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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Walked out of family Christmas lunch and cancelled plans for Xmas day as felt ignored

666 replies

Wensleydales · 22/12/2023 16:09

Big family lunch today , MIL kept saying how she thought I looked ‘pale’ and ‘unwell’ going on about why I wasn’t drinking etc etc etc. just generally being irritating and critical.

In the end I told her the truth ( I hadn’t wanted to ruin a family event with bad news) that I’d had a MC a couple of weeks ago . When I said she said nothing ?? Started telling me that actually I just hadn’t been eating properly I thought maybe she hadn’t heard ?? So I explained again and she just said nothing then walked off to talk to SIL??

I burst into tears . We left and dh called her when home and she tried to ignore it again - he then asked her what the issue was with her acknowledging it? She proceeded to say women find out too early now (I had told her I was 12 weeks???) and it’s no more than a heavy period and she can’t entertain my attention seeking over that .

Im so upset that we’ve said we are not hosting them on Xmas day now

OP posts:
momonpurpose · 22/12/2023 22:33

Sugarsun · 22/12/2023 22:26

Not sure this is a thread to be making jokes.

Show quote history

Have a great day!

disappearingfish · 22/12/2023 22:36

Omg no, you are not at all unreasonable. I'm glad your DH has got your back.

tachetastic · 22/12/2023 22:36

Pussygaloregalapagos · 22/12/2023 22:11

It is a generational thing. So many women of older generation lost so many babies and it was generally a very private event and then ignored and they then got on with life. They find it hard to sympathise with our more modern 'softer' approaches. It is an older fashioned 'stiff upper lip approach'. My MIL is so darn strong and stoic about things. When her husband was killed in a tragic accident she dealt with it so fantastically whereas I think I would have fallen apart.

If they have lived through wars they also find it hard to understand that we get so very upset about what they would consider small things. They got full on grit.

Having said all that, a simple. 'Sorry for your loss' would not have been to difficult to say and then move on.

The OP's MIL isn't a Victorian and I very much doubt she lived through a war directly unless she is an immigrant or was a very (very) small baby in WWII.

Original poster
Wensleydales · 22/12/2023 22:40

Sorry - I fell asleep earlier I’m just reading through all the replies. Very grateful for all the support Thankyou ❤️

OP posts:
HungryandIknowit · 22/12/2023 22:43

YANBU. This is so awful it's unbelievable. Stand your ground and don't have her over at Christmas.

Humbugg · 22/12/2023 22:45

Wow that’s completely awful.

tbh I read she also text you and I thought this woman is never going to be a nice person. She won’t be able to change

SecondHandFurniture · 22/12/2023 22:48

I love it when people start talking about "been through wars" in reference to in-laws. If someone now is having a miscarriage and is in their early 20s their MIL could have easily been born in 1980!

Backtomyoldname · 22/12/2023 22:49

Wensleydales · 22/12/2023 16:13

She’s text me to say that she’s sorry but that she thinks I over react and stress too much so that won’t have helped 🤦‍♀️

Sorry to read of your loss. I can’t imagine how we’d have felt if my DW had had a MC. Certainly not happy to entertain family unpleasantness.

This is not an apology.

She needs to eat mountains of humble pie to regain any meaningful relationship in the future.

Digestivechocolatebiscuit · 22/12/2023 22:50

So sorry for your loss.. but that apology wasn't really one.. because it was a double edge sword..

gnarlynarwhal · 22/12/2023 22:52

Sorry you are going through this OP. I’ve had 2 miscarriages. The first one was awful and what made it worse was the odd reactions from certain members of my own family and some of my closest friends. 10 years later and it still hurts when I remember their hurtful inappropriate comments. Your mil has behaved really appallingly. Give yourself a break from her and don’t feel like you have to see her over Christmas if you don’t want to.

Snugglemonkey · 22/12/2023 22:55

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Wow. Triggered or not, her response was fucking awful. The follow up from her and fil makes everything 10 times worse and totally unforgivable.

FloofCloud · 22/12/2023 22:56

They'll find food for Christmas, sod them you've been through enough! So sorry and I hope thinks work out soon for your TTC

uclpp · 22/12/2023 22:57

SecondHandFurniture · 22/12/2023 22:48

I love it when people start talking about "been through wars" in reference to in-laws. If someone now is having a miscarriage and is in their early 20s their MIL could have easily been born in 1980!

