This is definitely Christmas cheeky fuckery isn’t it?

[KylieJennersMakeUpSponge]

Foreword: yes I’m disorganised as hell and have left presents until the last minute yet again. But it is what it is.

SIL has 3 children - 2 who are now adults in their 20’s and a 9yo.

I have 2 children ages 7&10.

When i came into the family I bought for her kids jointly with DH - I knew them from when they were about 5 & 7. We stopped buying once they both went off to Uni, we felt that adulthood was a good age to stop. We always used to go for about £20 per niece.

Anyway, SIL messaged today to ask for ideas for my kids’ presents. I sent some suggestions all around the £15-£20 mark. I asked about DN aged 9. She sent some computer games all priced at £40.

So it’s been a tough year financially for various reasons, mainly due to DH’s ill health. We’ve told our kids that big extravagant presents like what we’ve given them in years before are a no-no (which they’re fine with) and DH and I aren’t buying for one another as we try and put money into savings so we can pay bills through 2024. we are budgeting to within an inch of our lives and tracking literally every penny as we do not want to get into debt. We are already in debit with our gas company.

Anyway I budgeted £10-£20 for nephews and nieces for Christmas, which was very do-able, we don’t have many. However I begrudge paying £40 and I really did have to say to SIL that it’s out of our budget and can she make some cheaper suggestions, or alternatively I can buy a second hand game from CeX.

She had replied to say that she is surprised as she is spending £40 on our children so it’s fair to spend £40 back. And that Cex only ever gives scratched games (not true, my kids have a Cex-bought PS4 and I buy all their games there, never had a problem and even if I did they do warranties on everything!).

AIBU to think that’s not how it works?!

What really pisses me off more than anything though - and I know this isn’t 9yo DN’s fault - but he is the world’s most spoilt child. He has three computer consoles - a switch, PS5 and an Xbox. He has the fancy VR headsets and all the gadgets and the latest games. They always claim they’re skint but he doesn’t go without - and in my view if he wants a certain game so badly it’s not like his only opportunity to get it is by us buying it for him! At the moment £20 is a lot to us, if I do have a spare £20 kicking about I put it towards the gas bill.

Do AIBU to think SIL is a cheeky fucker? She knows that DH has been off work most of the year and that we have less than we normally do. Or is it the case of it’s fair to spend the same amount in total no matter how many kids the other person has?

Ugh why is this your problem to sort? This is your husband's family and I'm sure you have enough to do.

I would be saying "you're right it's been such a tough year for everyone let's just keep it to token gifts, like selection boxes or similar. Look foward to seeing you all and spending time together..." blah blah blah

Just tell her you're not going to exchange gifts with anyone this year. After all, over time you've spent more on her kids than she has on yours!

OP I hope that whatever has happened this year you can go into 2024 with only happy times.

I understand the struggle, almost
lost my husband to a stroke, money has been tight and we have had to cancel main presents for our 3 children. But we are all so grateful to still be a complete family and that’s all that matters. Sending love to you all xxx

She can’t force you to spend more than what you can.
“I’m sorry we can’t afford this amount this year, I will look out for other options” is a valid answer. Then don’t read any other messages/engage if necessary. You aren’t Santa’s shop 🤷🏼‍♀️

If you want to take your kids to the cinema over xmas and can afford two tickets then I can give you my 2 free tickets from Sky xx

irisgg7
She knows she’s appreciated and we thank and tell her all the time but we don’t/can’t match what she does- she’s a chef and crafty (arts) and whatever we get her plan doesn’t come close because of the actual work she’s put in if you know what I mean? So we buy her presents or vouchers and help her out throughout the year but it’s not the same as someone baking an array of fab stuff, doing up thoughtful books of pictures (as in scrapbooking for us etc). None of it seems enough. We aren’t together Christmas Eve or day but before or afterwards, as in we have dinner, presents etc seperately

just get them a voucher

My son much preferred games from CEX and similar places as he could get two or more games for the price of one brand new one! We've never had a duff one.

cancel the cheque 🙄

Just tell her not to spend £40 on your kids and you need a £20 limit or buy the kids gift cards for the games shop and if they get other Christmas money, they can put the extra.

you know that scene in Harry Potter where the cousin kicks off because he had one less present than last year. That’s basically DN 🙊 he will probably not be happy to not have a game he can’t play then and there.

Goodness me, if a child or young teen in my family kicked off like this, they would be spoken to …

Just say "If we're counting, we've spent £xxx on your children so far, that leaves us £xx in credit, so we won't buy DN anything until the balance is 0."😂

YANBU. I hate this ‘I spend X on you so you have to spend it back’ mentality. Really not what xmas is about is it? If I was her I would have said to you do not worry about a gift - and I’d still had bought you one. You’re family! It shouldn’t be essentially an exchange of identical annual cash!

Glad you got it worked out OP even though he sounds like he doesn't deserve it. I try to tell my sisters all the time they don't need to spend more on mine just because they have more kids, it's not supposed to be a tally chart and I'm def not looking at it like that. Hope you have a great Christmas, you sound like you deserve it after a tough year

Next year don’t ask what he wants. Buy whatever you want within your budget.

Well done - hope you have a lovely Christmas with your children and DH but definitely put a note in your 2024 diary to talk about this in November!

Well, I think she just doesn't get it. Buy him a selection box and a snow globe. Done.

Groan. Another female martyr who can't decide on a course of action and stick to it. No bloody wonder we are 2nd class citizens if we tie ourselves in knots over petty stuff like this.

We get this in our family and its literally drained me this year. We have 10 nieces and nephews but only have one child of our own. I end up spending more on other people's children than I do on my own. We are the poorest in the family by far. I don't really know how to tell them that I'd rather concentrate on my son and not exchange gifts anymore without sounding awful but I'm so done with it.

I wouldn’t normally get involved in this sort of question, but given her cheeky answer, I would put the above in a message- cow!

Ten selection boxes from Poundland. Just say you're paring back for environmental reasons.

I would remind her of the earlier buying for now-adult DC too.

'Argh SIL, we just don't have a pound extra after this year of DH not working - and I don't think it works like that anyway, does it, or you'd owe ME for the years of buying for the older ones And obviously that would be an awful (and fucking nuts) way to live.'

To any young single ladies reading this, don't ever start buying presents for in-laws, leave DH to sort out their own side of the family.....

OP - Get Dudley a Game voucher, personally I would on give £10 and a crappy selection box just out of spite. Who cares what SIL thinks, money is better in your pocket.

Best suggestion! It can go towards maybe a more expensive game they have been eyeing off