Sister faked going away at xmas???

[user1498460618]

So every year we go to my Sister and BIL house on xmas day lunch. There are 4 of us, 4 of them, plus our mum and dad. My Sis is a great cook and does a really good lunch with excellent matched wines etc. Her and BIL are quite well off so always cover the cost of everything.

In July they announced they were going away to France this Christmas, so I have made plans to host my parents. It's really stressful as I work in the NHS and worked right up to today and now have to do all the shopping and cooking.

I have just driven by their house and the lights were on, which I was surprised about and I worried they were getting burgled or something. I parked up and went to knock on the door. My Sis was there making prep for xmas lunch in her kitchen!! She said they decided not to go to France at the last minute as the borders looked crazy, so are staying home and just decided to have a small lunch the 4 of them as they knew I had already made alternative plans. She said she was going to call me tomorrow to tell me.

However I can see they have ordered a fair bit in from places you need to be organised to buy from - ie the local goose farmer that sells out in October. I am a bit annoyed at the great expense and work I have had to go to when they are here all along. Plus I now have to host my elderly mum and dad and driven them to and from ours which means I can't have a drink until later.

I told them they could have mum and dad now and she said she can't as they only have enough food for 4. She's a prolific cook so this is unlikely.

It looks like they planned this long ago as a way to get out of hosting. AIBU to be a bit annoyed about it?

Good on your sister!!

I’m in a couple of minds about this. From what the OP has written, her family is enormously difficult. It’s interesting that her sister couldn’t be direct and say that she wants a year off hosting.

I wouldn’t be surprised if her husband had put his foot down and said that he’s just about had enough of her family at Christmas. At which point she made up a story because she’s learnt that it is the only way. Do they ever have a year where they see his family?

The OP does not write in a particularly sympathetic way but she has been left with two nightmares who hate each other. She feels that her sister has set a high standard - perhaps one or both of the nightmares complains when it isn’t as good.

The parents are not so old that they cannot cope with someone telling them that they are being difficult. It will feel uncomfortable but it is acceptable to say that you just don’t want to hear about whatever niche academic topic the father wants to talk about. Or that you need the mother to talk about something other than herself for a few minutes. It’s likely that the nightmare parents have put themselves first for a long time and the sisters have got in the habit of doing so too.

Your sister is in the right, she probably wanted a quiet one with her family after years of hosting.

I hosted yesterday, again, after about 12 years and I’ve decided I’m not next year! I want to spend the day with my kids, not glued to the oven obsessing over timings.

You sound very entitled. I can see why your sister did this. YABU

Even after reading your update I think you are still being unreasonable and a bit entitled

You think you're "in it together" - I suspect your sister doesn't share that view... The time & great expense you mention in your first post has been her burden up to now.

In your shoes I'd be wondering why my sister didn't feel she could be honest with me. I imagine from your first post because she knew you'd be angry that she wasn't doing the donkey work this year and would try and force her. If you want to have a good relationship with your sister you need to reflect on this.

I think maybe you both should refuse to host DPs in future if they're that unpleasant.

@user1498460618 you have a really hard neck!!! it is very tiring doing the hosting year in year out! is one year for you doing the hosting of your parents too much for you? you sound like a really selfish arsehole to me!

I am a bit annoyed at the great expense and work I have had to go to when they are here all along. Plus I now have to host my elderly mum and dad and driven them to and from ours which means I can't have a drink until later

I’m not convinced it’s just your parents that have driven your sister to do this. You sound like you are a cheeky fucker. The sheer level of entitlement you are displaying is outrageous. What makes you so special that you shouldn’t have to go to the same trouble and expense that your sister goes to every year, to make sure that you and your family have a lovely day? And she must have known that you would react like this. Instead of just saying ‘We’ve decided we’re not hosting this year’ she felt like she had to pretend that she was in a different bloody country to get away from you all. Doesn’t that make you feel mortified? You’ve ponced off your sister for years and she’s had enough. Good for her. You owe her a massive apology and a bunch of flowers.

this is hilarious and I like your sister a lot!

