To think if you don't eat dairy you can't expect everyone to make everything dairy free just for you?

[kimchio]

I have a relative. She's gone dairy free. Fine. We'll get some stuff she can eat in for Christmas. But she's been asking what we're having and every time I say something like coronation turkey on boxing day or trifle but don't worry I'll make you something dairy free She's being really annoying and insisting I make it all dairy free so she doesn't miss out. I think she just has to accept a dairy free trifle would be shit and she can't eat the cheese but we're all going to eat it anyway.
As long as there's enough food she can eat I think it's fine.

AIBU?

Yanbu not to make everything dairy free. I'm intolerant to gluten and dairy and I'm just thankful when anyone makes an effort to provide something I can eat!

Asda sells a coronation chicken sandwich type filler that is dairy free if you don't want to change your recipe.

I normally am lactose free (for coffeees etc) and gluten free as I was advised to by GP when I developed neurological shit post covid. I am not however coeliac or lactose intolerant as I've tested with the odd sandwich when nothing else available and I've eaten normal cheese.

However if I eat loads of pizza, things with pastry etc I do get a bit of a dodgy tummy. I will however eat normal at Xmas and put up with any mild off tummy's etc because it becomes such a fag catering to various allergies. So long as there is cold meat, salad and she's not gluten free as well then surely she can just pick what she can eat - if she wants dairy free cheese and deserts made gluten free- tell her to bring her own or make a large fruit salad and pop a tub of dairy free yoghurt (very nice actually) or DF cream next to it.

I’m vegetarian. I would never expect my MIL to make Xmas dinner veggie. They have turkey. They used to make something to go with the veg but don’t any more and that feels a little hurtful, I don’t mind just eating the veg and potatoes, I quite like not getting stuffed and the alternatives were never that nice, but stopping making an effort felt a bit mean. I think it’s lovely that you want to make something for her.

She needs to get over the FOMO re cheese.

Don’t get her vegan cheese - it’s awful. Get her a nice mushroom pâté and some hummus and olives. Much nicer.

For dessert I wouldn’t do a dairy free trifle unless you know you can do it well. Get her something else. Rich and chocolaty would be my go to. You can get good vegan brownies. Gower Cottage will deliver a box - if you are quick might get them in time. Everyone will like them so don’t worry about having too many. Swedish glacé ice cream is lovely. I think that would be lovely personally and would show her you care without compromising what every one else wants.

I think I prefer to have really nice food that is naturally dairy free or meat free rather than the processed alternatives. They are often just awful.

If the OP is making alternate dairy free desserts anyone then there is no need to have a dairy and non dairy version of the same thing.

One of my DSC is vegan, the vegan elmlea double cream alternative is pretty good. I made a decent vegan banoffee pie last year using it (still not as nice as a “real” one but bananas are such a dominant flavour they cover a multitude of sins).

Will be making vegan cheesecake for them this year.

That’s what I am wondering (and already asked). Dairy free or lactose free?

lactose free cream can be used like regular cream (and will not alter the taste of most dishes except for - perhaps - a little additional sweetness). Most hard cheeses are lactose free as well. Lactose free butter is also readily available.

making everything lactose free (apart from some cheeses) therefore really shouldn’t be difficult. It would honestly be much simpler than making an additional pudding option etc.

I am lactose intolerant myself and lactase and / or lactose free dairy products solve the issue for me personally.

completely dairy free - which would require vegan milk substitutes - would be a bit more complicated and will affect taste ime.

You have enough on your plate without having to worry about making sure everything is dairy free. I have a relative coming for Christmas, I've bought a few alternatives to shove in the oven that I don't need to worry about, so that they have a small range of food for Christmas day. This relative is a child so I'm more than happy to accommodate them. An adult, I'd include one or two dairy free things then tell then that they can sort the rest out if they want to have a wider choice of foods to eat from.

I'm dairy free (thanks menopause-generated intolerance) and I'd appreciate if you had one or two things I could eat. However I would certainly not expect you to make everything in the meal df, and would offer to bring subs of cheese, trifle, etc.

I would ignore all those saying the dairy free versions taste the same. Some of them are nice but they definitely don’t taste the same eg alpro custard is really sweet because it’s not quite the same taste. If you’re being so good as to host her I don’t think you need to provide all options dairy free. I would do the coronation chicken dairy free and buy a couple of vegan puddings. Presumably she can have crisps etc as snacks. I’d get her whatever milk alternative she wants for hot drinks and cereal. But I wouldn’t start buying everything dairy free- you’ll end up having to buy large packets of everything which will be wasted, would be much more sensible for her to bring a small quantity from home. Yes it’s difficult when you can’t eat what you want for medical reasons but that doesn’t change by forcing everyone else not to eat it, she needs to have a word with herself!

OP I’m with you.

I have a food allergy so I know I can’t eat everything in restaurants, shops or buffets. I just have to choose what I fancy from what I can have. You are giving options but not everyone wants to eat the same stuff. It’s not all about one person.

If you want to eat cheese at Christmas, please do.

Buy a vegan cheese - stick it on the board
Buy a vegan trifle
keep a bit of turkey back and mix it with mayo and curry powder and do your usual recipe for everyone else.

