Page 8 | Walked out of family Christmas lunch and cancelled plans for Xmas day as felt ignored

Wensleydales · 2023-12-22T16:09:02+00:00

Big family lunch today , MIL kept saying how she thought I looked ‘pale’ and ‘unwell’ going on about why I wasn’t drinking etc etc etc. just generally being irritating and critical. In the end I told her the truth ( I hadn’t wanted to ruin a family event with bad news) that I’d had a MC a couple of weeks ago . When I said she said nothing ?? Started telling me that actually I just hadn’t been eating properly I thought maybe she hadn’t heard ?? So I explained again and she just said nothing then walked off to talk to SIL?? I burst into tears . We left and dh called her when home and she tried to ignore it again - he then asked her what the issue was with her acknowledging it? She proceeded to say women find out too early now (I had told her I was 12 weeks???) and it’s no more than a heavy period and she can’t entertain my attention seeking over that . Im so upset that we’ve said we are not hosting them on Xmas day now

MrsDilligaf · 22/12/2023 17:34

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Keep away from PIL's for as long as you need to; they will survive, they won't starve. Put your feet up and rest, be kind to yourself

Sending hugs x

Bookworm1111 · 22/12/2023 17:34

Zebedee55 · 22/12/2023 17:33

To be fair, it’s probably generational. In the early 70’s, I had a MC at approx 12 weeks. Not many knew, because pregnancy confirmation took longer and most didn’t announce anything until later, but the medics and few relatives/friends that did know took the view that it was just a heavy bleed, (which it was), “nature's way”, onwards and upwards for the next pregnancy.

It honestly wasn’t considered a big deal, at that stage.

So, she might not understand that views have changed.

What an unbelievably tone deaf response.

BritneyBookClubPresident · 22/12/2023 17:36

I'm so sorry for your loss. Your mother in law sounds rude and completely lacks empathy. Your father in law is just as bad.

I'm glad your DH is not like them

WimbyAce · 22/12/2023 17:37

So sorry for your loss. I find a lot of people have no idea how to talk about miscarriage and the older generation particularly can be quite insensitive.
Be kind to yourself over Christmas and ongoing, there is no need for you to see anyone if you don't feel like it.

Canthave2manycats · 22/12/2023 17:37

JANEY205 · 22/12/2023 16:53

It’s not sad she feels that way. Those are her feelings. Some of us would find your reaction cold…point is we all react differently and you don’t get to decide how another woman feels about her losses. My grandmother talks about all of her losses and felt them all acutely. So let’s do away with this BS about times gone by. Women were expected to shut up and not reach out for support, let she glad now most of us know to provide comfort to anyone going through this.

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I was in no way "cold"!!!

My point is, that we have a devastated young woman here, having lost her baby so recently. I felt that it was useful to say that she may not spend the rest of her days missing the baby that didn't get to be born.

I have always been very open about my miscarriages, and have supported lots of women when they've confided that they have had one. I mourned my losses like anyone else, and it was awful at the time. I was about to turn 40 and I thought it was never going to happen for us. I think you have a bit of a cheek to call me "cold" tbh - my experience is absolutely as valid as anyone else's. I only remember roughly the dates of my losses but I put my focus on the baby I did have - who wouldn't have been born if either of the other two had survived.

Neither is it BS about times gone by - you even said that yourself at the end of your post!!! It wasn't the done thing to talk about mc. My mother lost a fullterm baby who was rushed to a hospital a distance away and she never saw them again in the 9 days they lived. Now that is truly barbaric, and quite rightly would never happen now.

Canthave2manycats · 22/12/2023 17:38

Bookworm1111 · 22/12/2023 17:34

What an unbelievably tone deaf response.

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It's not. I am 60, so old enough to remember how things were then!!

Universalsnail · 22/12/2023 17:38

Tbh I wouldn't be going to hers at Christmas or having much of a relationship with her again after that and I think your partner needs to grow a pair and tell her how horrible that was.

Edit: just read updates and realised he did indeed grow a pair. Good on him. Tbh if I was him I would tell her apology was terrible too.

I definitely still will not be going for Christmas

Needapadlockonmyfridge · 22/12/2023 17:39

I am sorry for your loss, OP.

And enraged at your MIL 's response and how she has behaved subsequently.

I am glad your DH has your back.

Bookworm1111 · 22/12/2023 17:39

I felt that it was useful to say that she may not spend the rest of her days missing the baby that didn't get to be born.

Useful to a woman who has just had the M/C???? Jesus.

ByTheTreeWithTheGoldenClock · 22/12/2023 17:40

Canthave2manycats · 22/12/2023 17:38

It's not. I am 60, so old enough to remember how things were then!!

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My mother is ten years older and was so sympathetic to my miscarriage. She remembered her own with sadness too. So it isn't a generational thing, it's a humanity and empathy thing.

mumtumok · 22/12/2023 17:40

Sorry to hear you have both been through this. At least your partner is on your side. Stay strong 💪

SecondUsername4me · 22/12/2023 17:40

Zebedee55 · 22/12/2023 17:33

To be fair, it’s probably generational. In the early 70’s, I had a MC at approx 12 weeks. Not many knew, because pregnancy confirmation took longer and most didn’t announce anything until later, but the medics and few relatives/friends that did know took the view that it was just a heavy bleed, (which it was), “nature's way”, onwards and upwards for the next pregnancy.

It honestly wasn’t considered a big deal, at that stage.

So, she might not understand that views have changed.

