Walked out of family Christmas lunch and cancelled plans for Xmas day as felt ignored

[Wensleydales]

Big family lunch today , MIL kept saying how she thought I looked ‘pale’ and ‘unwell’ going on about why I wasn’t drinking etc etc etc. just generally being irritating and critical.

In the end I told her the truth ( I hadn’t wanted to ruin a family event with bad news) that I’d had a MC a couple of weeks ago . When I said she said nothing ?? Started telling me that actually I just hadn’t been eating properly I thought maybe she hadn’t heard ?? So I explained again and she just said nothing then walked off to talk to SIL??

I burst into tears . We left and dh called her when home and she tried to ignore it again - he then asked her what the issue was with her acknowledging it? She proceeded to say women find out too early now (I had told her I was 12 weeks???) and it’s no more than a heavy period and she can’t entertain my attention seeking over that .

Im so upset that we’ve said we are not hosting them on Xmas day now

Way for MIL to make it all about HER! I hope your DH tells her she can have a frozen pizza or beans on toast but until she can act like an unselfish, UN-self-centered witch, and gain some compassion and empathy, you both will be going limited contact.

She isn't really sorry about what she said (hence the text with again turning it on you), she is sorry that she has consequences for her actions/mouth, and it has shocked her.

Tell her she’s overreacting and stresses too much

I'm so very sorry about your baby OP. I had a miscarriage just before Christmas 12 years ago. I know years ago people would not consider themselves to be pregnant until 4 months or so but thankfully we have moved on from that and our miscarried babies are treated a lot better now.

Exactly!! I’m mid 30s and my in laws are all in their 50s and my own mother is 60! They are all kind and empathetic. My grandmother is in her 80s and extremely kind and we talk about her losses often even now as they left such an impact on her. She was treated coldly by medical staff back then and it’s never left her.

OP’s MIL is just a nasty horrible woman. She really does sound manipulative and I am glad OP’s husband is rightfully supporting OP and himself. It’s vile how his own mother hasn’t been kind to either one of them and still expects to come to their home! She can enjoy her crappy Christmas at home alone where she belongs.

I remember an elderly person saying 20 years ago that they went to the GP after 2 missed periods and got a test. I think that took 2 weeks to give a result. That's about 10 weeks. I'm not convinced that 12 weeks would have been considered a late period by your mils generation. She'll be younger than the lady I mentioned.
Yout mil was extremely unkind. She sounds like someone who can't bear any sympathy to go to anyone other than herself. She's still trying to get sympathy even now.
Sorry for your loss op. Well done for not being a doormat to her nastiness.

What an absolutely vile woman. Well done for leaving and canceling their xmas visit. Also well done to your husband for completing having your back.

If "won't have helped" is referring to the mc she is particularly nasty and also very wrong.

Their groceries are their problem not yours.

What a load of bollocks, plenty of time to get a shop in. MIL just clutching at straws to further blameshift to OP enabled by her husband. Sack them both off.

Do you know if she’s ever had a miscarriage or still birth as that could have coloured her reaction?

And yes, ‘ a heavy, late period’ was a thing, when now it would be thought of and described as a miscarriage.

I also remember being upset when my aunt was dismissive of my MMC at around 11 weeks, until I realised she’d lost twins at 22 weeks and her loss was never even talked about.

Good starve

Firstly so sorry for your loss. Please take care of yourself. Grief is hard to bear and everyone is different in how they process it. Wishing you health and happiness for the future.

With regards your husband, you are really blessed that he stood up for you and called his mum out on her ridiculous behaviour. Unfortunately a lot of men hold their mums on a pedestal and won’t engage. So that is great. Let your PIL figure out their Christmas meal themselves. They need to learn the consequences for their deplorable behaviour. Take care of yourself and Merry Christmas.

@Wensleydales My condolences to you & your DH for your loss.

Well done to your DH for challenging her. She has been most unkind to you & your DH.

I wish you both a peaceful loving Christmas.

What an utter tw*t. Sorry you have to go through this OP!

I am so sorry, OP. Both for your loss and your MIL's appalling reaction.
I had a MC at 12 weeks and it was horrendous, huge blood loss, blue lights to hospital and an emergency D and C.
This was in the 80s (yes, I'm a boomer) and encountered nothing but sympathy and consideration. i'm so sorry you were not treated the same way.
Your MIL is a truly awful person and you and your DH are doing exactly the right thing in refusing to host your inlaws for Christmas.

I hope they don’t get a Christmas shop and are miserable as sin on Christmas Day.

She is a heartless cow and I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t want anything more to do with her.

I’m so sorry for your loss

Well isn’t she delightful!
I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my first pregnancy at 12 weeks and it is devastating. Good on your husband for standing up for you xx

@Wensleydales almost word for word this was my DM’s reaction to my multiple mc and also what she would have done (ignoring, changing subject, talking to someone else). She was in her 60s at the time. I think a lot of her friends thought the same - we find out too early, we make a “fuss”.

with my final successful pregnancy I didn’t tell her until I was 22 weeks. Very satisfying and it drove her crazy but I think she realised why I didn’t disclose it (even though it was obvious I was as I was so puffy all over).

really hurtful and I can see why you’ve cancelled Christmas - but from bitter experience it may be hard for you to get your mil to understand just how much she’s hurt you.

Under no circumstances do you have them round for Christmas. Don't back down. Their last minute food shop is not your concern. What a nasty, evil witch.

I know it isn’t a helpful comment, but I hope the nasty witch ends up with a Fray Bentos pie from the garage for her Christmas dinner.

I’m sorry for your loss OP.

It's what we're all thinking. 🤣🤣

I’m so sorry for your loss. This woman is a cunt. Forget just Christmas Never host her again.

Oh yes! I'm thinking it too 😂

Wow so you’ve had a miscarriage and now you’re made to feel like you’re overreacting. Great MIL… not.

Yes I do think she was trying to find out was i pregnant she just kept going on at me.

And I do believe if you'd said you were that she would have announced it on the spot in front of everyone.

To keep asking you like that at family party and then give the reaction she did has shown her to be self-centred and deeply unpleasant.

And I can't quite believe the comments she made about you and stress and she now has sent out DFIL as a Flying Monkey and has the audacity to say she's anxious!

Luckily DFIL has two days to get the shopping in and have a think about why you won't be hosting, why MIL isn't apologising and how the very likely outcome of all of this is that they'll both see a lot less of you and your DH and your future LO.