Disagreement with DH about Xmas day protocol with the children

[Socksforxmas]

DH and I have twin boys who will turn 4 in a few weeks and this Christmas feels really special to us with it being the first one that they seem to understand. Previous Christmases they were too young to really get it but this year they're really excited about the whole thing.

We've run into a disagreement about how the format of the day should be. In my household growing up my brother and I would get up in the morning, open our stockings in bed with a parent and then head into the living room to dive into all the presents (opening all of them), have 2-3 hours of playing with our new things before lunch is served and then family activities for the rest of the night (playing games, watching whatever Christmas specials, all with lots of sweet treats, chocolates, nice drinks etc).

For DH it was get up in the morning, open stockings and then open 1 or 2 presents, leave the rest to go on a family walk around the park, come back for lunch, open a few more presents, do a board game of some kind and then opening the rest of the presents slowly throughout the day, watching the queens speech (only TV allowed on the day). They weren't allowed to play with new toys on the day (that's what boxing day is for and Christmas is for family) and there were strict rules regarding how much sweets they were allowed. Also a church visit at some point.

With the exception of going church and watching the queens(kings) speech which he has no interest in doing, he wants to pretty much recreate his parents way of doing Christmas as he thinks it's a good way of teaching the boys about the importance of family time and delayed gratification. I see where he's coming from but tbh it all sounds a bit miserable to me...

Every other day of the year we're fairly strict about our the twins diets, amount of screen time, and teaching them to be patient, respectful of others and they are for the majority of time very well behaved children who abide our rules well. I always thought of Christmas as being the one day a year where they could just go nuts and not have so much restriction and control on them. I'd like them to be able to tear into all their presents right away, have time to play with their new things etc

Aibu to think Christmas should be an exception to the usual strict and fairly controlled environment they're in or do DHs ideas have more merit?

Please don't let your DH do this. As a kid we always had to wait till after the queen's speech to open presents and it was excruciating. I used to dream of opening them first thing in my PJs (which is what I then did with my own DC).

But given my dad was born in 1935 it was a bit more understandable! Presumably your DH was not! So tell him to stop acting like it.

I don't know if your way was a complete free for all, everyone grabbing and ripping presents open at the same time? I wouldn't like that- but if it was one present at a time, and ALL of the presents before lunch... then I would be 100% with you.

Let him take them out for a walk round the park while you "check the turkey"/ have a swift glass of something....

But not being allowed to play with your new toys until boxing day is senseless and joyless, actually quite a nasty thing to do to your children.... There are many other ways and opportunities to teach children delayed gratification. This sounds more like a parental power trip.

I'm slightly amazed by how many of you have managed to guess that DH is from a very posh, middle class family based on his Christmas 😂😂 He is indeed, whereas my background is working class council estate. I never really knew of anyone doing Christmas too differently to how my family did until I met DH.

In theory compromising could work but we're still disagreeing on exactly how to compromise, although some suggestions I've seen already could work out! I'm definitely repeating some of these to him when he's back from work.

Do it your way.
Our Christmas was similar to your DH. To this day I remember the Christmas my half brother (6 years younger than me) received some action figures from an aunt. They were already unpacked for him to play with -naturally he wasn't allowed. When he sneaked out of the room to play with them, he got caught and the figures were placed high up on a shelf. I think he was about 5or 6. I just remember worrying about him not getting them back.

I know kids that age who will still be opening presents on 27th Dec because they’re the sort to open it and play with it. Then they’ll move onto the next thing and enjoy that. Others will trash through all the unwrapping in minutes! I think you need to play it by ear a bit but I would definitely be factoring some fresh air to stop them turning feral with excitement and chocolate!

I agree with those saying compromise. We used to open stockings as soon as we woke up but then would have to wait until everybody was dressed and had eaten breakfast before we opened the presents under the tree. Could you have it so that the children did stockings in the morning and then wait to open the rest until after breakfast? Or open a couple and then wait until after lunch to open the rest?

