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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

This is definitely Christmas cheeky fuckery isn’t it?

279 replies

KylieJennersMakeUpSponge · 21/12/2023 16:04

Foreword: yes I’m disorganised as hell and have left presents until the last minute yet again. But it is what it is.

SIL has 3 children - 2 who are now adults in their 20’s and a 9yo.

I have 2 children ages 7&10.

When i came into the family I bought for her kids jointly with DH - I knew them from when they were about 5 & 7. We stopped buying once they both went off to Uni, we felt that adulthood was a good age to stop. We always used to go for about £20 per niece.

Anyway, SIL messaged today to ask for ideas for my kids’ presents. I sent some suggestions all around the £15-£20 mark. I asked about DN aged 9. She sent some computer games all priced at £40.

So it’s been a tough year financially for various reasons, mainly due to DH’s ill health. We’ve told our kids that big extravagant presents like what we’ve given them in years before are a no-no (which they’re fine with) and DH and I aren’t buying for one another as we try and put money into savings so we can pay bills through 2024. we are budgeting to within an inch of our lives and tracking literally every penny as we do not want to get into debt. We are already in debit with our gas company.

Anyway I budgeted £10-£20 for nephews and nieces for Christmas, which was very do-able, we don’t have many. However I begrudge paying £40 and I really did have to say to SIL that it’s out of our budget and can she make some cheaper suggestions, or alternatively I can buy a second hand game from CeX.

She had replied to say that she is surprised as she is spending £40 on our children so it’s fair to spend £40 back. And that Cex only ever gives scratched games (not true, my kids have a Cex-bought PS4 and I buy all their games there, never had a problem and even if I did they do warranties on everything!).

AIBU to think that’s not how it works?!

What really pisses me off more than anything though - and I know this isn’t 9yo DN’s fault - but he is the world’s most spoilt child. He has three computer consoles - a switch, PS5 and an Xbox. He has the fancy VR headsets and all the gadgets and the latest games. They always claim they’re skint but he doesn’t go without - and in my view if he wants a certain game so badly it’s not like his only opportunity to get it is by us buying it for him! At the moment £20 is a lot to us, if I do have a spare £20 kicking about I put it towards the gas bill.

Do AIBU to think SIL is a cheeky fucker? She knows that DH has been off work most of the year and that we have less than we normally do. Or is it the case of it’s fair to spend the same amount in total no matter how many kids the other person has?

OP posts:
Turquoise123 · 22/12/2023 23:56

Presents ruin Christmas

Woofie7 · 23/12/2023 00:35

DO IT!

say something like: I understand your reasoning however don’t forget we have previously spent on “x” for 18 years .

I think it’s disgusting she mentioned it.
So face her off. If she can be outspoken so can you .

Woofie7 · 23/12/2023 00:54

Time is the most precious gift you can give to your children.
I always wanted my mum and dad to play with us or come on a bike ride with us. But they were always too busy etc.
you will have a fabulous time. We are only just getting into basic uno .

T1Dmama · 23/12/2023 02:25

For me the issue here isn’t her wanting you to spend similar on her son as she does on your two DD combined (although that’s surely too!)…. But her complete lack of empathy for your situation!
SHE KNOWS that you’ve had a tough year with your husband being unwell, SHE KNKWS he hasn’t been able to work, so therefore if she has even half a brain cell then she would know that
you’d be struggling financially…
in her position I’d be suggesting that we only buy a token gift for each others children, like a selection box or tub of celebrations etc….
what strikes me most is her total lack of insight!!
Also in her situation with a brother who she knows has been poorly, I’d be suggesting to my spoilt child that he only opens a few presents Christmas Day so
as not to make his cousins and aunt and uncle feel shit… and open his main gifts at home later! But then my daughter is like your children and would fully expect not to open 50 gifts if she knew her cousins were only getting 5 each!!… in fact my DD would probably suggest some of the money I’d normally spend on her was given towards her cousins getting more!!
You and your family sound lovely and I wish I knew you and could help you.

