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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I don’t deserve to be called greedy and a thief for this?

600 replies

Lolabear38 · 21/12/2023 03:25

My daughter attends a dance class and has done for over 2 years. She loves it and to date we’ve had no problems or issues. It’s a small set up - one lady who owns it and runs the classes.

She held a Christmas party this year, we all paid $15 for our kids to attend which included a meal deal from a fast food restaurant. The restaurant has a loyalty scheme where you collect points for every order and then get money off future orders.

I volunteered to help at the party and was asked to go and collect the food - no problem. As I was leaving I asked the owner of the dance school if she had an account with the restaurant to collect loyalty points and she said, and I quote - ‘No I don’t have one. I never bother with those things.’ When I picked up the food I scanned my own rewards barcode - in retrospect maybe a bit cheeky but I figured as I’d asked already and the owner didn’t have an account, I may as well collect the points myself.

I got back to the party and while I was out the owner had been talking to one of the other mums about the rewards scheme and she decided she did in fact want to be part of it. She asked me for the receipt so she could collect the points later on and I said sorry, I’d actually collected them myself. She immediately got really angry with me, asked how dare I take them from her, she couldn’t believe how greedy I’d been and I was basically a thief! She also told me I should be ashamed of myself. Apparently she didn’t understand how the rewards scheme works and didn’t realise it could her her money off in future and I should have explained this to her?! This was all said in front of a few other parents who were at the party too. I was so taken aback - I think mainly because it was so public - I quickly collected my daughter and left. Now I’m home I’m mortified to have been so publicly shamed for something I didn’t think would be such a big deal. I also don’t know if I feel comfortable taking my daughter back to the classes after being spoken to like that.

I feel like I should message the owner and apologise for taking the points and explain why I didn’t think it would matter - as far as I thought at the time she didn’t want them and it was a ‘waste not, want not’ situation. But at the same time I think her reaction was really inappropriate (in front of so many other people) and also she had clearly said she didn’t even have an account anyway? I’d really appreciate some other perspectives before I send any messages! Thank you

OP posts:
Friedgreentomatoes1981 · 21/12/2023 18:47

The points weren't the teachers to take either though - you'd all paid for your own children's meals so anyone could've got them! She was incredibly rude.

Mostlyoblivious · 21/12/2023 18:52

So each child’s parent paid £15 each. Those points are not hers. They’re also not yours (well, your child’s portions worth of points are..)

She acted way OTT, you shouldn’t have collected the points as it can be classed as theft however I understand why it wouldn’t have occurred to yourself it was an issue.

she doesn’t sound too stable frankly

Mornusting · 21/12/2023 18:59

@Lolabear38 for those of us not familiar with this points programme what monetary amount are we talking about that you gained?

Bamboobzled · 21/12/2023 19:01

You weren't wrong OP. If you didn't take them then they would have gone to waste! You could always offer the parents about 2 pence back each or whatever it would be. My big issue with the dance teacher is that the whole thing didn't warrant talking to another parent about at all, she could just have asked you when you came over to her. It smacks of childish two faced drama. Some women just love all that but I'm in my 30s and personally would have nothing to do with women like that. Take your daughter to her classes and ignore the teacher . Pay her by bank transfer and never volunteer again.

inamarina · 21/12/2023 19:03

AcrossthePond55 · 21/12/2023 16:50

I'm kind of 'mixed' on this. But I think that when she answered 'No' to "Do you have a loyalty card?" it should have been followed up with "Then you won't mind if I collect the points for myself on my card?". She probably would have said it was fine. Then, when she realized she did want to partake in the loyalty scheme, it would have been too late as she'd already given you permission to take the points for yourself.

Sometimes it IS better to ask for permission than forgiveness.

But why was the dance teacher’s permission required in the first place? The points weren’t hers, OP wasn’t picking up her personal weekly food shop.
If anything, the points belonged to all the people who had contributed. Why ask specifically the teacher for permission?

MamaDee22 · 21/12/2023 19:04

Slight side note, it may be worth checking how this dance teacher treats older students. If your little ones decides to keep at it, I'd say its likely she's one of those dance teachers that shouts/screams at students for a single millisecond out of step.
I've been there and it's something that made me fall out of love with dance until I changed teacher

RethinkingLife · 21/12/2023 19:05

Mornusting · 21/12/2023 18:59

@Lolabear38 for those of us not familiar with this points programme what monetary amount are we talking about that you gained?

The actual monetary value of points tends to be negligible. But if it's something like McD, it's a point per penny or cent (the OP wrote in dollar amounts). So - I asked earlier how many orders there were or the total value as that would indicate the number of points.

