Walked out of family Christmas lunch and cancelled plans for Xmas day as felt ignored

[Wensleydales]

Big family lunch today , MIL kept saying how she thought I looked ‘pale’ and ‘unwell’ going on about why I wasn’t drinking etc etc etc. just generally being irritating and critical.

In the end I told her the truth ( I hadn’t wanted to ruin a family event with bad news) that I’d had a MC a couple of weeks ago . When I said she said nothing ?? Started telling me that actually I just hadn’t been eating properly I thought maybe she hadn’t heard ?? So I explained again and she just said nothing then walked off to talk to SIL??

I burst into tears . We left and dh called her when home and she tried to ignore it again - he then asked her what the issue was with her acknowledging it? She proceeded to say women find out too early now (I had told her I was 12 weeks???) and it’s no more than a heavy period and she can’t entertain my attention seeking over that .

Im so upset that we’ve said we are not hosting them on Xmas day now

You absolutely get to feel how you feel, and I’m sorry she was so pigging insensitive- not the first response or rather lack of response, but the behaviour since.
I’m only 55 and was the first person I knew to get pregnant. My ideas were formed from older people. I didn’t consider myself pregnant until quite late because that was the attitude. You were ‘late’ and you ‘might be pregnant’. It wasn’t until you went to the GP (which took a while) that you knew for sure.

I was quite disappointed when the GP said she didn’t need to test as I’d done a home test. I really felt the need to be told I definitely was!

She was really insensitive.

I do think the early testing is a double edged sword. Many more women go through the loss now, than did in the days we only lost the ‘possibly pregnant’- the hope of pregnancy.

Feel free to tell them that McDonalds is usually open Xmas day and that you couldn't care less if they have a turkey dinner or Big Mac.

She sounds like a particularly unpleasant woman, there absolutely no need for you to put yourself through dealing with her on Xmas day. Maybe she'll even learn a lesson and try to be nicer in the future.

Because it IS trite in the circumstances.

I don't know why people are talking about age. Both my mother (70) and my grandmother (90) lost a child and they have been devastated about it all their lives.

I lost a baby many years ago. They were both very upset and sympathetic about it.

I'm very sorry for your loss, OP. And I'm really very sorry that you had to deal with someone like that. Absolutely you've done the right thing in changing your Christmas plans.

You look after yourself 🌺

My experience is just as valid as anyone else's. I was merely sharing it.

Not arguing with any more silly comments.

Is the OP on here asking for success stories? Does every woman cope the same way over MC? I LOVE the way you assume I have not had an MC, so I can't possibly understand.

Good. Stop.

@Bookworm1111 you are deliberatly misconstruing @Zebedee55 's post. It was clearly a reporting of an opinion from the time, not the poster's own opinion.

I also think that there are different topics that different generations feel comfortable being a prick about. @Zebedee55 has actually given a very good example of the dismissiveness and nastiness that surrounded anything related to the female reproductive system when the MIL would have been of reproductive age.

I do think however, that MIL is just a deeply self-absorbed person who would avoid empathy as though it were the plague.

It is a shame that this couple facing a sad and difficult Christmas and that one set of parents are being vile. That is really hard.

Wtaf? She should have left it at "Sorry" and kept that thought to herself. It's tactless, at best, and possibly downright nasty.

I'm sorry for your loss, and for her crass comment. I wouldn't blame you if you VLC after that.

And can I just say it is so lovely to read about a husband who has his wife's back, rather than turn out to be a mummy's boy. Good for him!

Have a lovely Christmas just the two of you - you can now suit yourselves completely, from the full dinner on your 'best china' with twinkly candles on the table, through to feet up in front of the telly eating nothing but Quality Street, or anything in-between.

If you say so, of course. Totally out of context but suit yourself.🙄

Can't get over the cheek of the FIL complaining about Christmas dinner! There's literally a fuckton of Christmas food in the shops and if she is ill, then he can get her arse out and get it. (She was clearly ok at lunch earlier!)

