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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Death by road accident, would you want to know what happened

142 replies

hollyivy123 · 20/12/2023 21:56

NC for this. I witnessed an accident in the summer of a motorcyclist v. car. It happened right in front of me and my son when we were driving back from a break in the UK. We were one car behind the car which was impacted so were very nearly involved in it. After the initial shock of witnessing the motorcyclist who was on the wrong side of the road crash into the car we sat stunned for about a minute then I got out and went to help the motorcyclist who needed CPR. Unfortunately he didn't make it. It was all very traumatic for us and totally for the partner who has been left behind. Through social media I have worked out who she is as she posted on the local police page about the accident, though she has no idea who I am and that I helped her partner in his last moments. I wonder if it would bring any comfort to her to know who I am, or whether it's best she never knows. The police apparently told her that he was given CPR by the side of the road as she's said it on facebook that she's grateful for whoever did it. What would you want if it was your partner? Would you want to know who that person was? I wouldn't want to trigger her, but yet on the other side I think her knowing i'm also a HCP it might bring her comfort somehow? Or would I be disrupting her grieving process to contact her a few months after the event and particularly at christmas. I'm not planning to without putting serious thought into it, but I was interested in what other people's thoughts were thanks. I've put the voting very simply, don't read too much into that, just vote as you think.
YABU - Don't contact her
YANBU- Contact her

OP posts:
TheWonderSpot · 20/12/2023 22:20

OP I have been in this situation. I lost a family member in a road crash. The person who witnessed it did in fact meet me at the hospital but I was so shocked (my family member had already been declared dead on arrival) that I could hardly hear her, and I didn't think to take her details. I often think of her still, and wish I could speak to her. I long to know what happened, what my loved one's last minute was. If it were me, I would want you to make contact.

ISpyNoPlumPie · 20/12/2023 22:23

If it were me, I think that I would be ok with being informed by the police that they have the contact details for someone who was there and they can share them with me at some stage if I would like. I wouldn’t want to be contacted directly. Something about the loss of control in being contacted directly would make me feel more distressed. Hard to say for sure and it’s not me but that’s my take.

honeyandfizz · 20/12/2023 22:23

Personally I would want to be contacted. I am also a HCP and my Dad died this year (horrid death in hospital). I had to raise a complaint which turned into a significant event which had to be investigated by the patient safety team, I eventually got the report recently. Despite being horrified at his last moments I still wanted to know how he left this earth, what exactly happened to him, whether they did CPR and his exact time of death. I suspect this is a highly personal thing though and some people prefer to let it lie as it changes nothing at the end of the day.

MeinKraft · 20/12/2023 22:25

YANBU. A family member was given life support by the side of the road, and the people who helped still visit that persons wife and it gives us all great comfort to have met them and know they're looking in on us from time to time Flowers

TerrysNeapolitan · 20/12/2023 22:26

Yes. This happened in our family - the story is hauntingly familiar - do make contact.

Mylobsterteapot · 20/12/2023 22:26

I think I would write a letter explaining what happened, and ask the police liaison team to pass it on, with the message that it is from the person who have their partner CPR. Then she can choose what to do with it, and there’s no pressure on her, or indeed you.
Also, thank you for trying. So many people wouldn’t or couldn’t even try to help.

LumiB · 20/12/2023 22:28

Definitely not before Xmas and you have already decided that.

Personally I would want to least thank the person but I would want that choice as whilst I say this now, who knows whilst I am grieving how I would really be. Just go via the police so she has the choice and doesn't put her in a position to have to say no directly which might be harder.

Clafoutie · 20/12/2023 22:33

flibbertigiblets · 20/12/2023 22:06

My brother died in a car crash. We knew the people who were first on the scene from his childhood. It was a horribly fitting coincidence it was that particular lady that was there. She delivered a sympathy card by hand and I ran out to try and speak to her but she scurried off. I figured she was possibly too traumatised and didn’t want to relive what she saw. That broke me. We only had the info from police and inquest. I wish we had had the more human side of the story if you know what I mean.

If it were me I would make contact. More from a “I was there, I’m so sorry for your loss” perspective and maybe leave it up to her to ask. If she wants to know I imagine she would jump on the contact and ask you what happened.

I’m so sorry this happened to you. It sounds really hard Flowers

AGoingConcern · 20/12/2023 22:34

No, I wouldn't reach out if I were you. And if I were the loved one and I wanted to know I would say so - we all know social media can work wonders finding people, and she could have easily asked police/emergency services for info on who it was as well. You've seen her post about knowing someone performed CPR and yet she didn't express any desire to know who it was. Respect that and leave it there.

Don't put her in a position to feel like she needs to perform gratitude or discuss the event with a stranger.

SomeCatFromJapan · 20/12/2023 22:35

I think at least give her the option of getting in touch through the police liason if possible. Some people will want to know every detail, or to make a personal connection to the person who was one of the last with their loved one.
It may also resolve some what-ifs.

I had a very sudden loss a couple of months ago and the fact that help (paramedics) were on the scene within minutes provided some peace as I knew everything possible had been done for him.

