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Original poster

Walked out of family Christmas lunch and cancelled plans for Xmas day as felt ignored

666 replies

Wensleydales · 22/12/2023 16:09

Big family lunch today , MIL kept saying how she thought I looked ‘pale’ and ‘unwell’ going on about why I wasn’t drinking etc etc etc. just generally being irritating and critical.

In the end I told her the truth ( I hadn’t wanted to ruin a family event with bad news) that I’d had a MC a couple of weeks ago . When I said she said nothing ?? Started telling me that actually I just hadn’t been eating properly I thought maybe she hadn’t heard ?? So I explained again and she just said nothing then walked off to talk to SIL??

I burst into tears . We left and dh called her when home and she tried to ignore it again - he then asked her what the issue was with her acknowledging it? She proceeded to say women find out too early now (I had told her I was 12 weeks???) and it’s no more than a heavy period and she can’t entertain my attention seeking over that .

Im so upset that we’ve said we are not hosting them on Xmas day now

OP posts:
happychristmas2023 · 22/12/2023 18:16

She sounds awful and I hope you never have to encounter her ever again. If you met a stranger in the street and they said something so cruel, you'd do your best to avoid them forever, if you saw them again somewhere, so don't let her guilt trip her way back in.

She's absolutely disgusting and I felt flutters in my first trimester, so to say it's just a heavy period is disgraceful. I've had a five week miscarriage and it certainly wasn't just a heavy period. A period is actually just the lining of the womb shedding after building up for a few weeks, a miscarriage is the loss of a baby and so much more with it. I'm sure you know this, but I hope you can find the strength to move past her awful comments, and I'm so sorry for your loss and hope you feel your strength returning soon.

Heyhoherewegoagain · 22/12/2023 18:18

I’m so sorry for your loss and hope that at least physically you start to feel better very soon.

Im also sorry you have such a bitch for a mil, and equally stupid git for a fil!

So glad your dh has your back tho (as he should!)

MaggieFS · 22/12/2023 18:18

What a cow.

Well is a problem of her own making so she'll have to manage the food situation.

And "sorry but" isn't a proper sorry.

Catsknowbest · 22/12/2023 18:18

How insensitive I'm very sorry. Wouldn't want her anywhere near me

kimchio · 22/12/2023 18:19

pickledandpuzzled · 22/12/2023 17:54

You absolutely get to feel how you feel, and I’m sorry she was so pigging insensitive- not the first response or rather lack of response, but the behaviour since.
I’m only 55 and was the first person I knew to get pregnant. My ideas were formed from older people. I didn’t consider myself pregnant until quite late because that was the attitude. You were ‘late’ and you ‘might be pregnant’. It wasn’t until you went to the GP (which took a while) that you knew for sure.

I was quite disappointed when the GP said she didn’t need to test as I’d done a home test. I really felt the need to be told I definitely was!

She was really insensitive.

I do think the early testing is a double edged sword. Many more women go through the loss now, than did in the days we only lost the ‘possibly pregnant’- the hope of pregnancy.

Early testing helps stop people drinking during pregnancy

DoubleTime · 22/12/2023 18:20

omg, I am so sorry. What a thoughtless and insensitive woman.

Big hugs from me.

Paperbagsaremine · 22/12/2023 18:21

Jesus, would it kill them to just say,

"I shouldn't have been pestering you about your appearance, I wasn't thinking, I'm really sorry about the miscarriage and I apologise for my initially poor reaction."

See, I've just done it. Easy.

What is it with grown adults who can't bloody just say sorry?! Clearly one more thing for the National Curriculum!

hazeleyednerd · 22/12/2023 18:21

I hope he tells his parents he's sorry but he thinks they're over reacting and stressing too much and then refuses to answer any more calls.

Way to go for your DH standing up for, and taking care of you. So very sorry for your loss.

NotaCoolMum · 22/12/2023 18:23

So sorry for your loss. Your MIL is a nasty cow.

DoubleTime · 22/12/2023 18:23

She just couldn't say she was wrong OP, but oh my, at such cost to you.

Showmethesunny · 22/12/2023 18:24

She sounds a right cunt. I’m sorry op

StaunchMomma · 22/12/2023 18:24

12 weeks is a considerable amount of time, OP. For her to say that's 'a period' is utterly cruel.

I'm so sorry you've been through that, especially close to Xmas when emotions are so heightened.

I'm so glad you've refused to host them. Well done for standing up for yourself.x.

Americano75 · 22/12/2023 18:24

Good grief, she sounds horrendous. I'm so glad your husband has your back and is looking after you.

JANEY205 · 22/12/2023 18:25

I hope DH tells MIL she is stressing herself out and over reacting about the food shop. She’s having a bigger upset over her fucking shopping than you did over actually losing a wanted baby. She is such a bitch! Agree that she is using FIL as her flying monkey and I wouldn’t engage. There’s tons of food they can eat in the shops or go out for a meal. Maybe she’s seeing a consequence for being such a vile horrible person. Tough shit for her.