@Wensleydales you did exactly the right thing and your update just underlines the type of people they are. She should have been mortified that she upset you, and full of apologies - even offering to do Christmas dinner to let you rest.

Utterly vile. Ignore the old witch. Glad your husband stood up for you.
Sorry for your loss💐

That’s horrendous - and then to phone because they’re worried about their shopping! 🤯 I’m sorry you’ve been though all this - you handled it much better than I would have. Hope you manage to have a nice Christmas x

Heavens, I don't know how you restrained yourself from acts of violence at the dinner table. I'm so sorry for your loss. She's still trying to justify her actions to save face and when you are grieving that is not what a compassionate family member does

Awful woman and so insensitive. Tell her that anxiety over a food shop is nothing compared to a MC. Sorry for your loss. I had an early MC before having my 2 daughters and some people just don't get that it hurts every bit as much as a miscarriage later on in pregnancy. Have a restful day with your DH on Monday.

She is panicking now and using FIL as her flying monkey to force you into relenting. What a piece of work.

Just grey rock. She has been a nasty arsehole and is now floundering around to find a way to make this not her fault.

Oh @Wensleydales i am so sorry for your loss.
12 weeks is when you get to that "I'm almost out the scary bit", you must be crushed.

I lost a pregancy at 10/11 weeks (approx) a few years ago and the grief made me an absolute psycho. Grief and I do not get on. I think you did incredible to simply get up and walk, I'm very proud of you for conducting yourself so well.

I think older generations often were a bit tougher on miscarriages emotionally and I have heard many women use the "late period" comment but it isn't at all is it? It's a devastating loss that needs to be acknowledged and grieved.

You spend Xmas day in your Jim jams, you eat more chocolate than you thought was physically possible and you watch something you find comforting.

She’s a cf!! 12 weeks or 30 weeks a loss is a loss. From the moment you find out you’re pregnant you’re planning baby things, sorry for your loss lovely, I had a later term loss and it’s devastating. X

So sorry Op.
My thoughts are with you and your dh.
I'm so glad he has your back on this.as he is suffering too.
I can't believe that the bloody self centred woman is bothered about her Christmas shop !!
She's two days left to get it sorted.
Effing bitch..

I'm very sorry for your loss. I would certainly not host the nasty creature for Christmas either, or ever again. What a cold woman

Well I am 5 years older than you and tested early with all 5 pregnancies. OK I was probably a late starter compared to my friends, but that attitude was not shared by any of my peers.

If anything, I'd have thought it would be dying out now with the generation who had to wait until the GP told them they were pregnant? I'm assuming MIL can't be that old?

I'm so sorry OP. What a cow. You did the right thing. I wouldn't bother seeing her again. My MIL is similar, after 10 years of putting up with it, I said enough. Couldn't be happier now. Every time I rang her to call her out on her awful behaviour it was always "Im sorry you feel that way, I don't know what you're upset about or what your problem is". Now she doesn't get to see us I think she finally understands what the problem is - her! Not me.

FIL needs to get himself to the shops first thing tomorrow. What an awful woman she is.

I'm so sorry you had a miscarriage. In anyone's world 12 weeks is a horrible loss.

So sorry for your loss op and I’m glad your dh has your best interests at heart. I don’t blame you for putting a stop to hosting Christmas.
MIL was intrusive and insensitive. She’s also ignorant about pregnancy and miscarriage. A loss at 12 weeks is nothing like a heavy period. I had a miscarriage at 12 weeks and needed medical intervention to remove retained tissue. I’ve never had that happen with a heavy period.
Mine happened 40 years ago, different times, my mum patted me on the shoulder and said “These things happen” and that was about it. But she wasn’t dismissive of my feelings or experience.

Misscarages are awful. Come how far you are.
You'll never foget the date of his or her arrival.
Mother in law maybe was trying to play it down.
Said all the wrong things.
Came out wrong.
Maybe she's hard and get gob runs away with her.
She's had kids she must know how it feels for women.
Good bless you honey, your baby is now a Angel..