Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Walked out of family Christmas lunch and cancelled plans for Xmas day as felt ignored

666 replies

Wensleydales · 22/12/2023 16:09

Big family lunch today , MIL kept saying how she thought I looked ‘pale’ and ‘unwell’ going on about why I wasn’t drinking etc etc etc. just generally being irritating and critical.

In the end I told her the truth ( I hadn’t wanted to ruin a family event with bad news) that I’d had a MC a couple of weeks ago . When I said she said nothing ?? Started telling me that actually I just hadn’t been eating properly I thought maybe she hadn’t heard ?? So I explained again and she just said nothing then walked off to talk to SIL??

I burst into tears . We left and dh called her when home and she tried to ignore it again - he then asked her what the issue was with her acknowledging it? She proceeded to say women find out too early now (I had told her I was 12 weeks???) and it’s no more than a heavy period and she can’t entertain my attention seeking over that .

Im so upset that we’ve said we are not hosting them on Xmas day now

OP posts:
Mumtobabyhavoc · 22/12/2023 20:34

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Are you kidding? 🤦‍♀️

Bookworm1111 · 22/12/2023 20:37

Ignore that poster @Mumtobabyhavoc, she has a history of being deliberately goady on threads. It's her 'thing'.

Balloonhearts · 22/12/2023 20:38

I think she's rather lucky you didn't slap her tbh

BoredofBlonde · 22/12/2023 20:38

Oh lordy, why would she have to sympathise with her MiL being "triggered" fgs!

Who cares? It is OP who has JUST miscarried, SHE deserves sympathy and care as SHE is the one going through it.

These stupid excuses that you cant be a decent human being because you are "triggered" just get my goat.

What next? Are we playing the MN bingo?

  1. Triggered by someone
  2. Does she have a MH issue?
  3. Is she suffering from dementia?
  4. Does she have ADHD/ ADD?
  5. Or she she just a utterly selfish cow?
kimchio · 22/12/2023 20:38

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Wtf

caringcarer · 22/12/2023 20:38

BuddyBuddyBumBum · 22/12/2023 16:11

shed never cross my threshold again for saying that. I hope your DH gave her a mouthful.

This. When I MC my MiL sent me a bouquet of flowers and a handwritten card telling me how sorry she was and how I should take my time before going back to work. I think that's the normal reaction for a parent to make tbh. Your MiL sounds toxic. She certainly doesn't deserve for you to cook her Xmas dinner.

CosmoChops · 22/12/2023 20:39

I keep thinking exactly the same thing about the age/generational issue as I read these comments. My own gran, born in the 1930s, occasionally spoke about her own miscarriage, how utterly devastated she was, and how she couldn't even bear to look at a pram for months afterwards. It clearly had an absolutely massive and lasting impact on her. This really isn't inherently a generational thing but one of simple humanity....

FFS, I'm bloody autistic and most definitely struggle to express empathy well/appropriately at times, but I can guarantee that I certainly would have done a much better and more intuitive job than your MIL.... I can't think of any excuse whatsoever for such coldness, especially given that she was apparently already concerned about you based upon your appearance.

I'm sorry for your loss and I hope you and your husband have a lovely Christmas.

MummyJ36 · 22/12/2023 20:40

Sorry you’re in this situation OP. It sounds like MIL was fishing to find out if you were pregnant and did not get the answer she was expecting / wanted and so just shut down. I totally understand your reaction and I’m glad your DH has backed you up.

CosmoChops · 22/12/2023 20:41

My post was supposed to be a reply to another person querying the "it's a generational thing" explanation.... not sure why my reply didn't work. But I would also like to add.... good for your DH.

Tillyss · 22/12/2023 20:42

What she said was wrong and hurtful and you and DH are completely right to step away and take the time you need to grieve safely.
But I don't agree with calling her evil or saying go NC or anything drastic like that.
Her reaction to what you said wasn't normal, but my immediate thought was that she's had a MC or suspected MC herself, probably in an era when talking about it was frowned upon and unacceptable. If she's spent the past 30 years suppressing it and telling herself not to get upset, it was just a big period etc, then seeing you being able to be honest and grieve might well make her speechless for a bit. It's in the middle of a positive family event, and suddenly she's thrown back to a difficult time that she's denied for years.
If that is the case and you do maintain a relationship (she is DHs DM after all even if he's rightly angry with her today), possibly eventually there'll be a private moment when she can share that with you, maybe many years down the line after future DCs etc.
To repeat, I'm in no way saying that what she said was right, including her reaction about worrying about their Christmas lunch. I'm just wondering if there's something else going on for her that is clouding her ability to show empathy today.
I'm sorry for your loss and the stress she's put you through today.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 22/12/2023 20:43

Bookworm1111 · 22/12/2023 20:37

Ignore that poster @Mumtobabyhavoc, she has a history of being deliberately goady on threads. It's her 'thing'.

Thanks, @Bookworm1111
Everyone reacts and deals with loss differently. I roil at the implication, It happened to me and I got on with it, so should you. Pretty callous to say, It's not uncommon as well. And who cares if MIL might've been triggered atm... she's now had time to collect herself and offer sympathy.
🤦‍♀️

tenbob · 22/12/2023 20:45

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Get in the bin with your idiocy

Canthave2manycats · 22/12/2023 20:46

LakieLady · 22/12/2023 18:39

I'm 68, but not too old to realise that times have changed and we are more enlightened about how devastating MC is for many women. Consequently, I didn't respond in the way that I might have done 40-odd years ago.