You can read about what you can redeem for various lots of points here.

1500 Points
Choose your McDonald's item, whether you’re craving a McChicken® (Regular or Hot ‘N Spicy), Hash Browns, Vanilla Cone or our classic Cheeseburger.
…
6000 Points
Save up your points and you could get a Big Mac®, Quarter Pounder® with Cheese, Happy Meal® or Bacon, Egg & Cheese Biscuit!*

https://www.mcdonalds.com/us/en-us/mymcdonalds.html

Apparently, discounts on future orders might be available. (I've no idea if this is more generous than the UK version or comparable.)

MyMcDonald's® Rewards: Get Free Food & Deals | McDonalds

MyMcDonald's® Rewards is our McDonald's Loyalty Program available on the McDonald's app. Get food discounts and loyalty rewards using McDonald's points.

https://www.mcdonalds.com/us/en-us/mymcdonalds.html

inamarina · 21/12/2023 19:08

Dora33 · 21/12/2023 13:54

You should never have used the points. If you really felt they were going to waste, you should have asked first. Putting in your email, you didn't ask as it was busy, comes across as an excuse.
I frequently volunteer in a group situation where I buy items from a shop and then get the money back when everyone has paid. I have never used my loyalty card except when I have a discount voucher and the voucher reduces the cost for the group.
I don't think you should have included the lines 'argueablely about the other parents....' That will most likely annoy the teacher further and is bringing the other parents into the issue.
Though the teacher was out of order and this was not acceptable behaviour. I don't think your email will calm things down.

I frequently volunteer in a group situation where I buy items from a shop and then get the money back when everyone has paid. I have never used my loyalty card

Why not though? Who do you think you’d be stealing the points from?

MummyJ36 · 21/12/2023 19:13

I’m waiting to see what the response is!

I agree if you hadn’t checked in advance then pocketing the points wouldn’t have been appropriate, however the fact that she initially said she didn’t have a card definitely then opened the door to someone else collecting them.

Royaly82 · 21/12/2023 19:17

Why should she get the points? I thought YOU (the parents paid)! If she paid for the whole meal fair enough but they belong to whoever paid surely?!

MeMySonAnd1 · 21/12/2023 19:19

She has no right to make a fuss about that after she said she didn’t bother with those things. Much less so after you were the nice person to go and collect the stuff on her behalf.

inamarina · 21/12/2023 19:23

Mostlyoblivious · 21/12/2023 18:52

So each child’s parent paid £15 each. Those points are not hers. They’re also not yours (well, your child’s portions worth of points are..)

She acted way OTT, you shouldn’t have collected the points as it can be classed as theft however I understand why it wouldn’t have occurred to yourself it was an issue.

she doesn’t sound too stable frankly

it can be classed as theft

Who are the points stolen from though? Possibly from some of the other parents if they too were in possession of a loyalty card.
They could have gone with the OP though if they wanted to collect their points?

AlbatrosStrike · 21/12/2023 19:25

technically the owner had no more right to them than me as the parents had all paid for the meals, not her.

Exactly this. If anything, you had more right to the points as you’d contributed to the cost of the food and she hadn’t.

Do not feel bad, OP. You did the right thing. She was a CF for even asking, but an absolute AH for going off at you in front of the other parents.

In your place, I’d work out the monetary value of the points (no more than £2-3 I suspect) and give it to her in front of everyone with an over the top apology for her distress. But I’m petty 😄

Definitely don’t take your daughter to her classes again.

AcrossthePond55 · 21/12/2023 19:26

Goodlard · 21/12/2023 18:05

I'd argue that the teacher retrospectively decided she'd steal the points by asking for the receipt. The intent to steal was certainly there.

But the teachers right to steal you seem to think was ok?

Show quote history

Now you're just being silly. Not sure what you're trying to 'trap' me into saying. I've stated my feelings on the facts of the OP . Not going to get into hypotheticals or arguing someone's 'retrospective intentions'.

Have a happy day. I certainly intend to.

Carpediemmakeitcount · 21/12/2023 19:28

You will probably get a new response next week or in the new year. I wouldn't hide stand your ground and now she knows where you stand. If it was me I would be embarrassed if I did that Infront of my students and parents. She is meant to be a teacher and role model.

GreyTS · 21/12/2023 19:33

kimchio · 21/12/2023 07:09

They were her points to waste really. I'd have asked her if she minded if you collected them.

