Do I have to do Christmas again nearly 70

[justasking111]

I'm just so tired, in pain from scoliosis and an arthritic hip. We're doing Christmas again so husband can womble off for a 💩 in his own home. He's obsessed with having a dump in his own home post a uber large lunch. My offspring think it's wonderful they don't have to cook. I'm so tired, in pain and so much still to do. I'd love to jet away to be honest. Should I just suck it up.

Haven’t RTFT. It’s clear that talking to them and dropping hints isn’t working so your only option is saying that you’re in too much pain to do anything and going to bed. You can send out a group text saying that you’re physically unable to keep going and have to stop.
V. sorry etc. but others will have to take over, you’ve got X, Y, Z in the fridge. As Christmas is on Monday, they’ve got the whole weekend to get organized.

Honestly though, it annoys me when middle-aged ppl like me expect their parents to do things for them. We should be doing things for you now, we’re perfectly capable.

You have a selfish family. It makes me so angry to read.

Even if everyone helps, hosting is a stress of its own.

Ultimately your husband and kids don’t care about your wellbeing.

This year they need to see the pain and exhaustion you are feeling. And this is the last year OP. Ok? Your Christmas cannot be dictated by your husband’s bowels and your kids’ nostalgia. At some point you have to say no.

The men in your family are shit.

By the way, only do minimal cleaning to the house as there will be so many people there they probably won’t notice anyway, family usually don’t mind a bit of a mess ….your house probably isn’t even untidy!

OK ran foul of some MN rule there.

Why does the catering have to fall onto a woman?

It's more the obligation of an actual child of the hosting family to step up. In this case, there are only men.

In no way would I be stepping up if I were the DIL just because OP cannot even confront her own husband or children. Talk about pushing the responsibility elsewhere!

I agree, @SimilarThread .My Mum suffered from a chronic condition in her 60’s and there’s NO way I’d have let her do this. We did go to them most years as it was easier for her not to travel, but everyone pitched in and made it as easy as possible. It makes me angry when adult children treat their parents like this. As for her DH and his bowels….words fail me. 😡

"We all live within five minutes walking distance
I did suggest that he could walk home 💩 in peace and come back. He flipped, expecting me to return with him."

I think @justasking111 that you know if you stand up to your husband, he ignores you or flips. It's then another exhausting thing to deal with. Venting on here may help, or may leave you feeling irritated if you don't feel 'heard' and understood. I'm guessing your family at large don't consider your needs either.

I actually think you need counselling, so that you can be more assertive with regards to your husband. I feel something needs to change for you to be happier, but it'll take support for you to be able to do this.

Sorry if I missed this but have you ever spoken to your children about hosting? Maybe they would love to but feel like it is your thing that you love doing? I tried to host a couple of times in my late 20s and was really excited to but I got the feeling from my mum that she felt shoved out the way and redundant, so I kind of gave up and let her host Christmas. This year (I'm now 50) she said very casually, so are you doing the turkey or am I? And I said very casually, well of course I could do the turkey at mine. It sounds like you go all out at Christmas with everything homemade so your DC may feel that they can't match it and might be offering a second best version of Christmas. Probably needs an honest chat to resolve. In the meantime, explain your health issues and get them all to pitch in this year.

Do your sons ever go to their in-laws for Christmas?

I have told one DIL who doesn't work that she's doing Xmas next year. She's got the room

You lost all my sympathy (which was considerable) when you posted this.

Give your husband an Immodium in future - it won't kill him to miss a bowel movement one day a year.

It's true though.

Stop being a martyr, stand up for yourself and do what YOU want instead of allowing your husband's shitting schedule affect your Christmas. That's his problem to deal with. It's unbelievable to me just how many years that you have put up with this bullshit. Just don't.

I felt sorry from your OP but then I read all your posts... why on earth have you TOLD a DIL who 'doesn't work' that SHE should be hosting? What about your precious sons?

Honestly whatever your husband says I don't see why you a) have to run around cleaning with no help or b) can't ask them to bring a dish. No matter whether your children are sons or daughters. Not making your aged parents run around is common sense.

You are 70, the same age as FIL/MIL. DH wouldn't dream of imposing on his parents, neither would I. We always ask how we can help and bring things. If you can't 'talk to your sons' this is your parenting fault I'm afraid not your DIL. Your snide comments about them not being raised to 'welcome others' are very telling. Why do you heap blame on them and not your sons. Your SONs can do the bulk of the work. They're just lazy and don't want to.

