Walked out of family Christmas lunch and cancelled plans for Xmas day as felt ignored

[Wensleydales]

Big family lunch today , MIL kept saying how she thought I looked ‘pale’ and ‘unwell’ going on about why I wasn’t drinking etc etc etc. just generally being irritating and critical.

In the end I told her the truth ( I hadn’t wanted to ruin a family event with bad news) that I’d had a MC a couple of weeks ago . When I said she said nothing ?? Started telling me that actually I just hadn’t been eating properly I thought maybe she hadn’t heard ?? So I explained again and she just said nothing then walked off to talk to SIL??

I burst into tears . We left and dh called her when home and she tried to ignore it again - he then asked her what the issue was with her acknowledging it? She proceeded to say women find out too early now (I had told her I was 12 weeks???) and it’s no more than a heavy period and she can’t entertain my attention seeking over that .

Im so upset that we’ve said we are not hosting them on Xmas day now

So sorry to hear that @Wensleydales . People of every sex and age can be very dismissive about it and say awful stuff.

I hope your DH has been supportive after your loss.

Oh my darling you are so not overreacting or being unreasonable.
Firstly, I'm sorry for your loss. You already know this but, just in case this creature's words have given you any cause for doubt, you are in absolutely no way shape nor form responsible for the loss of your child. Miscarriages are heartbreakingly common for any number of reasons, some known and some not. Your DH sounds amazing and I hope that you can try and find some enjoyment in what will I'm sure be a very difficult Christmas.
As to hosting, you host each other. The creature can find someone less prone to "anxiety" to spread her vitriol with. As to her being concerned about not getting a shop this close to Christmas I suggest they get themselves a taxi ordered to the nearest supermarket and crack on.

I think the reason she kept on about you not drinking and looking pale was that she wanted you to say that you were PG so that she could announce it in front of everyone at the party.

I would say that is probably it.

But to not have been shocked & upset at what she was told & to blame Op instead.

She is trying to make excuses but made it a whole lot worse instead.

"Hasn't been well"! FFS!

The generational thing may be true for some but unlikely for OP - realistically MIL would have most likely been having her babies in the 80’s / 90’s where early testing was a lot more common and it was much more acceptable to talk about loss. My dad is almost 70 and been interested, caring and sympathetic about all pregnancies in the family, whether the outcome has been happy or not. My grandma (93) would also have been sympathetic but more inclined to keep things quiet outside of the immediate family. Age is no excuse for MIL being deliberately cruel to OP, and her own son who has also lost his baby.

OP, I hope you manage to have a nice cosy Christmas with your DH, take all the time you need. MIL & FIL will have to cope without you.

This. It's a perfectly good reason for you to cut her out of your life for good. Nasty old cow. So sorry for your loss op

I'm 68, but not too old to realise that times have changed and we are more enlightened about how devastating MC is for many women. Consequently, I didn't respond in the way that I might have done 40-odd years ago.

Wow what a heartless horrible women. I would go nc with them. Who cares if she hasn’t got any Xmas food!

Hey hey it's the (flying) monkeys!

Ignore them. It's their own damn fault if they have a rotten Christmas. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes 🤷🏻‍♀️

She’s was heavily hinting that you were pregnant (not drinking etc) then didn’t get the answer she was fishing for and is now trying to push it back on you that you’re overreacting. She’s a nasty piece of work and I’d never speak to her again.

I’m really sorry for your loss.

Because I was born in the 50s and I do disagree with you.

Yes I do think she was trying to find out was i pregnant she just kept going on at me

What a cow. Plus she must have unresolved trauma herself.

I’m so sorry to hear this OP.

What did your DH respond to FIL?

They've 2 full days to get stuff in for a roast dinner. Ignore FiL.

Or she might just be an arsehole. It is possible, but stop making excuses.

That's a non-apology - blaming you for your "over-reaction" rather than accepting that she was unsympathetic and dismissive and apologising for her own nasty attitude.

You did the right thing.,leaving

I’m so sorry, OP. I hope you can have a quiet and restful Christmas- well away from your in-laws. I can’t imagine how I would have felt if mine had behaved like this after my mcs.

Leave your DH to deal with them. He needs to speak very firmly to FIL. supermarkets are well stocked here. FIL needs to get moving tomorrow and get the shopping done.

And MIL needs to stop the comments about stress - in effect, blaming you.

I’m so sorry that you miscarried. 12 weeks along is so sad.

What your MIL said is unforgivable imo. It’s one thing to not know what to say but to give a half apology and then say you’re being dramatic or whatever is unforgivable. I’d never speak to her again personally. Whatever she says in the future, you know how she truly feels.
And I certainly wouldn’t be hosting them on Christmas Day or any other day.

@Wensleydales im very sorry for your loss. I've read / scanned the whole thread and it's rare to see unanimous agreement on a mumsnet aibu thread.

So I hope you can take some comfort in knowing that you are definitely not being unreasonable, your level of upset is completely justified and understood by very many people, and that your decision not to entertain your MIL for Christmas is absolutely 100% the right decision.

Wishing you and your other half a peaceful, healing Christmas. 💐

My jaw dropped when I read this - but then to try blame it on you being stressed? What an utter cow.

Hold firm and don't entertain her attention seeking behaviour. I hope you're OK op, sorry about the loss.

Oh love, I’m so sorry. What a bitch, sending you lots of good wishes for a happy Christmas with your and your DH, I hope being cut off gives her time to reflect.

It’s not ok to be nice when things are going your way and be horrible when their not, kids do that but the rest of us have to behave.

So sorry for your loss and that your MIL was unkind.

Well done, for you DH enforcing boundaries, stick to them. None of this is your fault. Take time to heal.