I think you've misunderstood, how were they they hers to waste, she didn't pay for the food, the OP and the other parents did. Can you explain why you think they should be hers?

oakleaffy · 21/12/2023 19:34

PieAndLattes · 21/12/2023 03:54

If she didn’t collect the points they’d just have gone to waste, surely? They’re worth what - a pound or two at most? The OP went to collect the food using her time and petrol. The other woman doesn’t even have an account and has no more right to the points than the OP but was specifically asking for them for herself. I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong, OP.

If it goes any further just say what you’ve said here - the owner didn’t want them and they’d have gone to waste otherwise. You might want to say, ‘You should go and get the food next time and then you can collect the points’.

Absolutely this.
I didn't used to have a store card, so allowed a friend to take my points.

Ghostface333 · 21/12/2023 19:39

If I were you I’d be really petty, work out what a point is worth in monetary value and send it back to her (preferably in lose change). Assuming it’ll be 50p or something ridiculous. Should make her feel suitably embarrassed. Then don’t take your daughter back there

Emmadowns · 21/12/2023 19:40

WavingCatsandDogs · 21/12/2023 03:49

You asked her about collecting points, she DECLINED, you were volunteering and she kicked off. Totally unprofessional on her part and in public? What, the points were worth more than your custom and her reputation? Very shortsighted.

DO NOT feel bad.

I would say the same thing.
If you want your daughter to go back I'd message her and just say sorry for the confusion but I thought you'd declined the points ..etc
If you don't want your daughter to go back I'd just leave it

ReflectiveRogue1001 · 21/12/2023 19:44

A bit late to the thread.

Reeeeealllly need to see the reply now
That email was fabulous

Tohaveandtohold · 21/12/2023 19:45

I think your response was good. Let’s see what her reply is. I don’t think you are in the wrong, you asked her out of courtesy and she said no, why will she think she’s entitled to the loyalty points when it was the parents that paid for it. I wouldn’t want my child in her class anymore after this to be honest as if she can’t control her temper in public, who knows what her temperament will be with the children who can’t challenge her

Rosscameasdoody · 21/12/2023 19:53

Grammarnut · 21/12/2023 17:37

It's the OP who must apologise. She stole something. Personally, I'd cringe to be in her position. Awful. To have acted in such a way would make me want to hide away in shame. The points were not hers. She put them on her card. That is stealing however small the amount. She needs to apologise. And she will probably need to find a new dance teacher for her DC because that dance teacher is highly unlikely to have that child back and there is also no way back for what the OP has done.

Show quote history

No. She didn’t steal anything. She asked, and the teacher indicated she didn’t have an account so the OP put them on her card to avoid them being lost. And the points didn’t belong to the teacher either did they ? Because the parents contributed so technically they should have been shared between them. And the OP was volunteering her time and petrol, so instead of acting like a twat in front of the other parents, the teacher should have got a grip and factored this in. The teacher should apologise to the op, but frankly if it was me I’d be finding another dance instructor.

BasiliskStare · 21/12/2023 19:55

Gordon Bennett - If Dance teacher is so arsed off - work it out and give her what the points are worth. I suspect it isn't worth it. As Others have said eg I have a Tesco Clubcard - which I like because It gives actual money off , but occasionally in the queue where people have not realised the big yellow price is only with a club card I have reached over and scanned my card - they get the discount , I get the points. Let me tell you the points vouchers are nice when they arrive but nothing nothing like the amount we spend in our local Tesco

I think the main point here is that Dance Teacher sounds a bit unreasonable and screechy and so is OP happy for DD to stay in her classes - which is why I would work out how much the points were worth and tell Dance teacher. & offer to give back the cash for next event. If DD is happy at the class then I would do what I could to keep the peace.

theconfidenceofwho · 21/12/2023 20:01

AlbatrosStrike · 21/12/2023 19:25

technically the owner had no more right to them than me as the parents had all paid for the meals, not her.

Exactly this. If anything, you had more right to the points as you’d contributed to the cost of the food and she hadn’t.

Do not feel bad, OP. You did the right thing. She was a CF for even asking, but an absolute AH for going off at you in front of the other parents.

In your place, I’d work out the monetary value of the points (no more than £2-3 I suspect) and give it to her in front of everyone with an over the top apology for her distress. But I’m petty 😄

Definitely don’t take your daughter to her classes again.

This!

LanaL · 21/12/2023 20:02

Did the owner pay for all the food ? If so then I get that she should have had the points - but you asked if she had the app and she said no so there was absolutely no harm in getting them ! They were going to go to waste !

If it was money others had given to her then she has a damn cheek! She’s calling you a thief because she’s angry that she wants to do the exact same thing as you - except you are the one who has done the work here , you went to get the food using your petrol !

It’s a misunderstanding, you are not a thief and she has been extremely unprofessional!

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