Your DH obviously has fond memories of the way his family did Christmas and didn’t find it miserable or he wouldn’t be wanting to replicate it so I don’t think there is a right or wrong here but you are both coming at it from very different starting points so there will have to be some compromise on both sides.

His way sounds awful but I also hate the orgy of opening everything at once - I make sure their stockings have something "big" and things to do to keep them amused until after lunch when we open tree presents.

No restrictions on eating or playing with new things though!

Tbf op its obvious your DH is aspiring, class-wise 😬 I've only ever known wannabe higher class people be so weird about Christmas traditions and Kings speech etc. and taking 3 months to unwrap a present 🙄 they seem to think this is what UC people do but IME (known hundreds of UC through work) true UC are as wonderfully chaotic as us norms 🤣

If there’s one thing Christmas is NOT about, it’s delayed gratification! I’d ask him if he really wants your children’s Christmas to be as joyless as his upbringing was.

Telling excited 4 year-olds they can't play with their new toys is beyond unkind.

I'd totally overrule him on that one.

What else is he a miserable git about?

i agree with you and everyone else OP. His Xmas sounds miserable. What would he be willing to compromise on and what would you?

Not letting them play with their presents is horrible! I'd combine traditions. It takes my four year old bloody hours to open presents anyway because everything gets thoroughly examined before he starts on the next one, I was the same as a kid and am now, I even peel the sellotape off (100% allowed to rip as a kid, I have no idea why I'm like this. DH says watching me open a gift is mind-numbing and he's right.

We do stockings in bed (from Santa) and then downstairs to check the status of the mince pie, Santa leaves one extra big present under the tree which is also opened. Then breakfast. Then we open all the stuff from each other, rest of the family arrives or we go to their house, lunch and then presents from wider family. Any downtime is spent playing with new toys.

I think, as is so often the case, there is room for compromise between ripping everything open by 7am and still be opening slowly until bedtime.
You need to meet in the middle. So get up and do stockings, then downstairs and maybe do santa presents straight away? Then they can have a break, play games, play with toys etc until lunch. Then after lunch do gifts from family and play with games/toys you can all join in with together. Christmas can be very enjoyable without tearing everything open the second you wake up. Plus it is important that children learn about the enjoyment you get from seeing other people receive gifts and spending quality time together too, whilst still ensuring they have a fun and magical Xmas.

Your DH obviously has fond memories of the way his family did Christmas and didn’t find it miserable or he wouldn’t be wanting to replicate it

I'm not sure - he says it a good way to teach them about delayed gratification. That isn't necessarily fond memories.

Christmas is delayed gratification anyway. We made our cake in October, and decorated it yesterday and DD (4) knows she can't eat it yet. As she gets older she'll be more aware that we have presents in the house that she can't have yet. I think it's completely pointless and mean to give a 4 year old a toy to unwrap and get excited about, and then say "nope, no playing until tomorrow!"

I don't mind a walk at some point, and i agree with trying to properly engage with the kids rather than putting tv/screens on, board games etc are fun (my kids love board games).

But i hate trying to spread presents through the day. All the fun is the running downstairs to find father christmas has been and enjoying opening. We try and do stockings then breakfast then tree presents, but we are definitely getting stuck into those presents by 8.30am

It was my "normal" so it's just what I was used to. We never did presents before breakfast so I never expected it, really. Yes, I was excited but actually it meant that excitement lasted all morning rather than all the presents being done with by 7am.

Kids adapt to whatever you choose.

Dh's family were a bit like this. His father sat in state and handed out presents one at a time. It lasted all afternoon and evening after lunch. (mind you even dh's parents never came up with a ban on actually using or playing your presents on xmas day - that is bizarre).

My family had stockings in the morning - opened them in our parents rooms. and then later opened presents. not in a frenzy but not at a glacial pace either. Then the rest of the afternoon was for playing/reading/talking/whatever. We tend to do that except we include a walk too and have dinner rather than lunch.