Have a wonderful Christmas with DH on Monday OP and I hope you’re getting lots of real life support. Big hug to you! I agree with everything your have said and done so far and DH sounds lovely, you do not need to feel bad MIl is not invited to your home after how cruel she has been.

LakieLady · 22/12/2023 18:26

Wensleydales · 22/12/2023 16:57

FIL has now called dh telling him that MIL has been feeling unwell and dh needs to talk to her as she’s anxious they won’t get a Christmas shop now that we’ve let them down I dont know whether to laugh or cry

FIL had better get up early and get himself to a sodding supermarket then, doesn't he?

And neithero of you have "let them down", his DM has behaved appallingly and is now trying to elicit sympathy to get herself off the hook, and making it somehow your fault. I don't often say this, but she sounds like an utter narcissist.

Cherrysoup · 22/12/2023 18:26

Worried she won’t get a Christmas shop?! Suck it up, bitch, you were appalling to your dil.

I’m appalled at her dismissal of your mc and gentle hugs, OP. I’m delighted your Dh has been supportive.

DreamTheMoors · 22/12/2023 18:26

Wensleydales · 22/12/2023 16:57

FIL has now called dh telling him that MIL has been feeling unwell and dh needs to talk to her as she’s anxious they won’t get a Christmas shop now that we’ve let them down I dont know whether to laugh or cry

How terribly unsurprising.

It’s the “poor me syndrome,” the result of f*cking around and finding out.

There are people in this world, @Wensleydales who for some unknown reason, have no empathy, but require an awful lot of sympathy when they’ve been caught out being hurtful to others.

Fall for it at your own risk.

I’m so very sorry for your loss. May your days this holiday season be a time of healing.

LivingDeadGirlUK · 22/12/2023 18:29

Glad your husband has your back OP.

JANEY205 · 22/12/2023 18:29

Can people also stop being thoughtless and insensitive and posting about ‘finding out early.’ 12 weeks is not early! OP did not find out early for goodness sake, 12 weeks is considered the safety zone. Even if she HAD found out right at her missed period that does not give anyone the right to talk about oh finding out early wasn’t done in my day….right and women back then carried on drinking, taking medication and not taking prenatals as they didn’t know! Either way- 12 weeks isn’t early and it’s really cruel to keep bringing up that rhetoric on this thread.

Figgygal · 22/12/2023 18:29

Wow she's a right arsehole your dh should be telling her to fuck right off

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 22/12/2023 18:29

I've been thinking about you and your rather vile MIL.

I think the reason she kept on about you not drinking and looking pale was that she wanted you to say that you were PG so that she could announce it in front of everyone at the party.

Now she's reacted badly abs your DH has rightly told her so, she's still trying to make this all about her.

Do not give in.

And at least when you do have a baby, you'll know exactly what she's like and can keep her at arm's length.

DoubleTime · 22/12/2023 18:31

What did your DH say when FIL called to put unfair pressure on you both to still host Christmas?
Shops are still open tomorrow and Sunday, they can manage. Stick to your guns OP. Don't let her spoil your Christmas too, if she hasn't already with her insensitive remarks.

StaunchMomma · 22/12/2023 18:31

Wensleydales · 22/12/2023 16:57

FIL has now called dh telling him that MIL has been feeling unwell and dh needs to talk to her as she’s anxious they won’t get a Christmas shop now that we’ve let them down I dont know whether to laugh or cry

Her son has just told her you've lost a baby, that they are no longer welcome in your home and she's worried about SHOPPING?!!!

Christ, she's a charmer, isn't she!

Your DH must be so upset, as well as you. It's a truly awful way for his parents to behave.

godmum56 · 22/12/2023 18:33

elizzza · 22/12/2023 16:36

I’m so sorry OP. I’ve encountered that view in her generation (although never said to me at such an incredibly awful time!) and I try to look at it as sad for them. I refuse to believe women didn’t mourn miscarriages in the past and didn’t feel heartbroken if struggling to have children, so they must just have done it privately and never been permitted any support or even discussed it with their husbands or their mums. But you deserve that support. Hope you manage to have a lovely quiet Christmas and the new year looks brighter for you.

This is not said to excuse her one iota but when I read it, I did wonder if it had its roots in what elizzza said and also whether it was treatment she had received from her mother or mother in law. You are absolutely entitled to be hurt and angry and to not see her for as long as you feel inclined, but it still may be something to keep at the very back of your mind.

herbygarden · 22/12/2023 18:35

Wow, your mother in law is an ultimate bitch. Fuck her I say!

So sorry for your loss OP.

Glad your husband sounds supportive Xxx

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