LonelynSad · 23/12/2023 05:36

there’s been no cinema trips, theme parks trips, soft plays etc pretty much all year.

But it does mean I’ve been able to put a little away

Those poor kids. Not been anywhere for a year!? And no proper Christmas presents???? 😢

LonelynSad · 23/12/2023 05:56

@Tooshytoshine Your parents sound amazing! Dancing with the dog 😆😆😆

TryingButItsHard · 23/12/2023 08:18

I think you did the right thing OP. I'm sure your kids will enjoy their Christmas. We are skint too and have been for many years, but it's the being together and having everyone round the table together being silly that I hope our kids will remember.

As for this:

"(DN brings his consoles along to wherever he spends Christmas Day so he can play the games! He came to ours a couple of years ago and was NOT happy when I said no he couldnt plug his Xbox in because we have one TV and we like to watch things through the day)"

Wow. Dudleys parents have fucked up big time.

TryingButItsHard · 23/12/2023 08:19

LonelynSad · 23/12/2023 05:36

there’s been no cinema trips, theme parks trips, soft plays etc pretty much all year.

But it does mean I’ve been able to put a little away

Those poor kids. Not been anywhere for a year!? And no proper Christmas presents???? 😢

Edited

Our kids have been to the cinema once in the last 4 years. This is how some people live believe it or not.

pushbaum · 23/12/2023 08:41

Honestly Christmas and all the materialism that goes with it can put people under such awful pressure. Hope you have a lovely time together OP, having gone through what sounds like such a tough year, that’s all that really matters. We should all count our blessings really, and I’m sure you’re deeply grateful for your gorgeous kids and DH.

Autumnalday · 23/12/2023 08:48

KylieJennersMakeUpSponge · 22/12/2023 15:06

So I’ve been to Cex and swapped some old games for a second hand new game that is in perfect condition! Only had to put £2 towards it.

You could've sold some of those games for more money or traded them in for a game your child wanted.

You should text your SIL: 'I bought 2 lots of presents for your eldest children for x years. I then bought 3 presents for x years. I can't believe you begrudge buying for my 2 children when I've spent a lot of money on yours for x years!'

And then give the game you bought from Cex to your children. Buy your nephew a £10 Game voucher instead. Why do you keep letting your SIL and her son get their own way?

T1Dmama · 23/12/2023 09:56

And yes I’d be 100% pointing out in the nicest way possible to SIL that over the years you’ve bought for 3 Children .. so even though now you only buy for 1, you’ve done your fair share of spending on her children.
Over the years I’ve bought for loads of kids, all my friends have 2, my siblings have 2 each and my exh’s brother has 4!! For years I bought for all these children, when I had my DD my BIL & his wife never even sent a baby gift, she’s never received Christmas or birthday cards let alone gifts… needless to say we stopped buying for their kids! I find that so tight! (And they’re a LOT wealthier than us before anyone says that! - think both work FT & his job is abroad earning wages most can only dream of! ) As for my friends most of them bought for the first couple of birthdays then just stopped, so again I’ve since stopped, my DD is lucky to get a card from my friends!…. In fact if all the now adult kids I’ve bought for over the years non of the parents really bothered with my DD. One even had the audacity to pull me up on forgetting her sons birthday this year and texting him a day late apologising and wishing him a happy birthday. … she pretty much ghosted me for that for months!! Yet my DD (her goddaughter) hasn’t had anything from her for years.
People are cheeky and have short shellfish memories!

Original poster
KylieJennersMakeUpSponge · 23/12/2023 11:18

So for those saying it’s DH’s problem and that I’m a ‘martyr’ Hmm - he has been very ill all year and has only just gone back to work PT and from home at the end of November. Which has been a huge physical change for him, and he is exhausted as his health complications are still prevelant. So no I’m not going to say “You go buy and sort the presents it’s YOUR family” to someone so exhausted that all the energy they use is to work - largely because I’m not a massive pedantic twat. This is a marriage, a partnership and when one partner is feeling that way the the other picks up the slack and if the shoe was on the other foot he’d do exactly the same for me.