I've had an otherwise lovely family christmas with dh's extended family but tbh the opening of presents went on all day long and I found it very tedious. no focus on playing a game or talking or being together just as if the entire point of christmas was the things we got.

(Also I think maybe we didn't give enough stuff to our kids to make it last all day.)

We were out with two other married couples last night and all of us were saying how you come together with 2 different ideas of christmas traditions and then you figure out what your family will do - then your kids grow up thinking this is the best way to do christmas, meet someone else, and the whole figuring it out for your own family starts again.

One lovely memory I have of Christmas day was my mum upturned the rules. So every day of the year we were expected to ask for treats. On christmas day if we said "may I have some chocolate" she would pretend to get cross with us because the rule was you couldn't ask for it - you just took it. It felt very exciting to a small child.

Teaching delayed gratification to a 4 year old on christmas day - why that day of all days??

They weren't allowed to play with new toys on the day

That’s genuinely horrible. Imagine opening the present of your dreams, aged four, and then being told you weren’t allowed to play with it. It’s not teaching them anything except that Daddy likes withholding nice things from you, on the one day of the year when everyone’s meant to have fun.

Fair enough if people want to open their ‘stocking’ presents in the morning and their ‘tree’ presents later, but spinning it out throughout the day and not even letting them play with any of it just seems unnecessarily mean.

Last time I saw my dad he was reminiscing about how much he used to enjoy Christmas morning when we were kids/teens and we all used to open our presents together, and then how he used to like helping us set up whatever complicated thing we’d got that required assembly, or playing a new game with us, or sitting with us and looking through new books with us etc.

I still remember my first Christmas with middle class DH family and not opening gifts until after 4pm. Of course everyone started drinking at breakfast!

I prefer your idea of how it should go, pretty much like mine was growing up except we opened stockings with the present.

When I was little we got up, were allowed to just look at presents to see if Santa had been, bundled off to church (Catholic mother lol) back, were allowed to open stockings, long wait till late lunch, then presents.

Apart from church in the freezing cold, I don't think I'd have changed it. We were a large family without much money and my mum worked so hard on finding us small gifts so we'd have more to open but that weren't too rubbish. She wanted to see us do it.

Would hate to just let my kids just go and open presents first thing because I would have hated that, having it all over so quickly. Also because we don't buy a huge amount. DC get bought more toys and things through the year than I ever did, they get nice presents to make Christmas special but not loads of them. But I don't dole out through the day either and it's nothing to do with teaching self-control, I just want a nice calm atmosphere and to spread out the fun a bit. We do stockings, breakfast, presents, lunch, and they're always allowed to get out and play with whatever they want.

When we go to my parents' Christmas is very noisy with all my adult siblings and their kids which is lovely too, my kids seem to like both kinds of day in different ways.

Ours is a combination of both DH’s and my family traditions. DCs open their stockings and their main present from us on waking up. The rest of the family presents under the tree are opened after lunch. They can play all day except when eating dinner, although they do enjoy family board games and family computer games on the Switch so there is plenty of family time. When I was a child everything was opened first thing in the morning and it drives my DF crazy that the kids (and him) have to wait until after lunch. I
much prefer our way of doing it though and the DC never moan.

Nip out today and buy some gorgeous lingerie, maybe an adult toy for couples. Gift them to him on Xmas Eve ‘for later’. When he thinks he’s on a promise let him know you’re just helping him practice delayed gratification.

this is how.We do it and both did as children so someone could write a list.of who bought what so.We can thank them.

We went to the in-laws one year, DD (age 5/6) was made to wait to open her big pile.of presents until BIL, SIL and DN arrived and it was torture for her, they were late as well which just prolonged it. So having a pile of presents they aren't allowed to open is going to lead. To.some tantrums I reckon

Christmas should be an exception to the strict and controlled environment they’re usually in

Is this the first time you’ve butted heads about parenting?
I get the impression your dh is a bit draconian.