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Original poster

Disagreement with DH about Xmas day protocol with the children

413 replies

Socksforxmas · 23/12/2023 12:02

DH and I have twin boys who will turn 4 in a few weeks and this Christmas feels really special to us with it being the first one that they seem to understand. Previous Christmases they were too young to really get it but this year they're really excited about the whole thing.

We've run into a disagreement about how the format of the day should be. In my household growing up my brother and I would get up in the morning, open our stockings in bed with a parent and then head into the living room to dive into all the presents (opening all of them), have 2-3 hours of playing with our new things before lunch is served and then family activities for the rest of the night (playing games, watching whatever Christmas specials, all with lots of sweet treats, chocolates, nice drinks etc).

For DH it was get up in the morning, open stockings and then open 1 or 2 presents, leave the rest to go on a family walk around the park, come back for lunch, open a few more presents, do a board game of some kind and then opening the rest of the presents slowly throughout the day, watching the queens speech (only TV allowed on the day). They weren't allowed to play with new toys on the day (that's what boxing day is for and Christmas is for family) and there were strict rules regarding how much sweets they were allowed. Also a church visit at some point.

With the exception of going church and watching the queens(kings) speech which he has no interest in doing, he wants to pretty much recreate his parents way of doing Christmas as he thinks it's a good way of teaching the boys about the importance of family time and delayed gratification. I see where he's coming from but tbh it all sounds a bit miserable to me...

Every other day of the year we're fairly strict about our the twins diets, amount of screen time, and teaching them to be patient, respectful of others and they are for the majority of time very well behaved children who abide our rules well. I always thought of Christmas as being the one day a year where they could just go nuts and not have so much restriction and control on them. I'd like them to be able to tear into all their presents right away, have time to play with their new things etc

Aibu to think Christmas should be an exception to the usual strict and fairly controlled environment they're in or do DHs ideas have more merit?

OP posts:
SgtJuneAckland · 23/12/2023 12:43

DS naturally opens presents throughout the day, birthday this year took him a week, he likes to play with/use things as he opens them and when we're at home for Christmas we all like to go for a walk on the beach ,so it wouldn't be a hardship here

laclochette · 23/12/2023 12:43

I think both ways have their merits, try not to put value judgements on either as it won't help either of you. I know he's doing that already so that goes for him too! Ultimately we always internalise what's familiar as what's right and then find ways to postrationalise that.

Perhaps there's a compromise, as others have said. Maybe stockings and gifts from Santa in the morning and then gifts from other people after lunch and a walk? We always saved some gifts until after lunch and it actually made the day more fun as it wasn't all over in the morning, from a kid's perspective. It also made making the list of who gave what to whom, for writing thank you letters, a bit less difficult and chaotic!

It isn't that hard to find a middle ground here from an objective point of view, it's the emotions swirling around it that are making you both set up camps at opposite ends of the spectrum.

Benibidibici · 23/12/2023 12:44

Maybe remind your DH that the royals don't wait til after the speech to have their presents, they have them on Christmas eve along with loads of other people in Europe.

Friedfriedplantain · 23/12/2023 12:44

You go and see, then you say time to go and have a walk or do whatever now, presents in a bit?

PotatoAloo · 23/12/2023 12:44

There's a time and a place for teaching delayed gratification. Christmas Day ain't it.

There are 364 other days for that (well, maybe 363 - unless they're not allowed to have fun on birthdays either?).

Also, teaching kids that "family time" and "fun time" are entirely separate things is not very wise imo.

FedUpMumof10YO · 23/12/2023 12:44

I never get why people insist on a walk on Christmas Day 🤷‍♀️

ExtraOnions · 23/12/2023 12:44

I’m the youngest of 5 … I have such happy memories of Christmas Mornings in the 70s/80s, where we would all just dive in. Paper everywhere, happy squeals, lots of “what did you get” or “this one’s for you .. absolute mayhem .. it was brilliant.

lots of parents seem to think that Christmas is about them, and how much enjoyment they get around present opening … it’s not about you folks..

EveryOtherNameTaken · 23/12/2023 12:45

nonevernotever · 23/12/2023 12:10

Couldn't you compromise a bit? Do his morning with stockings, a couple of presents, walk and then lunch, and do your afternoon opening the rest of the presents and playing with them, the nearly evening for nibbles and board games?

Yep. This is what I would do. Good compromise.