As for those criticising me for trading DC’s games in - what else should I do with them? Cex is great for reusing. And it’s games they haven’t touched in months and never play. I have bought them a couple of games between them for Christmas from Cex, they don’t need or want anymore than what I’ve got them.

OP posts:
Original poster
KylieJennersMakeUpSponge · 23/12/2023 11:18

LonelynSad · 23/12/2023 05:36

there’s been no cinema trips, theme parks trips, soft plays etc pretty much all year.

But it does mean I’ve been able to put a little away

Those poor kids. Not been anywhere for a year!? And no proper Christmas presents???? 😢

Edited

Thanks for that. Super helpful Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
KylieJennersMakeUpSponge · 23/12/2023 11:19

travelallthetime · 22/12/2023 18:47

If you want to take your kids to the cinema over xmas and can afford two tickets then I can give you my 2 free tickets from Sky xx

@travelallthetime oh that is so kind - if you are not using them I’d love that it would be great to treat the kids! Normally my pride would get in the way and I’d say no but I’m putting pride aside for a while xx

OP posts:
Original poster
KylieJennersMakeUpSponge · 23/12/2023 11:20

LonelynSad · 23/12/2023 05:36

there’s been no cinema trips, theme parks trips, soft plays etc pretty much all year.

But it does mean I’ve been able to put a little away

Those poor kids. Not been anywhere for a year!? And no proper Christmas presents???? 😢

Edited

@LonelynSad can I ask what you would do in my situation? One wage coming in for 4 people, one very sick adult and bills to pay. What would you do - come on, turns those tears for my children into ideas please.

OP posts:
MinnieGirl · 23/12/2023 11:24

It Sounds like you’ve had a really hard year. Having a husband with major health issues myself, I can totally understand where you are coming from.
Your SiL sounds really greedy and selfish, no wonder her son is such a Dudley….
I think you’ve done exactly the right thing. And moving forward, I would tell SiL in the new year that you will not be gifting to her son anymore due to your finances, and your own children are your priority. If she kicks off, just remind her of all the years you bought for her elder two…

Your kids sound fantastic, which is a credit to you and your husband. I hope your husband continues to recover, and that you all have a lovely Christmas.

Zoezoo · 23/12/2023 11:27

LonelynSad · 23/12/2023 05:36

there’s been no cinema trips, theme parks trips, soft plays etc pretty much all year.

But it does mean I’ve been able to put a little away

Those poor kids. Not been anywhere for a year!? And no proper Christmas presents???? 😢

Edited

Yes, come on OP. It's all very well working hard, looking after your family, keeping a roof over their heads, making sure they are warm, fed, loved and by the sounds of it raised to be lovely little people, but depriving them of trips out and visits to theme parks - how cruel!!!!🙄 Btw: you sound like an awesome person to me and I hope you have the best Christmas possible!

ThisHouseWillBeTheDeathOfMe · 23/12/2023 12:05

KylieJennersMakeUpSponge · 23/12/2023 11:20

@LonelynSad can I ask what you would do in my situation? One wage coming in for 4 people, one very sick adult and bills to pay. What would you do - come on, turns those tears for my children into ideas please.

Show quote history

@KylieJennersMakeUpSponge

One thing you could do, to give a "wow" factor, is fill the floor with red white and green balloons.

One year, DS got a Disney trip for new year...all lovely, but not the most exciting present for a child to see on Christmas morning. So to create the first wow moment as he ran downstairs, I had a pack of red green and white balloons (about ten in a pack, 99p each, card factory) and it looked so effective with them all over the floor. He must have bounced about with them for a good hour.

