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AIBU?

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Original poster

Walked out of family Christmas lunch and cancelled plans for Xmas day as felt ignored

666 replies

Wensleydales · 22/12/2023 16:09

Big family lunch today , MIL kept saying how she thought I looked ‘pale’ and ‘unwell’ going on about why I wasn’t drinking etc etc etc. just generally being irritating and critical.

In the end I told her the truth ( I hadn’t wanted to ruin a family event with bad news) that I’d had a MC a couple of weeks ago . When I said she said nothing ?? Started telling me that actually I just hadn’t been eating properly I thought maybe she hadn’t heard ?? So I explained again and she just said nothing then walked off to talk to SIL??

I burst into tears . We left and dh called her when home and she tried to ignore it again - he then asked her what the issue was with her acknowledging it? She proceeded to say women find out too early now (I had told her I was 12 weeks???) and it’s no more than a heavy period and she can’t entertain my attention seeking over that .

Im so upset that we’ve said we are not hosting them on Xmas day now

OP posts:
Exasperateddonut · 22/12/2023 17:22

They’ll cope. I’ve not done the Christmas shop yet and far from panicking. Absolute knobs.

Nice to see the whole of mumsnet behind you. I hope you have a peaceful Christmas.

Getamoveon36 · 22/12/2023 17:23

Wensleydales · 22/12/2023 16:13

She’s text me to say that she’s sorry but that she thinks I over react and stress too much so that won’t have helped 🤦‍♀️

Good grief. I’m sorry you are having to put up with that at a horrible time for you. Have a relaxing Christmas at home xx

JellyBabiesSaveLives · 22/12/2023 17:23

Ask Fil if thinks they might both be over-reacting and stressing too much?

Wish them a Happy Christmas and then block them till about the 7th January

CoffeeWithMyOxygen · 22/12/2023 17:23

DH can just reply that he can‘t entertain MIL’s attention seeking

Allwelcone · 22/12/2023 17:23

Oh OP 💐 so sorry to hear of your loss obviously MIL was totally out of order.
Mine is a nightmare too. You can tie yourself in knots wishing people were different.

Many many years after putting up with MIL's hurtful catastrophically rude behaviour, transpires she not only had a still birth but had to give a baby up for adoption. Explains something I guess.

Would you like her to apologise properly so you can move on, if not now, then later?

jamimmi · 22/12/2023 17:25

I'm so sorry, I hope things improve for you. DH sounds amazing. No idea how old MIL is but assuming she's 50or 60 absolutely no reason to blame her generation she just seriously lacking empathy. DO NOT host, she can get to tesco in the next 48 hours. You need a peaceful day with DH doing what makes you feel happiest. Next pregnancy I wouldn't tell her your pregnant till at least 6 months and when she complains say you felt it was to early to say. I hope.that happens when you are ready.

gotmychristmasmiracle · 22/12/2023 17:25

Gosh she sounds awful, sounds like you did the right thing. Sorry for your loss 💐.

Sounds like she has her own issues around miscarriage.

ArchetypalBusyMum · 22/12/2023 17:25

JellyBabiesSaveLives · 22/12/2023 17:23

Ask Fil if thinks they might both be over-reacting and stressing too much?

Wish them a Happy Christmas and then block them till about the 7th January

👌
Glad your DH is standing with you - rightly so.

Picklewicklepickle · 22/12/2023 17:25

I’m so sorry for your loss OP, your MiL pushed and pushed you for a reaction than was a bitch when you gave her the truth, she’s a cow.

I had a missed MC picked up at my 12 week scan, I was lucky enough to have surgery to avoid the physical side but dear god the grief knocked me sideways for a long time. Losses are losses.

It sounds like you have a great supportive DH who will stand up for you x

ChrisPriss · 22/12/2023 17:26

I'm so very sorry for your loss and I wish you a peaceful Christmas x

Ohthatsfabulousdarling · 22/12/2023 17:26

Not your problem. That she's not likely to get a christmas shop. Shouldn't be such a nasty person, should she!
I'm sorry for your loss.

