Disagreement with DH about Xmas day protocol with the children

[Socksforxmas]

DH and I have twin boys who will turn 4 in a few weeks and this Christmas feels really special to us with it being the first one that they seem to understand. Previous Christmases they were too young to really get it but this year they're really excited about the whole thing.

We've run into a disagreement about how the format of the day should be. In my household growing up my brother and I would get up in the morning, open our stockings in bed with a parent and then head into the living room to dive into all the presents (opening all of them), have 2-3 hours of playing with our new things before lunch is served and then family activities for the rest of the night (playing games, watching whatever Christmas specials, all with lots of sweet treats, chocolates, nice drinks etc).

For DH it was get up in the morning, open stockings and then open 1 or 2 presents, leave the rest to go on a family walk around the park, come back for lunch, open a few more presents, do a board game of some kind and then opening the rest of the presents slowly throughout the day, watching the queens speech (only TV allowed on the day). They weren't allowed to play with new toys on the day (that's what boxing day is for and Christmas is for family) and there were strict rules regarding how much sweets they were allowed. Also a church visit at some point.

With the exception of going church and watching the queens(kings) speech which he has no interest in doing, he wants to pretty much recreate his parents way of doing Christmas as he thinks it's a good way of teaching the boys about the importance of family time and delayed gratification. I see where he's coming from but tbh it all sounds a bit miserable to me...

Every other day of the year we're fairly strict about our the twins diets, amount of screen time, and teaching them to be patient, respectful of others and they are for the majority of time very well behaved children who abide our rules well. I always thought of Christmas as being the one day a year where they could just go nuts and not have so much restriction and control on them. I'd like them to be able to tear into all their presents right away, have time to play with their new things etc

Aibu to think Christmas should be an exception to the usual strict and fairly controlled environment they're in or do DHs ideas have more merit?

I’m with you OP, or at least more on your side of the spectrum. My DH and I both grew up in households like your DH’s. It’s a bit of a power play by adults, and it turns Christmas Day from being something fun and exciting for children into being a day that’s basically just a long, boring wait. And that’s the memory that stays with you.

Now we have our own young children we just try to make the day as enjoyable for them as possible. You only get a handful of Christmases with small children.

Glad you’ve come to a compromise though.

@cardibach no more the opposite, it's more about the food in our family, we don't buy that many presents at all and adults is secret santa. I don't see why waiting for a couple of hours makes any difference? We used to really like the waiting and extra anticipation when we were kids and also the delineation of stocking presents (from Father Xmas) and family presents (everything else). It also allowed time for other local family to arrive so you can do the gifts together.

The morning is for stocking toys for us. Maybe if you do all the gifts from father Xmas that's different, lots of families have different approaches.

Loads of time to play with presents afterwards and in fact for the rest of the year (I used to think the best bit was going through what I'd got on Boxing Day).

We have a few DC with ASD in the family as well so a bit of spacing of gifts helps stop them get overwhelmed, as well as some outside time. When eldest DC was younger we used to hold some back for the next day because it was All A Bit Much, more than about 5 gifts would lead to a meltdown.

The point is, people like whatever they grew up with, it's not 'wrong'. Relationships are about finding the bits you think are important and agreeing them- when it is just us and no wider family we change up the schedule a bit, when we lived overseas we sacked a lot of it off and went to the beach with friends. You do you. And for the OP, there has to be a middle ground between the 2 positions and deciding what's really important, I don't think your DH gets to dictate it all at all.

Oh I see you updated OP, great. And you can always tweak things next year as well if it doesn't work well. Have a great day!

As children we'd wake up with stockings on the end of the bed, and then run into our parents' room to open them. We'd then wait for DM & DF to exchange stockings before going downstairs and opening presents from Father Christmas. It was fun and exciting. We'd then play with presents until lunch (1pm-ish). It wasn't until after lunch that we'd exchange gifts between each other.

Nowadays we exchange gifts between each other on Boxing Day, which is rather nice. I love Boxing Day, but for us it's like having Christmas all over again.

Edited to add: Ah, I read your update and you may do something like what we've always done! An excellent choice.

Happy Christmas!

Oops I missed that part. I certainly would not forbid mine from playing with their toys on the day but they naturally play with them properly the during the days after xmas day

Your husband sounds a right misery, they are 4 years old not 40. Who would want to go on a walk when they could be opening their presents and playing with them. The kids believe they are from Santa. Making them wait and spreading them out is ridiculous.

We always opened presents gradually throughout the day, from an early age the kids knew this was how it worked - stockings early, a couple of things before breakfast a few after and it went in until late afternoon. I can’t think of anything worse than a frenzy of opening everything in the morning then the rest of the day is flat. My sister said her boys were done with presents by 6am and fought for the rest of the day, by bedtime half the stuff was broken. I do think it is unreasonable not to let the kids play with things as they open them though. My kids are now adults and think our system was great, they would never let their kids spoil Christmas by opening everything at once.

Your husband sounds like combination of these people. What a tedious, fun-sucking killjoy.

I grew up in a 'slow present opening' house and we're the same now we have children. We don't find it joyless at all. It seems normal/natural to open gifts mindfully, appreciate the joy in each one (including the joy of giving as well as receiving them). I fully realise how twee this sounds, but it's the way I feel.

If anything the idea of the kids tearing into things in a frenzy seems a bit ... crass? Chaotic? With younger children who can't read the labels - or even with older children who don't bother - how can you ever figure out who gave what gift in order to thank people? I don't necessarily mean writing thank you notes, but at least a quick message or just mentioning when you see/speak to someone.