SpringersSprinting · 20/12/2023 22:36

It is personal but I would. My mother died in hospital in the early hours of the morning and I had been with her every day for the previous month but wasn't with her when she died. It tortured me that I didn't really know the details of her death. The staff on the ward were kind but slightly vague about the details and I was really struggling with it to the extent that my husband even told me that I really had to let it go as I was driving myself crazy. At mum's funeral there was an older woman who came up to me after the service and handed me a card. I couldn't quite place her at first then realised that she had been in the next bay to my mum on the ward and we had only exchanged some pleasantries then. She said she had just got out of hospital but wanted to come to mum's service. I opened the card later and the woman had written a little letter telling me exactly what happened with my mum's passing in minute detail. She signed off saying that she knew I was very close to my mum and hoped that knowing all this would help me. I felt so relieved and so much more at peace and ready to deal with my grief just knowing how it was.

ChaniceKobolowski · 20/12/2023 22:37

35965a · 20/12/2023 22:01

Maybe you could contact the police and ask their liaison to pass on your details if she wants them? I’m not sure I would contact her directly.

This is the best advice

MrsMorrisey · 20/12/2023 22:38

I'd want to meet you if that happened to my loved one x

Original poster
hollyivy123 · 20/12/2023 22:38

TerrysNeapolitan · 20/12/2023 22:26

Yes. This happened in our family - the story is hauntingly familiar - do make contact.

I'm so sorry this happened to you. If you don't mind sharing which county was it in? It was in central south of the UK You're welcome to pm me if you want further clarification

OP posts:
BeadedBubbles · 20/12/2023 22:38

If she wanted to know would she not have asked the police to find out if you would be willing to let her have your contact details?

RudsyFarmer · 20/12/2023 22:39

I’d only want to know if you could provide some comfort. For example telling me something they said that was heartfelt or telling me they weren’t in pain or they weren’t alone.

NameChange1412 · 20/12/2023 22:39

My Dad had a cardiac arrest last week (he is still in intensive care) and I went to meet the lads who resuscitated him. It gave me and them a lot of comfort during a shit time because I heard from their own mouths what they did for him and knew they couldn’t have done more, and they got an update on his current condition and understand that they are the reason he’s still here.

If she has put on Facebook that she’d like to know, I would message her, but I would leave it until after Christmas. She will probably have questions, so be prepared to answer them. Thank you for trying ❤️

xXc · 20/12/2023 22:39

My dad had a heart attack at the wheel of his car 5 years ago he stopped breathing and someone else in another car gave him CPR, he lived for 3 weeks after that and that's because of her. I've never found out who she is but would love to and thank her. So go for it

Notimeforaname · 20/12/2023 22:40

I wouldn't. She said thanks on her post. She didn't say I'd love to meet you or please contact me if you see this. I'd leave her to grieve.

I've been around people who are grieving and are actually having a good day or a good moment and then someone randomly texts/calls/bumps into them and brings up the person who has passed and it 'ruins' the few nice moments they were having.

Floralnomad · 20/12/2023 22:40

AGoingConcern · 20/12/2023 22:34

No, I wouldn't reach out if I were you. And if I were the loved one and I wanted to know I would say so - we all know social media can work wonders finding people, and she could have easily asked police/emergency services for info on who it was as well. You've seen her post about knowing someone performed CPR and yet she didn't express any desire to know who it was. Respect that and leave it there.

Don't put her in a position to feel like she needs to perform gratitude or discuss the event with a stranger.

I agree with this .

kimchio · 20/12/2023 22:40

No don't contact her directly. Perhaps speak to the police.

kimchio · 20/12/2023 22:41

It would be a bit much to just contact her direct on fb

Diggerdriverless · 20/12/2023 22:41

I would go through the Police Liaison Officer if you are sure that you can cope with being contacted AND that any information you give will be comforting - medical aid was there promptly, he didn't suffer, etc.

Wheelz46 · 20/12/2023 22:43

I understanding where you are coming from OP and your heart is definitely in the right place. However can you give her any information that she doesn't already know, I am assuming not.

Personally, I would have thought, if she wanted to reach out, she would have included it in the post you saw on the social media page.

If I were in her situation, would I want you to reach out to me? I don't think I would, I would be grateful to you but what could I say, "thank you for being there for them"? See that would hurt, being reminded that I wasn't the last person they saw or heard, not being the one there to comfort them in their final moments.

This is just my thoughts though, it may comfort others, could you perhaps reach out to someone who appears to be a family member and seeing what their thoughts are on you contacting them.

I haven't voted solely because, your heart is in the right place and what is right for 1 person is not necessarily right for another.

Notimeforaname · 20/12/2023 22:45

If I were in her situation, would I want you to reach out to me? I don't think I would, I would be grateful to you but what could I say, "thank you for being there for them"? See that would hurt, being reminded that I wasn't the last person they saw or heard, not being the one there to comfort them in their final moments

I think I would feel the same way.
I really think if she wanted to know or had questions, she would have asked the police or asked online for anyone who was there to contact her.

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