I wouldn't change everyone else's menu

How selfish is she? Expecting everyone else to miss out so she doesn’t? That’s madness. She should be grateful that you have offered to cater to her especially instead of shrugging and saying “Oh well, don’t come then.”
BTW, I have coeliac disease and anaphylaxis to pistachios and cashews. My son has anaphylaxis to all nuts, eggs, kiwi and banana. If I am ever invited over to someone’s place, I always tell them that I would rather that they didn’t go out of their way to cater to us and our issues, and we can bring our own stuff so they don’t have to worry about it.

Just in case you aren’t aware you can get artisan cashew based cheeses, quite pricey but much more minimally processed (and imo taste a lot better) than supermarket vegan cheese. A few brands are I am Nut Ok, Kinda Co, La Fauxmagerie and Tyne Chease.

What an absolute knob your sister is. I'm a vegan and always offer to bring my own food because I know it's a pain for people- the fact that you're actually catering for her and she's kicking off that you all have to be dairy free for the day is absolutely outrageous! Don't give in.

I’m dairy free because of intolerance, but hard matured cheeses are fine, the lactose changes. I’ve yet to find a dairy free cheese that is tolerable.

Your guest is being bonkers however. So long as there’s alternatives it’s fine, just a fact of life.

I have a child with dairy intolerance and I would always bring my own alternatives I wouldn’t expect someone else to do it. I’m vegetarian and do the same for Christmas dinner bring my own when with relatives and they cook it.

Reiterate that you will make her something dairy free, but that all your other guests eat and enjoy dairy, so it is not going to be possible to make everything dairy free. However, she is welcome to bring her own extra dairy free food if she would like.

Or tell her that she's not the axis upon which the world spins, and to get over herself.

I'm not an expert, but I believe some people who are lactose intolerant can eat hard cheeses. Would this guest be receptive to a gentle enquiry to see if she falls into this category? Given how minging vegan cheese is.

It's possible to make a good trifle without dairy. Elmlea plant cream is OK and you can make custard with soya milk.

That said, I wonder if your guest would still find something to moan about!

Dairy free cheese is not an alternative to cheese.

Have some nice choices everyone can share that are dairy free like maybe a fruity sponge type dessert, meringue with some fake cream just for her etc. Isn't coronation chicken dairy free/just mayo or do you add cream, you could make a mayo only portion for her? But YADNBU to keep the other options you prefer to serve on the menu.

Tell her you want to keep the Christmas trifle traditional, but if she wants to bring a small one of her own she is welcome to. If other guests want to try that is up to them.

If she makes a fuss/makes your other guests uncomfortable about it during Christmas I would have a word in a quiet corner.

Hate to be an advertisement, but I have used Oat based cream (the oat maker of milk does a good double cream, you can even whisk.
ok, it’s a tiny bit sweet, but with coronation chicken with apricots etc you’re not going to notice.
I have 1 occasional guest who is complete vegan and use it when they’re with us, it is surprisingly ok.

alternatovely, make a good mayo from scratch! With 2 people , 1 pouring and one whisking it doesn’t take long

aside form coronation chicken advice though , no, yanbu. My occasional visitor always brings their own “milk” and “butter” as we won’t get through whole pack, and it is so wasteful for me to buy specially for a short visit . As they’re vegan I also get them to make cakes or puds often - they’re a good cook, and it means we all have same pud/cake which are excellent but I don’t have hassle of trying to become a vegan cook which needs a fair amount of specialist ingredients and practice to do well. My vegan visitor loves cheese, can’t have it now, but brings her own specialist vegan ones. They wouldn’t dream about us not having cheese, and they are dairy free from allergic reasons,

tell her, that if she is going dairy free, she needs to go through her own acceptance that she will miss certain foods (like “real” cheese), and whilst that may take time to get used to, and be disappointing for her, it doesn’t mean you all have to feel deprived, so she doesn’t …life doesn’t work like that. Pregnant women are advised to give alcohol a miss, diabetics can’t do sweet stuff and carbs randomly, celiacs have real issues and her diet is no different. She has the issues around foods she has to avoid - not the other way round.

provide what you can, but ask her to bring a few bits to so that you are not double cooking . Or worse buying just for her, and then wasting left overs - such a waste of food and money. She has to get used to this .

“No the trifle will contain dairy. We’ll have x dairy free pudding for you. If you want to bring your own trifle you’re welcome to.”

buy her a slab of vegan cheese and make her eat that. It's utterly utterly DISGUSTING !

she sounds spoilt and entitled. I'd plan your menu around what you and the majority want to eat and she can pick at the nuts and berries.

They are being completely unreasonable. My son has CMPA and is breastfed so I can’t therefore have diary. I would never expect someone to make everything dairy free, not least because some stuff quite frankly will taste shit. Although I’m used to not having it now and the alternatives have stopped tasting quite so strange, I’d appreciate someone getting dairy free alternatives and think it’s very thoughtful

Reading up on trifle…actually you could do this really easily dairy free using that same oat like milk and cream….the cream has a light chantilly cream type flavour and can be whisked. Look for double cream version.
the oat based milk is good for custard too, just use a bit less sugar.

if you’re going out all guns blazing with triffle with real egg based custard, then nope, she’ll just have to skip it. No dairy free option for real proper custard