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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Death by road accident, would you want to know what happened

142 replies

hollyivy123 · 20/12/2023 21:56

NC for this. I witnessed an accident in the summer of a motorcyclist v. car. It happened right in front of me and my son when we were driving back from a break in the UK. We were one car behind the car which was impacted so were very nearly involved in it. After the initial shock of witnessing the motorcyclist who was on the wrong side of the road crash into the car we sat stunned for about a minute then I got out and went to help the motorcyclist who needed CPR. Unfortunately he didn't make it. It was all very traumatic for us and totally for the partner who has been left behind. Through social media I have worked out who she is as she posted on the local police page about the accident, though she has no idea who I am and that I helped her partner in his last moments. I wonder if it would bring any comfort to her to know who I am, or whether it's best she never knows. The police apparently told her that he was given CPR by the side of the road as she's said it on facebook that she's grateful for whoever did it. What would you want if it was your partner? Would you want to know who that person was? I wouldn't want to trigger her, but yet on the other side I think her knowing i'm also a HCP it might bring her comfort somehow? Or would I be disrupting her grieving process to contact her a few months after the event and particularly at christmas. I'm not planning to without putting serious thought into it, but I was interested in what other people's thoughts were thanks. I've put the voting very simply, don't read too much into that, just vote as you think.
YABU - Don't contact her
YANBU- Contact her

OP posts:
HerMammy · 21/12/2023 00:09

My DP was in your position and the police asked him afterwards if they could give his details to the family , he said yes and received a card thanking him for his efforts and it meant a lot to know he wasn't alone.
I really wouldn't contact her direct, it's not appropriate, she knows people tried to help and if she wanted your details she could ask the police.

Original poster
hollyivy123 · 21/12/2023 00:21

Thanks for all your responses it's a difficult but interesting debate and obviously personalised to the person who has lost so there's no easy answer, but it helped to post it anonymously anyway thankyou

OP posts:
Dontgivemeplants · 21/12/2023 00:27

Of course I'd like to know. It would be a treasured conversation for the rest of my life. Meet her for a coffee. Jeeezus, why wouldn't you

Strawberryjams · 21/12/2023 00:31

I’m so sorry that you and your son had to witness something like this. It must be extremely difficult for you too especially as you did everything you could. I agree with the suggestions of doing so via the police. That way if she declines that’s fine, you tried. A message popping up can’t be unseen and may upset her. I think I would want to know because a HCP giving CPR means they had the best person available not someone who had no knowledge. I think that would give me some peace but as I haven’t been through it I can’t say for certain.

theduchessofspork · 21/12/2023 00:40

I don’t think you should contact her

I’m very grateful to the person who helped my sibling in a similar circumstance but ultimately there’s no insight you can give her and it would be intrusive.

What you could do is let the police know that you’d be happy to be contacted by her if she wishes.

This has naturally weighed on you OP, but I think it would be better to work on leaving it behind (with some professional help if necessary) rather than seek to involve yourself in it further.

Wordsareimportant · 21/12/2023 00:50

My dad was hit by a van when on his motorcycle. Thankfully he is still alive but suffered a life changing stroke and is now paralysed and lost his speech.

1 person came forward with a statement (he saw the ‘after’ but not what happened) - the incident was on a roundabout during rush hour so there I’m 99% sure other people saw. No one else said anything at all.

i was so grateful to the man that contacted us to say he helped. It was lovely to know that in my dad’s time of need, there was a friendly caring person there to help.

if I were you, I’d message. even if it is for a ‘selfish’ reason - you might get closure from it and that’s not selfish in my opinion.

DGHZ · 21/12/2023 00:56

What about sending her a little plant or something with a note saying you’re so sorry for her loss and say you’re the HCP who was with her partner at the end. Just don’t give away any info she doesn’t already know in the brief note. Leave it open ended and if she wants to contact you she’ll message you for more information. I think most people probably would want to know, sometimes it is better just being swamped with it at all at the time, even if it is traumatic. At least that way you’re not partially trying to get your life back together then finding out another little piece of information and having it floor you again ☹️ I think it will be of comfort though

Grumpyat40 · 21/12/2023 01:11

My partner was a motorcyclist involved in a serious accident last year. Luckily he survived, despite his serious injuries because of the people who were first on the scene who helped him. An othopaedic surgeon, an anaesthetist and nurse. The orthopaedic surgeon called the ICU of the hospital he was taken to and I was able to speak to him, thank him profusely and update him on my partners condition. I asked for their contact details and my partner was able to contact them himself several months later.

We have never been able to find the nurse. The Police did not have her details or any note of her. It was her who called me from his phone. Despite the fact I now have serious anxiety when my phone rings, and NZ accents can trigger me (the nurse had a strong NZ accent) I would still like to hear from her so we can thank her. Knowing my partner wasn't alone, and was in safe hands is comforting.

Obviously the outcome was very different in your scenario, but I think their partner would want to hear from the person who tried to help them - although I'd avoid the details.

DeeLusional · 21/12/2023 01:21

You have had a very traumatic experience and I think this desire to get in touch is more about you than it is about the bereaved, perhaps to try to make sense of it by knowing more about the deceased with whom you shared a very intense intimate experience. You have already seen his partner's social media - don't you think if she wanted contact with you, she would have made it known there? I think you need counselling to help you deal with this. Good luck x

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 21/12/2023 01:27

If I were you, I wouldn't do this unless you are prepared to lie, like a "he wasn't in pain" kind of lie.

