Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I don’t deserve to be called greedy and a thief for this?

600 replies

Lolabear38 · 21/12/2023 03:25

My daughter attends a dance class and has done for over 2 years. She loves it and to date we’ve had no problems or issues. It’s a small set up - one lady who owns it and runs the classes.

She held a Christmas party this year, we all paid $15 for our kids to attend which included a meal deal from a fast food restaurant. The restaurant has a loyalty scheme where you collect points for every order and then get money off future orders.

I volunteered to help at the party and was asked to go and collect the food - no problem. As I was leaving I asked the owner of the dance school if she had an account with the restaurant to collect loyalty points and she said, and I quote - ‘No I don’t have one. I never bother with those things.’ When I picked up the food I scanned my own rewards barcode - in retrospect maybe a bit cheeky but I figured as I’d asked already and the owner didn’t have an account, I may as well collect the points myself.

I got back to the party and while I was out the owner had been talking to one of the other mums about the rewards scheme and she decided she did in fact want to be part of it. She asked me for the receipt so she could collect the points later on and I said sorry, I’d actually collected them myself. She immediately got really angry with me, asked how dare I take them from her, she couldn’t believe how greedy I’d been and I was basically a thief! She also told me I should be ashamed of myself. Apparently she didn’t understand how the rewards scheme works and didn’t realise it could her her money off in future and I should have explained this to her?! This was all said in front of a few other parents who were at the party too. I was so taken aback - I think mainly because it was so public - I quickly collected my daughter and left. Now I’m home I’m mortified to have been so publicly shamed for something I didn’t think would be such a big deal. I also don’t know if I feel comfortable taking my daughter back to the classes after being spoken to like that.

I feel like I should message the owner and apologise for taking the points and explain why I didn’t think it would matter - as far as I thought at the time she didn’t want them and it was a ‘waste not, want not’ situation. But at the same time I think her reaction was really inappropriate (in front of so many other people) and also she had clearly said she didn’t even have an account anyway? I’d really appreciate some other perspectives before I send any messages! Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
Lolabear38 · 21/12/2023 13:41

Sorry for the radio silence, Christmas visitors arrived earlier so only just getting a chance to catch up!

Since my OP I’ve been thinking about it a lot and decided to send an email very similar to what many of you have suggested but I actually used @Janieforever as a template:

‘Dear (dance teacher’s name) I was very disappointed and upset about the episode today and to be publicly called a thief and greedy by you. I specially asked if you had an account to collect the points for the party food in advance, and you said you didn’t. As such, my only thought in the restaurant was not to let them go to waste. I could have checked with you at the time to make sure it was ok to collect them myself but as it was in the middle of the party and everyone was clearly busy I didn’t. I would make sure I did this in future (though to be honest I doubt I’ll be volunteering to do something like this again after today!).

Arguably the points in question belong to each parent, as they are the ones who have paid for their children’s food. I am happy to bring a gift for sharing for all the kids to the same value to make sure everyone benefits.

Finally, I feel your reaction was totally disproportionate to the event, and I’m particularly upset that you thought it ok to speak to me like that in front of the other parents when I was giving up my time to help you. I would have been happy to have had a private discussion with you about this which would have been much more appropriate rather than being shamed in front of the others.’

Currently awaiting a response… I’ll let you know what happens. I’ve also had a couple of messages from other parents at the party to check I’m ok after seeing what happened!

OP posts:
Montegufoni2017 · 21/12/2023 13:42

I can’t see how you’ve done anything wrong. Like what the hell is her problem?! I’d be outraged. She doesn’t need an apology from you, like what could you even apologise for. Sorry you didn’t understand or care at the time but now you do you’re annoyed… that’s not on you!!! What a horrible shame after years of loyalty to her business and a shame for your daughter cause no way should you contribute to her income or trust your daughter with her now

Original poster
Lolabear38 · 21/12/2023 13:42

Sorry that should say used what @Janieforever wrote as a template!

OP posts:
GonksAreNotJustForChristmas · 21/12/2023 13:46

Currently awaiting a response… I’ll let you know what happens. I’ve also had a couple of messages from other parents at the party to check I’m ok after seeing what happened!

I'm so glad you've had a couple of messages of support and that you've sent the email.

The teacher has embarrassed herself.

Mrgrinch · 21/12/2023 13:46

She sounds crazy and she owes you an apology.

