Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Disagreement with DH about Xmas day protocol with the children

413 replies

Socksforxmas · 23/12/2023 12:02

DH and I have twin boys who will turn 4 in a few weeks and this Christmas feels really special to us with it being the first one that they seem to understand. Previous Christmases they were too young to really get it but this year they're really excited about the whole thing.

We've run into a disagreement about how the format of the day should be. In my household growing up my brother and I would get up in the morning, open our stockings in bed with a parent and then head into the living room to dive into all the presents (opening all of them), have 2-3 hours of playing with our new things before lunch is served and then family activities for the rest of the night (playing games, watching whatever Christmas specials, all with lots of sweet treats, chocolates, nice drinks etc).

For DH it was get up in the morning, open stockings and then open 1 or 2 presents, leave the rest to go on a family walk around the park, come back for lunch, open a few more presents, do a board game of some kind and then opening the rest of the presents slowly throughout the day, watching the queens speech (only TV allowed on the day). They weren't allowed to play with new toys on the day (that's what boxing day is for and Christmas is for family) and there were strict rules regarding how much sweets they were allowed. Also a church visit at some point.

With the exception of going church and watching the queens(kings) speech which he has no interest in doing, he wants to pretty much recreate his parents way of doing Christmas as he thinks it's a good way of teaching the boys about the importance of family time and delayed gratification. I see where he's coming from but tbh it all sounds a bit miserable to me...

Every other day of the year we're fairly strict about our the twins diets, amount of screen time, and teaching them to be patient, respectful of others and they are for the majority of time very well behaved children who abide our rules well. I always thought of Christmas as being the one day a year where they could just go nuts and not have so much restriction and control on them. I'd like them to be able to tear into all their presents right away, have time to play with their new things etc

Aibu to think Christmas should be an exception to the usual strict and fairly controlled environment they're in or do DHs ideas have more merit?

OP posts:
ClareBlue · 23/12/2023 15:46

I think we might be a bit strange. We did one family present Christmas Eve, stocking no restriction am at anytime after 7am. Tree presents one after church then rest after 2pm dinner and keep one family prrsent for evening and one for boxing day. Ours never had an issue with it. Would never had had the all at once free for all. I notice they are all doing the spread over 2 days as adults now. It seems it's whatever you are used to and liked as a child or probably more what you didn't like, is the important factor.

ButterflyOil · 23/12/2023 15:47

It’s so interesting how many people hold resentment for things their parents did but then go on to do the same thing to their own kids. The pull of family ‘tradition’ can be incredibly strong.

I think your compromiser sound good. I’d talk to him about how he felt at Xmas and did he actually enjoy them and feel joy? And if not why he thinks it’s a wise idea to repeat a pattern like this. As for the kids going feral, honestly it’s a but more likely they’d rebel as they got older (maybe like another ‘black sheep’ your husband might know ;)) if they are too strictly regimented.

A but of excitement and indulgence for one special day of the year is not going to harm your kids. What’s more likely to harm them is this feeling of being restricted, control and restraint of natural excitement. They only have very few truly magical Xmases, tell your husband to let them be exuberant little kids for this one day - god knows we all get too little of that in life!

Cherrysoup · 23/12/2023 15:49

Your Dh sounds like Victorian dad. Is he really intending to ban the children from playing with their new items on Christmas Day? How sadistic. That’s a horrible cruel ‘tradition’. Going for a walk, lovely, but that alone ticks his ‘delayed gratification’ box, particularly if, like me, you have bouncy dogs who don’t care about presents. They’ll have to wait to play with toys if you leave the house. Do you have family staying?

AintNoPartyLikeANumber10Party · 23/12/2023 15:50

@Socksforxmas my mother had a similar set format for Christmas Day - which was the same when we were little and adult. She probably still does it exactly the same way, but I wouldn’t know… as I’ve not attended her joyless, rigid Christmas in over 30 years.

And even she didn’t insist we had to keep new toys in their packets until Boxing Day - that’s insane. 🤯

Tell your DH to reconsider his Christmas routine.

SussexLass87 · 23/12/2023 15:53

His version of Christmas Day sounds like such a lot of hard work, you'll all be miserable (not just the kids!)

