Page 7 | To think he should maintain current contributions?

Polewire · 2023-12-22T09:54:41+00:00

I know there’s been a few threads about child maintenance etc but this is slightly different. my ex and I split up 4 years ago. We have 2 children, 6 and 5. He left me for a woman 15 years younger than him, she was about 24 at the time I think, they maintain they didn’t have an affair but I’m 99% sure they did. That’s another story though. To be honest, I thought it was a mid life crisis and would never last but fast forward to today and they’ve bought a house, have a baby and are getting married in a few months time. Based on what my DC tell me (they stay with ex and his partner every other weekend) it’s a happy home. i haven’t physically spoken to my ex since we split. All communication is done on an app. I hate him for breaking up our family. I hate the fact that he never wanted to do anything with us, was out every night of the week and weekend with work/sports/hobbies and now he seems to have given up all that to spend time with his partner and their child. It’s not fair on my children that they’ve seen their dad transform into this wonderful dad and partner with the new baby and partner when he wasn’t like that with us. anyway - this is my issue. His partner has a really good job and is going back to work soon. He’s reducing his hours (she gets paid probably 3x as much as him) in order to look after their child so my maintenance is going to go down because it’s solely based on his hours. as it stands I just get by with the amount he pays each month and if he drops down hours then I’ll lose out and they’ll still be living their high life - fancy jeep, hotel stays all the time, stuff I wouldn’t even be able to dream of doing with my children. Would it be unreasonable to message him on the app and outline that although it’s based on his income, given that he’s reducing his hours for his other child and given the fact shes earning well that he should maintain the amount he’s currently paying for our children?

Forgotmylogindetails · 22/12/2023 13:28

@CruCru I don’t pay for my therapy. Referred by my GP.

Catza · 22/12/2023 13:30

Polewire · 22/12/2023 10:09

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to maybe just ask. Like this is the level of disparity we’re talking. The same week I had to send the children to school with half of the basics, she goes and buys a Porsche jeep. I don’t want to say too much for fear of outing but I know for a fact that her salary is more than mine and my ex’s put together and she’s on course for more promotions etc. (I have a friend who works in a rival company to her so would know her and her band level). She treats DC well and they get everything paid by her and ex when they’re at their house but the disparity is shocking. I don’t want to seem like the crazy bitter ex but I can’t help but feel my DC are getting a bit hard done by.

OP, what she can and cannot afford is not your business. I am going to go on a limb and say that she bought a Porsche out of her own money, not your ex's. And if that is the case, this has nothing whatsoever to do with you. You can equally change your career prospects and get into a higher earning bracket to afford your own Porsche.
I would avoid focusing on that because, indeed, it does make you sound like a bitter ex.
But it wouldn't hurt to ask what his plans are as far as children maintenance. Just don't bring his new partner into it. It is, unfortunately, not relevant how much she earns and what she can afford out of her own salary.

Gensola · 22/12/2023 13:31

If I were your ex I’d be taking you to court for 50-50!

Santaiswashinghissleigh · 22/12/2023 13:34

Sadly the cold fact is you had dc with a twat and this is the repercussion...

GuinnessBird · 22/12/2023 13:37

Santaiswashinghissleigh · 22/12/2023 13:34

Sadly the cold fact is you had dc with a twat and this is the repercussion...

The OP hasn't covered herself in glory either.

cadburyegg · 22/12/2023 13:38

JustEatTheOneInTheBallPit · 22/12/2023 13:15

I have two step children and their mother really struggles as she does not work. I have a good income and husband and I share all of our finances. My husband is a work horse so there is no danger of him reducing his hours but there is always a possibility he could find himself incapacitated and unable to work.
If his ex wife emailed him and asked for contributions to continue, knowing that these contributions would come from my salary instead, I would agree to this.

I am aware that many people would not or could not agree. I am simply offering my own perspective. No two situations are the same.