Show quote history

I always realised that too but it came into sharp relief for me when I had two because I had never realised the taboo!

caringcarer · 22/12/2023 20:47

Wensleydales · 22/12/2023 16:57

FIL has now called dh telling him that MIL has been feeling unwell and dh needs to talk to her as she’s anxious they won’t get a Christmas shop now that we’ve let them down I dont know whether to laugh or cry

Tell them if they are concerned they can get up early and go to the shops. Don't let her guilt trip you after what she said.

Crikeyalmighty · 22/12/2023 20:47

What an absolute bitch.

jolies1 · 22/12/2023 20:48

Tillyss · 22/12/2023 20:42

What she said was wrong and hurtful and you and DH are completely right to step away and take the time you need to grieve safely.
But I don't agree with calling her evil or saying go NC or anything drastic like that.
Her reaction to what you said wasn't normal, but my immediate thought was that she's had a MC or suspected MC herself, probably in an era when talking about it was frowned upon and unacceptable. If she's spent the past 30 years suppressing it and telling herself not to get upset, it was just a big period etc, then seeing you being able to be honest and grieve might well make her speechless for a bit. It's in the middle of a positive family event, and suddenly she's thrown back to a difficult time that she's denied for years.
If that is the case and you do maintain a relationship (she is DHs DM after all even if he's rightly angry with her today), possibly eventually there'll be a private moment when she can share that with you, maybe many years down the line after future DCs etc.
To repeat, I'm in no way saying that what she said was right, including her reaction about worrying about their Christmas lunch. I'm just wondering if there's something else going on for her that is clouding her ability to show empathy today.
I'm sorry for your loss and the stress she's put you through today.

I don’t think this excuses her though… even if she feels differently she should still be able to empathise with her DIL and son who clearly are devastated by the MC (she herself commented DIL looked visibly unwell) and either bite her tongue or express her sympathy for their loss.

Canthave2manycats · 22/12/2023 20:51

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

All the more reason for empathy if she had!

Edinburghguy · 22/12/2023 20:52

Get her to F right out the door. No way you should be spending Christmas with her, never mind hosting her.

What a heartless B.

Mostlyoblivious · 22/12/2023 20:53

I am so sorry for your loss and I am so sorry that she is in your life.

She is a terrible person.

Cancel Christmas with no hesitation and then low contact with the heartless woman.

Wishing you a gentle Christmas

Garlicnaan · 22/12/2023 20:54

Shudacudawuda · 22/12/2023 16:28

Jeez-o, how awful of her.
Someone said something similar to me after my first miscarriage too, which was at 12 weeks, and it's such NONSENSE!
The blood loss is far far worse than a period, there's no way you wouldn't know it was a miscarriage. I needed a blood transfusion it was so bad FGS.

Talk about minimising your experience OP, she's incredibly insensitive and YANBU. I hope you feel better soon. X

I'm sorry your blood loss was so bad, but isn't that somewhat irrelevant?

It can still be incredibly traumatic to have a miscarriage, regardless of blood loss.

ClairDeLaLune · 22/12/2023 20:54

Canthave2manycats · 22/12/2023 19:24

We will have to agree to disagree then.

I haven't been a lone voice on this thread by any means.

Show quote history

Just because you’re not a lone voice doesn’t mean you’re right. My mum had a MC in 1965 and was very upset about it, and my dad took her on a special holiday to help her through it. They definitely didn’t treat it as just a bad period.

OP your MiL is awful. I hope she chokes on her lonely Christmas dinner.

I’m very sorry for your loss Flowers

värskekapsas · 22/12/2023 20:55

wow this is really horrible of her!
I am so sorry for your loss

SecondUsername4me · 22/12/2023 20:57

Garlicnaan · 22/12/2023 20:54

I'm sorry your blood loss was so bad, but isn't that somewhat irrelevant?

It can still be incredibly traumatic to have a miscarriage, regardless of blood loss.

Show quote history

I think a lot of us are using the words blood loss to describe much more than actual blood.

For fear of being too graphic, there was a very definite foetus, albeit small, at my 12 week miscarriage. When I contacted the EPAU they advised me to bring in the products of the miscarriage for them to check and then scan me for retention of further material.

I sat in the same lobby as the happy 12 and 20 week scan couples holding a formed foetus in my fucking tupperware tub.

"Like a period" my fucking arse.

Superduper02 · 22/12/2023 20:58

Oh my gosh my jaw dropped and then to see her response saying she thinks you overreact. What could cause someone to be so callous. And to their DIL?! So sorry for loss. Sounds like a blessing in disguise. She is the last person you need to be spending the day with right now. Hope you will conceive again soon.

Gymnopedie · 22/12/2023 20:59

and it’s no more than a heavy period and she can’t entertain my attention seeking over that .

Well then if she's worried about Christmas dinner I suggest DH tells her it's no more than a Sunday dinner and neither of you can entertain her attention seeking over it