Walked out of family Christmas lunch and cancelled plans for Xmas day as felt ignored

[Wensleydales]

Big family lunch today , MIL kept saying how she thought I looked ‘pale’ and ‘unwell’ going on about why I wasn’t drinking etc etc etc. just generally being irritating and critical.

In the end I told her the truth ( I hadn’t wanted to ruin a family event with bad news) that I’d had a MC a couple of weeks ago . When I said she said nothing ?? Started telling me that actually I just hadn’t been eating properly I thought maybe she hadn’t heard ?? So I explained again and she just said nothing then walked off to talk to SIL??

I burst into tears . We left and dh called her when home and she tried to ignore it again - he then asked her what the issue was with her acknowledging it? She proceeded to say women find out too early now (I had told her I was 12 weeks???) and it’s no more than a heavy period and she can’t entertain my attention seeking over that .

Im so upset that we’ve said we are not hosting them on Xmas day now

I am so sorry for your loss, @Wensleydales . And for the callous and cruel way that your MIL has treated you and tried to (wrongly) make out that you were at fault in any way.

As someone said earlier, this isn't about generational differences. My grandmother was born in the 1930s - and lost a baby at birth. When I suffered a miscarriage at 10 weeks in my 20s, she went above and beyond to look after me, to make sure that I knew I hadn't done anything wrong, that sometimes nature is just cruel, that it wasn't a case of my body being faulty or me being a shitty mother (which my ex was telling me at the time), it was just something beyond anyone's control or comprehension. Compare that to my mother, who was born in the 1950s, when I had a miscarriage two years ago (14 weeks, needed medical intervention because of the blood loss and stage of pregnancy)... and this is a woman who has endured miscarriage several times herself, mind... and I was made to feel like I ought to crawl away into a hole and just wait it out alone and without any support whatsoever (she did likewise when I suffered a partial miscarriage at 9 weeks with my son's twin 19 years ago - so not really a shock this time around). I know, though, that she has unresolved trauma herself from her own losses, which she has never had therapy for. Actually, I don't think she's ever spoken about them to anyone - I only know because my Dad explained it to me when I had the partial miscarriage and couldn't understand her attitude towards (a) another woman and (b) her own daughter... But then, like you, OP, I have a great partner who stepped up and we went LC for a while until I felt strong enough to deal with her again. She has never mentioned our loss since, To her - it's like it never happened...

Being as kind as I possibly can right now, all I can surmise is that your loss has triggered something within MIL that you and your husband don't - and probably never will - know about. The fact that your husband immediately stood up against the way that she made you feel and told her how unacceptable it is? You've got a keeper, there.

I will never understand why it's always women making other women feel like shite when it comes to pregnancy - one way or another, especially with regards to miscarriage or stillbirths/loss shortly after birth/child loss at all... we ought to support one another. I know that my own experiences have rendered me more sympathetic to those of my friends who have gone through similar, to the point where I now consider my cousin's wife (who I barely knew at the time, but who I said "here to listen if you ever need a shoulder" to) more family than the son of my Aunt whom she eventually married!

We're permitted to have different approaches?

Personally I believe in being honest and open. MIL needs to understand why OP is so upset and needs to work to repair the relationship.

Silence doesn't always say it all. MIL is clearly not emotionally mature enough to know why OP is upset or she wouldn't have reacted the way she did. So what makes you think silence will impact her at all?

Anyway, your approach is different to mine, it doesn't make it superior. OP can use or ignore any advice.

Omg you win the worst MIL prize there, sadly. Sending you a hug lovely.

Yes I remember my mother (late boomer/in her early 60s now) telling me my friends' (and some relatives') miscarriages at 6-8 weeks were just late periods, and wasn't it silly how people tested so soon these days and got upset over a loss at that stage?, in the early 00s. She thought she was being nice and helpful to suggest women shouldn't be going and getting all upset over early losses.

She didn't believe in early testing, thought it just caused obsessive behaviour and upset, and was also quite cross when she went to her GP in the mid-90s with her final pregnancy to be told they weren't going to test her if she had already done a positive pregnancy test herself!

She was pulled up on it and has since changed her tune, as many others of her generation with some actual empathy will have done.

And of course, there will have been some trailblazers/people who questioned the status quo/with some empathy in all generations past. But to suggest that the attitudes the MIL voiced weren't quite typical at a certain time, is actually quite minimising and dismissive, in much the same way those views were then.