It's very easy to say "op don't do it, op say this, op say that" but as someone whose father sounds very similar to ops dh, it's really not as simple as that. In fact I thought this could be my mum complaining except it's our turn to host this year. My dad would do the same over the years "oh come over we have the room" does he cook, clean shop etc ect? Does he fuck. We started hosting a few years back pre covid. My mum did enough Christmasses. Including those she would work on, and still come home and finish the dinner off. I love my dad, but he is selfish, pretty useless around the house and set in his ways. He also cannot poo in my house so would do the same and yes, my mum would have to go with him or he would kick off. It was only during the menopause where she found her voice to stand up to him.
He has never hit her, but me? Plenty of times where my mum would have to get in between us. He has a short temper, sees the world in black and white and you never ever argue back. Except I did which was why we had a strained relationship until I moved out at 18. He was the only man in a house of women, yet his word was law. It was how he was bought up. His dad was the same. How do you think a man will turn out when he is bought up in a home where his father would come home and my granny would race to take off his shoes and put his slippers on? My mums never ever done anything like that, that but when you get the silent treatment or whatever for days because she said something he didnt like, it grinds a person down. His house, his rules. I like turning that on him now when he is in my home. I can get my own back when he complains about something. Don't like it? Leave.
I feel for you OP I truly do because I see what you are going through. However, unlike your sons, I have not adopted my fathers behaviour, but gone against it.
After years of being treated like a skivvy, it's near on impossible to find that courage to stand up to him and lets face it, he's not going to change!
I have no advice I am afraid, I just want you to know at least someone understands your situation. Homes like this do exist and women are trapped. It's not hilarious, or martyring. It's abuse.

Not according to your OP and title.

We go to my PIL'S on Christmas Day every year, MIL is in her 90’s and has Alzheimer’s, FIL in his 80's is her carer. We provide all the food and do all the prepping, cooking & clearing up.
On Boxing Day we go to my parents. My Mum is in her 70's and a feeder. She would always do a second Xmas roast when we visited. Now she is waiting for a double hip replacement and can’t stand for long periods. She still insists on feeding us so we have shop bought buffet bits and she'll make a gingerbread house as she still likes to bake.

Be honest with your family, tell them it’s too much and they need to step up. Especially your husband who sounds like a selfish misogynistic oaf. Sounds like your DC are following in their DF’s footsteps as well, they are happy to take your DH's words over yours and not take your wellbeing into consideration. They know you are too unwell to babysit etc, yet it suits them so they ignore you and agree with your DH.
If they all continue as they are, book yourself into a hotel and sod the lot of them.

Also her post at 14:07 about his wives not being raised in homes where 'everyone was welcome'.
I like the wives. They have boundaries and refuse to martyr themselves.
FYI OP you don't get any awards for 'welcoming everyone' at great cost to yourself y'know. Or making the 'perfect' Christmas.

I've ended up with double the amount of guests this year. But I've told people what to bring. Strangely, despite not running around cleaning most of the time nobody has been put off, people still like visiting my home. The world hasn't ended. Everyone has plenty to eat and drink and they're all happy.

If people don't' like my standards they're welcome to stay home. Not just for Christmas but any other occasion. It hasn't happened yet...

Next time husband wombles off for a shit I'd be saying here's a cloth and some spray and some bin bags and don't come out till it's free of germs.

@justasking111 What would happen if you did stand up to him, for example refuse to go home with him when he wants a 💩?

My 85YO MIL is adamant that she loves hosting Christmas!

She's hosting 10 on Christmas Day. She's done it almost every year since she got married in 1959, although not always for so many people. Her late husband refused to go anywhere else for Christmas Day (nothing toilet related, he was just a miserable, controlling, abusive cunt).

I can only think of 3 years out of the last 13 when she didn't host, and one of those was because she was in ITU with pneumonia and pleurisy. Others always offer, but she insists and says she enjoys doing it.

Give your husband an Immodium in future - it won't kill him to miss a bowel movement one day a year.

@Emotionalsupportviper Tee hee, great idea! 🤣🤣

Totally agree

Stop being a blooming martyr

I’d say the opposite ;)

Too late this year but on Boxing Day I would be looking for a 2024 Christmas cruise, somewhere warm and festive. Everything will be done for you and there’ll be plenty of opportunity for your DH to have all the shits he wants in the privacy of his own space. With that to look forward to, maybe you can haul yourself through this one last year.

@LakieLady Hosting at your house is one thing, doing all the cooking and preparation is quite another! I’m sure that you all pitch in, and that you’d notice if she was in pain. The OP’s children live locally, they must realize that she has a painful health condition.

He also cannot poo in my house so would do the same and yes, my mum would have to go with him or he would kick off

I have never ever ever heard of anything like this.

Does that mean these men can't go on a long journey in case they have to poo in a service station?
Or go on holiday?
Or go anywhere without demanding to be escorted home for a shit. Why do women put up with this sort of thing.
My DH could kick off all he likes but I wouldn't be escorting him to a toilet in our house. He could shit himself in his pants if he wouldn't go upstairs to a toilet, for all I would put up with this

I think this is one of those situations where you won't be spared your domestic torture until you have a nervous breakdown and family suddenly realise that you've passed breaking point and they need to step up. Then they'd rally to take over for one year and back to you once you seem better.
How to break the cycle? How to tackle your overbearing husband and his ridiculous bowel habits? Don't know if you can't stand up to him and just say 'no more!' I'd suggest you get away for the festive season next time or speak bluntly to your sons and DH about the oppression.