Disagreement with DH about Xmas day protocol with the children

[Socksforxmas]

DH and I have twin boys who will turn 4 in a few weeks and this Christmas feels really special to us with it being the first one that they seem to understand. Previous Christmases they were too young to really get it but this year they're really excited about the whole thing.

We've run into a disagreement about how the format of the day should be. In my household growing up my brother and I would get up in the morning, open our stockings in bed with a parent and then head into the living room to dive into all the presents (opening all of them), have 2-3 hours of playing with our new things before lunch is served and then family activities for the rest of the night (playing games, watching whatever Christmas specials, all with lots of sweet treats, chocolates, nice drinks etc).

For DH it was get up in the morning, open stockings and then open 1 or 2 presents, leave the rest to go on a family walk around the park, come back for lunch, open a few more presents, do a board game of some kind and then opening the rest of the presents slowly throughout the day, watching the queens speech (only TV allowed on the day). They weren't allowed to play with new toys on the day (that's what boxing day is for and Christmas is for family) and there were strict rules regarding how much sweets they were allowed. Also a church visit at some point.

With the exception of going church and watching the queens(kings) speech which he has no interest in doing, he wants to pretty much recreate his parents way of doing Christmas as he thinks it's a good way of teaching the boys about the importance of family time and delayed gratification. I see where he's coming from but tbh it all sounds a bit miserable to me...

Every other day of the year we're fairly strict about our the twins diets, amount of screen time, and teaching them to be patient, respectful of others and they are for the majority of time very well behaved children who abide our rules well. I always thought of Christmas as being the one day a year where they could just go nuts and not have so much restriction and control on them. I'd like them to be able to tear into all their presents right away, have time to play with their new things etc

Aibu to think Christmas should be an exception to the usual strict and fairly controlled environment they're in or do DHs ideas have more merit?

You can't give kids new toys and then tell them they can't play with them that's just stupid

We let ours open them however they want, sometimes they open one and want to play with it for an hour before opening more

Also, makes me laugh that people think they need to go for a walk on Xmas day. You see loads of neighbours going for xmas day walks even though they don't ever walk anywhere for the rest of the year.

If you genuinely enjoy a walk then fill your boots, if not, everyone will be cold and miserable, kids will be moaning

The only thing I'd agree with your dh on is the sweet stuff. If you usually restrict it then letting them eat bucketloads will end up with them feeling or being sick

We do stockings in bed (these are the santa gifts), breakfast, tree gifts (one at a time, not a free for all frenzy as I can't stand that, plus drags the gift excitement out a little bit) then play/lunch prep, dinner, lazy afternoon/play time/chill, left over tea then a movie in the evening once kids are in bed (usually Couples Retreat with Vince Vaughan, i have no idea why this is our Christmas movie)

Is there not a middle ground here?

stockings - good breakfast - walk - couple of presents - lunch - rest of presents - afternoon spent playing with presents / games - good tea - board games
Agreed.
We did the rip into all the presents in the morning thing as a child and I much prefer DH's family approach so that's what we do as a family.

There seems like some really easy compromises to make here. my husband and I come from similarly different backgrounds and we run our day largely as follows

• have the stockings first thing,
• family breakfast + presents from parents
• play time with presents and a walk / run around / park trip
• lunch
• Presents
• another dog walk (lot of dogs..!)
• hot choc and last presents / family games night

Because children can find the excitement of Christmas pretty overwhelming, so getting some fresh air and exercise is a good way of breaking up the day and tiring them out a bit.

Presents you way, treats his way. Also like the idea of a family walk at some point, but his way overall seems quite rigid

can rip through presents but loads of treats all in one go at 4 isn’t a great idea.

IMO it’s good to save a few presents for later (maybe keep them hidden until then) and getting out for a walk is always a good idea, especially for young children, to let them run some energy off.

Stockings from Santa are designed to be opened before parents get up to keep them in bed longer 😂

Then downstairs and 1 or 2 presents. Usually a small toy or activity book etc that they use with sticking stuff whilst breakfast is made.

Then it's rest of presents. Walk, lunch and then chill time to explore new gifts. Food can be consumed as please under lunch.

Decent bedtime because they are always up early!!!

So a combination of both of yours in my house but tbh your DH Christmas sounds miserable. But I do agree with not opening gifts on the first 10 minutes of being out of bed!

Also, makes me laugh that people think they need to go for a walk on Xmas day. You see loads of neighbours going for xmas day walks even though they don't ever walk anywhere for the rest of the year.