Even now at 15, he'll ask if we can have a balloon Christmas. For his younger siblings, of course... Wink

housethatbuiltme · 23/12/2023 12:43

KylieJennersMakeUpSponge · 23/12/2023 11:20

@LonelynSad can I ask what you would do in my situation? One wage coming in for 4 people, one very sick adult and bills to pay. What would you do - come on, turns those tears for my children into ideas please.

Show quote history

I'm disabled, currently not able to work, family of 5 on one low income so pretty similar to what you just put and we can go to the occasionally to the soft play or cinema (although easier to watch films at home but through out the year various national chains have 'tickets for £2' days, plus theres kids club tickets etc... which we occasionally use).

We also go to the park, beach, free local farms, free summer clubs, local community parties which cost a few quid, free fireworks display, free santa, sometimes just going for walks etc... there stuff on all year round.

We still pay all our bills like everyone else while doing stuff with the kids, you dont need an abundance of money to spend time with and give a child experiences.

The birthday you posted sounds absoloutly fine, little activities like that instead of big commercial paid ones are of course great but I think the issue arises because you only mentioned it in regardless to being done for a 'special' occasions but kids need entertainment all year round. Maybe its a miscommunication and you just thought 'free' activities where implied but 'lonelynsad' read it as you do 'nothing'.

As someone in a similar financial/life situation by the sounds of it we only spend a max of £5 on nieces/nephews and I haven't spend £20 across all of them this year... its more a token gift. If I was struggling for my own kids I wouldn't buy for nieces and nephews, it would be the first non essential dropped.

Original poster
KylieJennersMakeUpSponge · 23/12/2023 12:46

@housethatbuiltme yes I meant paid activities - which is why I said “there’s been no cinema trips, theme parks trips, soft plays etc pretty much all year.”

free activities (there were a few around the coronation) where we live is great for holding local Fayres and festivals etc so they have enjoyed plenty of them

Me and the kids walk round our nature reserve every Sunday weather permitting - they manage 7 miles, it fills the day and they love it

OP posts:
Lulu49 · 23/12/2023 14:50

I wouldn't mind betting it's not really registered with her that your husband being ill has impacted your finances and she may well apologize if you just say I'm sorry but this year we really can't afford to spend more than £20 due to your brother not working.

rochenutty · 23/12/2023 16:22

not a cat’s chance in hell that in your very serious financial situation OP i would be spending one penny on any other person aside from my children

If you weren’t buying for nieces and nephews then We also didn’t do a Santa visit this year. I couldn’t find anything for less than a tenner per child. you would have been able to take them to see Santa

or at least one trip to soft play over the last year

rochenutty · 23/12/2023 16:24

Anyway I budgeted £10-£20 for nephews and nieces for Christmas, which was very do-able,

but you couldn’t stretch to seeing santa as none less than a tenner? and you couldn’t afford one single paid activity for your own children for the entire year?

but “£10-£20 for nephews and nieces for Christmas” is “very do-able”? 😐

Original poster
KylieJennersMakeUpSponge · 23/12/2023 16:37

rochenutty · 23/12/2023 16:24

Anyway I budgeted £10-£20 for nephews and nieces for Christmas, which was very do-able,

but you couldn’t stretch to seeing santa as none less than a tenner? and you couldn’t afford one single paid activity for your own children for the entire year?

but “£10-£20 for nephews and nieces for Christmas” is “very do-able”? 😐

Yes. I budgeted for the small number of nephews and nieces that we buy for (most of whom I’m close to and I would never not buy a present for) and spent anything spare on the Christmas present fund rather than a Santa visit (which my DD is really too old for anyway).

And no I couldn’t afford a paid activity for them. I had one wage coming in, a sick DH and we JUST had coming in what was going out. What else would you have done in that situation? If for example your income was £1600 and your outgoings were £1595 what would you do?

What is the 😐 for?

OP posts:
rochenutty · 23/12/2023 16:43

because i genuinely can’t fathom not being able to afford to spend a tenner (or £20 for 2) on seeing Santa when my children really wanted too… but instead saying £10-20 per niece / nephew is “very doable”

😐 = confused