AIBU to think we NEED to repair society however we can

[Puffalicious]

I occasionally see posts from the local FB page- good to keep up with things happening etc. Recently there have been many posts with people helping each other for Christmas- signposting people looking to donate toys/ food etc, the odd person asking (very mixed area, big city, so wealthy folk mixed with people struggling & everything in between).

Yesterday a post grabbed me, an anonymous post looking for food to tide them over until 29th when paid. Seemed very genuine. They asked for a PM, which I did, along with a few others it seems. It was a young girl, pregnant who had no-one & no food. I usually give to the local food bank- had just Yesterday done a larger, Christmas donation whilst doing my shop- but she seemed outside the system, working with unexpected costs.

We exchanged a few messages & she said she wasn't fussy, eats most things & whatever I thought would be great. She wasn't askimg for anything else. I did a week's shop including items for breakfast, lunch & dinner & some treats, including plenty fresh fruit & veg, milk, bread, washing powder & shampoo. She said she had no plans for Xmas day, so I offered to plate up & drop off.

When I went to drop the food she met me at the door with a joint in her hand. She's 6 months pregnant. Unfortunately her hallway was full of filthy stuff & the stench that hit me was unbearable. We chatted a bit: she had lived there 4 years & had 5 other children- the eldest lives with the father, the other 4 with her mum. She would be at her mum's for Xmas, she 'never misses one', so did have someone cooking for Xmas. The father of her child is in a city hours away- she's just back from visiting & wants to distance herself.

I wished her a Merry Christmas & asked if she needed things for the baby- I gave her details of local places to contact if needed. She says she cannot work - another thing she was untruthful about, but she may have her reasons.

I know I can't save the world, & I'm pleased she has food, but I feel that I won't do this again? I'm not sure why I feel like this, but I think I'll stick to giving to the local food bank. I feel like I'm not judging, maybe I am in my own way?

Where has society got to where a 25 year old will have 6 children, 5 of which are not in her care & the 6th probably under social work watch? How can we fix this? I work in education & see ACES & trauma in the young people who come from such situations. Where are we going wrong? What can we do? She seemed pleasant & perhaps with half a chance she may have had a different path.

I'm wittering now.

YABU- Society is how it is, we can't change people.

YANBU- We need to try to change society for the sake of that unborn baby & many like it.

You don’t - you need to separate the 2 issues and even addicts need to eat ! You can’t solve all the problems however much it would be nice to but you can support those who need it.

@TisnottheseasontobeND But nobody is claiming this woman is an addict. She appears to be feckless and was smoking weed while accepting free food. Providing free food just frees up more of her budget for phone contracts, weed, netflix, booze, etc.

What makes me cross about stories like this is that because of this girl, there will be others who need help but whose pleas are ignored because people don’t feel they can trust them.

I had a similar experience once…

I used to walk under the same bridge on the way to work everyday, and most days the same “homeless” lady was there. I never gave anything as I felt like I’d become obligated to give something every day, but we exchanged pleasantries most mornings and she never minded that I didn’t.

One Christmas Eve she was there looking very disshevelled. I asked her where she would be spending Christmas, she said she didn’t know, didn’t know where she would be eating. I said - I don’t give you anything through the year but here is £50 for Christmas, I hope you find somewhere warm to stay and a meal for a couple of days. She looked surprised and thanked me.

About two weeks later I walked through an estate near our flat to a different convenient store to the one I’d normally use. And at the store, I saw her. Fully washed up and dressed in smart warm tracksuit, cigarette in hand and walking down with two teenage kids, who also looked well fed and clean… ie they clearly had a comfortable home nearby.

I felt completely cheated and because of her I won’t give to anyone on the street again. I’ll give to charities, but not individuals.

I remind myself there have always been cheats in the world and it doesn’t make everyone bad, but it still irks me.

Then she needs support and education to help with drug issues and budgeting not starving her into the behaviour society wants

How naive. Bless.

I don’t understand why you feel the need to be so patronising? I don’t think it’s ever acceptable to restrict anyone’s access to food ? Yes some may abuse the system but you have to account for that in order to reach all who genuinely need help ?

Who restricted her access to food? The taxpayer is almost certainly paying for food, housing everything else.

I know that OP gave her food but the opinion seems to be from quite a few people that she shouldn’t have any income freed up by receiving free food in an attempt to change her behaviour?

And it seems to be the opinion that in general food banks are enabling people ?

The only person restricting her access to food, is her!

Do you think that everybody on benefits should be free to spend 100% of their money on luxuries and then have the basics, such as food, provided via foodbanks?

Those that I know on benefits are paying their bills first then having hardly anything left for food so have no choice but to go to food banks

This magic word 'support' again

What do you mean by that

How much education and budgeting work do you think she has had if several of her children are in the care of others already, she will have been through a myriad of early help workers and social workers and probably accessed sure starrt and home start if her children were around at those times.

Its very likely she knows what she should prioritise but makes different choices.

That's funny. All the people I know on benefits are lazy wasters living in government funded houses with multiple cars. Not to mention a frankly incredible level of entitlement.

I would suggest that the people you know reduce their bills... and then get a job.

People don't understand the true cost of children because of benefits like uc/tc
Before then if you wanted another child you would see if you could increase your hours etc.
Now if you increase your hours you lose money or end up with an overpayment but in black and white is how much money you are getting if you have another child.
If we want people to take responsibility for themselves then let them be able to work themselves out of poverty.

Yes there will always be a few like this women but much easier to detect and support/help.

To change her behaviour to do what? Smoke more weed? Very strange reason for people to want to give out free food to people who already get funded by taxpayers.

That’s not what I see, and two of the families I know do work and UC is a top up , the other family has disabled dc so both parents are carers - they don’t have a car and they can’t reduce their bills (things like having to use the washer and dryer more , heating, high grocery bills due to food issues) it’s not simple or easy and this idea that people on benefits are living lavish lifestyles isn’t correct

And you say ‘government funded housing’ but most of the time it’s v high private rental and that gets paid by the government to the landlord who is using that rental income to pay his mortgage - so that’s the real person getting a government funded house

Benefits claimants are NOT parasites

Unfortunately, some are - see my earlier post regarding the guy that's been on the sick since the 90's despite there being nothing wrong with him.

It seems this issue is polarising opinions. She had no food, now she has, Im happy about that. She answered other people on the FB post to say she thanked me & another poster who provided a fuel card & she didn't need more help. So seems she wasn't out to get everything she could.

I hope she has access to budgeting & help with organising/ cleaning her home. It's a housing association flat in a good area, the communal areas are kept immaculate, so there should be help for her through them.

If she contacts again I'll not respond, & stick to local foodbanks. Thanks all.