There is no specific reason that I would agree. I love my husband and the children he came with, the children do rely upon me as a responsible adult in their life and we could cut costs elsewhere in our lives to afford husband’s maintenance to continue on just my salary.
In fact, if all of our children lived with us all of the time, we would HAVE to find a way to afford them. Living expenses (in some cases) seem to become optional after divorce, which is obviously absurd.
Also, CMS is really more of a “bare bones” amount. It doesn’t really scale correctly with all sorts of income and lifestyle factors, for a number of boring reasons I won’t go into here.

We could cut costs in a way that would impact all children equally (holidays, gifts, days out etc) whilst also ensuring we maintain our obligation to keep all children fed and in clothes.

What I am saying is - if going is as good as you say it is at the other end, she might be more amenable to it than you think. There is no harm in asking, if phrased correctly. But she has no obligation so gird those loins.

What a lovely post. You sound like a great stepmum.

ohdamnitjanet · 22/12/2023 13:40

Polewire · 22/12/2023 10:09

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to maybe just ask. Like this is the level of disparity we’re talking. The same week I had to send the children to school with half of the basics, she goes and buys a Porsche jeep. I don’t want to say too much for fear of outing but I know for a fact that her salary is more than mine and my ex’s put together and she’s on course for more promotions etc. (I have a friend who works in a rival company to her so would know her and her band level). She treats DC well and they get everything paid by her and ex when they’re at their house but the disparity is shocking. I don’t want to seem like the crazy bitter ex but I can’t help but feel my DC are getting a bit hard done by.

@@Polewire you don’t seem like a crazy bitter ex at all, I reckon if we were honest we would all feel the same, whatever the legal rights to maintenance. I would be furious he was going part time when he should be working full time to support ALL his children. Still, he will be more available to look after all his children, if you are happy for them to go there.
Although it more than likely won’t last, she’ll get fed up supporting an old man soon enough.

Catza · 22/12/2023 13:40

RoomOfRequirement · 22/12/2023 11:21

CM payments should be like every other bill. You don't get free electricity if you become a lazy man child, you should have to continue to pay CM too. And there should be a minimum regardless of what you earn.

But that would help women so it would never happen.

So looking after a baby is now considered being a "lazy man child". In that case, all SAHM should be flogged. But no, they are heroes but a man doing the same is no longer a man. But in the same sentence we scream about equal rights and opportunities for women...
Give your head a wobble.

cadburyegg · 22/12/2023 13:41

Your ex is disgusting

I agree, I am going through the process with the CMS but I'm not holding out much hope as he has gone self employed this year (conveniently) and apparently the CMS don't take savings into account, only the interest from them. Maybe I'll be proved wrong!

cadburyegg · 22/12/2023 13:42

Santaiswashinghissleigh · 22/12/2023 13:34

Sadly the cold fact is you had dc with a twat and this is the repercussion...

I hate these kinds of posts, firstly they're completely unhelpful and unnecessary because the children are already here. Secondly, I'm sure she didn't think he was a twat when they got together!

Crumpleton · 22/12/2023 13:49

FedUpMumof10YO · 22/12/2023 11:17

Surely a 50/50 arrangement is now due ?

He reduces his payment but ups the time they are with him? He can now do 50% of everything child related.

Would having them 50/50 mean he'd be paying towards them for that period of time and wipe out having to pay CM though to his ex wife?

FortheBeautyoftheEarth · 22/12/2023 13:49

Grilly · 22/12/2023 11:02

You sound jealous and bitter. Your partner’s ex doesn’t have to fund your household. Sounds like the children would have a more equitable and nicer existence if you went to 50/50, but you don’t want to lose the money or control over the children.

Yes it’s unfair that their household has more money. Life is unfair OP.

Is it 'unfair' though or is it just that his new partner works hard and long hours? What hours do you work OP? She may well feel hard done by that she has to do so and would love to be part time to be with her child more and feel she is unable to do so because of this situation re. contact/cm. We can all frame things however we like. And I love the way you have to convince yourself new wife is the boogeyman behind this all. Why do so many women do this??