Playing with the new toys together sounds like a lovely way to spend the day (and get the family time that he's focussed on)

NotARealWookiie · 23/12/2023 16:01

We used to have stockings first thing and “tree presents” (family and friends) just after lunch. On the years we didn’t even sit down for dinner until 3/4 it was such a long slog… this said I do think it’s nice to save a few presents for the afternoon, could you compromise with some before lunch and some after lunch?

Fernsfernsferns · 23/12/2023 16:01

Socksforxmas · 23/12/2023 14:05

He does sound really joyless - is he normally like that?

Honestly, no. He's a bit of a black sheep in his immediate family for being a lot less stuffy and stuck up. He's normally pretty down to earth and probably a lot more the 'fun' parent than me most of the time. It was honestly a bit of a shock to me when he said he wanted to do Christmas this way because it's very at odds with the fact that he usually criticises many aspects of how he grew up and has a lot of resentment towards his dad in particular for many things.

Not read all the posts here but this is about the deeper question of building your own family.

you both have a subconscious belief that the way your family did it when you were young is the right way.

it is about bringing this to the surface and taking it over and then agreeing which bits of your childhood traditions you bring in, maybe with some new ideas too, to create your own family traditions

personally I don’t think spacing out present opening necessary makes kids appreciate them more.

and I like Xmas for being a time when kids can do more of what they choose eg open all their presents at once if they want to

now they are a little older me of mine does this then goes back through to choose what to play with first. The other likes to play as they go so takes longer to open everything

neither way is ‘better’

misskatamari · 23/12/2023 16:04

YANBU! DHs Christmas sounds so controlled and depressing. Where’s the fun and the joy? No way would I be putting all these tiles and restrictions in! Your way 100%!

KenIsAnAccessory · 23/12/2023 16:14

Interesting the comments re him being middle class/stuck up.

I was a council estate kid and we were made to space our gifts out through the day, roughly one every hour and a half.

Anyway, your way is soooooo much more fun. I learned this after initially being horrified that this is what DHs (middle class!) family do.

Your suggested compromise is good, or alternatively ask to do it your way this year to see if I likes it? I bet he will!

TheShellBeach · 23/12/2023 16:15

Why would you go for a walk?

SauronsArsehole · 23/12/2023 16:18

nonevernotever · 23/12/2023 12:10

Couldn't you compromise a bit? Do his morning with stockings, a couple of presents, walk and then lunch, and do your afternoon opening the rest of the presents and playing with them, the nearly evening for nibbles and board games?

Yea this!

opening small presents in the morning and saving the big presents for after lunch and having a walk (unless they have bikes then bikes first for the walk!) seems like a great compromise.

kids are going to struggle with the waiting but DO benefit from having things in smaller chunks can aid in preventing overwhelm, tantrums etc and as you have twins this could be even worse

could you separate gifts and start a tradition of the morning Xmas stocking and the ‘after lunch Xmas sack’ with board games and play after present opening.

when DC was little I separated but we’d do half Xmas day which were my gifts , half Boxing Day which were extended family gifts. Because we’d set this up early we didn’t have any tantrums over the waiting of the gifts.

Tandora · 23/12/2023 16:19

nonevernotever · 23/12/2023 12:10

Couldn't you compromise a bit? Do his morning with stockings, a couple of presents, walk and then lunch, and do your afternoon opening the rest of the presents and playing with them, the nearly evening for nibbles and board games?

This. Nobody is right or wrong it’s just a diff way of doing things. Just find a compromise between the two?

azlazee1 · 23/12/2023 16:27

I'm surprised your husband wants to continue his XMAS traditions. Did he really enjoy getting presents and not being allowed to play with them> I know each family has its own traditions - in our house we did stockings, had breakfast and then opened presents. It should be a day of joy and celebration, not a day of restrictions. Hope you can work this out for your children's sake.

ilovesushi · 23/12/2023 16:33

Your DH's Christmas sounds absolutely shit. Yours sounds very like the one we experienced as kids and the kind my DC enjoy now. My DH had this weird thing about opening tree presents in the evening. Did it once but as I usually spend xmas morning making and receiving calls from family it was embarrassing because we couldn't thank them for their gifts. We do mornings now.