Nagado · 23/12/2023 12:45

He wasn’t allowed to play with his new toys until Boxing Day? That’s insane!

Point out to him that he’s not in charge and he doesn’t get to unilaterally decide what happens on Christmas Day. If he doesn’t want to go along with your plans, then fair enough, but that means that a compromise has to be reached between you.

We’ve got a two year old with us this year who is getting very excited about Santa, even though he doesn’t quite understand it means new toys yet. He has been spoilt rotten so we’re going to be guided by him. If he opens one present and wants to ignore the rest and spend the day playing with it, or the box it came in, then that’s fine with us. We just want him to have a lovely, lovely day. There’s not much point in going to all the trouble of building up excitement and a bit of magic, just to make the day full of rules and restrictions.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 23/12/2023 12:45

We spread presents out throughout the day, simply because it means then that each present is given more attention, rather than being cast aside in search of the Big Shiny. However, it might be worth putting the unopened presents aside somewhere with four year olds, because the constant 'is it time for another? IS it? IS IT? Well, WHEN??' might drive you mad.
I am not an advocate of the 'dive in, rip it all open' school of thought, but rationing too strictly might be a nightmare, which is why I'd do stockings, breakfast, some presents, dinner, some presents (which have been put away out of sight), walk, play - then maybe one last and final present before bed.

ManateeFair · 23/12/2023 12:45

presents anyway because everything gets thoroughly examined before he starts on the next one

Haha, my brother and I were both like this. Used to drive my sister, who is ten years older than me, mad. When I was about nine, she said “Mum, if you’ve got Manatee books, just remember to put them at the bottom of her pile so she opens them last. Otherwise she’ll read all from cover to cover before she actually opens anything else and we’ll still be here at Easter.”

SmileyClare · 23/12/2023 12:46

Delayed gratification is having an advent calendar, counting down the days of the month until Christmas isn’t it? That’s a long wait for a 4 year old!

Its not giving gifts and then stopping them enjoying them. There’s no positive lesson for a child in doing that.

GenXisthebest · 23/12/2023 12:47

Socksforxmas · 23/12/2023 12:28

I'm slightly amazed by how many of you have managed to guess that DH is from a very posh, middle class family based on his Christmas 😂😂 He is indeed, whereas my background is working class council estate. I never really knew of anyone doing Christmas too differently to how my family did until I met DH.

In theory compromising could work but we're still disagreeing on exactly how to compromise, although some suggestions I've seen already could work out! I'm definitely repeating some of these to him when he's back from work.

If I were you OP, I'd focus on the bit about them not being allowed to play with their new toys on Christmas Day. That's the bit that I wouldn't be able to compromise on personally. The bit about opening them more slowly, with family stuff going on in between, could be the bit you give him in return. And maybe meet in the middle regarding how many sweets they're allowed?

user1492757084 · 23/12/2023 12:47

Compromise.
You agree on the stockings and Santa toys first.
It makes sense to then eat breakfast and open some more with people who give you the gifts - like Mum and Dad and sibling.

If family is arriving it is nice to open presents with them and thank them.
The people in the kitchen need time to put things in and out of the oven etc so it is reasonable that there are wait times for opening all the gifts and that is time for the kids to play.

I agree with a walk outside together at some point and board games and eating snacks at any time after the main meal.

Watching the Kings Speech is cool for us and we love the Christmas church services and carols - which the kids might enjoy when they are a little older. It's the reason we celebrate Christmas and kids don't need to remain ignorant.

To spread the opening of presents out makes logical sense to me. Children can be too over whelmed with excitment of guests, gifts, rich food, an extra early morning.

For their own enjoyment of the day I see would limit screen times - older children could try out new games but screens add nothing to Christmas for very young children. They want to be learning to ride a bike, building with a new toy etc.

It's also a bit rude for all the kids to zombie out in front of the TV and not interact with visiting loved ones - that is for recovery day - Boxing Day.

Add in helping with the dishes and feeding the pets special meals and taking some family photos. The day will fly.

I like your husband's way though it is for you both to decide and tweek over the years.

TeenDivided · 23/12/2023 12:48

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 23/12/2023 12:45

We spread presents out throughout the day, simply because it means then that each present is given more attention, rather than being cast aside in search of the Big Shiny. However, it might be worth putting the unopened presents aside somewhere with four year olds, because the constant 'is it time for another? IS it? IS IT? Well, WHEN??' might drive you mad.
I am not an advocate of the 'dive in, rip it all open' school of thought, but rationing too strictly might be a nightmare, which is why I'd do stockings, breakfast, some presents, dinner, some presents (which have been put away out of sight), walk, play - then maybe one last and final present before bed.