Stick to your guns.

They'll manage getting a food shop one way or another.

Her "apology" to you is just as shitty as her initial response. 🤬😡🤬 Let them stew.

I’m sorry but I think you are over reacting.

She was concerned about you because you looked unwell.

Instead of saying that you’re feeling unwell you chose to bring up your MC during your Christmas lunch.
You then got annoyed/upset because she didn’t press you for further details or carry on the conversation.

Considering there have been multiple threads about how offensive it is to say you’re sorry etc after someone’s had a MC, then she probably felt it was better to say nothing at all.

She was wrong to say you found out too early but you/your DH did press her to comment on it and I’m not sure that whatever she said would have been the right thing to say.

I think cancelling Christmas because she didn’t give you the response you want us very OTT.

It's highly relevant in respect to MIL's comment that a miscarriage at 12 weeks is like a late period. She could not be more wrong.

I am so sorry OP for what must have been an awful experience, being in effect forced to come out about a very painful experience and then being ignored.

You are doing absolutely the right thing. She won't learn to respect both your privacy and the need to acknowledge what you say unless they have an awkward few days sitting in a very quiet house thinking about what could have been. If they are calling to say sorry now, it's because they're sorry you're not cooking their lunch. Not for what she said.

And can I say a big thank you and well done for DH standing up for you against his parents with what seems no questions asked. He only did what he should have done, but there are so many threads on here about husbands trying to avoid arguments with their mothers by expecting their wives to back down. Good for him that he basically said get out and don't come back until you can show my wife the respect she deserves.

Absolutely, I agree with you.

Hello, OP's MIL.
That's the only possible explanation I can think of for this post.

The MIL hounded the OP because she wanted to expose an "I'm pregnant" declaration. Which couldn't have been more wrong. She was asking the OP what was wrong - she suffered a MC that's what's wrong. So the OP told her what was wrong.

The MIL then minimised the experience, and even blamed the OP for her "tenancy to stress" as a direct cause of the MC.

So in other words, you're supposed to feel bad as MiL is a little unwell, while she is so extraordinarily cruel after you've gone through a miscarriage?

At least you know what sort of stuff your MiL and FiL are made of now.

Glad that your partner is strong and has your back. So sorry for your loss, @Wensleydales

Good grief

People who think it’s a heavy period obviously never had a mc at that stage. If she’s clueless she should’ve shut the hell up
Im sorry op, you must be feeling so wounded as it is and it’s a beyond expected knife twist.
I would keep her far away from you

It must be mil 😆

Clearly mil has a mumsnet account 😆

Um, no. Just no.

Wow ! Jay wow I wouldn’t even entertain speaking with her ever again . I had. Anis arty 12 to 13 weeks in July and I’m still heartbroken about it . How can anyone call it a period and attention seeking . I’m so sorry someone from your family even behaved this way

It is a generational thing. So many women of older generation lost so many babies and it was generally a very private event and then ignored and they then got on with life. They find it hard to sympathise with our more modern 'softer' approaches. It is an older fashioned 'stiff upper lip approach'. My MIL is so darn strong and stoic about things. When her husband was killed in a tragic accident she dealt with it so fantastically whereas I think I would have fallen apart.

If they have lived through wars they also find it hard to understand that we get so very upset about what they would consider small things. They got full on grit.

Having said all that, a simple. 'Sorry for your loss' would not have been to difficult to say and then move on.

Sorry, that was for sugarsun

Yes my mum was the same . Didn’t acknowledge either of my mc because I was only 10/11 weeks pregnant and therefore she classed it as a ‘heavy period’. It was hurtful and upsetting. I wouldn’t host them for Xmas but what will you do in the long term? NC or LC? It’s such a difficult situation for you and your DH.

Not sure this is a thread to be making jokes.

Standard boomer behaviour?

Fuck off

Yours
A boomer

@Pussygaloregalapagos my mother (70) who is a decade older than mil at age 60, was nothing but supportive and sympathetic, as was my mil’s mil aged 96. My mil however was a raging bitch through two losses. Age has nothing to do with it. A bitch is a bitch.

Next pregnancy please do not tell her at all. Do not let a cruel woman with such disregard for you be an influence on your dc. Or the man who is supporting her rather than telling her how seriously out of order she is.