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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Death by road accident, would you want to know what happened

142 replies

hollyivy123 · 20/12/2023 21:56

NC for this. I witnessed an accident in the summer of a motorcyclist v. car. It happened right in front of me and my son when we were driving back from a break in the UK. We were one car behind the car which was impacted so were very nearly involved in it. After the initial shock of witnessing the motorcyclist who was on the wrong side of the road crash into the car we sat stunned for about a minute then I got out and went to help the motorcyclist who needed CPR. Unfortunately he didn't make it. It was all very traumatic for us and totally for the partner who has been left behind. Through social media I have worked out who she is as she posted on the local police page about the accident, though she has no idea who I am and that I helped her partner in his last moments. I wonder if it would bring any comfort to her to know who I am, or whether it's best she never knows. The police apparently told her that he was given CPR by the side of the road as she's said it on facebook that she's grateful for whoever did it. What would you want if it was your partner? Would you want to know who that person was? I wouldn't want to trigger her, but yet on the other side I think her knowing i'm also a HCP it might bring her comfort somehow? Or would I be disrupting her grieving process to contact her a few months after the event and particularly at christmas. I'm not planning to without putting serious thought into it, but I was interested in what other people's thoughts were thanks. I've put the voting very simply, don't read too much into that, just vote as you think.
YABU - Don't contact her
YANBU- Contact her

OP posts:
cezannesapple · 20/12/2023 21:57

I think I’d like to know.

Sunshineclouds11 · 20/12/2023 21:58

I think I'd like to know also

MojoMoon · 20/12/2023 21:59

Given the circumstances of the death, there will be a coroner's inquiry that you could be asked to give evidence at.

I am no expert but you perhaps you should check if there is anything inappropriate legally about speaking to her ahead of a coroner's inquiry?

RandomButtons · 20/12/2023 22:00

I think seeing that you gave cpr, were the last person there for him, it might bring her some comfort, but don’t expect anything of contacting her. Grief is a strange thing and she might not acknowledge your message beyond a quick thanks you because it’s too painful.

FlyingCherub · 20/12/2023 22:00

I think the Police would have told her all that she needed to know, and if an inquest was held then how he died would have been disclosed during this.

Canthave2manycats · 20/12/2023 22:00

I think I might like to know but as the poster above said, check out the legalities.

I also think I'd wait until after Christmas.

Must have been traumatic for you to witness x

mynameiscalypso · 20/12/2023 22:01

Yes, I'd want to know. But I wouldn't want to know 4 days before Christmas.

AlwaysFreezing · 20/12/2023 22:01

I don't think direct contact is the way to do this. I'd contact the police (did you have liaison officer?) and say that you'd like to get in touch and ask them to let their know.

Hope you're OK. You may need to process some of this without her. How are you working through it all? Hope your son is OK. Flowers and you.

FaiIureToLunch · 20/12/2023 22:01

There are so many unknowns a in a shocking death like that. Anything you can tell her will bring her comfort provided it’s done in a sensitive manner.

A few months is nothing at all in grief terms. Tread carefully but contact her, yes.

35965a · 20/12/2023 22:01

Maybe you could contact the police and ask their liaison to pass on your details if she wants them? I’m not sure I would contact her directly.

LongtimeLurker123 · 20/12/2023 22:02

My husband was killed in a road accident a couple of years ago. I was told at the time that someone passing stopped and gave him CPR. It was kind of them to try, but it did not work. The person never contacted me and to be honest, although I am grateful to them, I am not sure I would want to be contacted. I definitely would not want to be told any more details about the accident. This is just me, of course, other people might want to know.

HappyToSmile · 20/12/2023 22:02

I'd not. She knows he was given cpr at the scene by kind members of the public. If you contact her to tell her, she will know nothing new

Prawncurry · 20/12/2023 22:03

Knowing that a HCP tried her best would give me some comfort if I were her. Exactly when to reveal that information needs to be considered.

Darkenergy · 20/12/2023 22:05

I lost my partner traumatically (not rta). Having met many fellow widows and widowers I think most (but not all) want as much information about what happened as possible. It even formed part of a structured exercise I did in counselling (writing out what I knew of his death, what I wished I knew, what was not knowable and so on). Definitely not disruptive to grieving, which is far from a linear process anyway. Believe me, they will have played it over in their mind thousands of times.