I heard of a friend's family where they didn't even have to look under the tree to find their gifts, they'd come downstairs and there would be a separate pile for each family member, sitting on their seat in the living room. Now THAT sounds truly joyless to me.

Perhaps there's a middle way that could be acceptable to everyone, OP? Wait until everyone is around and take turns opening things, but make sure you find time in the morning to get the goats opened reasonably efficiently before any other activities (church, walks etc)?

I like your way

I must be very common because that’s how everyone I know has Christmas morning - like your friend.

Santa leaves sacks at my house, one child on one side of fireplace, other child on other side but most people I know don’t bother with sacks and have a pile for each child.

we didn't do slow opening, but we would get to open stockings on our own in our rooms, then 8am, all gather by the tree.

Dad sat by the tree, hand the gifts out one by one (making sure we all got one in turn) and read out the label so we knew who it was from, and everyone would watch the gift being opened, admire it, and move on to the next one.

It took longer, meant everything was appreciated, the time it took was special... then we were allowed to get on with our day.

We all sat around the table for family breakfast, had a couple of hours then to play with stuff, chat, pop something on tell like The Snowman, or listen to some xmas music, help mom prep dinner, then we'd all go to the pub for a drink with friends, come home, have dinner, and then the afternoon was a film/drinks/family time.

There was nothing joyless about it, it was warm, fun, and loving.

IF you take the time and care with making each gift a star for a moment, it counts.

What i hate as an adult is making the christmas experience about me/adults and how we expect it to be.. we have to make it special for the kids, and dragging them around on walks, making them open presents slowly, stopping them playing with stuff, or forcing them to spend all the day with the family is what is joyless to me, and mean.

It's everyone's christmas, including theirs.

One of my SILs does the slow handing out of presents. It's a right pain in the arse. When we all get together at my parents we open tree presents together in the morning. The younger ones scramble under the tree to locate who's is who's and hand them out. As people open them, they get up to go over to the giver and thank them. You are not watched opening them which my DC would hate, you just crack on opening your own as others around open theirs. But SIL will grab a quite large selection of presents for her kids in front of their noses and put them aside. Then over the next few days she decides when to give them to the DC but it is often at the most annoying time - while the kids are about to set off to the park or are mid way through a film or playing with their cousins. They reluctantly come over and open a single present then go back to what they are doing. It is so flat. And it feels like a chore for the kid not a joy. I see it as a control thing. My gift was given at the worst time, her DS didn't want to come in from the garden (why should he!) and was almost tearful by the time she had harrangued him into coming in, so the gift went down like a lead balloon.

Just been on another thread where a poster has wrapped 370 presents, can you imagine the feeding frenzy if children were allowed to just rip into them, but also how horrendous it would be if you had to wait if only one present could be opened at a time!

This is how we did it when I was a child and how we do it now in our house. I wouldn't consider it delayed unwrapping as the gifts are all unwrapped in one go (ie: no taking a break for a walk and then coming back to do more gifts) but we mindfully open them everyone getting a chance to open one while the rest of us watch. Sometimes we do it with 2 people, but we're always mindful of the gifts and who they come from. Then they're placed in individual piles per person once opened.

I agree that have children just tear off the wrapping paper in a chaotic race to unwrap everything as quickly as possible seems greedy and awful. Same with the present piles where people just sit on their own and unwrap.

As for my view on stockings, I think it'll be quite a contentious one, but I hate the idea of the stockings at the foot of the bed where children open them on their own. We have ours downstairs by the fire place and tree. We all open them together before the main gifts are opened.

Do it your way. They're 4. There are 364 other days in the years to teach delayed gratification, I say let their excitement run free on Christmas Day. 🙂

I never understand parents who force their kids to look at a pile of presents and not be allowed to open them until they've had their breakfast / walk / bath / push-ups.

It's fucking cruel.

This is what we did. With the extended family visits done on Boxing Day for afternoon tea and presents.

Eh? I said it sounded joyless. I didn't say it was common! 😕

The friends who do this are lovely people, retired professionals with a barrister, doctor and C-suite executive as children. They're very much upper middle class to my mind. They just do Christmas presents wrong. 😉

Oh dear, your whole message is depressing. ‘The format for the day?’
How stifling. Just go with the flow. Surely you can winkle in your bits and pieces throughout the day.
By creating a ‘format’ you’re just setting them up to be as rigid as you in the future.

We all sit round in a circle and the youngest child opens a present and we all ooh and aah. Then next in circle opens a present and so on. Takes about 2 hours as there’s quite a few of us.
I like this as we all know who bought what for whom and it feels less ‘greedy’.
My kids are grown up but we still do this with them and their children. The children are old enough to choose whether or not to do it this way and they have chosen to again this year.

We have combined ours to have the best bits. Stocking presents first thing and tree presents after lunch. My childhood we used to open all the presents first thing and then it felt like the day was over. It spreads it out a little bit.

We have twins my DH had the same traditional day as your DH. It was far less stressful to open everything early and let them play

You know, I sort of get his point, BUT….
I think we have better family times when the presents are done in that chaotic, messy, magical way you describe and then the children are not in a constant state of expectation for the rest of the day?

Mine are much older now but they still like that morning chaos (although I’m strict about needing a cup of coffee in my hand before any presents are opened!!)

My christmas was like yours i got a fairy pressent that was left on the tree after bath and new pjs on a christmas eve and a special tea and christmas day was exactly like yours and thats what i done with my 2 boys growing up