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Original poster

Disagreement with DH about Xmas day protocol with the children

413 replies

Socksforxmas · 23/12/2023 12:02

DH and I have twin boys who will turn 4 in a few weeks and this Christmas feels really special to us with it being the first one that they seem to understand. Previous Christmases they were too young to really get it but this year they're really excited about the whole thing.

We've run into a disagreement about how the format of the day should be. In my household growing up my brother and I would get up in the morning, open our stockings in bed with a parent and then head into the living room to dive into all the presents (opening all of them), have 2-3 hours of playing with our new things before lunch is served and then family activities for the rest of the night (playing games, watching whatever Christmas specials, all with lots of sweet treats, chocolates, nice drinks etc).

For DH it was get up in the morning, open stockings and then open 1 or 2 presents, leave the rest to go on a family walk around the park, come back for lunch, open a few more presents, do a board game of some kind and then opening the rest of the presents slowly throughout the day, watching the queens speech (only TV allowed on the day). They weren't allowed to play with new toys on the day (that's what boxing day is for and Christmas is for family) and there were strict rules regarding how much sweets they were allowed. Also a church visit at some point.

With the exception of going church and watching the queens(kings) speech which he has no interest in doing, he wants to pretty much recreate his parents way of doing Christmas as he thinks it's a good way of teaching the boys about the importance of family time and delayed gratification. I see where he's coming from but tbh it all sounds a bit miserable to me...

Every other day of the year we're fairly strict about our the twins diets, amount of screen time, and teaching them to be patient, respectful of others and they are for the majority of time very well behaved children who abide our rules well. I always thought of Christmas as being the one day a year where they could just go nuts and not have so much restriction and control on them. I'd like them to be able to tear into all their presents right away, have time to play with their new things etc

Aibu to think Christmas should be an exception to the usual strict and fairly controlled environment they're in or do DHs ideas have more merit?

OP posts:
Kanelsnegl · 23/12/2023 17:55

Could you compromise? I remember when my niece was around 4 and got so many gifts for Christmas and was just opening one after the other in the end getting overwhelmed and hardly even looking at each one before opening the next (have large extended family she got from too)
Might not even be the most enjoyable for the kids to get them all at once?

Could split them in two Lots, one in the morning and then let then okay with those and after a walk/lunch/whatever get the rest.

Chat about what aspects are most important to each of you and try to retain those?

PomegranateRose · 23/12/2023 18:05

While I feel the nature of marriage and raising children with anyone is that you ultimately need to compromise somewhere in the middle with things like this, I have to say your DH's childhood Christmases sound absolutely joyless in structure and principle to me. As a child my Christmases were much like yours and as others have said, when you're a child, just the waiting for Christmas Day to begin with is an exercise in patience and delayed gratification, especially seeing the presents sat under the tree a couple of days beforehand, as we would. Our parents even let us open one small (pre-selected by them) present on Christmas Eve before bed and I suspect your DH's family would find us barbaric 😂

YANBU!

Crimsonripple · 23/12/2023 18:12

My Christmas was exactly the same as yours. I'm sorry but your husbands seems really depressingly shit.

TrashedSofa · 23/12/2023 18:59

OP is compromising. She's mentioned she's happy to accept the walk, board games and spacing the presents out. DH therefore can do his part by agreeing for the DC to be able to play with their presents on the day and to a Christmas film. Then they just have to hash out the sweets issue.

eurochick · 23/12/2023 19:08

Somewhere between the two is what we do. We do stockings as soon as we are awake. Then downstairs to see The Pile and open a few presents. Then other presents are opened through the day, a few at a time. When our daughter was a toddler it used to take until new year to open them as she was only interested in the thing she had just opened for a few hours. Now we usually open the last few just after lunch and then have a film and a few games.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 23/12/2023 19:12

Your husband's way sounds more like controlling joy - not just at Christmas, either.

caringcarer · 23/12/2023 19:26

We do a mix of both. Open stockings in the morning but not till after breakfast in the sitting room. Then the kids played with their stocking toys and ate a few sweets/chocolates. We ate dinner, walked the dogs then kids were given their big gift from us from underneath the tree and they played with them. All other gifts under the tree and often a lot from Grandparents, Aunties and Uncles opened on Boxing Day.

ForTheLoveOfFriends · 23/12/2023 19:27

For me not allowing them to play with their toys would be non-negotiable. I would simply tell DH that it’s not up for discussion.

BooksAndHooks · 23/12/2023 19:43

We open presents from us in the morning. We open presents from friends and family after Christmas dinner. Best of both.

Bumblebeestiltskin · 23/12/2023 19:44

mycatcontrolsmylife · 23/12/2023 15:38

I suppose every day's a party for your little darlings who presumably are sat in front a screen eating nothing but nuggets and wotsits all day when they're not throwing a tantrum in the Asda sweets aisle...

Show quote history

Ha ha, no, quite the opposite! She has a healthy relationship with food, she's polite and respectful, gets glowing praise from school, friends, and family. She has appropriate boundaries, which she obviously pushes (as do all 6 year olds!), but ultimately I'm the parent. I know first-hand what 'strict and controlled' parenting leads to - I was incredibly skilled at hiding my issues, worries, and bad behaviour. And don't have a great relationship with my parents as an adult.

cardibach · 23/12/2023 19:48

it's all over by about 8am
I really don’t get this, @Croissantsandpistachio
Is Christmas just the gifts to you? The meal and family time and playing wit( the new stuff is more important to me.

cardibach · 23/12/2023 19:49

BooksAndHooks · 23/12/2023 19:43

We open presents from us in the morning. We open presents from friends and family after Christmas dinner. Best of both.

