To think if you don't eat dairy you can't expect everyone to make everything dairy free just for you?

[kimchio]

I have a relative. She's gone dairy free. Fine. We'll get some stuff she can eat in for Christmas. But she's been asking what we're having and every time I say something like coronation turkey on boxing day or trifle but don't worry I'll make you something dairy free She's being really annoying and insisting I make it all dairy free so she doesn't miss out. I think she just has to accept a dairy free trifle would be shit and she can't eat the cheese but we're all going to eat it anyway.
As long as there's enough food she can eat I think it's fine.

AIBU?

Just adding to the chorus of people saying don’t only buy vegan cheese. It’s absolutely rank.

No you weren't, you were being helpful and I appreciate that. But there have been people on this thread saying, "you can easily make it all dairy free, there are so many alternatives available" etc and I was making the point that no, many people don't necessarily want that. The OP is offering to cater for her dairy free guest, but has been told that's not enough and everyone should go dairy free - that's not reasonable, as many people have agreed.

Shes being unreasonable.

It would be reasonable for her to expect you to provide some dairy free food if you are hosting but it's not reasonable for her to demand it's all dairy free.

That said if I have a dairy free guest I generally try and keep dairy out of it anyway unless its like cheesey or something because it's just easier to make one lot of food and nicer if everyone can have some and stuff like butter and milk are easy swaps.

lol. It’s shit for her but only for her, not everyone else. She’ll need to find a way to get over it and used to her new normal.

YANBU at all. It’s her choice, ignore her and eat whatever you want. She can bring her own food. I am sick to death of everyone’s fussiness with food.

I don't get the issues this causes these days. I'm early fifties now, but I can remember having a birthday party aged 7 or 8. Maybe not quite the same, but one of my friends of the same age was diabetic. I can clearly remember her asking my mum what everything was on the tea table and identifying what she could and couldn't eat. No 'it's not fair' about things she couldn't eat, no telling everyone we all had to have diabetic friendly food.
OP - YANBU as long as their are suitable alternatives available.

If it's a lactose intolerance then lactose free milk & cream is easy enough to find.

Also some cheese are very low in lactose.

Lots of dairy free people can eat small amounts. They will often be fine with hard cheese and butter too. (I used to deal with dietaries in a restaurant). Goats and yew cheese is fine too. She's just being extra.

The issue isn’t with you and what catering you are/aren’t doing. It sounds like you are accommodating being diary free with lots of choices for her.

The issue is to do with her identity (hear me out!).

It’s the difference between I can’t eat dairy and I don’t eat dairy.

People who don’t eat dairy will dismiss others eating cheese etc as irrelevant- because it’s not something they do. Others can do what they want but I don’t.

Someone who sees themselves as can’t eat dairy- they are a lot more fragile in their decision. And so they are much quicker to try and blame, guilt and project out the choice onto others…

Sounds like she is still thinking of herself as a ‘can’t eat dairy’ and so until she comes to terms with it herself you are going to have to prepare yourself for how to manage her moods.

I think you are being very unfair saying it is pandering to her if she has an intolerance. It isn’t a choice. I’m not saying you should make everything dairy free but you sound resentful and angry with her. I’d provide enough alternatives that she doesn’t feel left out or ask her to bring one of the dishes.

I regularly cater for CMPA and it's easy to make things which are naturally dairy free for everyone.

I catered dairy free for a relative for a while who was cmpa. It was easy yes, but everything tasted much, much worse. There is absolutely nothing that works properly in place of cheese.

Eating dairy also makes me ill - first a hot red rash, then upset tummy and if I continue eating it I get painful joints.

I would never expect a whole meal or buffet to be dairy free. She is being ridiculous and sounds a bit spoilt and childish.

And I'm another one who says don't bother with vegan cheese. I completely avoid man made in a lab type replacements. I'd far rather have a pizza without cheese (for example) than have palm oil and emulsifiers shaped and dyed to look like cheese.

If you want to make dairy free trifle - use elmlea plant and alpro soya custard. I guarantee no one will know it’s dairy free!

Of course they will, they’re vile 😂

I’d just buy her a decent gluten free pud - Gu do some like dairy free cheesecake etc or Coconut Collaborative etc.

Yanbu! I'm dairy free at the mo because I'm breastfeeding a cmpa baby. I wouldn't inflict vegan cheese on anyone 🤣. The only nice ones I've had are fauxmargerie and they're really expensive.

I did tell my husband he would be cruel if he had my favourite food ever in front of me (baked camembert), which was definitely also unreasonable 😂.

You're right that the alternatives are often highly processed. You are willing to cater for her, which is enough in my eyes. Minor adaptations where you can do also are good. But expecting you to buy a load of extra expensive ingredients is definitely unreasonable of her.

I'm taking my own food tbh to things over Christmas. Then people aren't put out, I can trust what's in everything and they don't end up with a load of leftovers they won't eat. But I am extra paranoid I think because I have a sense of responsibility that it's the baby who suffers from a slip up, not me!

It’s like saying the the non vegetarians coming to Christmas dinner (most but not all of my family are V) aren’t allowed to have Turkey or pigs in blankets on Christmas Day. I am making food for the V and the Non V people. As long as there is something for everyone to eat crack on, Yanbu

@kimchio lol I hope you don’t explain it like that face to face 🤣🤣🤣🤣made me laugh!

I would be perfectly happy to modify the menu to an extent to accommodate her - e.g., I wouldn't add unnecessary parmesan to the parsnips, and might consider using olive oil instead of butter etc. in some elements of the dinner so we could all eat many of the same things.

I wouldn't banish dairy from the house though. I mean, Christmas without Stilton? Or trifle without cream? Unthinkable.

Do you mean lactose free or dairy free?

a lactose free trifle would be super simple and much simpler than making an additional dairy free dish!

but apart from that? Yanbu. It’s perfectly fine to have some dishes she can’t eat.

Don't get her vegan cheese! There is a decent lactose free cheddar, and for blue she can have Montagnolo which they have in tesco.

https://www.tesco.com/groceries/en-GB/products/310136279

Exactly. Christmas dinner this year will have 2 meat eaters, 2 vegetarians and 2 vegans.

There will be meaty stuff for the meat eaters and alternatives for the others. The vegetarians and vegans have all been such for decades and know what we can and can’t eat. (Also it’s one of the vegans hosting). It’s easy enough to please everyone.

I’m dairy free so no trifle etc for me I love cheese, trifle, cream etc however it’s not worth the pain and shits tbh
There are sooo many other things I can eat, I don’t like the alternative’ items without dairy so I eat something else. I make a really nice trifle - so I’m making a trifle I can’t eat for everyone else but I enjoy it. I’ve not asked for ‘special’ food or for everyone else to eat what I’m eating because I’m not a nob.

Adults should understand, that whatever diet they can or can’t have, they shouldn’t expect it to impact on others!
Make food for their needs, but certainly not for other guests.

My DD is dairy free due to an allergy. I buy her special cheese/milk/spread but that’s it, anything else she buys/makes herself.

@kimchio I have recently become lactose intolerant tolerant. You can buy tablets to take to counteract this.

I don't eat dairy all the time but when I do I just take a couple of these.

A member of my family has a strong intolerance/allergy to dairy. He just eats the stuff without dairy in it. We don't make anything specific for him!