My mil did live though WW2, but she would never have been so nasty as the OP's mil. She would have been kind, you know, like a normal person.

easylikeasundaymorn · 22/12/2023 22:58

Wensleydales · 22/12/2023 16:57

FIL has now called dh telling him that MIL has been feeling unwell and dh needs to talk to her as she’s anxious they won’t get a Christmas shop now that we’ve let them down I dont know whether to laugh or cry

wow. she's more upset about the loss of her sprouts than the loss of her grandchild.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 22/12/2023 22:58

Sugarsun · 22/12/2023 22:26

Not sure this is a thread to be making jokes.

Show quote history

Then why did you comment @Sugarsun ?

Milkybarsareonmeeeee · 22/12/2023 22:59

@Wensleydales shops are getting deliveries in tomorrow , so loads of fresh food available . She best get an early start hadn’t she !

She is horrible and jealous she wants to be the centre of attention .

Please stay home and have a nice dh with your husband away from all this horrid women’s behaviour.

Esmerelda2024 · 22/12/2023 23:01

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

uclpp · 22/12/2023 23:02

Thing is, the mil was really being pushy and rude about the OP not drinking and how she looked. She didn't just ask once, she kept on and on. Even if she was looking to elicit a pregnancy announcement, this is really rude behaviour - even before she found out about the MC.

Raincloudsonasunnyday · 22/12/2023 23:04

Don't give in re Christmas Day.

If you stand your ground, she will always remember Christmas 2023 as the miserable time she had to rush around on 23 December finding food for 2 people, and a lonely 25 December. She will also never forget your miscarriage, or that her son chose standing by you instead of allowing her to talk to you as she did.

If you relent, she will consider you put in your place, and herself as having done nothing wrong.

It's one Christmas. Nothing bad will happen if she spends it without you.

Useruser1212 · 22/12/2023 23:06

Reading your post felt like whiplash OP. I can't believe how nasty and cruel that woman is! I've has miscarriages and literally no one has ever said anything of the sort to me. It's beyond cruel! You don't deserve that at all. I hope you are OK. Its reassuring that your husband has your back, he sounds like a good one ❤️

poppitypop1 · 22/12/2023 23:10

Wensleydales · 22/12/2023 16:57

FIL has now called dh telling him that MIL has been feeling unwell and dh needs to talk to her as she’s anxious they won’t get a Christmas shop now that we’ve let them down I dont know whether to laugh or cry

So completely devoid of empathy for you yet you're meant to have concern re them doing a Christmas shop for food?!

Honestly OP stay strong and don't give in. The shops are open tomorrow.

Sorry for your loss.

Snugglemonkey · 22/12/2023 23:11

AllAroundMyCat · 22/12/2023 21:14

Too much drama on both sides here

Take some time out and think about your next steps let your in-laws be for a while.

Op is quite entitled to react however she likes! She was very contained in fact. Mil was lucky op did not tear strips off her at the table. It would be totally understandable for op and dh to cancel Christmas Dinner without this incident, but no, they were going ahead. The in laws pushing the dinner thing shows they just do not give a monkeys about op or their own son's emotional wellbeing.

Easipeelerie · 22/12/2023 23:12

Read about narcissists and their flying monkeys. She’s using FIL as her flying monkey, getting him to call about the food. Ignore and go non contact with her.

MmedeGouge · 22/12/2023 23:15

I think it’s a generational thing.
I had a miscarriage 30 years ago at 18 weeks. I remember a group of older women at work being kind to me, but then implying that another colleague who had a miscarriage at about 11 weeks was making too much of a fuss and it was really just a late period for her.

I remember both of us being really bemused by their attitude.
We had quite a few cries together in the Ladies at work.

Your mil can’t be of that generation but she may have picked up her outdated opinions from older women of that generation when she was young.
I’m not trying to minimise her awful attitudes just giving another insight to you.
Hers, was a fairly common opinion years ago.

I still remember the pain and upset my miscarriage caused and always remember the date the baby should have been born. It’s 33 years this month.

I hope you can find a way to move forward with your mil.
Take care of yourself. I also hope you have lots of loving, understanding people around you.

stayathomer · 22/12/2023 23:24

Ah sorry op, that’s so tough. I’d like to think it just hit her hard and she made an excuse as opposed to her really thinking that. You were totally right. Take care of yourself x