Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Walked out of family Christmas lunch and cancelled plans for Xmas day as felt ignored

666 replies

Wensleydales · 22/12/2023 16:09

Big family lunch today , MIL kept saying how she thought I looked ‘pale’ and ‘unwell’ going on about why I wasn’t drinking etc etc etc. just generally being irritating and critical.

In the end I told her the truth ( I hadn’t wanted to ruin a family event with bad news) that I’d had a MC a couple of weeks ago . When I said she said nothing ?? Started telling me that actually I just hadn’t been eating properly I thought maybe she hadn’t heard ?? So I explained again and she just said nothing then walked off to talk to SIL??

I burst into tears . We left and dh called her when home and she tried to ignore it again - he then asked her what the issue was with her acknowledging it? She proceeded to say women find out too early now (I had told her I was 12 weeks???) and it’s no more than a heavy period and she can’t entertain my attention seeking over that .

Im so upset that we’ve said we are not hosting them on Xmas day now

OP posts:
wildwestpioneer · 22/12/2023 21:02

Wensleydales · 22/12/2023 16:57

FIL has now called dh telling him that MIL has been feeling unwell and dh needs to talk to her as she’s anxious they won’t get a Christmas shop now that we’ve let them down I dont know whether to laugh or cry

Tell her that you think she's overreacting and stressing too much, and that won't help

Twilight7777 · 22/12/2023 21:07

Oh my god and that’s your MIL? That would be the last time I saw them tbh!

Mumtobabyhavoc · 22/12/2023 21:08

SecondUsername4me · 22/12/2023 20:57

I think a lot of us are using the words blood loss to describe much more than actual blood.

For fear of being too graphic, there was a very definite foetus, albeit small, at my 12 week miscarriage. When I contacted the EPAU they advised me to bring in the products of the miscarriage for them to check and then scan me for retention of further material.

I sat in the same lobby as the happy 12 and 20 week scan couples holding a formed foetus in my fucking tupperware tub.

"Like a period" my fucking arse.

Show quote history

How awful and traumatizing! I had a friend drive me across town with the remains given to me in a specimen bottle to the only hospital lab offering pathology to determine cause of mc. I wrapped the bottle in a baby blanket and held it the whole way. I am so sorry you went through similar. 🩷

Raffington55 · 22/12/2023 21:08

Good for you. How horrible she is. I'm so sorry. Put your feet up and enjoy a quiet Christmas day if you can. And relax and enjoy a good tipple as you'll be pregnant again soon, though I know saying that
won't alleviate your heartbreak. 🙏🏻❤️

Mumtobabyhavoc · 22/12/2023 21:09

Gymnopedie · 22/12/2023 20:59

and it’s no more than a heavy period and she can’t entertain my attention seeking over that .

Well then if she's worried about Christmas dinner I suggest DH tells her it's no more than a Sunday dinner and neither of you can entertain her attention seeking over it

BEST comeback! 👏

AllAroundMyCat · 22/12/2023 21:14

Too much drama on both sides here

Take some time out and think about your next steps let your in-laws be for a while.

Diggerdriverless · 22/12/2023 21:15

Nanny0gg · 22/12/2023 18:44

Because I was born in the 50s and I do disagree with you.

Show quote history

I was born in the 50s too. Perhaps the attitude then was that miscarriages were barely acknowledged but it doesn't mean everyone of that generation behaves as rudely and unfeelingly as OP's MiL. We have suffered MCs in my family and all grieved - parents, grandparents, siblings - because the whole family has lost someone and we care about each other's pain.

tenbob · 22/12/2023 21:16

AllAroundMyCat · 22/12/2023 21:14

Too much drama on both sides here

Take some time out and think about your next steps let your in-laws be for a while.

You can get in the bin as well

OP was going about her day joining in with the lunch until MIL pressed her for an answer she clearly didn’t want to hear and was then beyond rude and insensitive to OP.

If you think that’s OP being ‘dramatic’ it speaks volumes about you, not OP

GreatGateauxsby · 22/12/2023 21:16

Wensleydales · 22/12/2023 16:57

FIL has now called dh telling him that MIL has been feeling unwell and dh needs to talk to her as she’s anxious they won’t get a Christmas shop now that we’ve let them down I dont know whether to laugh or cry

Jesus christ

that is appalling/nuts/ screams of manipulation
It’s beyond tone deaf.

they are literally showing more concern about a hot meal than their son’s wellbeing, you and your mental and physical health….

it is so far beyond normal human behaviour i wouldn’t even know where to begin with that…

uclpp · 22/12/2023 21:18

She’s outed herself as a total monster.

Then blamed it on you and then made it about her. She feels ill. She can’t get a shop.

Who gives a fuck if they can’t get Christmas shop. If they are both not able to get to a supermarket, SIL can go for them.

FIL is just as bad - lots of people who behave disgracefully have a spouse who enables it to carry on rather than tackling the behaviour.

She needs to Google what a 12 week foetus is like.

Awful woman.