Delayed gratification has already happened in lead up to Christmas. You are enjoying being with family because family are around and you are having fun. No need to place a dampener on things.

BurbageBrook · 23/12/2023 16:44

Not playing with presents on Christmas Day is a terrible idea!

Didimum · 23/12/2023 16:55

You’re going to have to compromise, obviously. Not sure why you wouldn’t think you have to?

Justleaveitblankthen · 23/12/2023 17:20

Is your husband a minor Royal?
It sounds all so formal and joyless 😬

Fizbosshoes · 23/12/2023 17:30

I think not allowing children to play with new toys is quite strange (and I don't agree with it) but I'm surprised at the amount of people thinking saving presents for later in the day is "miserable" or "joyless".
As I said in a previous post, we once didn't give DS any presents on Christmas day apart from his stocking and 1 santa present (an octonaut gup X iirc) because he was so happy with it and played with it all day. It's literally one of my best Christmas memories, there was nothing all miserable or joyless, or particularly formal about it. And then he got more presents the next day.

Nitw1t · 23/12/2023 17:32

I actually understand the "not playing with presents" thing.

HOWEVER I don't think it should apply to 4yos though!! But I can imagine an older child disappearing into a new computer game or Lego set, not to be seen for the rest of the day or participating in family time, might want to be discouraged a little for the day.

BoohooWoohoo · 23/12/2023 17:32

OP what happened when the gifts which were opened and unplayed with ? Did they remain under the tree or taken to their bedroom and displayed like a shop until it was Boxing Day? I find that aspect the oddest by far.

JenniferJupiterVenusandMars · 23/12/2023 17:36

Poor kids. My sister used to impose ridiculous regimes on her young children and now they’re adults she wonders why they don’t visit at Christmas.
She would ration out presents for weeks after Christmas Day too.

Ffsmakeitstop · 23/12/2023 17:39

Haven't rtft but what kind of miserable twat gives a child a gift and then doesn't let them play with it for 24 hours? Blown my mind. Tell him to wind his neck in op and give your kids a normal Christmas.

RowanMayfair · 23/12/2023 17:42

How did you do it the last few Christmases? When it was just you two or the kids were babies?

His Christmas sounds utterly crap TBH. I don't like ripping into all presents early morning and I think the stocking is there to entertain the kids for a few hours but we've always done ours before (late) lunch but after a walk. Limiting what they eat and what they play with is depressing.

Hankunamatata · 23/12/2023 17:44

Who on earth gives presents and doesn't let children play with them. It's not delayed gratification, it's a great way to cause 4 year old to have a meltdown

honeylulu · 23/12/2023 17:45

It sounds like you are working towards a good compromise. It's nice to take the best of your family traditions and make them work and ditch the crap bits.

My parents were very much like how your husband's parents sound. They were very religious and the delayed gratification was almost punitive to keep reminding us of Jesus. I did like having presents to look forward to after lunch though. (We got a stocking in the morning, then church, then lunch, so there wasn't really time earlier. ) My mum got worse as years went by and kept adding in things we "had to" do before it was present time which got later and later. No way was I having that!

My husband was from a posher family but he and his siblings (x 4) used to get up at 5am, rip through their stocking, then rip through all their tree presents then wake their parents up by 6am demanding batteries and squabbling, then pestering that they were bored now all the presents were open. He wanted a bit more order.

We do - stocking first thing though these gifts are carefully planned to include stuff that will keep them busy all morning and some are "main present" status but small in size to fit! Then downstairs for a bucks fizz and muffin breakfast. Then everyone gets washed and dressed. Then H cooks lunch and I spend time with the kids - playing with them/ their new stocking stuff, watching a film. Occasionally I've taken then for a walk to the park if they've requested it (never a forced walk). Then lunch, mini clear up and then we all sit down in front of the fire to open tree presents. The rest of the day is pretty chilled - TV, playing, snacking. We have one more present each "from the tree" on Boxing day.

We've had years when the kids asked to open presents earlier so we gave them their main presents before lunch but strangely now they've said they prefer waiting for the "best bit" after lunch. It also means whoever is cooking doesn't miss most of the fun.