I’ve always liked to orchestrate the presents a bit so the best one is last. Your way would stop that - inevitably less interesting presents from friends would get higher billing.

mycatcontrolsmylife · 23/12/2023 20:00

Bumblebeestiltskin · 23/12/2023 19:44

Ha ha, no, quite the opposite! She has a healthy relationship with food, she's polite and respectful, gets glowing praise from school, friends, and family. She has appropriate boundaries, which she obviously pushes (as do all 6 year olds!), but ultimately I'm the parent. I know first-hand what 'strict and controlled' parenting leads to - I was incredibly skilled at hiding my issues, worries, and bad behaviour. And don't have a great relationship with my parents as an adult.

Show quote history

And you allegedly achieved this all while raising her in a house with zero rules? Alrighty then 🤣

Are you confusing 'strict' with 'authoritarian' perchance?

carly2803 · 23/12/2023 20:07

that sounds horrific - for kids that age it should be fun especially as they believe in father christmas!

our christmas day with the kids normally goes wake up 6ish, rip open all presents while i watch the first 10 minutes, then get a coffee, then stay and play/watch have fun with the mess of toys

I do binbag the paper as i go though!

Bumblebeestiltskin · 23/12/2023 20:19

mycatcontrolsmylife · 23/12/2023 20:00

And you allegedly achieved this all while raising her in a house with zero rules? Alrighty then 🤣

Are you confusing 'strict' with 'authoritarian' perchance?

Show quote history

When did I say no rules? 'Strict and controlling' were my words, taken directly from the OP. You can have rules and boundaries without being strict and controlling.

Original poster
Socksforxmas · 23/12/2023 20:21

Not sure if anyone's necessarily interested in an update but DH and I discussed it more tonight and have come to a nice compromise 😊

The main hill I was prepared to die on was the whole 'no playing with the toys on the day thing' which DH conceded is probably not a problem while they're young. I guess when they're older they might have more of an urge to unwrap a video game and then go hide their rooms all day but that's a problem for later 😂

Thanks everyone for your advice!

OP posts:
Thementalloadisreal · 23/12/2023 20:21

DH family are wrong, Boxing Day is when you go for a walk.

MaggieBroonofGlebeSt · 23/12/2023 20:26

Thementalloadisreal · 23/12/2023 20:21

DH family are wrong, Boxing Day is when you go for a walk.

No as a kid we left the turkey in the oven and went out for a walk. I remember lots of other families out having one, so it wasn't just us!

mycatcontrolsmylife · 23/12/2023 20:38

Bumblebeestiltskin · 23/12/2023 20:19

When did I say no rules? 'Strict and controlling' were my words, taken directly from the OP. You can have rules and boundaries without being strict and controlling.

Show quote history

You have to be in control to enforce rules. The fact that you've scoffed at the very idea of 'control' in a household would suggest that your alleged angel might be a bit of porky 😂

Do you not 'control' the food she eats? The amount of screen time? Her bed time routine? Etc If OP is strict about these things and takes parental control then I imagine her boys are likely lovely children. If you apparently consider being in control of your own kids to be a bad thing then I can hardly say the same about your one 🤣 I think your insistence that you have a perfect angel is a bit of cope on your part.

Musntapplecrumble · 23/12/2023 20:49

With ours it was bring their stockings into us in bed and then get up, get ready for the day, then attack the presents but taking turns, actually looking at them, not just tearing off the wrapping paper and throwing it over their shoulders lol. Then the rest of the day they could play with them, with DH helping if anything needed making up etc. Ahh, mems...

muchalover · 23/12/2023 20:58

We always had father Christmas presents in the morning whenever we got up and didn't disturb parents and then presents from family at 6pm.

I did similar with my kids and even though they can do what they want they still like family presents at 6pm. There's flexibility for little ones but still not in the morning - because they have father Christmas stuff.

LeonieSN93 · 23/12/2023 21:00

@Bumblebeestiltskin I think you probably did mix up authoritative parenting and strict parenting tbh

These days it's seems that you're considered strict if you simply have any boundaries whatsoever regarding minimal junk food or limited screens etc. I remember describing some of my methods at a toddler group I was attending and got hit with a "ooh so you're a strict parent" when I brought up some very basic boundaries regarding food 🤔😬

Bit much to suggest that OPs children are joyless all year round because they have parents who like to enforce rules and boundaries in their household.

@Socksforxmas glad you came to a compromise that suits both. The not being able play with presents thing would've been my main gripe too (although I would definitely prepare for this being more of an issue when you have teen boys 🤣)

bakewellbride · 23/12/2023 21:08

Our kids are 5 and nearly 2 and we will 100% be doing the day your way op. My dh is just as on board as I am. Probably every present will be opened before 8am 😂

Yanbu.

KeeeeeepDancing · 23/12/2023 21:15

Your DH way - joyless, frustrating, bossy. And Victorian.

Why doesn't he give your way a try this year and see how much he enjoys it, and how much he enjoys seeing your children enjoy it?

YuleDragon · 23/12/2023 22:05

Afraid even when older, my opinion is its THEIR christmas as well, why shouldn't they get to enjoy it?

So long as they join you for meal times, leave them alone.