Walked out of family Christmas lunch and cancelled plans for Xmas day as felt ignored

[Wensleydales]

Big family lunch today , MIL kept saying how she thought I looked ‘pale’ and ‘unwell’ going on about why I wasn’t drinking etc etc etc. just generally being irritating and critical.

In the end I told her the truth ( I hadn’t wanted to ruin a family event with bad news) that I’d had a MC a couple of weeks ago . When I said she said nothing ?? Started telling me that actually I just hadn’t been eating properly I thought maybe she hadn’t heard ?? So I explained again and she just said nothing then walked off to talk to SIL??

I burst into tears . We left and dh called her when home and she tried to ignore it again - he then asked her what the issue was with her acknowledging it? She proceeded to say women find out too early now (I had told her I was 12 weeks???) and it’s no more than a heavy period and she can’t entertain my attention seeking over that .

Im so upset that we’ve said we are not hosting them on Xmas day now

Tell them you hope they choke on their beans in toast.

How absolutely shocking. Thank goodness your dh is supportive.

I mc at 12 weeks in between my dcs. It's a terrible time. Your hormones will most likely be all over the place 💐

I'm so sorry for your loss, @Wensleydales .

Never mind just missing Christmas, I'd never speak to her again. She'd better take her histrionics off to the supermarket and get a shop in.

I’m so sorry that you had to go through this loss to be met with such a vile reaction from your MIL

You are perfectly within rights to never want to breathe the same airspace as that hideous woman again … do not allow them to guilt trip you .. it serves them right if they have no Christmas dinner … you need compassion and understanding right now , not to have to run around after a woman with no heart

I’m sorry for your loss xx

Firstly, just wanted to say I am sorry for your loss

I personally think you shouldn't host them. I definitely would after how she has been towards you. Very heartless.

Lots of love and hugs ❤️

I'm so sorry for your loss. I don't blame you for not wanting to cook her Christmas dinner! Absolutely inexcusable.

I’m so sorry @Wensleydales , I’ve been in the exact same situation as you, with my mil reacting and saying the exact same thing as yours.

You and I both know that a miscarriage at 12 weeks is brutal, contractions, blood loss and possible material retention (happened to me 2 months later).

Well IVF and a rough pregnancy and birth later it turns she can and did get worse. I no longer spend time with her unless my partner is there, she is only allowed to visit every six weeks, she is not allowed to see my baby unless I am present and she will play little to no role in my baby’s life.

Don’t relent and just go no/low contact unless she apologised unreservedly and changes her behaviour drastically.

I wish I had, she ruined my pregnancy and post partum experience. Trying to appease someone and have a normal relationship with someone that unfeeling and unreasonable is never going to happen

I'm so sorry for your loss OP, this is the very last thing you needed after what you've been through. You've made the right decision. I'm pleased your husband completely understands and is taking steps to protect you both from this awful woman.

I would honestly be going no contact.

I don't know what MiL means about 'finding out too early these days'. When I had DS1 (1983), pregnancy tests were done after your 2nd missed period, so at about 8-10 weeks along. A miscarriage at 12 weeks wouldn't have been mistaken for 'a heavy period' because chances are the mother would have known, or at least suspected, she was pregnant as she would have missed 2 periods.

I'm not excusing her behaviour in the least, but is it possible that she had an early miscarriage 'way back when'? Most of the time a woman back then would be told 'So sorry, but it's Nature's way' or words to that effect. We were just expected to get on with things and try again. Nowadays luckily people are allowed to grieve these things much more than we were allowed to.

Boo bloody hoo

serves them right - DH should have no further contact with them for now. As if all they can think about is their lunch.

I would never speak to her again.

That was meant to be in reply to the phone call re shopping

So sorry for your loss, no matter how far on you were it was a loss and you are allowed to feel low/sad/not physically great. She doesn't sound very understanding, who knows maybe she grew up in a time where she was told to just get on with things instead of acknowledging pain and upset - that doesn't excuse her though. I also feel like her apology was her just telling you (again) why you are the one with the issue, and not her, so it wasn't really an apology.
I do hope you can move past it long term but also understand you not wanting her around just now.
Take care and be kind to yourself.

Thats sounds awful for you to have experienced that! Sorry for your loss, OP. Please take care of yourself.

I also want to add that while her behaviour is shocking, I am pretty sure it stems from her own experiences, that she or someone close to her experienced a miscarriage or something related and either for forced to keep to herself by the circumstances or was belittled because of it.
Does she have a form for such behaviour?

im so sorry for your loss OP

your mother in law sounds terrible. It doesn’t matter when a woman finds out, it’s still a terrible thing to go through and absolutely devastating. She is vile and I’m so glad your husband is on your side and has said she’s not welcome there. And it’s their own fault if they can’t get a Christmas shop now. That’s karma for them.

I hope that despite everything you have a good Christmas and that 2024 is full of wonderful things for you and your family 💕

So sorry for your loss OP. MIL sounds like a nasty piece of work. What an unimaginable thing to say in response to finding out about a miscarriage. I could never forgive her. Sending love x

Unforgivable. I’d have nothing more to do with her unless she gives a sincere apology. I hope your DH is backing you up.

🌺

I'm so sorry for your loss 💐💐 as for your in laws ... quite frankly fuck them and their Christmas Dinner.

Flying monkey! More concerned with their groceries than the offence caused.

We will have to agree to disagree then.

I haven't been a lone voice on this thread by any means.

My mum did the same with me. She still wonders why I don't talk to her 30 years later.

I’m sorry for your loss. Is anyone else coming to Christmas? If not why don’t you see if you can go away for a night or two instead and treat yourselves (and not be home in case MIL comes for the groveling apology).

Flying monkey! More concerned with their groceries than the offence caused

She absolutely is sending out Flying Monkeys. It's a term that I wasn't familiar with until I came across it on MN. It's a tactic my "D"M likes to use, although not so much on me as I usually laugh and tell them exactly what's been going on

I experienced similar 20 years ago. The refusal to acknowledge the hurt caused made the original comment far worse.

The most important thing now is that you and your husband stick together. Look after yourselves.