I had a miscarriage at 12 weeks and it was far from a "heavy bleed".

kimchio · 22/12/2023 17:40

Wensleydales · 22/12/2023 16:57

FIL has now called dh telling him that MIL has been feeling unwell and dh needs to talk to her as she’s anxious they won’t get a Christmas shop now that we’ve let them down I dont know whether to laugh or cry

She's been incredibly cruel. If you agree then perhaps DH could drive over their Christmas dinner on the day and leave it outside the door? But I wouldn't blame you both if that was a big HELL NO

Nanny0gg · 22/12/2023 17:41

Zebedee55 · 22/12/2023 17:33

To be fair, it’s probably generational. In the early 70’s, I had a MC at approx 12 weeks. Not many knew, because pregnancy confirmation took longer and most didn’t announce anything until later, but the medics and few relatives/friends that did know took the view that it was just a heavy bleed, (which it was), “nature's way”, onwards and upwards for the next pregnancy.

It honestly wasn’t considered a big deal, at that stage.

So, she might not understand that views have changed.

Nonsense

It is NOT generational

krustykittens · 22/12/2023 17:41

Canthave2manycats · 22/12/2023 17:38

It's not. I am 60, so old enough to remember how things were then!!

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How big is a baby at 12 weeks?

"Your baby, or foetus, is now 5.4cm long from head to bottom, which is about the size of a plum. The internal organs and muscles have grown, and the heartbeat can be picked up on an ultrasound scan. The skeleton is made up from tissue and hardening into bone."

OP lost a baby, she didn't have a heavy bleed. You are as bad as her MIL by saying that is was it was. She is not upset over having a period! This may not have been understood in the 70s but we understand it now and there is no excuse for being ignorant.

Bookworm1111 · 22/12/2023 17:42

Canthave2manycats · 22/12/2023 17:38

It's not. I am 60, so old enough to remember how things were then!!

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You really think merrily detailing it was seen as 'nature's way' is appropriate in the circumstances? Or starting a post with 'to be fair' as you blithely condone the MIL's shitty response to OP?

Zebedee55 · 22/12/2023 17:42

SecondUsername4me · 22/12/2023 17:40

I had a miscarriage at 12 weeks and it was far from a "heavy bleed".

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Well, I had to go in overnight for a D&C, but that was it, physically, to be fair.

Universalsnail · 22/12/2023 17:42

Wensleydales · 22/12/2023 16:57

FIL has now called dh telling him that MIL has been feeling unwell and dh needs to talk to her as she’s anxious they won’t get a Christmas shop now that we’ve let them down I dont know whether to laugh or cry

I would honestly just say oh well tough.

They can go to the supermarket

gotomomo · 22/12/2023 17:43

12 weeks is tough, (I was 8 weeks and it was way more than a period!) she's heartless, not to mention rude prior.

If you had said you were 4/5 weeks I admit I kind of would have understood her point more about testing early but anything after 6 weeks is hard

momonpurpose · 22/12/2023 17:43

That is bile and disgusting. I hope you never speak to this evil witch again. I am so very sorry for your loss

Zebedee55 · 22/12/2023 17:43

Bookworm1111 · 22/12/2023 17:42

You really think merrily detailing it was seen as 'nature's way' is appropriate in the circumstances? Or starting a post with 'to be fair' as you blithely condone the MIL's shitty response to OP?

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I wasn’t condoning it. I was just expressing a view that life used to be like that. 🙄

Goinggreymammy · 22/12/2023 17:43

I'm so sorry for your loss and that you had to go through this additional upset so close to Christmas.
Your MIL was very unkind. I'm not condoning her rudeness and lack of empathy, but I think it is possible that she herself may have had a MC or more than one, and at that time many women were just told to try again, get on with it etc. So she may have felt unable to react appropriately to your sad news if she still had unresolved grief herself.
Now that is total speculation but it might explain her bizzare hurtful reaction.
Sending you a hug. Xx

Bookworm1111 · 22/12/2023 17:44

Zebedee55 · 22/12/2023 17:42

Well, I had to go in overnight for a D&C, but that was it, physically, to be fair.

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Seriously, please stop. It's bordering cruel now.

Goingsunny · 22/12/2023 17:44

I don't think this is a generational attitude either. I had a loss at 16 weeks 6 years ago and both Grandmas were upset at the loss of their potential grandchild. They would have been mid 70's and early 60's at the time. My husband's Nan had more than one later loss and used to bring them up regularly I'm told. She would be way over 100 now. I'm told women were expected to just forget about losses and try again in days gone by , but that's not to say that's what they actually did.
Your MIL is stone cold OP, don't back down about Christmas day and I'd be careful about letting her back in again at all.

meercat23 · 22/12/2023 17:44

krustykittens · 22/12/2023 17:41

How big is a baby at 12 weeks?

"Your baby, or foetus, is now 5.4cm long from head to bottom, which is about the size of a plum. The internal organs and muscles have grown, and the heartbeat can be picked up on an ultrasound scan. The skeleton is made up from tissue and hardening into bone."

OP lost a baby, she didn't have a heavy bleed. You are as bad as her MIL by saying that is was it was. She is not upset over having a period! This may not have been understood in the 70s but we understand it now and there is no excuse for being ignorant.

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Agree so much with what you have posted except that I experienced a MC in the mid sixties and even then people absolutely did understand that it was a horrible experience for so much more than physical reasons.

OP I am sorry for your loss and for the fact that your MiL is so totally lacking in empathy and understanding, except of course when it comes to worrying about her Christmas dinner!