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AIBU?

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Original poster

Disagreement with DH about Xmas day protocol with the children

413 replies

Socksforxmas · 23/12/2023 12:02

DH and I have twin boys who will turn 4 in a few weeks and this Christmas feels really special to us with it being the first one that they seem to understand. Previous Christmases they were too young to really get it but this year they're really excited about the whole thing.

We've run into a disagreement about how the format of the day should be. In my household growing up my brother and I would get up in the morning, open our stockings in bed with a parent and then head into the living room to dive into all the presents (opening all of them), have 2-3 hours of playing with our new things before lunch is served and then family activities for the rest of the night (playing games, watching whatever Christmas specials, all with lots of sweet treats, chocolates, nice drinks etc).

For DH it was get up in the morning, open stockings and then open 1 or 2 presents, leave the rest to go on a family walk around the park, come back for lunch, open a few more presents, do a board game of some kind and then opening the rest of the presents slowly throughout the day, watching the queens speech (only TV allowed on the day). They weren't allowed to play with new toys on the day (that's what boxing day is for and Christmas is for family) and there were strict rules regarding how much sweets they were allowed. Also a church visit at some point.

With the exception of going church and watching the queens(kings) speech which he has no interest in doing, he wants to pretty much recreate his parents way of doing Christmas as he thinks it's a good way of teaching the boys about the importance of family time and delayed gratification. I see where he's coming from but tbh it all sounds a bit miserable to me...

Every other day of the year we're fairly strict about our the twins diets, amount of screen time, and teaching them to be patient, respectful of others and they are for the majority of time very well behaved children who abide our rules well. I always thought of Christmas as being the one day a year where they could just go nuts and not have so much restriction and control on them. I'd like them to be able to tear into all their presents right away, have time to play with their new things etc

Aibu to think Christmas should be an exception to the usual strict and fairly controlled environment they're in or do DHs ideas have more merit?

OP posts:
MorningSunshineSparkles · 23/12/2023 14:49

If your DC are already 4 surely you have sorted this out already? What did you do for Christmas the last couple of years?

Natsku · 23/12/2023 14:50

Fizbosshoes · 23/12/2023 14:47

I'd like to add that kids have never seemed miserable doing it that way. Now they are teens it's usually me that's impatient for them to wakeup so they can have their stocking!

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Hah I have to compromise on how early I can wake my 12 year old up on Christmas, if she had her way she'd sleep in until the afternoon

purpleme12 · 23/12/2023 14:51

Exactly. It's the gradual opening throughout the day that many people are disagreeing with on here.
Many people are fine with the presents under tree being opened later to stagger it a bit but it's the gradual opening all throughout the day that's odd

synonymed · 23/12/2023 14:51

MrsW9 · 23/12/2023 14:37

My family always did presents one at a time, everyone watching whoever is opening the present. As children we were the 'elves' and would be in charge of taking one present at a time from under the tree to the recipient, which I suppose helped keep us occupied and we quite enjoyed it. It takes a while so there is some delayed gratification as a child! But then we got to play with the toys all evening (Scandinavian so all on Christmas Eve, but I imagine this could work in the day too). Might something like that be a good balance?

After half your first sentence I knew you were Scandinavian. 🙂

Polyethyl · 23/12/2023 14:53

I entirely agree with your husband.
Except we do allow playing with the toys in Christmas day though.
But we also expect some of the thank you letters to be written on Christmas Day and the remainder written on Boxing Day.

useitorlose · 23/12/2023 14:54

With my now adult DC, we used to do stockings and a present from under the tree before church, and the rest after. They got to choose which present they opened. We would eat the main meal mid afternoon so that when we got back from church we could open gifts together and note who gave what to send a thank you to them.

mumsytoon · 23/12/2023 14:59

What's with all this planned day, eating only at specific times and so much miserable and joyless structure?? We get up, do a simple breakfast and kids open and play with their presents. Dh and I then cook together/clean and then we relax for the day. If we fancy a walk then we go, if we want to watch a movie then we do that, if the kids just want to play then we do that too. One thing we do not do, is follow other people's timetables and force that upon our DC.

semideponent · 23/12/2023 15:00

Your Christmas sounds like a recipe for tired and wired, but DH's also seems a bit rigid. I think you and DH need to figure out a middle way with bits of both traditions.

Nevermind31 · 23/12/2023 15:01

it would be funny just to sit back and let your DH deal with the endless… it it time now? Can we open the presents? Can we play with them now? Why can we not play with them? We are bored…can we watch telly…
i recon by midday he would probably have enough and give in to have a quiet cup of tea 😂
I don’t know what present mountains your kids get, but mine do not get enough to “space it out”.

Bunnycat101 · 23/12/2023 15:03

One of my biggest joys has been seeing my children playing with toys on Christmas Day. We’ve always been led by them so if they open one present and want a play then that’s fine for them to return back to unwrapping.

There isn’t a right way to do Christmas but you both can’t do it as you used to growing up so you’ll need to find a compromise.

girlfriend44 · 23/12/2023 15:04

nobodys right, nobodys wrong its just compromise.

We did FC presents when we woke up,
Other presents round the tree after Breakfast. Divide the presents up etc and open.

Off to grandparents and opened their presents when we got there.
Lunch and tea there. Maybe had a walk after lunch, or just relaxed. Day comes and goes. Some chocs on the Christmas tree too.