Screwballs · 22/12/2023 13:50

Polewire · 22/12/2023 10:09

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to maybe just ask. Like this is the level of disparity we’re talking. The same week I had to send the children to school with half of the basics, she goes and buys a Porsche jeep. I don’t want to say too much for fear of outing but I know for a fact that her salary is more than mine and my ex’s put together and she’s on course for more promotions etc. (I have a friend who works in a rival company to her so would know her and her band level). She treats DC well and they get everything paid by her and ex when they’re at their house but the disparity is shocking. I don’t want to seem like the crazy bitter ex but I can’t help but feel my DC are getting a bit hard done by.

Her wage, what she buys herself and what promotions she is due is nothing to do with you or your children. She could send her child to private school, it doesn't mean she owes your children, children that are nothing to do with her biologically, the same. Honestly, you want the wage, go out and earn it! Ex legally had a CMS amount to pay, that's the system, beyond that I can't believe you genuinely think she owes you anything?

Blankscreen · 22/12/2023 13:51

I think op you need to accept that it is unlikely the new wife will be willing to sub your household out of her salary.

If he is the lower earner then it makes sense for their family for him to reduce hours to look after the baby.

All I can suggest is that you try and increase your earning capacity.

I think the baby is a red herring there could be any reasons why the maintenance could drop for example redundancy or illness.

The children are effectively guests as their dad's house. I would suggest he has them more while he has reduced hours and this will mean they bond more with the baby and their father. This will give you time focus on earning more yourself.

x2boys · 22/12/2023 13:52

Polewire · 22/12/2023 10:34

She’s a control freak so the maintenance will definitely go down if he reduces his hours.

Quite frankly so do you
What gives you the right to reduce the time your children spend with their father ?

Honeychickpea · 22/12/2023 14:02

cadburyegg · 22/12/2023 13:42

I hate these kinds of posts, firstly they're completely unhelpful and unnecessary because the children are already here. Secondly, I'm sure she didn't think he was a twat when they got together!

Show quote history

No, he became a twat in her eyes when he fell in love with someone else, who he is about to marry. Having two children in rapid succession was not enough to make him marry OP. I am sure that hurts, but you can't force love.

Christmasbrie · 22/12/2023 14:07

Whilst his new partners wage is irrelevant in calculating CMS, its relevant in as much as it facilitates him going part time which will affect OP as no doubt he will then just pay the legal minimum that CMS demands. A man or NRP not taking into account maintenance when working out whether they can afford to go part time because they know the system will just allow them to pay less is sad and pathetic. Of course don't know here as he might be planning on keeping it the same, seems unlikely though.

OP you're getting a hard time here but I get you, your partner was disengaged from family life and wouldn't commit to you, but here is playing doting hands on dad with his new baby and has managed to land on his feet financially and be able to provide more for this child than he did for yours; most women would find that hard to stomach no matter how much they protest otherwise.

Mrsm010918 · 22/12/2023 14:09

Read the whole thread and you are being unreasonable.

I actually think that while the amounts are not as much as we would like, the cms system as a whole works well. The only thing I do disagree on is that living with new children reduces payments since the original children don't cost any less to provide for.

You are clearly bitter and jealous of the girlfriend but legally her finances are nothing to do with you and she is not obligated to subsidise increased payments to you. You're fixating on all the things she has - you realise that you don't get all that without working your ass off for it right? Perhaps look at what you can do to improve your own career prospects and income potential.

If there are no safeguarding issues I also don't see why the children can't spend more time with their father. You don't want them to but I can't see any reason why not other than to spite him, he had to go to court just to get one night a fortnight. And yes, they will likely feel displaced while they get so little contact anyway, increased contact would probably help them feel connected to their dad and the new baby.

