To think if you don't eat dairy you can't expect everyone to make everything dairy free just for you?

[kimchio]

I have a relative. She's gone dairy free. Fine. We'll get some stuff she can eat in for Christmas. But she's been asking what we're having and every time I say something like coronation turkey on boxing day or trifle but don't worry I'll make you something dairy free She's being really annoying and insisting I make it all dairy free so she doesn't miss out. I think she just has to accept a dairy free trifle would be shit and she can't eat the cheese but we're all going to eat it anyway.
As long as there's enough food she can eat I think it's fine.

AIBU?

When do guests start critiqueing what their host will be offering in advance? Hell, I'm not sure what we're having Xmas day and I'm the one cooking. It would never cross my mind to ask what I was having if invited to dinner - I would assume it would be lovely and (as long as the host knows of allergies etc) appropriate.

I am lactose intolerant and even my own Christmas lunch isn’t dairy free. I swap things to oat milk where it won’t be noticed but I’ll be making a proper trifle and cheese board for guests!

I will try to cater to intolerances, allergies, and even preferences.

However, I categorically will not forgo cheese.

The GU one's are really nice and they're in a cute little jar you can keep. Some buy them for the jar.

Perhaps reread my post which does not mention cheese but desserts.

Do try the elmea before you make anything with it. I've bought it by mistake before as they put it with the cream and it is not cream! It is upf flavoured fake cream. Now i see dairy free people say it tastes the same, and alpro custard tastes the same. Maybe if your taste buds are poor, like quorn chicken tastes the same (ie you can taste the difference immediately, quorn is rank and nothing like meat in taste or texture).

I’m veggie with a few food intolerances and a couple of food allergies and wouldn’t expect anyone to change their menu to fit in with me. I’d even offer to take my own food.
Some people jump on the dietary restrictions loud speaker, a friend is like this, everyone in a gathering, in a restaurant, cafe must know she can’t eat X because she’s Y.

She's not being unreasonable to want to eat something that won't give her the runs (and it sounds like you're really trying to cater for her which is very kind)

She is a massive selfish twat to police what other people are eating however. She can't force other people not to eat stuff just because she can't have it. I don't eat gluten because it gives me stomach pains, I don't give a toss if others eat bread because I don't get to dictate what other people eat and its certainly not "mean" of them. How ludicrous and unreasonable of her.

It doesn’t make any difference. If it’s a medical condition she has to learn that she can’t foist it on everyone else. Unless she’s a five year old, because that’s the only excuse I can come up with for her basically stamping her foot and insisting that if she can’t eat something then no one else can !! You’re being supportive OP, you’re providing a nice dairy free festive alternative - don’t indulge this crap because if you do, it’ll just be the beginning.

YANBU. Your relative is being a dick. When someone is kindly providing a meal for me I don't start dictating what goes into it ffs... you have been more than accomodating already in offering to provide some dairy free alternatives.

I would make any centrepiece dairy free and have enough on the table that all the guests will feel satisfied but it is very unreasonable of your relation to be making demands. She sounds like a spoilt teenager. If you want a cheese board or bread sauce or a traditional trifle or whatever.. go ahead. We have always had to make family meals egg and dairy free .We are used to it but eg on Christmas Day there will be bread sauce with butter, milk and cream and one guest will not have bread sauce but there is still cranberry and gravy.

It's extremely unreasonable for her to critique or demand all adjust the menu for her.

I assume this person is something of an attention seeker overall since your reasonable idea of separate catering has been rejected. But since you are in charge, she doesn't get to change matters.

Is she’s lactose intolerant you can get lacto-free cream which tastes exactly the same as cream. I’m lactose intolerant and no one can tell the difference if I use it

How does this person function in the real world? does she demand noone at work eat a cheese sandwich or that supermarkets should ban milk because its upsetting her feelings whilst out shopping? Bloody hell. She sounds awful.

If you use lactose free cream, and lactose free milk to make any custard, it is exactly the same as “normal” trifle. Alternatives like soya and oat don’t work properly but lactofree stuff it literally just normal milk/cream with the lactose removed.

A lot of cheeses aren’t that high in lactose and a lot of lactose intolerant people can stomach a small amount. Tell her to buy some lactase tablets and then she will be able to eat a bit of cheese and not have to moan. It’s absolutely unreasonable for her to expect you not to eat stuff because she can’t, but if there are things that can easily be made lactose free, I’d be annoyed if someone wouldn’t go to that tiny bit extra effort to avoid me feeling like crap at Christmas

I'm intolerant, never expect anyone to do this.
She can get some lactase enzymes see if they work for her. (Milkaid you can pick up of the shelf in Asda now)

Vegan cheese is disgusting, and stupidly expensive.

She will need to learn to live with others eating dairy around her, its nice you have offered alternatives, she should be grateful.

For a dessert. GU zillionaires cheesecake is amazing (£3.50)

Tried Veganuary once, it was the cheese that finished me off. Have yet to find anything which resembles cheese in dairy free form. And I am very happy to do veggie, in fact don’t have milk at all, it wrecks my skin. But can tolerate live yogurt and cheese…maybe it’s a fermentation thing..🤷‍♀️

I bet this is your sister!

But yeah she's being unreasonable, she can't stop everyone else eating cheese and trifle just because she can't. You can get some vegan cheese that is actually quite nice from Waitrose - Le Fauxmagerie - so stick some of that on the cheese board and job's a good 'un.

TBH even dairy elmlea (buttermilk and oils) is horrible compared to actual cream so I wouldn’t hold out much hope for dairy free elmlea.

What's the problem? Are you worried you might like it?

My family is nearly all allergic to dairy so by default all food is dairy free here. It's really not hard to make a complete meal dairy free - or offer up some very good dairy free alternatives. The popularity of veganism and plant based diets has really helped with this.

Coconut collaborative is the best dairy free cream and custard

You have 4 options

Provide reasonable alternatives

Pander to her every demand and make everything dairy free (ridiculous)

Suggest she provides some of her own food that she enjoys in addition to what you’ve provided for her

Suggest that she sources some of this stuff so she can eat a small amount of dairy without ill effects (it breaks down the enzymes in lactose, I think.) A friend uses it as she loves cheese but is lactose intolerant.

My toddler DS is lactose intolerant, if we’re eating at other peoples homes I bring food for him (unless it’s my lovely Dsis’s house where she is adamant she’ll make him dairy free versions so he doesn’t miss out, but that’s off her own back and there’s always the offer there for me to bring his food with us so she doesn’t have to.) I wouldn’t expect anyone to make the entire menu dairy free, but I’m also not the one that can’t tolerate lactose my DS is so maybe my opinion isn’t valid.

I don't eat dairy and I think your relative is being selfish and unreasonable. If cheese is the issue, you can get some really convincing fake french cheeses these days. No reason for her to miss out.