Itwasafterallallaboutme · 21/12/2023 01:47

35965a · 20/12/2023 22:01

Maybe you could contact the police and ask their liaison to pass on your details if she wants them? I’m not sure I would contact her directly.

This ^^

MadinMarch · 21/12/2023 02:10

Yes, I'd want to know. But I wouldn't want to know 4 days before Christmas.

This

Whichwhatnow · 21/12/2023 02:12

hollyivy123 · 21/12/2023 00:21

Thanks for all your responses it's a difficult but interesting debate and obviously personalised to the person who has lost so there's no easy answer, but it helped to post it anonymously anyway thankyou

My parents were in almost exactly the same situation. A teenage motorcyclist came off his bike outside their house, my dad gave him CPR and my mum held his hand as he passed away. They've had several of his friends come to knock on their door to thank them for looking after him. I would contact her OP, if I were her I'd want to know that he was cared for.

Saggypants · 21/12/2023 02:21

Argh I don't know.

As a pp said, knowing that he received the best possible first aid from an HCP might help with any worries that more could have been done to save him.

Did he suffer? You don't have to tell us of course, but if you spoke to her she may ask... in which case are you prepared to answer that question honestly? I don't think I could make contact if there was a chance I'd be adding to her trauma with new and awful details.

Sodndashitall · 21/12/2023 06:51

auburnglow788 · 20/12/2023 22:09

She knows that her partner received CPR and she is now approximately 4 months into the grieving process - I cannot see any benefit of her knowing who gave him the CPR.

I think the benefit is knowing that it was a HCP who administered the CPR so I guess from that perspective she would know that nothing more could have been done

kimchio · 21/12/2023 07:04

DGHZ · 21/12/2023 00:56

What about sending her a little plant or something with a note saying you’re so sorry for her loss and say you’re the HCP who was with her partner at the end. Just don’t give away any info she doesn’t already know in the brief note. Leave it open ended and if she wants to contact you she’ll message you for more information. I think most people probably would want to know, sometimes it is better just being swamped with it at all at the time, even if it is traumatic. At least that way you’re not partially trying to get your life back together then finding out another little piece of information and having it floor you again ☹️ I think it will be of comfort though

Don't do that! OP needs to keep distance between them. Go through the police. Keep that barrier. Otherwise she risks inserting herself into the bereaved grief.

kimchio · 21/12/2023 07:07

Dontgivemeplants · 21/12/2023 00:27

Of course I'd like to know. It would be a treasured conversation for the rest of my life. Meet her for a coffee. Jeeezus, why wouldn't you

Or it might fill her with anger and rage. Or she might not want to know the details. It's personal.

CornishPorsche · 21/12/2023 07:09

Please don't. Do ask to make contact via the police and their FLO so they can support her fully.

tokesqueen · 21/12/2023 07:16

My DM was killed in a car accident. She was 69. Her partner was driving and drifted into oncoming traffic, killing a younger woman and badly injuring himself and two others.
We eventually found out what had happened but never a reason why. Partner couldn't remember.
I didn't go to court to hear the details, I didn't want those etched in my memory.
Partner got a fine.

TurtleCavalryIsSeriousShit · 21/12/2023 07:22

I'm late to this, but I was in a serious, life-altering accident 6 years ago. There were a lot of people on the scene who helped me and my son while I was trapped and had to be cut out of the car. It was serious and both my son and I were heli-vacced to hospitals.

I so, so wish I could speak to the people that helped us. It happened 600km from where I live and there is no way of finding out who they were.

I want to thank them. I really do. So, yeah, my vote is for contacting her.

Vegemite001 · 21/12/2023 07:27

Oh the other hand … I know someone whose teenager was killed in an RTA. The dash cam of the driver showed that the victim was on his phone, and dashed out into the road without looking (ie the driver was completely innocent).

It actually made it a little easier for the family as they didn’t have to waste energy in being angry at the driver, and it really was a genuine heartbreaking tragic accident.

Zanatdy · 21/12/2023 07:28

I personally would want to know, but agree with waiting until the new year

Stress101 · 21/12/2023 07:31

I would like to know. My Dad was a taxi driver and suffered a brain haemorrhage while working. He had a passenger in the taxi at the time. My Dad said to passenger he didn't feel great so passenger told him to pull over. As soon as pulling over my Dad had his haemorrhage. His passenger rang for an ambulance and stayed with him until it arrived. Dad unfortunately died two days later but we were so grateful that he had somebody with him and also that his passenger told him to pull over. It could have been so much worse if he continued driving and crashed his car into others. I dread to think what the outcome could have been. I think about the passenger regularly and would love to know who they are to say Thank You.

kimchio · 21/12/2023 07:31

It's really NOT acceptable to start messaging someone on social media about this. It's just not. Through the police fine. But don't start cyberstalking.

FishersGate · 21/12/2023 07:34

Collisions unit officer here, if its anything like my force fatals can take months and months to be finalised and investigated. Please contact the OIC, there will be a process and liaison officer. You may not know all the facts either. Sorry if I missed this but you might be called as a witness too,which would make things difficult.