Walked out of family Christmas lunch and cancelled plans for Xmas day as felt ignored

[Wensleydales]

Big family lunch today , MIL kept saying how she thought I looked ‘pale’ and ‘unwell’ going on about why I wasn’t drinking etc etc etc. just generally being irritating and critical.

In the end I told her the truth ( I hadn’t wanted to ruin a family event with bad news) that I’d had a MC a couple of weeks ago . When I said she said nothing ?? Started telling me that actually I just hadn’t been eating properly I thought maybe she hadn’t heard ?? So I explained again and she just said nothing then walked off to talk to SIL??

I burst into tears . We left and dh called her when home and she tried to ignore it again - he then asked her what the issue was with her acknowledging it? She proceeded to say women find out too early now (I had told her I was 12 weeks???) and it’s no more than a heavy period and she can’t entertain my attention seeking over that .

Im so upset that we’ve said we are not hosting them on Xmas day now

Gosh, I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

It's not up to her how you should react to what happens to you.

Bloody well done to your husband for properly defending you.

Thinking of you... xx

What a thoughtless cow. I’m sorry for your loss, and sorry you had to put up with her shit.

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. <3

Glad your OH has your back on this one.

I hope you both manage to have a peaceful Christmas <3

I'm so sorry for your loss. And sorry for this situation.

XXXXXXX

MIL surely wasn’t adult in the 50s? That would make her 80 odd and highly unlikely to have a child under 45

Don’t relent OP. Stand your ground. She isn’t coming to yours end of. She should not have commented on your appearance. She should not have picked at you. She should have reacted with empathy like a normal person.

So now they are expecting their DS to help in sourcing last minute sprouts and stuffing?

This isn't the 1980s. Any reasonably sized supermarket will have turkey joints and most of the trimmings available until Christmas Eve. They may have to put up with the budget crackers. Them's the breaks.

Cut this woman out of your life as much as possible. When I read this, I went cold all over. So, not only did she not respond when you told her, she's now blaming you for your MC. Or that's how I read this, and it seems in her character.

My Darlin', I am so, so sorry, both for the MC, which is devastating, but for the reaction of your MIL. Sending you a big, warm, "Mama Hug" across the miles.

i dont know who the 5 percent are who said yabu they can fuck off for starters

wat an evil bitch and who cares if they dont have food not your problem-why s it always twisted round to make them the victim

sorry for your loss

Totally agree she was horrible.

But, is there any chance she had a MC many years ago and was treated terribly by the medical staff and lack of sympathy of old times, could that have left her with some trauma that was never resolved?

30/40 years ago women didn't receive mental health help, didn't talk about their 'secret' and were sent home to just try again and continue as normal.

Wow. It’s just all about her and her lack of dinner. Just wow.

OP I absolutely love that your DH has stood up for you.I hope you both have the best holiday you can while grieving your loss. Don't give an inch.

I am so sorry. My mother had miscarriages at 3 months and I know how traumatic it was.

One thing I'm wondering about, though it's very unlikely...

When I had a miscarriage, I told my mum. No commiseration - just told me about how terrible her miscarriages were.

I didn't realise at the time, but she was developing dementia. That would be the only excuse for the behaviour of the OP's MIL.

She's more concerned about eating her Christmas dinner and not being able to get her shop than you OP.

Her non-apology 'apology' says it all.

I'm so sorry about your miscarriage and your treatment from your mil.
Perhaps I'm overthinking it but could she have had an experience of miscarriage herself.I'd a miscarriage 22yrs ago and it was a really dark episode in my life, to the extent that I'd struggle to talk to anyone about it still and while I'd be very empathetic I'd certainly find it difficult to speak to anyone about their miscarriage experience. Your husband is obviously being very supportive and you should continue to use him as a buffer against his mother.

My own Mam did that to me 25 years ago. I never stopped loving her but I never confided in her again. I went to my Aunty, her sister, who I am pretty sure rubbed it in.

I am so sorry for your loss, take care OP.

Omg, such attention seeking. Of course they'll get a sodding food shop in. There's plenty in the supermarkets. Most people I know leave it until today anyway so it's as fresh as possible. How much could two people need anyway!

You've not let them down. She let herself down.

So sorry about your loss. It's not easy. No easy to have to go through it and not easy telling someone either.
I'm not sure how you have processed it but I chose to get a tattoo of the birth flower on my arm and also splashed out on a birthstone necklace to try to remember mine positively, (Rachel Jackson does a lovely amulet where you can chose a few birthstones, so I got me, dp and babies birth month) especially as it was our first after years of trying. It helped, I think it gave me some kind of closure as I had a physical thing I could keep with me. My friend also told me, the foetal dna stays in your body for years to come, so they're always with you, which I felt really comforting. Not sure that's any help to you but I hope it might offer some comfort.
So sorry about this vile woman. She should be supporting you.
Also, kudos to your partner for having your back.

I don't think you're being touchy at all.
When you've had a loss, even if you're over it, or as over it as you can be, you don't forget, so I find you feel protective over others feelings more, especially when faced with such negative behaviour from family!!

Sorry about your loss x

I’m so sorry you lost your baby. Also sorry that you were pushed into sharing something you weren’t ready to share - with someone so incredibly insensitive. Personally I think you have done the right thing. I wouldn’t care if they had to eat toast Christmas Day. They’re not going to bloody starve.

This! Well said!!

A mc is more than just the loss, I found it robbed me of enjoying the next and thus far successful pregnancy because you then worry, as you say.
We didn't get excited at the next positive test, didn't allow ourselves to enjoy the scans etc so much. Not until much later in the pregnancy. I found that beyond the loss, I lost out on a lot of firsts/moments later because of emotional caution. So it's more than just the loss. (I know everyone is different though and had different experiences later, but that's just how I found it)

And definitely agree no excuse about generation.... my mum has very much adapted to the current times, and she's mid 70s! It's not hard!

Th only empathy I can find for her is that she possibly had MCs of her own that she pushed to one side and never acknowledged or felt aloud too

Otherwise she's just being an unbelievable cow

BRAVO to your husband! He earns a VDH for this. TOO many men wimp out/make lame-assed excuses when it comes to their mothers, and they need to get a backbone. I know women do the same thing, but it seems women WILL stand up for their DHs more often than men. Perhaps because men can be more like ducks, but I still feel many need to stand up more often for THEIR family unit.

I am SO very sorry for your loss! {{HUGS}} Take time to grieve and your MILFH (mother-in-law from hell) can go take a long walk off a short pier, imho. She is a disgrace to MILs everywhere and a collection of all the nasty traits people joke about MILs possessing.

Have a peaceful holiday with the people that love you!

Her texts and trying to "explain" herself is making her look even worse. She needs a drink a cup of STFU, think about the ugly in her soul, and then apologize to you on bended knee.

Can people not act like a 60 year old is a 90 year old? Im 63, when I got pregnant in my 30’s we were all able to buy home pregnancy kits and knew quite early that we were pregnant. Furthermore miscarriage was known and understood to be sad and painful even back then. MIL is not prewar, for fuck’s sake.