Dora33 · 21/12/2023 13:54

You should never have used the points. If you really felt they were going to waste, you should have asked first. Putting in your email, you didn't ask as it was busy, comes across as an excuse.
I frequently volunteer in a group situation where I buy items from a shop and then get the money back when everyone has paid. I have never used my loyalty card except when I have a discount voucher and the voucher reduces the cost for the group.
I don't think you should have included the lines 'argueablely about the other parents....' That will most likely annoy the teacher further and is bringing the other parents into the issue.
Though the teacher was out of order and this was not acceptable behaviour. I don't think your email will calm things down.

MargotBamborough · 21/12/2023 13:56

Dora33 · 21/12/2023 13:54

You should never have used the points. If you really felt they were going to waste, you should have asked first. Putting in your email, you didn't ask as it was busy, comes across as an excuse.
I frequently volunteer in a group situation where I buy items from a shop and then get the money back when everyone has paid. I have never used my loyalty card except when I have a discount voucher and the voucher reduces the cost for the group.
I don't think you should have included the lines 'argueablely about the other parents....' That will most likely annoy the teacher further and is bringing the other parents into the issue.
Though the teacher was out of order and this was not acceptable behaviour. I don't think your email will calm things down.

Well, she did ask, in that she asked the teacher if she wanted to collect the points and the teacher said no.

Which was a courtesy, really, since the teacher was no more entitled to the points than anyone else.

Swishswish26 · 21/12/2023 14:00

It is so petty of the dance teacher to call you out on collecting the loyalty points, especially after you asked her and she said no.l and that you were helping her out.
I really hope she gets back to you with an apology for embarrassing you in front of the other parents.

GonksAreNotJustForChristmas · 21/12/2023 14:10

@Dora33 who cares if she is going to annoy the teacher further, OP isn't one of her pupils. The points weren't hers either. I don't understand how anyone would behave like the teacher and I also don't understand why some posters think OP did anything wrong. I'm an honest person but if there were points going and batshit teacher had said she didn't want them then why wouldn't you tap your card. It's hardly the crime of the century.

SpiralDiderotEffect · 21/12/2023 14:16

@Lolabear38 don’t think you were being unreasonable.

Sometimes in the supermarket queue if the person ahead of me doesn’t have a points card I’m so tempted to say could I scan mine 😁 ?

No, I have never actually done it but always think what a waste 😉

If it hasn’t been suggested already perhaps you can get her a voucher worth the points for the restaurant in question and throw in a few quid extra.

Assuming you are continuing the dance lessons you will be meeting this lady frequently.

Serenitymummy · 21/12/2023 14:28

I think I'd have been tempted to send that message in a group chat with all the other parents to see it. But ultimately I wouldn't want my daughter going back to that class either as she might be awful to her in a passive aggressive way towards you. Leave and never look back! Find your daughter a different class

Fraaahnces · 21/12/2023 14:30

If you don’t get a timely response then share what you wrote with the class!

CandyLeBonBon · 21/12/2023 14:36

Lolabear38 · 21/12/2023 13:41

Sorry for the radio silence, Christmas visitors arrived earlier so only just getting a chance to catch up!

Since my OP I’ve been thinking about it a lot and decided to send an email very similar to what many of you have suggested but I actually used @Janieforever as a template:

‘Dear (dance teacher’s name) I was very disappointed and upset about the episode today and to be publicly called a thief and greedy by you. I specially asked if you had an account to collect the points for the party food in advance, and you said you didn’t. As such, my only thought in the restaurant was not to let them go to waste. I could have checked with you at the time to make sure it was ok to collect them myself but as it was in the middle of the party and everyone was clearly busy I didn’t. I would make sure I did this in future (though to be honest I doubt I’ll be volunteering to do something like this again after today!).

Arguably the points in question belong to each parent, as they are the ones who have paid for their children’s food. I am happy to bring a gift for sharing for all the kids to the same value to make sure everyone benefits.

Finally, I feel your reaction was totally disproportionate to the event, and I’m particularly upset that you thought it ok to speak to me like that in front of the other parents when I was giving up my time to help you. I would have been happy to have had a private discussion with you about this which would have been much more appropriate rather than being shamed in front of the others.’

Currently awaiting a response… I’ll let you know what happens. I’ve also had a couple of messages from other parents at the party to check I’m ok after seeing what happened!

Well done op - I hope she apologises!

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 21/12/2023 14:37

LaurieStrode · 21/12/2023 03:47

This. She's batshit.

Show quote history

I agree - you offered her the chance to take them and you would be foolish just to leave them to go to waste.

Why wasn’t she grateful to you for helping out?

SparklyMularky · 21/12/2023 14:38

SpiralDiderotEffect · 21/12/2023 14:16

@Lolabear38 don’t think you were being unreasonable.