Bumblebeestiltskin · 23/12/2023 15:08

If their day-to-day life is, as you say, 'strict and controlled', aka joyless, why bother giving them one day a year that's full of joy? They'll only feel worse when they go back to joyless on boxing day.

minicheddars87 · 23/12/2023 15:14

Bumblebeestiltskin · 23/12/2023 15:08

If their day-to-day life is, as you say, 'strict and controlled', aka joyless, why bother giving them one day a year that's full of joy? They'll only feel worse when they go back to joyless on boxing day.

Being a fairly strict parent isn't the same as giving your children a joyless existence. What a deranged comment. God forbid a woman want to raise her children to eat well, have respect for others and not be a glued to a screen all day....

FastingBitchFace · 23/12/2023 15:16

Miyagi99 · 23/12/2023 13:13

Some people loved walking as a child, I know I did (still do) but we always had a dog.

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That gives a reason and focus for it, otherwise it's just enforced fresh air without the fun of a park.

Wtfammaduck · 23/12/2023 15:18

Let the kids go wild first thing.

It makes the day an anti-climax dragging it all out over hours.

MikeRafone · 23/12/2023 15:18

Waiting to open Xmas present until Xmas day is the delayed gratification. They’ve waited during December and the build up to Xmas

to then ban the children from playing with the toys they have received is not delayed gratification.

also not all the toys will be from your dh, other people will have given gifts, to ban the children from being allowed to play with gifts from others is over the top nonsense and unnecessary

margotrose · 23/12/2023 15:19

FastingBitchFace · 23/12/2023 15:16

That gives a reason and focus for it, otherwise it's just enforced fresh air without the fun of a park.

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But the walk could be to the park so the kids can play, or to the beach (if you're nearby) or to somewhere with a nature trail, or somewhere for them to ride bikes/scooters or play football etc.

A walk doesn't just mean trudging around your estate for an hour!

Nitw1t · 23/12/2023 15:24

Do you have to decide on advance? Can you not take the twins' lead a bit?

I grew up in a "presents all at once before lunch" house. But now we're a "stockings in the morning first thing and then one gift at a time throughout the day" house. It's just evolved that way over the years (DCs are 7 and 9). DC1 used to get a bit overwhelmed doing all at once (I think the year he was 4/nearly 5 it took us days to open his presents because he didn't like the pressure!), and DS2 likes to play with everything as it comes out.

At 4 yo, I'd definitely want to keep some telly time on the agenda to encourage some down time, and keep a little control on the chocolates (one of mine would eat himself sick at that age, given a totally free rein).

theduchessofspork · 23/12/2023 15:35

We always opened most of them after dinner, for both of us as kids and now with the kids - which I think makes sense because it’s dark so you can’t go out, plus daytime guests are there

We opened a couple in the morning, and went out for a run around at some point.

Wasn’t at all joyless but not letting a child play with a present they’ve opened really is - that is strange

mycatcontrolsmylife · 23/12/2023 15:38

Bumblebeestiltskin · 23/12/2023 15:08

If their day-to-day life is, as you say, 'strict and controlled', aka joyless, why bother giving them one day a year that's full of joy? They'll only feel worse when they go back to joyless on boxing day.

I suppose every day's a party for your little darlings who presumably are sat in front a screen eating nothing but nuggets and wotsits all day when they're not throwing a tantrum in the Asda sweets aisle...

JustAGirlScotland · 23/12/2023 15:39

Christmas is all about spending fun relaxing time with family - not rules!

Growing up, my parents were careful with my diet however Christmas was a noted exception!

The very idea of telling small children they have to wait to open gifts they've probably been looking forward to for weeks sounds completely controlling and miserable all round.

Can your husband HONESTLY say he enjoyed his childhood?

mycatcontrolsmylife · 23/12/2023 15:40

I'd do your idea but spreading the presents over morning and lunchtime. But I agree with some comments about trying to let your sons lead to an extent.

Prometheus · 23/12/2023 15:42

I had the same discussion with DH when we first had kids. He is from a middle class family and did the whole delayed gratification thing- had to eat a big breakfast, get showered and dressed before opening any presents. I’m from a working class family and it was dive into the presents whilst wearing PJs and drinking Buck’s Fizz. Happy to say that my way won out 😀

Somepeoplearesnippy · 23/12/2023 15:43

This is a chance for the two of you to compromise and make new traditions. Don't waste time quarrelling about which families habits were better - make plans to take the best of both each way and combine them into something that works well for all of you. It will change over time to become your own traditions.

When D.C. were little they used to be overwhelmed by having too many new presents and special food all at once so we evolved a practice of just opening stockings on Christmas morning. They had the day to play with those smaller presents and enjoy family time and church. On Boxing Day when the house was quieter they opened wrapped presents from us and relations and had time to really appreciate them. They were quite shocked when they went to school and discovered other families opened everything on Christmas morning. They felt sorry for the children who only had one special day at Christmas. They are in their 30s now and we still do it that way.

minicheddars87 · 23/12/2023 15:45

mycatcontrolsmylife · 23/12/2023 15:38

I suppose every day's a party for your little darlings who presumably are sat in front a screen eating nothing but nuggets and wotsits all day when they're not throwing a tantrum in the Asda sweets aisle...

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