MikeRafone · 22/12/2023 21:18

It’s a shame really the in-laws weren’t as keen on apologising as they now are about trying to salvage there Christmas lunch 🙄

rather than accept that MIL had acted terribly she has continually tried to lay blame with op. It was MIL attention that brought this out, not DIL

SparklingPinot · 22/12/2023 21:18

My ex boss said this to me as well. Sorry for your loss

MikeRafone · 22/12/2023 21:20

If MIZl feels I’ll it really isn’t a good idea that she visists

shit herself in the foot there

TwoShades1 · 22/12/2023 21:20

That’s terrible! So sorry for your loss. Hope you can still have a lovely Christmas and definitely don’t have MIL over! I had a very very early loss and it was indeed like a heavy period but it’s not some sort of sweeping statement that can be applied to all miscarriages.

Snugglemonkey · 22/12/2023 21:22

So sorry for your loss op. I would be cutting her off completely.

Catslovenip · 22/12/2023 21:24

Standard Boomer behaviour. I wholeheartedly believe everyone aged 30 and over should have therapy to discover those suppressed feelings we were encouraged to ignore as children . Would make us all a lot happier /less angry .

Inertia · 22/12/2023 21:24

Sorry for your loss. Breathtakingly callous of your MIL, and you are entirely justified in not wanting to see them.

Be warned- there will probably be some fabricated catastrophe on Christmas Day where they will demand your husband dance attendance on them. Glad to see he has your back .

WhichIsItWendy · 22/12/2023 21:26

Yeah, I couldn't forgive that.

I'm really sorry for your loss. Ive had a few miscarriages and they truly broke my heart. Your MIL, I presume, hasn't suffered a loss before and seems to be completely selfish.

I'd be texting her "MIL, I'm so shocked and disappointed at your reaction to me letting you know I've lost my baby. I assure you, every woman knows she's pregnant by 12 weeks, as you've missed 3 periods by then. And I assure you, miscarrying a pregnancy at 12 weeks is painful both physically and emotionally. If you were in emotional pain, I would comfort you. Your lack of understanding and empathy towards your own daughter in law and son speaks volumes. It has nothing to do with attention and everything to do with natural emotions and supporting people we love. I'm sorry you couldn't support us the way you should and for that, I can't spend Christmas with you. I hope you manage to sort out the shopping."

What a prick she is.

fulawitt · 22/12/2023 21:27

My mouth is still wide opened in shock as I read the answer of this "person". What a wack !!! Big hugs to you OP. You deserve a big hug and flowers and I am so sorry for your loss.

DumpseyDaisey · 22/12/2023 21:28

I'm sorry about your baby.

I really don't agree that age excuses such cruelty. My MIL and her 2 sisters were all in their 70s when I was losing my babies, and they couldn't have been kinder or more understanding, not least because they'd either been there themselves or were close to someone who had.

I feel very sorry for your dh who will be grieving too, and now has this schism with his parents too. It sounds like he's got more class and backbone than both his parents put together....Good for him.

I'm not sure if your family are nearby, but if moving a long way from your inlaws is possible, I'd seriously consider it.

Popcorn23 · 22/12/2023 21:30

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Your MIL sounds awful. You walking away from the lunch and changing Christmas plans is completely understandable. Good on your husband for supporting you too!

MrsAnon6 · 22/12/2023 21:32

Wensleydales · 22/12/2023 16:13

She’s text me to say that she’s sorry but that she thinks I over react and stress too much so that won’t have helped 🤦‍♀️

Has this woman not heard of empathy 🤦‍♀️?

strawberry2017 · 22/12/2023 21:32

I'm so sorry OP, sending love and strength x

Canthave2manycats · 22/12/2023 21:33

ClairDeLaLune · 22/12/2023 20:54

Just because you’re not a lone voice doesn’t mean you’re right. My mum had a MC in 1965 and was very upset about it, and my dad took her on a special holiday to help her through it. They definitely didn’t treat it as just a bad period.

OP your MiL is awful. I hope she chokes on her lonely Christmas dinner.

I’m very sorry for your loss Flowers

Show quote history

I am right. Plenty of others have related how common an attitude it was. Your mum is one person's experience. I am here to tell you that some people still trivialised and we are talking early 00s even though I was devastated too!

girlfriend44 · 22/12/2023 21:35

WhichIsItWendy · 22/12/2023 21:26

Yeah, I couldn't forgive that.

I'm really sorry for your loss. Ive had a few miscarriages and they truly broke my heart. Your MIL, I presume, hasn't suffered a loss before and seems to be completely selfish.

I'd be texting her "MIL, I'm so shocked and disappointed at your reaction to me letting you know I've lost my baby. I assure you, every woman knows she's pregnant by 12 weeks, as you've missed 3 periods by then. And I assure you, miscarrying a pregnancy at 12 weeks is painful both physically and emotionally. If you were in emotional pain, I would comfort you. Your lack of understanding and empathy towards your own daughter in law and son speaks volumes. It has nothing to do with attention and everything to do with natural emotions and supporting people we love. I'm sorry you couldn't support us the way you should and for that, I can't spend Christmas with you. I hope you manage to sort out the shopping."

What a prick she is.

Just leave it, why do people advocate texting. Don't you think they might then be tempted to text back, then you've got to think of something else. It then goes into tit for texting until someone gives up.

Best advice is to leave it for now. Silence is very powerful. Very powerful indeed. If you do talk, get together face to face not through texting.