Op, can you take a bunch of flowers round, apologise and tell her you see her point of view. Then work together to find a solution to your nightmare parents.
It's really sad that your sister feels that the only way to avoid a difficult family Christmas is to lie.
Equally sad that you and your sister have now fallen out but the root cause of it all is that your parent's divorce is making every Christmas miserable.
Please start communicating and working out how you can all have a nicer Christmas next year.

Team sister here!

🙋‍♀️ here too!
Things must really be bad if she was pushed to this extreme.

I can see why it feels like a betrayal. But, as others have said, you’re putting the blame on the wrong person. Your parents are the problem and it’s them you should be angry at. Don’t let your parents’ appalling behaviour wreck your relationship with your sister. You don’t have to host them. You are choosing to. And you can put in boundaries instead of just sucking up all the negative stuff.

You and your DSis seem to have been brought up to not face up to difficult relationship issues at least within your family. Your sister probably lied and pretended to be going away to get out of a horrible Christmas at least in part because she doesn’t know how to put boundaries in place either. Rescue her and you from this dysfunctional situation by having a discussion to see if you can rebuild that in-it-together mentality, but this time talk about how you’d like things to be (realistically - no point fantasizing that they will be different people) with an outcome that you both enjoy, not one where you’re just sharing a painful day. Help each other put in boundaries with your parents (and each other) that will help bring it about.

Leave it a few weeks before you try and do this. Let your anger subside. try and get some empathy for her and see how trapped she was probably feeling too.

Honestly, I really don’t see how you feel you have the right to feel aggrieved here. Your sister has hosted you for many years and clearly wanted a year off. The fact that she couldn’t just tell you this says a lot about how receptive she thought you would be to taking your fair turn (turns out she was right!). You complain about the great amount of expense and work involved in hosting when it applies to you, but you’re happy for her to shoulder this EVERY year.

Given that when she’s hosting you are still “in it together” the obvious thing to do is for you to host each year going forward and they can come to you and that way you can still be “in it together”, but you will be doing your fair share.

Seriously it genuinely sounds like your sister lied, although there were issues with travel chaos to France due to Eurostar went down and other stuff.

But then she must have felt desperate in order to come up with this story in order to avoid telling the truth - but what is the truth?? She didn't want your mum and dad? She wanted to be alone wi only her family? You'd need to have a chat with her.

It's quite laughable really, one day you'll be able to laugh about it hopefully (you and sis, prob best not tell the parents).

meh, OP, none of your "oh pooor meeee" updates makes you come off any better.

You would prefer your unhappy parents to stay together for no other reason than to cause you less inconvenience. Your sister ALWAYS hosts and given how you have written here, this may have been the only way she felt she could get out of it without you having a hissy fit.

So. For next year. Tell your parents that they are entertaining themselves, leave your sister to have the christmas she wants, and decide how you want yours to be. and have it. Without the whingeing.

I see many people calling this a 'reverse' but what is a reverse please? I'm not used to this terminology, haven't been on MN long. I get that it means the OP is in the wrong but why is it called a reverse?

a Reverse is when you post from the opposite side from yours. So in this case it mean the sister who has hosted from years posting pretending to be the ungrateful sister to get views from that POV.

Ohhh wow thanks for this info. Ha! Brilliant. Well... if it is a reverse then, really can't blame her.

Now that is brilliant!

Let the sourpusses holiday together!

Maybe tell your parents that next year you're following your DSis example of a Euro Christmas. After all DSis swears by it. 😀

Good grief OP how can you be so self absorbed?

How are you not seeing what is so obvious to just about everyone else?

Astounding.

I dream of doing this and I don’t even host 😂 removing the pressure of forced family fun sounds amazing. I don’t know if she lied or not OP but I don’t think she is unreasonable either way

Next year she's going to need to fake her.own death 😂This can't be real, surely no one is as cheeky as the OP.