Death by road accident, would you want to know what happened

[hollyivy123]

NC for this. I witnessed an accident in the summer of a motorcyclist v. car. It happened right in front of me and my son when we were driving back from a break in the UK. We were one car behind the car which was impacted so were very nearly involved in it. After the initial shock of witnessing the motorcyclist who was on the wrong side of the road crash into the car we sat stunned for about a minute then I got out and went to help the motorcyclist who needed CPR. Unfortunately he didn't make it. It was all very traumatic for us and totally for the partner who has been left behind. Through social media I have worked out who she is as she posted on the local police page about the accident, though she has no idea who I am and that I helped her partner in his last moments. I wonder if it would bring any comfort to her to know who I am, or whether it's best she never knows. The police apparently told her that he was given CPR by the side of the road as she's said it on facebook that she's grateful for whoever did it. What would you want if it was your partner? Would you want to know who that person was? I wouldn't want to trigger her, but yet on the other side I think her knowing i'm also a HCP it might bring her comfort somehow? Or would I be disrupting her grieving process to contact her a few months after the event and particularly at christmas. I'm not planning to without putting serious thought into it, but I was interested in what other people's thoughts were thanks. I've put the voting very simply, don't read too much into that, just vote as you think.
YABU - Don't contact her
YANBU- Contact her

Don't put her in a position to feel like she needs to perform gratitude or discuss the event with a stranger.

this.

Leave it alone
my husband died in a motorcycle accident
it was an accident but so many of his relatives just felt the need to sue anyone who was there

'if you were not in the crash yourself, you may or may not want to know the details of how a loved one died. You may want to know about medical treatment given at the roadside or in a hospital, and whether a loved one said anything or was unconscious during this time.
Sometimes it is possible to meet and talk to people who provided help at the crash site, such as a paramedic or a fire officer, or members of the public who provided first aid. If you want to do this, your police contact will be able to find out if this is possible. Alternatively, your police contact may be able to ask these people questions on your behalf.' Section 1: What happens now? | England & Wales | Brake

I can see this point of view. He was at fault as he was overtaking when he shouldn't be. It's difficult. He was a person who was clearly loved by his partner and he lost his life. It's a really difficult one to call, I know people make mistakes and misjudgements. That day wasn't his day poor fella

OP I don’t think people
think you are being selfish. Trauma and grief are extremely complicated things. Talk to police liaison so they can manage the
passing of information from you to the bereaved. They also know how the legal system and processes work. It was a shocking thing for you to
experience and flight may have caused some witnesses to freeze or do nothing. You helped the man. I think posters are wondering if you would find talking the event through with a counsellor
helpful in the first instance

What do you know about the event that would help her in any way? Other than putting a face to a person. Are you able to answer questions from her eg did he suffer?

@hollyivy123 you did an amazing thing, but you also witnessed something so horrific and it will have a huge emotional impact on you, please give yourself time to process what happened, your concern you are showing your son should extend to you too, be kind and don't take anything anyone says to heart.

I'd ask the police to pass on your details and to let her know that she can contact you if she wants to.

I lost my brother in an RTA, it was a busy road and I know there were many people who tried to help. I would love to have heard from any one of them. Sometimes the thought of his last moments torment me.

I once witnessed a young man literally drop dead in front of me, he was running in a half marathon and it turned out the poor boy had an undiagnosed heart condition. I wrote to his father via his work, because I wanted him to know his son did not suffer, and died surrounded by people who did their best to save him.

Oh absolutely and it was very much the same for this family, his sister was just looking out for him and just couldn’t believe he would act so recklessly. But it can be an incredibly hard pill to swallow that someone you love and care for has acted in a way that has impacted their life so drastically and for your case resulted in his death. If you could contact her anonymously at all I would do that and try to conceal your identity.

I do not think you're being selfish. You have very personal information about their loved one's last moments which may or may not bring them comfort.

Personally, I would want to know as much as possible and would want to 'meet' with you, not necessarily in person. Perhaps you could contact police liaison and make the offer, then leave it up to the poor chap's partner.

You were amazing - you did a good deed that day, not many would have been able to unfreeze and try to assist. Well done you.

I am so sorry, this is so traumatic for you.

A motorcyclist crashed immediately in front of my friend many years ago, and she helped him. He died whilst they were waiting for the ambulance. My friend did allow the police to give her details to the family and she met his wife, who wanted to know what he had said before he died. He hadn't said anything, but the wife contacted my friend a few times afterwards to see 'if she'd remembered' anything. Tragic for everyone.

Your attention to the crash victim was amazing and your concern for his family is very kind.

I wouldn't want her to know my address and vice versa etc and I would not want to contact her without Police advice. Because anonymity, long term, could be healthy for you both.
I would not contact via message as it is too impersonal.

If I were to contact I would want to speak directly or meet in person in a public place. They could find it a comfort if you had information about their loved one's few minutes of pain, last words or look of serenity; otherwise they could just want to express thanks.

An appropriate time would have been right after the event - there and then, roadside; or at the end of an inquest (should you both be there). If she approaches the Police and tries to speak to you, you could register your permission and approval to speak on the phone or exchange anonymous letter etc. (whatever is comfortable to you)

It is my gut reaction to not make contact, to leave it all sit and to be able to bump into each other and not know.
It is never a mistake to focus on treasued memories of a deceaced loved one and if seeing you (in a shop or driving your car etc) triggers thoughts of the actual death,it might not be the best.