We dis this kind of thing too. Stopped DDs getting overwhelmed as well.

We also made sure an early present was a DVD which DC then watched mid morning while I was cooking.

Beginningless · 23/12/2023 12:48

Totally with you OP. My kids know Xmas and maybe birthdays are the only time in the year they are allowed chocolate for breakfast! It’s tricky to navigate this and worth trying to find compromises. I’d say we are fairly middle class but always just opened the gifts!

The thing I hate with DHs family is the open one gift at a time thing, with everyone watching. It’s too much pressure on me, let alone kids! In my family we all dived in and it was more natural that when you knew someone would really love your gift, you stopped to watch the reaction. That’s when we were all older mind you, when we were wee, parents just enjoy watching us doing it our way.

itismytime · 23/12/2023 12:49

nonevernotever · 23/12/2023 12:10

Couldn't you compromise a bit? Do his morning with stockings, a couple of presents, walk and then lunch, and do your afternoon opening the rest of the presents and playing with them, the nearly evening for nibbles and board games?

Exactly this and no limit on sweets and treats Sounds fair

Namechangenamechange321 · 23/12/2023 12:49

So he’s genuinely suggesting that his 4 year olds , who have already massively delayed gratification waiting for Christmas anyway, not be allowed to play with their new presents once they’ve opened them? That’s actually insane. Spreading out the opening is one thing - and perhaps a compromise can be found - but not letting them play with them once opened is cruel. Save some presents for Boxing Day if he wants to string it out, but they’re 4; once stuff is opened they play with them

Arabellla · 23/12/2023 12:49

Your husband’s version of the day sounds quite drawn out, with the drip feeding of presents to kids all day. I think yours is better.

I think you both need to relax a bit though, you’re putting too much expectation on one day and expecting kids to understand and be engaged all day.

Floopani · 23/12/2023 12:50

Had this disagreement in my previous marriage too, I'm a council estate working class dive into the presents let the kids go wild type, ex-H whilst not totally posh had a very uptight middle class mother who wouldn't let them open presents until after the queen's speech, mandatory walk and church etc. It wasn't until we had kids that he suddenly wanted to reenact this 🙄

We spent every other Christmas at each parents and he would spend all day sniping when we were at my parents and I would be utterly fucking miserable at his. Thankfully we split up as he got more and more upright about the right way to do everything and he was an insufferable arse. DC always choose to spend Christmas day with my family 🤔 and it's a very free choice, completely up to them!

CrispsandCheeseSandwich · 23/12/2023 12:51

If I were you OP, I'd focus on the bit about them not being allowed to play with their new toys on Christmas Day. That's the bit that I wouldn't be able to compromise on personally.

I agree. Compromise is important but I'd be putting my foot down on that. DD1 is 4 and I'd never take a just opened toy away from her for the next day. It's so unnecessarily mean.

randomstress · 23/12/2023 12:51

nonevernotever · 23/12/2023 12:10

Couldn't you compromise a bit? Do his morning with stockings, a couple of presents, walk and then lunch, and do your afternoon opening the rest of the presents and playing with them, the nearly evening for nibbles and board games?

This is pretty much what I did as a dc, I had church not a walk.
My dc have done it with a walk not church.

inshockwillicope · 23/12/2023 12:51

can u do a hybrid of both?

for example - i'd keep the walk that sounds nice - maybe save a couple of presents each to open after Christmas dinner but allow the ones that have been opened to be played with in the morning

have a planned board game time but other times free to watch tv, chill or play toys

HideTheCroissants · 23/12/2023 12:51

I think the key thing is compromise. When our DC were small it was stockings on our bed, wash dress, breakfast and church. After church it was attack the presents under the tree. Sometimes the children would stop unwrapping to play with something, sometimes not. Apart from church the rest of the day had no rules and we loved it. They are adults now and one doesn’t even live with us. Make the most of the sheer exuberance of children at Christmas while you can is what I think.

Mumof2teens79 · 23/12/2023 12:52

I would have thought somewhere in between to be honest.

You both have extremes
Seems silly to throw out all sense around sugar and screen time on Xmas day, just as silly as banning tv.