalltherightways · 24/12/2023 08:47

Mouse82 · 24/12/2023 08:45

It's more proof that girls are taught at a young age that they need to be quiet to not rock the boat especially a mans boat. That their feelings don't matter. That it might drive the partner away. Keep it up and it'll only drive the girls away.

Show quote history

I agree.

They shouldn't have to be miserable in the middle of a herd of people that don't give two hoots about how they might be feeling in their no place to hide scenario.

And the fact that they need a place to hide - at Christmas - is pretty sad.

Take them and yourself to your mum's, OP.

HikingforScenery · 24/12/2023 08:48

I agree with swapping your room with the girls. Maybe if your partner also has to deal with kid music abc being disturbed, he might say something to his family.

You could get a hotel with your girls and join your partner and his family during the day.

I would really hate not being able to escape during the day too. It won’t help much but can you take the girls out during the day for some downtime?

Namefleeting · 24/12/2023 08:48

PyongyangKipperbang · 24/12/2023 05:08

I cannot believe the amount of people saying that its ok for the kids to be miserable at Xmas just to avoid offending people who dont seem to care about them!

They are stuck in a room with no privacy, they have no chance to catch up on sleep as there is no room for negotiation on meal times, and they have actively said that they want to leave.

If you would put your kids through that then you are bad parent.

Quite!

phoenixrosehere · 24/12/2023 08:49

DisforDarkChocolate · 24/12/2023 08:39

All those thinking it's rude to leave do you think it's far ruder that all the people hanging out in the room these girls are sleeping aren't going to bed till 2pm?

I cannot imagine doing this.

Neither can I and it’s ridiculous so many think they should to seemingly not cause issues. Issue was caused placing them in there in the first place. Good hosts would consider this and make sure everyone is as comfortable as they can be. I wouldn’t be allowing music to be going til 2 am knowing people were trying to sleep. I understand the importance to the in-laws but that doesn’t mean they don’t consider others when choosing to host.

If OP had declined coming, that probably would have caused issue too.

SoreAndTired1 · 24/12/2023 08:52

Go home. It's not even Christmas Day, let alone 27th/28th, and your daughter/children are miserable! I felt suffocated reading your post! That is no way to spend Christmas. Even if your partner wants you to stay, put your children's needs and feelings above his/yours.

NotQuiteHere · 24/12/2023 08:53

You decide how you want to spend your time, nobody else. You should take into account how others will react, but certainly those who do TikTok dances would not be offended by your departure. By the way, nobody likes queueing for the bathroom, your absence will make the situation easier for everyone.

Mouse82 · 24/12/2023 08:54

wronginalltherightways · 24/12/2023 08:47

I agree.

They shouldn't have to be miserable in the middle of a herd of people that don't give two hoots about how they might be feeling in their no place to hide scenario.

And the fact that they need a place to hide - at Christmas - is pretty sad.

Take them and yourself to your mum's, OP.

Show quote history

Mum married my stepfather when i was 7/8 and left me in many uncomfortable situations so not to rock the boat. To this day, I still don't celebrate christmas due to things.

At the end of the day, we are our children's voices and if we don't speak up for them in situations that make them uncomfortable what are we teaching them. That their needs don't matter.

Holly60 · 24/12/2023 08:54

I think you should stay until Christmas Day evening at least as it would be rude to leave now.

I also think you should give your girls your room to chill in today and maybe even have a nap. You could also go out for a walk/ go to a cafe just you and your kids today to get them out of the house.

Then next year you will know what your kids can cope with.

I think it would be exceptionally rude to leave your partner's parents to spend Christmas Day at your mum's.

cantbecaught · 24/12/2023 08:55

Oh my god I would feel like you, that sounds horrendous to me. My kids come first at Christmas and I'm sure yours do too. Just be honest with partner. This is overwhelming, my kids are crying and need a break. We love your family but this is just too big and noisy. You should definitely escape to your mum's, I 100% would.

SoreAndTired1 · 24/12/2023 08:56

Holly60 · 24/12/2023 08:54

I think you should stay until Christmas Day evening at least as it would be rude to leave now.

I also think you should give your girls your room to chill in today and maybe even have a nap. You could also go out for a walk/ go to a cafe just you and your kids today to get them out of the house.

Then next year you will know what your kids can cope with.

I think it would be exceptionally rude to leave your partner's parents to spend Christmas Day at your mum's.

No, it is not rude to leave now. It would be rude and selfish to stay and make her children miserable and crying. Only a selfish mother would do that. Children come first.

PurpleOrchid42 · 24/12/2023 08:56

bonzaitree · 24/12/2023 04:06

YABU to think that this would be a good idea!

Take your kids out tomorrow to have some chilled time. Let them read or play in your room for the remainder of the day. Stay for Xmas dinner on 25th then drive home. Leaving before Xmas day would be rude and would be tricky for your husband and other kids.

Agree!

rookiemere · 24/12/2023 08:56

HikingforScenery · 24/12/2023 08:48

I agree with swapping your room with the girls. Maybe if your partner also has to deal with kid music abc being disturbed, he might say something to his family.

You could get a hotel with your girls and join your partner and his family during the day.

I would really hate not being able to escape during the day too. It won’t help much but can you take the girls out during the day for some downtime?

Hotel idea is a good one, if it's affordable at this point. Gives you and your girls some space, without being rude and leaving.

It also gives you a reason to leave on Christmas Day evening because of the cost. You could also say that the DDs want to see their DGPs.

Honestly it was a bit silly to arrange to stay for so long without knowing the sleeping arrangements.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 24/12/2023 08:58

.

Mouse82 · 24/12/2023 08:58

SoreAndTired1 · 24/12/2023 08:56

No, it is not rude to leave now. It would be rude and selfish to stay and make her children miserable and crying. Only a selfish mother would do that. Children come first.

Show quote history

Nothing like installing in girls at a young age that their needs don't matter and that they should be seen and not heard. As long as the man's needs are met. Don't rock the boat.

phoenixrosehere · 24/12/2023 08:58

NotQuiteHere · 24/12/2023 08:53

You decide how you want to spend your time, nobody else. You should take into account how others will react, but certainly those who do TikTok dances would not be offended by your departure. By the way, nobody likes queueing for the bathroom, your absence will make the situation easier for everyone.

Would they even notice? They’re rude enough to think it’s ok to have music going til 2am and have young children running about in a room they put people to sleep in. They might be happy to have the snug back.

cantbecaught · 24/12/2023 08:58

Rocknrollstar · 24/12/2023 08:34

Unfortunately children have to learn that they can’t always be happy. Can they spend time during the day in your bedroom? You need to stay for Xmas Day and then go home on Boxing Day. Promise the children treats and a fun time when they get home. Have a second Xmas Day at home. Please don’t upset everyone else by leaving before Xmas Day. Maybe the children will settle down and enjoy themselves.

I cannot believe anyone in the world would think Christmas Day was a good time to teach children they can't always be happy! I am struggling to believe any parent in the whole world would back this viewpoint. What????

WhatNoRaisins · 24/12/2023 08:58

If you do end up staying with the girls until Boxing day then be realistic with them when they get some. They will probably want a lot of sleep and downtime.

margotrose · 24/12/2023 09:00

The implications would be, that it would be ever so slightly less crowded.

I don't know whether you're being deliberately obtuse or not, but the implications would be that she could destroy her relationship with her future in-laws and even with her partner.