Please don’t feel you are being selfish.

it’s quite clear from your post that this isn’t about you, and your motives are to help.

I think you should reach out to the police liaison and say you’d be happy to meet / discuss what happened. Maybe include the fact that you are a health professional and you know that for some people, it can be helpful to talk to someone who was there.
leave the door open for her, but no need for a response.

it may not be the right time for her, but she may want to meet you a few months down the line. I’m sure she’ll be touched that you care.

@hollyivy123 I think it might come across as you want praise from her.

It's also best not to mention it to her as it might disrupt her process of dealing with things if you bring it up all over again.

100% contact her.

My father collapsed at work (he owned a store) whilst serving a customer when I was a child. If the customer wasn’t there he would’ve probably been found dead. He had a major stroke and was in hospital for 2 years before dying. I’m so grateful for that customer for at least giving him a chance. I would kill to meet that person and just say thank you.

Sorry to hear you went through this, op, and you did an incredible thing for someone in their last moments.

In answer to your question - objectively, I'd look at this almost in the same way as protocols for people seeking information about adoption (in the past, moreso than today where life story work is considered so much more fundamental).

So in the same way that a parent who had given up a child could make Social Services aware that they were receptive to contact, but would not make contact themselves.

Thus leaving the adopted child free to make those enquiries themselves, without any timescale forced by the other party.

The reason I say this is - I think if the bereaved partner right now wanted to reach out to you, she could probably have already made those enquiries with the police. And it seems she hasn't.

If she wants contact with you it needs to be on her own terms. So I would say make the police know that you are happy to be contacted and leave it at that.

Also, I know that you are an HCP but in my experience traumatic things that we can cope very well with at work can be a very different experience indeed when we experience them in our personal lives (and I noted that your son was with you, so you would have had to manage his own reactions as well as yours). So please do seek counselling support if you feel you need it, I'd imagine there's an EAP where you work that can refer you.

I think you did an incredible thing and I hope you have a happy christmas.

I have been in a similar situation. Someone close to me tried to give CPR after ann accident and sadly wasn’t successful.

The police told us the family were very grateful someone (anonymous to them) tried to help and we left it there. In the times of social media, maybe we would have taken a different path but I doubt it would have been a happier outcome for the family. They are suffering and a name won’t help them.

Celebrate the fact you helped and leave it there. You did a good deed that day.

@hollyivy123 I know exactly where you are coming from. The legal process is so f*cking clinical. I would have valued having someone like you, although I can only imagine how hard it must have been for you at the time and since. Clearly not everyone who has been in this position feels like I do though so I guess think on it and do what you feel may be best.

I would want to know but wait until after the inquest. My ex was with a friend at our local pub when his friend had a heart attack. He gave CPR while someone rang an ambulance. He unfortunately didn't make it. His niece got his number and she rang the next morning wanting to speak with him.

Something similar happened to me many years ago. I felt no desire to speak to the man who found my partner and called the police. It was clear from the inquest how he died and I was in no fit state to risk asking questions and learning things that might make it all worse. I wrote the man who helped a note thanking him for all he'd done, hoping he wasn't too distressed by what he'd witnessed and wishing him well. I think the police support officer passed it on to him and she relayed a message from him saying that he understood and if there came a time when I felt I would like to talk to him he would be happy to do so. I never really felt the urge, but I'm not the kind of person who needs to know every last detail of anything.

In your shoes, OP, I'd think hard about it and if you do decide to offer to speak to her I'd go through the police and certainly not directly. If she does want to speak to you, I would keep your account very simple and factual and leave out distressing detail. You sound sensitive and thoughtful, but I can imagine a situation where some people might want to make it all about them — which is obviously a no-no. He's dead, nothing can comfort her but there is a possibility of unintentionally making things worse for both of you not just by what you say but how you say it. When people are overwhelmed by grief they're not rational (I know I wasn't, anyway) and sometimes it's easy to take things the wrong way.

It must have been really hard for you and your son to do what you did. I salute you for stopping in such dreadful circumstances. I hope you've had some support to deal with the experience. I wonder whether perhaps you're thinking that talking to her may help you? Not sure that's the best way to go about things. Perhaps speak to a counsellor? Good luck.

Hi OP. I haven't read all responses, just your posts. I am sorry you experienced this and you should be proud of what you did to help this poor man.

I agree with the advice re police liaison, inquests and union advice. I mean this very gently, but I think you need to carefully consider why you are thinking about contacting the widow. I think you should only do it because you believe you've got information that will help her. It would be very understandable if you are traumatised and want to be in closer contact to help with this, but please don't get in touch for that reason. I really hope you understand what I mean and I wish you and your son strength to get through this xxx

I think the choice should be hers not yours, so write her a message of condolences and enclose your name and number.

Something similar happened to us last year and we gave cpr and held the victim’s hand as he died. We found out who he was, he lived in the next village to us and I would like to have told his widow that he didn’t die alone but at a follow up interview with the police, without me saying anything, I was told that we should not contact the family. Apparently some ghoul had read about the accident and contacted the family but gave some incorrect details and had greatly upset the family.
As much as I would want to know should this happen to my loved one, you should speak to the police liaison officer first as they deem it inappropriate.

I think knowing it was an HCP who gave cpr would stop the ‘what if’s’ in my brain if it were me. By that I mean that knowing you were trained rather than someone who was just trying but didnt know what they were doing would comfort me, as I would know that you had given him the best chance possible.

I’d contact her, but maybe wait until after Christmas?