Walked out of family Christmas lunch and cancelled plans for Xmas day as felt ignored

[Wensleydales]

Big family lunch today , MIL kept saying how she thought I looked ‘pale’ and ‘unwell’ going on about why I wasn’t drinking etc etc etc. just generally being irritating and critical.

In the end I told her the truth ( I hadn’t wanted to ruin a family event with bad news) that I’d had a MC a couple of weeks ago . When I said she said nothing ?? Started telling me that actually I just hadn’t been eating properly I thought maybe she hadn’t heard ?? So I explained again and she just said nothing then walked off to talk to SIL??

I burst into tears . We left and dh called her when home and she tried to ignore it again - he then asked her what the issue was with her acknowledging it? She proceeded to say women find out too early now (I had told her I was 12 weeks???) and it’s no more than a heavy period and she can’t entertain my attention seeking over that .

Im so upset that we’ve said we are not hosting them on Xmas day now

I do find that older people view miscarriages as just a heavy period. They don't see it as losing a baby, but just an egg that didn't take. She probably doesn't understand why you're so upset. It's a generational thing. I know you're upset by your loss, and feeling all over the place right now. I do think cancelling their invitation to Christmas dinner, will affect your relationship with them in the future. Is it worth falling out with them?

I am so sorry for your loss, @Wensleydales. As for your parents-in laws' behaviour, if I were you, I would try to ignore them and let your husband deal with them, as much as he wants to. (Because that's another thing a lot of people used to forget, maybe still do, the prospective father is also suffering a loss, though obviously not a physical one, emotionally, it is just as bad for some men, I think.)
As an "older" person (born mid-Fifties), I have every sympathy with anyone who has a miscarriage, having suffered one quite late one, and another quite early. In both cases, I was hospitalised and operated on. My mother, who was about the same age as I am now at the time of the first one, told me every day she was praying for me for the two weeks I was confined to bed to see if the baby could be saved, and when I finally lost the baby, consoled me by telling me that clearly it was a good thing as the baby wouldn't have been perfect if she'd lived. After that, for the second loss, I didn't even tell her I was pregnant.

And could I just say: "heavy period" - my extremely large backside.

@Wensleydales and anyone else here who has suffered the trauma of miscarriage.

What about the spiteful text message MIL sent OP saying her stress was most likely a cause? Or them being more concerned about missing out on sprouts than checking she’s okay? Still think OP should just put her feelings aside for the sake of family relations?

Seconded, with another fuck off for that poster.

Also a boomer (who hasn't been in this situation but is appalled by the behaviour of the ILs and also very sorry for the OP's loss).

This woman could be around my age, I'm 46. I have DC old enough to be trying to conceive.

It's crazy to call this a generational thing. No excuses should be given for her awful, shameful behaviour. And it's disrespectful to 'older' generations who wouldn't dream of being so vile.

Sounds like mil isn't that nice anyway. Attention seeking and borderline narc.

Absolutely! Another fuck off from me too.

Why are you excusing such shameful behaviour? Did you read everything MIL said to OP?

If SIL (MIL’s daughter) had a miscarriage, I bet MIL’s reaction would be very different.

I'm sorry for your loss op and hope you have a peaceful Christmas. And glad your husband is so supportive.

I wouldn't be able to forgive without a really heartfelt apology and remorse from her, which you don't have.

I can imagine my mil not thinking a miscarriage is a big deal, I know she's never had one and is of a generation where it was probably always downplayed/not talked about. So she wouldn't understand what it entails. However if I was visibly upset and confided in her, she wouldn't be nasty to me as yours has been.
Maybe this will be a learning curve for your mil.

Wishing you a happy 2024 x

Another boomer here…How old do you think this MIL is? She could be any age from 40 to 90, depending on how old her son is. He could be a lot older than OP or he could be the same age. But let’s go with OP and her DH being mid 20’s so let’s assume MIL is 50/55, not a Boomer. But even if she is one don’t tar us all with the same brush.

Many years ago I mc. Mil invited my bf's mate and his gf round with their new baby as apparently I needed help getting over it and this would help. Some people have absolutely no empathy op. So sorry for the loss of your baby.. Shove mil to the back of your mind and take care of you. I would block her and leave her to dh to deal with.

