This is definitely Christmas cheeky fuckery isn’t it?

[KylieJennersMakeUpSponge]

Foreword: yes I’m disorganised as hell and have left presents until the last minute yet again. But it is what it is.

SIL has 3 children - 2 who are now adults in their 20’s and a 9yo.

I have 2 children ages 7&10.

When i came into the family I bought for her kids jointly with DH - I knew them from when they were about 5 & 7. We stopped buying once they both went off to Uni, we felt that adulthood was a good age to stop. We always used to go for about £20 per niece.

Anyway, SIL messaged today to ask for ideas for my kids’ presents. I sent some suggestions all around the £15-£20 mark. I asked about DN aged 9. She sent some computer games all priced at £40.

So it’s been a tough year financially for various reasons, mainly due to DH’s ill health. We’ve told our kids that big extravagant presents like what we’ve given them in years before are a no-no (which they’re fine with) and DH and I aren’t buying for one another as we try and put money into savings so we can pay bills through 2024. we are budgeting to within an inch of our lives and tracking literally every penny as we do not want to get into debt. We are already in debit with our gas company.

Anyway I budgeted £10-£20 for nephews and nieces for Christmas, which was very do-able, we don’t have many. However I begrudge paying £40 and I really did have to say to SIL that it’s out of our budget and can she make some cheaper suggestions, or alternatively I can buy a second hand game from CeX.

She had replied to say that she is surprised as she is spending £40 on our children so it’s fair to spend £40 back. And that Cex only ever gives scratched games (not true, my kids have a Cex-bought PS4 and I buy all their games there, never had a problem and even if I did they do warranties on everything!).

AIBU to think that’s not how it works?!

What really pisses me off more than anything though - and I know this isn’t 9yo DN’s fault - but he is the world’s most spoilt child. He has three computer consoles - a switch, PS5 and an Xbox. He has the fancy VR headsets and all the gadgets and the latest games. They always claim they’re skint but he doesn’t go without - and in my view if he wants a certain game so badly it’s not like his only opportunity to get it is by us buying it for him! At the moment £20 is a lot to us, if I do have a spare £20 kicking about I put it towards the gas bill.

Do AIBU to think SIL is a cheeky fucker? She knows that DH has been off work most of the year and that we have less than we normally do. Or is it the case of it’s fair to spend the same amount in total no matter how many kids the other person has?

They would get nothing from me after that whole exchange.

Kids don't care if video games are second hand.

We've had relatives who we knew were struggling just buy a £1 room diffuser or hand bake cookies. We didn't expect anything at all, appreciated the gesture, and certainly wouldn't want people to get into debt or be worried about money over the sake of some Christmas presents for us. Who would?

I feel a bit uneasy reading how tight things have been for you this year and that you’re still feeling under all this pressure.

Maybe this year is inescapable but next year I would honestly have a conversation - ahead of time, perhaps in mid November - when you try to re-frame things a bit. Perhaps agree not to give gifts, or only food gifts for the family? Giving a Christmas tree decoration can also work quite well, although perhaps better with smaller children.

This problem will only get worse as DN gets into his teens so I would draw a halt sooner rather than later.

Your SIL is buying for two children so £20+ £20=£40 and you are buying for one so £40. Sounds fair tbh.

That said, we don’t even do kids presents now just a family present. It works well and makes Christmas less about presents and more about being together.

Your DN does sound spoilt and all those computer games and consoles really are no good for him.

@FuckityFuckBollocks so when she had 2 kids and I had none would it have been fair to spend £0 on her kids?

Not being facetious just trying to figure out how it works when someone has no kids!

Agree about the video games though. They can’t figure out why he doesn’t concentrate in school. I think I know why! I’m not gamer shaming but even for a grown adult 3 consoles is excessive!

Our wide family stopped buying for each other’s children years ago as I just became complicated. We just buy for our own which is much easier.

I’d pretend I misunderstood and reply saying ‘you don’t need to spend £40 on each child, A £20 per child budget is absolutely fine which is why I sent the suggestions at around that cost mark. It’s what I always spent on the older two and it’s what we can afford for Dudley so if you haven’t already bought, just stick to the £20. It’s fine.’

But I am passive aggressive when I want to be

Yep, that was my first thought. How quickly she's forgotten that your DH was buying for her older 2 before he had children himself.

Cheeky fucker indeed

I'd refuse the presents she's bought and not give any of them anything.

A £20 console voucher is probably more useful than a game voucher. Most kids seem to have a game that they’d like digital currency on eg Fortnite and I think that a PlayStation or Xbox voucher means being able to buy it without going to a physical shop.

Yanbu to spend £20. Don’t back down

I'd consider knocking the present giving to nieces and nephews on the head for next Christmas, but it's a bit late for that this year now.

You can get playstation vouchers for £20 each in Tesco so I'd do that this year to ensure you stay within budget.

Going forward, just agree with SIL an amount that each of you will give to your children, saying it is from Auntie and Uncle. Then you could work out roughly even.

My sister and I each have three children. Pointless me sending her £60 to split between hers (£20 each) and her sending me the same. So just agree what it will be and give it to them, making clear who it is from.

So does that mean for 5 year you were buying for 3 and she was buying for 1 or 2? What was being spent per child then?

“Ah, I think we’ve misunderstood each other here. We’ve always spent about £20 on each child up to 18, so I just assumed that would continue, hence my ideas to you but honestly, don’t do anything you’re not comfortable with. It’s only one day isn’t it, much more important we’re together :)”

Just do this 👆

Oh Crikey now you’re asking!

So for 8 years I bought her her 2DC. I had 0 children.

Then when my DD was born I bought for her 2 and she bought for my DD

A year later her DS was born so I bought for her 3 and she bought for my 1

2 years after that my DS was born, her eldest went off to Uni. So we bought for 2 kids each.

Then 2 years later her DD2 went to Uni, and since then I’ve bought for her 1 DS and she’s bought for me 2 DC

For next year, I would put a stop to all of this needless spending. I would suggest to your family that for gift giving outside of your immediate family, (spouse and kids), that you all do a Secret Santa and have a set spending amount.

I'd actually copy that list of who was buying what when and send it to her, along with a final sentence that she is being unreasonable and rather mean when the situation has finally meant it's her turn to buy for one extra child, rather than you, and that it's not a good look.,

I'd buy her a book about manner and him a book about gratitude.

Your SIL is being unreasonable. Its not tit for tat. You stuck in your budget.

But late for sorting out Christmas gift idea lists, isn't it?

You are misunderstanding what @youneveractually is saying op.

The trouble is, you asked for suggestions and she gave some. Just buy whatever you want and accept whatever she gives you, thanks how gifts work. No need for all the drama.

This is what you need to point out.

I would get him a voucher or 2nd hand game (whatever you choose) and if there are any complaints from him on Christmas day I would take it back and say 'never mind I'm sure I can find another little boy or girl who will enjoy it' (have done this with a grabby nephew in the past and amazingly he found he did want it after all).
It's obvious to see where your nephew gets his attitude from though.

No need to stress about it or blame the 9 year old. Don’t bother asking what he wants or for her to give ideas. Just spend what you can afford, as others have suggested just buy a £20 game voucher and a selection box.

In future, don't ask for a list of specific items. Ask what he is into/hobbies etc and you can get something to fit his tastes and your budget!