I think it's just to get out of the house and get some fresh air.

So your husband wasn't allowed to play with his new toys till the following day? Delayed gratification??

Good luck teaching that concept to 2 x 4 year olds. I'd suggest husband deals with the fallout of that stupid rule all by himself 😁

You could compromise... twins could Open some presents and play with them each day. Everything mat once is sensory overload whatever day it is.

Your DHs Christmas sounds dreary but coming down and ripping open all the presents is not good either!

Agree with this.

Clearly the husbands parents managed to do it and well enough that he still thinks it's the best way to do things

Would your children open gifts despite being specifically told not to?

I'm 63 y.o and couldn't wait to get up in the morning to dive in for my presents. Your DH is a controlling freak and completely joyless. Your children are 4 years old, if they can't enjoy the magic once in a year, I feel sorry for them and for you as well.

Hang on; so he just gets to dictate everything? His family Christmas was perfect, EXCEPT for the bits that he chooses to leave out but you get no say? No fucking way. You say: Listen Dh you don’t get to decide everything. If your family Christmas was so perfect, you will get yourself off to church and sit through mass, and you will watch every second of the kings speech, no picking and choosing while I get no say. While you do these things we will open whatever presents we want and play with them as much as we want. That gives us a couple of hours to do Christmas my way, which is a very generous compromise on my part. I look forward to you either deciding you too can compromise, or to you telling me all about the sermon at church as you had better have listened carefully.’

He is a miserable twat. Let the children open their presents. They will have enough deferred gratification when they are saving for a mortgage.

Not allowed to play with their toys on Christmas Day? That's totally batshit.

I shudder at the word "format", how about being spontaneous? Also your DH's way of celebrating sounds very constricting, and regimented almost prison-like. Is he typically controlling? Create new family ways of spending holidays, or change them every year, why is there a need for a "format"?

My Christmases were like yours, although we didn't rip into presents. All of them were opened in one sitting (after breakfast), but in a slower, more measured way - acknowledging what the present was and who it was from.

I don't understand how not letting kids play with their gifts on the day they receive them teaches them anything other than that mum and dad are being unnecessarily mean. Playing with your kids on Christmas Day with the gifts they have received (which is what my parents did) is 'family time', no?

We allow our kids to open the gifts in their stocking in the morning. We then make them wait till everyone is here to open the big presents.

My SIL is fucking obsessed with going for a walk. It's like she can't bare seeing anyone sat in peace for more than 5 minutes without dragging us out like we're dogs. Once she planned 'a nice gentle route to get some fresh air' when I was 35 weeks pregnant. Ended up hiking up and down cliffs. My waters broke that evening and I had DD 5 weeks early. I'll develop a sudden headache and use it as a nice break from her this year.
Trudging around in the cold is not my idea of a fun Christmas day.

When I was growing up we opened all presents first thing in the morning, with my sister and I barely letting our parents have a cup of tea whilst we were diving in.

We've done it the same way for our own children. Toys were always played with on the day. Surely that's what they were bought for, for the children to enjoy??!!

Now that our children are grown up we do have a quick breakfast first, but then we start on the presents and keep going until all are opened. Nothing is off limits. Then we go out to a local hotel within walking distance for Christmas Dinner.

I'd put my foot down over this because I think your DH's childhood Christmases sound joyless and dull. Also, giving 4 year olds new toys and then trying to stop them playing with them until the next day or later is awful and won't end well. It is more likely to culminate in tantrums than instil discipline in the frankly rather militaristic way he seems to want to go about it.

We used to open the stocking in bed and then presents from 'Santa' downstairs first thing. I am an only child and 'Santa' was always very generous.

Presents from family (which I'd helped to buy and wrap for other people in the run up to Christmas), including the ones from family to me, lived under the tree for weeks in advance, and they'd be opened after lunch - with any family that were present. I'd get them from the tree one by one and give them out to whoever it was for.

It was a good differentation and helped to spread the present excitement throughout the day. I was allowed to play with anything as it was opened and throughout the day.

Christmas magic is about so much more than "diving into presents".

Personally I think it's quite sad that you think that's the only way you can enjoy Christmas Day.

I think a structure is pretty normal to be honest having raised twins I wouldn't fancy doing it without at least a basic one.
My DH and I had to comprise over Christmas but a paper tearing free for all doesn't sound great anymore than not being able to play with your toys.

That doesn't say posh to me, op 🤷🏻‍♀️