Mil invited my bf's mate and his gf round with their new baby as apparently I needed help getting over it and this would help.

Dafuq???

Wensleydales · Yesterday 16:57

FIL has now called dh telling him that MIL has been feeling unwell and dh needs to talk to her as she’s anxious they won’t get a Christmas shop now that we’ve let them down I dont know whether to laugh or cry

So sorry for your loss and your MIL's horrid reaction. You haven't let them down over xmas dinner - she's let herself down, showed herself up badly. Pleased for you that your DH has your back, hope the two of you have a happy day together wrapped up in love..

You can shove your ageism where the sun doesn't shine

I am a 65 year old boomer. I'm not lacking in empathy. I also understand modern medical technology.

I did think at first, this is a classic generational thing. My own MIL was - not exactly callous - but very brisk about my first two MCs and told me 'this happens to lots of women (her included, it turned out) and most women still go on to have babies'. I was really upset at the time but I think she was sad too, but is shite at dealing with emotions.

But in your case I think MIL is being massively self-centred and unimaginative, and very insensitive. It can't take much imagination to think how it would feel. And like it or not, women have the ability and agency to find out much earlier these days than she might have done. Maybe she doesn't like this, perhaps she's of the mindset that all pregnancies have to be pronounced as such by a (preferably male) doctor. My MIL said 'I'm not going to celebrate until you've seen the doctor' (for my third and successful pregnancy) to which I responded 'well, the doctor doesn't DO that any more, she will merely tell me to go to Boots and buy a test, which I've done!'

At any rate, having a MC towards the end of your first trimester at 10 weeks is not 'finding out early' and I'm really sorry for your pregnancy loss. My second MC was at about 10 weeks (we only found out at the dating scan and I had to have an ERPC) and it is a very real and disappointing loss.

I'm in my 50s and we were able to test at 4 weeks and didn't consider a mc a missed period.

I am also a boomer, albeit a late one. When I suffered several miscarriages in my 20's and 30's, my mil could only find reasons to make it my fault for spoiling her birthday/holiday/day at the seaside. She never acknowledged any of them beyond her initial concern about her own spoiled activity. My lovely nan, OTOH, was so thoughtful and understanding. She would bring me little treats, sit and listen to me and generally look out for me. It wasn't until after she died that the family discussed had had a child who had died at a few days old. This was before ww2, so at a time when people didn't really 'do' talking about this sort of thing, but had to display a stiff upper lip attitude to things. I am now in my 60's and my miscarriages still upset me. I look at my DC's and wonder what might have been. I wouldn't change my DC's for the world, but that doesn't stop me wondering about the ones I never got to meet. One of my losses was a twin to one of my DC's, so I often wonder about them.
The nasty attitude is NOT an age thing. It's a nasty person thing and sadly, there are nasty people of all ages.
OP, I am so sorry your loss and so glad that your DH has your back. Take care. 💐

This isn't true. My grandmother was born in rural Ireland in 1913. She once told me about the two miscarriages she had in the 40s. One around 3 months and one at 4 months. She did not think about them as heavy periods.

I am guessing that I am probably from a generation before this MIL, so firmly in the boomer category. Can I just comment on this 'missed period' thing.

In the times before pregnancy testing was easily available to all, it could happen that you would miss a period and begin to think that you could be pregnant, Then at about 6 weeks or so maybe a heavy period would appear and you were never quite sure if it was a late period or a MC. However, after 8 weeks and two missed periods no-one I ever knew would have thought of it as a missed period or as something trivial or to be glossed over.

By the time you get to 10-12 months you would be starting to think that you were 'safe' and a loss at that time would be physically and emotionally traumatic. Again, no-one I knew would have been dismissive about that,

God what a cow. Don't see her on Christmas Day you don't deserve that.

I'm so sorry about your MC.

I don't think I could ever get past this, especially the doubling down via text.

Even if any kind of relationship was to still exist, I'd never forget this

Your mil is vile. Sorry for your loss op 💐

DH could send this to his father?

'Tell Mum that it's no more than a quick shop for a Sunday Dinner and I can't entertain her attention seeking over it'