Sometimes in the supermarket queue if the person ahead of me doesn’t have a points card I’m so tempted to say could I scan mine 😁 ?

No, I have never actually done it but always think what a waste 😉

If it hasn’t been suggested already perhaps you can get her a voucher worth the points for the restaurant in question and throw in a few quid extra.

Assuming you are continuing the dance lessons you will be meeting this lady frequently.

Me too! I was once sheepishly asked for the use of my Clubcard due to the discount with it. Made my day, of course you bloody can my dear, I said!

CasperGutman · 21/12/2023 15:04

I don't think everyone saying the OP was wrong/cheeky to take the points is thinking about this logically.

The dance leader was offered the opportunity to have the points and declined it. Apparently not only did she not have a card for this particular restaurant but in general she "never bothers" with loyalty schemes.

Theft is a crime because it harms others, by depriving them of something. As far as I'm aware very few loyalty schemes let you add points from a receipt later anyway, so if OP hadn't used her card the points would have vanished (or rather, would never have been created in the first place). Nobody was deprived of anything, and if OP acted otherwise there would likely have been nothing for them to be deprived of anyway.

To object to the OP collecting the points when she was the only person who could do so and they would vanish otherwise makes as much sense as blaming her for enjoying the background music in the restaurant while she was there collecting the food. Neither the dance leader nor the other parents were in a position to benefit. OP was, because she'd volunteered to give up her time, fuel etc. to fetch the food.

purplehue · 21/12/2023 15:07

SpiralDiderotEffect · 21/12/2023 14:16

@Lolabear38 don’t think you were being unreasonable.

Sometimes in the supermarket queue if the person ahead of me doesn’t have a points card I’m so tempted to say could I scan mine 😁 ?

No, I have never actually done it but always think what a waste 😉

If it hasn’t been suggested already perhaps you can get her a voucher worth the points for the restaurant in question and throw in a few quid extra.

Assuming you are continuing the dance lessons you will be meeting this lady frequently.

I've had some ask to use my points card in Tesco as they didn't have one and wanted the Clubcard price. Win for both of us 😉

So feel free in the supermarket to ask to swipe yours as it could save them money 😁

MeridaBrave · 21/12/2023 15:10

Should have just say - I checked with you before I claimed them and you said no. However happy to use these points towards future dance school activities. She is insane.

Datafan55 · 21/12/2023 15:15

SpiralDiderotEffect · 21/12/2023 14:16

@Lolabear38 don’t think you were being unreasonable.

Sometimes in the supermarket queue if the person ahead of me doesn’t have a points card I’m so tempted to say could I scan mine 😁 ?

No, I have never actually done it but always think what a waste 😉

If it hasn’t been suggested already perhaps you can get her a voucher worth the points for the restaurant in question and throw in a few quid extra.

Assuming you are continuing the dance lessons you will be meeting this lady frequently.

I have done that a few times when people have said they don't have a loyalty card.
I'd hate to think they were all cursing the stranger with messy hair by the time they got home as they could have opened an account themselves!!

notanothernana · 21/12/2023 15:48

Icouldbehappy · 21/12/2023 03:43

I’d have collected the points. You used your car and time to go and collect the food.
Tell her to fuck off.
She had her chance.

Spot on.

stichguru · 21/12/2023 15:49

Not cheeky at all. If the owner doesn't have a loyalty card, then she clearly won't use the points, because she hasn't gone enough to know about or want the card. Taking something that is going to waste is rarely cheeky.

MarkWithaC · 21/12/2023 15:56

YANBU. She's a loon and calling you a thief is slanderous. Your email is much more conciliatory than I would be; I'd request an apology to the whole group and a retraction of the 'thief' comment. And I wouldn't take my child to the class any more.

Doteycat · 21/12/2023 15:57

I'd be sending her a solicitors letter for the accusations.
She would not get off lightly with doing that to me in public.
She's in charge of small children? Not for much longer if I had my way.

Jk8 · 21/12/2023 16:21

Having just re-read the original message about her being the teacher I would absolutely withdraw my child & make it clear to her your not funding a fucking psychopath also message the other parents of children your daughters close too in order to make plans for meet ups outside & let them know about the unprofessional behavour

AcrossthePond55 · 21/12/2023 16:50

I'm kind of 'mixed' on this. But I think that when she answered 'No' to "Do you have a loyalty card?" it should have been followed up with "Then you won't mind if I collect the points for myself on my card?". She probably would have said it was fine. Then, when she realized she did want to partake in the loyalty scheme, it would have been too late as she'd already given you permission to take the points for yourself.

Sometimes it IS better to ask for permission than forgiveness.