You should get in touch but be open-minded, there is a possibility they may not want to engage or it may be too soon for them - they might come back to you in later months or even years. They may ask questions you don't expect or seem morbid or gruesome.

Please wait until the new year though, Christmas is the worst time of year for me and I'm a few years in, I couldn't deal with this type of approach at this time of year.

XmasPartyhat · 20/12/2023 22:06

As well intentioned as this is, there may well be legal issues with this if there was to be a coroner's inquest or any subsequent legal investigation/trial. You're technically a legal witness.

Contact the Police Liaison officer if you know who that is and ask if they can pass your details on.

flibbertigiblets · 20/12/2023 22:06

My brother died in a car crash. We knew the people who were first on the scene from his childhood. It was a horribly fitting coincidence it was that particular lady that was there. She delivered a sympathy card by hand and I ran out to try and speak to her but she scurried off. I figured she was possibly too traumatised and didn’t want to relive what she saw. That broke me. We only had the info from police and inquest. I wish we had had the more human side of the story if you know what I mean.

If it were me I would make contact. More from a “I was there, I’m so sorry for your loss” perspective and maybe leave it up to her to ask. If she wants to know I imagine she would jump on the contact and ask you what happened.

Hopful123 · 20/12/2023 22:06

I agree with other PP’s that you should try and start with going through the police liaison officer. They can ask her if she’d like to know, give her some time to consider it and then decide. If you contact her directly she doesn’t get that choice.

you sound very considerate and I’d be in the same position as you, but some people may not want to know, given the grief they are going through.

flibbertigiblets · 20/12/2023 22:07

Agree with after Christmas/New Year though. That will be hard enough.

LongtimeLurker123 · 20/12/2023 22:07

Hopful123 · 20/12/2023 22:06

I agree with other PP’s that you should try and start with going through the police liaison officer. They can ask her if she’d like to know, give her some time to consider it and then decide. If you contact her directly she doesn’t get that choice.

you sound very considerate and I’d be in the same position as you, but some people may not want to know, given the grief they are going through.

I think this is very good advice. If the person who helped my husband had wanted to contact me, I would have wanted them to go through the police liaison officers so that I could think about it and decide.

auburnglow788 · 20/12/2023 22:09

She knows that her partner received CPR and she is now approximately 4 months into the grieving process - I cannot see any benefit of her knowing who gave him the CPR.

Lifeasiknowitisout · 20/12/2023 22:09

I think she would probably like to know who was with him.

But absolutely don’t do it just before Christmas. Police liaison, if that’s possible, seems like the best idea.

Consideringachange2023 · 20/12/2023 22:12

I don’t think there is going to be a consensus here OP because it is such a personal and sensitive topic. Personally I would want someone to reach out, so I could put a face to the details, frame it in my mind better and I feel it would give me some comfort. However I can totally appreciate that the next person may feel the absolute opposite and really rather never have any details or information.

I wouldn’t do it before Christmas and I would do it in writing, which gives her the opportunity to digest before potentially replying. As others have suggested, it could be best to provide your contact details via police liaison.

This must be traumatic and so sad for all involved.

NCGrandParent · 20/12/2023 22:13

If you're an HCP, I wouldn't speak to her in advance if an inquest and would speak to my union first.

10HailMarys · 20/12/2023 22:16

I think your wish to contact her might be more about closure for you than for her, and as such I wouldn’t contact her directly. Go through the police as a PP suggested and then it’s up to her to decide.

I personally wouldn’t want to be contacted.

Original poster
hollyivy123 · 20/12/2023 22:20

Okay so to answer a few questions - I would absolutely not do it before christmas I think that goes without saying. The inquest has already been held, I wasn't called as a witness thankfully, I live about 4 counties away from where it happened, gave a police statement from the side of the road (we were there about 4 hours) and then we drove home. I think the police probably focussed on other witnesses who witnessed his driving before the accident as that was more evidence for them. My evidence was pretty undeniable. His funeral has been held and it's all over. I would no way contact her around christmas, maybe some time into early January if I were to do it. I don't know if it would bring her comfort or not. It was me and him for a few minutes at the side of the road. It does haunt me a bit. In some ways I think it might trigger me to get in contact but my heart thinks it might be a really important thing to do. Being left without closure and comfort can be really hard for the person grieving. My son is okay thankyou for people asking but it has gone down there as one of the most traumatic events of summer and feels stamped on our memories. I hope the partner is okay and his family.

OP posts:
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