Walked out of family Christmas lunch and cancelled plans for Xmas day as felt ignored

[Wensleydales]

Big family lunch today , MIL kept saying how she thought I looked ‘pale’ and ‘unwell’ going on about why I wasn’t drinking etc etc etc. just generally being irritating and critical.

In the end I told her the truth ( I hadn’t wanted to ruin a family event with bad news) that I’d had a MC a couple of weeks ago . When I said she said nothing ?? Started telling me that actually I just hadn’t been eating properly I thought maybe she hadn’t heard ?? So I explained again and she just said nothing then walked off to talk to SIL??

I burst into tears . We left and dh called her when home and she tried to ignore it again - he then asked her what the issue was with her acknowledging it? She proceeded to say women find out too early now (I had told her I was 12 weeks???) and it’s no more than a heavy period and she can’t entertain my attention seeking over that .

Im so upset that we’ve said we are not hosting them on Xmas day now

Sorry for your loss. I suspect this is the tip of the iceberg.

Yes???? That there is hope ahead? I don't see anything wrong with that??

This. Sorry for your loss.

As a member of the 'older generation' I really feel for the OP and all the others who have suffered losses. I can't imagine the pain.

So you can shove your generalisations where the sun doesn't shine.

But that makes you old enough to be MY mother - I am in my early 50s!

The OP's MIL is probably my age. Not yours.

I wonder how two such useless parents have managed to produce a lovely son.

Sorry for your loss OP.

Tell your husband to send them the address to their local Tesco, Waitrose, M&S... And wish them a Merry Christmas.

I physically gasped when I read that. I’m so sorry for your loss and so sorry your mother in law is so horrible.

You've done the right thing cancelling them, spend Xmas with people who love you.

You can't see anything wrong with telling a woman who M/C'd only two weeks ago and who's just been traumatised by her MIL's spiteful reaction not to worry because with a bit of luck eventually she won't miss the baby she just lost?

Theyve got two days to sort good. Your mil was bang out of order. Sorry for your mc.

Perhaps a woman who has just suffered an MC needs time to grieve before being chivvied along with a stiff upper lip, plenty more babies and it was only a heavy bleed sort of attitude. I mean, just stop.

It was the way things were when my parents were having us in the 60s and 70s. I don't know why anyone would argue with that?

However, as a 60-something now, my generation could find out that we were pregnant when we were as little as 4 weeks. I'm just wondering what age the MIL is, because it was surely the same when she was having her kids?

I'm not sure I could speak to my mil for a very long while if she said that to me. I'm so sorry op.

The only thing I can say in mitigation although not at all, in any way to excuse your mother in laws comments which are inexcusable.....is that many women of an older generation have had traumas that they were never allowed to grieve or acknowledge. It can make them very harsh and hard. I found out my hugely tough and grandmother had lost two child small children in infancy and her husband had burnt all evidence of them before she got home from the hospital. It helped me forgive her harshness to me when I had a miscarriage.

Lots of things in life "used to be like that"

Thankfully we know better in most areas now.

Soo so sorry for your loss and please be kind to yourself and your husband sounds very supportive and has your back.
She sounds just awful and mean and narcissistic and should have hugged you and given you some comfort.
Your husband did the right thing and just relax for next few days and sending warm hugs. Had 2 miscarriages and it is awful as you feel so alone. Lots of love on here for you and understand and your husband is going through the grief with you, look after each other.

YANBU. That's an awful response from someone who is supposed to care about you, her son and potential grandchildren.

And for FIL to guilt trip you about shopping?? They've got their priorities wrong.

I hope the fact your DH is supporting you gives you some strength to get through this terrible time.

One of the things you will see women who have lost their babies asking other mums for their own 'success' stories. I know I did. If you can't understand that, then too bad. Nobody is saying that she doesn't need time to grieve, just that it won't always feel this bad.

FGS.

Well the not your problem. Perhaps she had a lesson in life. She's a self centred cow, and doesn't deserve a word of sympathy. Good on you OP stick to your guns.

Doesn't change history...

Clearly you don't, but enough of us do. If you are truly trying to help, stop now.

It's not a generational thing.

My mum, who would have been 94 this year, had a m/c about three years before she had me. She always talked about it as did my dad. Even my aunt mentioned it a few times. That baby was mourned. As it should be.

And I'm also 60 years old. I don't remember anyone in our family being flippant about 'heavy bleeds' if a cousin or friend had a m/c no matter how 'early'.

Plus, how the heck is it just a 'heavy period' if you're 12 weeks pregnant. You've missed three periods. I don't think women seriously missed three periods in the past without suspecting they were pregnant. Therefore it's not a heavy period if you bleed at 12 weeks. It's been caused by something not just nature being a 'bit late'!

As for the 'FIL says they'd be hard pushed to get Christmas food'...our local supermarket will have half price turkeys the day after Boxing day. Guaranteed. Always do. Therefore I'm pretty sure they can still get everything they need before the 25th. Maybe they could add 'a heart and a bit of empathy' to their shopping list.

Take care OP. I hope you and your lovely DH have a peaceful and healing Christmas.

Sounds like my MIL - I have been NC for 25 years and never regretted it. She was just like this when I had a miscarriage actually asking if I really wanted it any way. When I look back, everything was all about her and I think she feared my having a child might make her somehow less important.

I had two girls, the first she made a huge fuss of whilst continually criticising my parenting and many other cruelties. My second dd she decided to ignore. No card, no small gift, no nothing. It was all designed to make me wonder what I had done wrong and try harder. But I had had enough. My kids came as a package, not children she could use to recommence her mind games.

Thinking back, my dad died very suddenly when I was only 23 and she never addressed it ever. It took attention away from her. Another trick was being ill if we went on holiday. Asking what wedding gift we would like, agreeing upon it (nothing too expensive) then mocking me and denying she had ever said that.

I do hope you are okay. Do not feel guilty (another trick). I am sure FIL can go shopping. She has let herself down and needs to deal with it. Keep your distance op and try to enjoy your Christmas. At least you wont have to put up with them.

It came from the heart.

Not sure why you have to make it out to be so trite.

I'm sure MIL can write FIL a list and he can do that thing where people transport themselves to a supermarket, walk round it and pick things up off the shelves (preferably things that are on the list) put them in a trolley, walk to the checkouts and pay.

Fuck the pair of them. You and DH have NOT let them down - MIL has let them down by being a self-obsessed wanker. Even now, she's trying to make it all about her - anxious, my arse!

Fuck the pair of them, MIL for being a cunt and FIL for being a flying monkey. They wouldn't be crossing my doorstep again.

Where exactly has OP asked for success stories? Oh, that's right, she hasn't.

Please FGS stop.

I wonder if it’s a generational thing?
My MIL lost a baby at almost full term and then another shortly after birth.

It was very distressing for her and FIL.

It was pre eclampsia.
( Less treatable back then)