LeftyLou · 22/12/2023 17:27

You miscarried at twelves weeks and she said it's "nothing more than a heavy period"? Vile!

Sorry for your loss @Wensleydales Hope you and your husband are okay 💐

Wendysfriend · 22/12/2023 17:27

So sorry for the loss of your baby x

I was thinking maybe mil just didn't think when she heard the news first, but to repeatly ignore and make stupid comments and then fil to say that, way after the event, I have no sympathy for them and you are right not to host. You need to rest up, this is a traumatic time for you and DH, he sounds lovely.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 22/12/2023 17:27

Wensleydales · 22/12/2023 16:57

FIL has now called dh telling him that MIL has been feeling unwell and dh needs to talk to her as she’s anxious they won’t get a Christmas shop now that we’ve let them down I dont know whether to laugh or cry

That is what my husband would say "tough titties" to!

greengreengrass25 · 22/12/2023 17:27

So sorry for your loss OP

This is happening to a family member at the moment and it is so upsetting

MIL is being very difficult

Jessie278 · 22/12/2023 17:28

Nasty nasty woman. You'll be better of without that negativity in your home. You'll be stressed out more with her there. Hope you're okay. Flowers

HazelBite · 22/12/2023 17:28

It would be interesting to know if MIL had ever miscarried?
Because if she had she would realise that at 12 weeks it is not just a heavy period.
When I had mine (at 13 weeks) it was mainly those who had suffered the same who were sympathetic and supportive.
Have a lovely quiet Christmas OP with your DH, and look forward to a happier New Year x

SecondUsername4me · 22/12/2023 17:29

What a nasty, self obsessed woman. That would be it for me.

krustykittens · 22/12/2023 17:30

YOU have let THEM down?! Fuck me, you couldn't made a dent on their necks! She's a nasty piece of work and he sounds like a clueless twat. Have a nice Christmas on your own, OP. I hope 2024 is a better year for you. xx

User1789 · 22/12/2023 17:32

Sorry for your loss. It sounds like a difficult Christmas for you and your DH, and I am so sorry you have been let down by family like this.

My MIL was very awful when I was pregnant and had a baby, I think as the focus was off her.

Do you have any other children? Has your DH been clear with her that he is planning on having children with you? For MILs this self-centred it may well come as a shock. Mine managed to tell us off about a petty triviality when we told her about my pregnancy. It was very hard for her apparently.

I also recognise the constant pushing for information that doesn't concern her, passive agressiveness, rude comments about me and my appearance, arsehollery and complete lack of boundaries. And also the point blank refusal to acknowledge a difficult situation, other than how it impacts on her.

I am now v low contact. It is great.

wronginalltherightways · 22/12/2023 17:33

Wensleydales · 22/12/2023 16:57

FIL has now called dh telling him that MIL has been feeling unwell and dh needs to talk to her as she’s anxious they won’t get a Christmas shop now that we’ve let them down I dont know whether to laugh or cry

"No, dad. Mum has let US down with her vile words about my wife who has just suffered a miscarriage. You can both do one."

GabriellaMontez · 22/12/2023 17:33

Wow. She both apologised then went on to blame you. Bit short on self awareness isn't she.

Plenty of food on the shelves so don't worry about her lunch.

Zebedee55 · 22/12/2023 17:33

To be fair, it’s probably generational. In the early 70’s, I had a MC at approx 12 weeks. Not many knew, because pregnancy confirmation took longer and most didn’t announce anything until later, but the medics and few relatives/friends that did know took the view that it was just a heavy bleed, (which it was), “nature's way”, onwards and upwards for the next pregnancy.

It honestly wasn’t considered a big deal, at that stage.

So, she might not understand that views have changed.

BrutusMcDogface · 22/12/2023 17:34

I’m so sorry for your loss 😢 💐

cadburyegg · 22/12/2023 17:34

So sorry OP YANBU. Unfortunately my ex MIL was similar when I had my MC - she was disappointed that she wasn't the centre of attention.