CaraMiaMonCher · 22/12/2023 14:14

Polewire · 22/12/2023 10:09

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to maybe just ask. Like this is the level of disparity we’re talking. The same week I had to send the children to school with half of the basics, she goes and buys a Porsche jeep. I don’t want to say too much for fear of outing but I know for a fact that her salary is more than mine and my ex’s put together and she’s on course for more promotions etc. (I have a friend who works in a rival company to her so would know her and her band level). She treats DC well and they get everything paid by her and ex when they’re at their house but the disparity is shocking. I don’t want to seem like the crazy bitter ex but I can’t help but feel my DC are getting a bit hard done by.

That’s all by the by, she’s not the mother or father of your children.

Perhaps he is able to have your DC more now that he’ll have more free time, which would free you up a bit to look for a higher paid job yourself.

It’s all really un-fucking-fair, I don’t dispute that part. But your husbands new partner isn’t the problem here. Imagine you were the new woman in this equation, how would you feel about your partners ex considering themselves entitled to a chunk of your salary?

Lucyintheskywithadiamond · 22/12/2023 14:19

You sound very fixated on the new girlfriend. Her salary is hers and she can spend it what she likes, such as a new car and their wedding. It really has nothing to do with you. Sounds like you are tracking her career, again, nothing to do with you. It is not down to her to maintain your household income, you need to look at increasing your earning potential, she owes you nothing.

Honeychickpea · 22/12/2023 14:26

Catza · 22/12/2023 13:40

So looking after a baby is now considered being a "lazy man child". In that case, all SAHM should be flogged. But no, they are heroes but a man doing the same is no longer a man. But in the same sentence we scream about equal rights and opportunities for women...
Give your head a wobble.

Show quote history

When a woman chooses not to work she is "facilitating her partner's career" in Mumsnet speak.

notlucreziaborgia · 22/12/2023 14:27

That he’s chosen to go part time, even if it benefits his wife, doesn’t mean that paying maintenance becomes her issue. It was and is up to him to choose to prioritise it or not. Her wage is just that - here (I hope she’s been smart and protected her assets prior to marrying him too). His financial obligations to his older children have nothing to do with her.

WellThatWasUnfortunate · 22/12/2023 14:29

I really think you need to take a step back. You seem obsessed.

you know to much about their financial and personal business. Do you stalk them on social media? If so you need to block them both asap.

you cannot stop him from having access to his DC just because you are bitter. That’s not fair on them.

Honeychickpea · 22/12/2023 14:31

WellThatWasUnfortunate · 22/12/2023 14:29

I really think you need to take a step back. You seem obsessed.

you know to much about their financial and personal business. Do you stalk them on social media? If so you need to block them both asap.

you cannot stop him from having access to his DC just because you are bitter. That’s not fair on them.

I suspect that what is fair or in the best interests of the children is not a priority for the OP.

Goldbar · 22/12/2023 14:50

OP, I completely understand your bitterness but you do need to focus on what is best for your DC. And that may entail you taking a big step back and playing the long game a bit.

Relationships often break down because men fail to step up. I'd say "people" but tbh it's usually men. Society doesn't give women a free pass to shirk their caring responsibilities in the same way. I know you said he left but also from what you say, he wasn't dad of the year before that.

Broadly, two things often happen to inadequate dads (again, I would say parents, but it's mostly dads) after divorce. Either they go from being poor dads to terrible dads - out of sight being out of mind. Or they are forced to step up more and become more engaged in their children's lives so their relationship with their children actually improves as no one is there to parent for them.

For your DC's sake, you need to do what you can to ensure your ex falls into the second category. And unfortunately that means making sure they spend as much time with him as they can. He will struggle, he will fail, he will take it out on them and they will feel upset and uncomfortable. But somewhere along the way, if you work to give him sufficient opportunity, he may just about become a decentish dad to 3 kids and learn through painful experience how to juggle their different needs. And that can only be good for your kids.

You'll probably get more money out of him this way in any case - if he's involved in their day-to-day lives and care, he will be far less likely to be complacent about your DC struggling to access the basics.

At least have a conversation with him about whether he'll have them for more time.