Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

Death by road accident, would you want to know what happened

142 replies

hollyivy123 · 20/12/2023 21:56

NC for this. I witnessed an accident in the summer of a motorcyclist v. car. It happened right in front of me and my son when we were driving back from a break in the UK. We were one car behind the car which was impacted so were very nearly involved in it. After the initial shock of witnessing the motorcyclist who was on the wrong side of the road crash into the car we sat stunned for about a minute then I got out and went to help the motorcyclist who needed CPR. Unfortunately he didn't make it. It was all very traumatic for us and totally for the partner who has been left behind. Through social media I have worked out who she is as she posted on the local police page about the accident, though she has no idea who I am and that I helped her partner in his last moments. I wonder if it would bring any comfort to her to know who I am, or whether it's best she never knows. The police apparently told her that he was given CPR by the side of the road as she's said it on facebook that she's grateful for whoever did it. What would you want if it was your partner? Would you want to know who that person was? I wouldn't want to trigger her, but yet on the other side I think her knowing i'm also a HCP it might bring her comfort somehow? Or would I be disrupting her grieving process to contact her a few months after the event and particularly at christmas. I'm not planning to without putting serious thought into it, but I was interested in what other people's thoughts were thanks. I've put the voting very simply, don't read too much into that, just vote as you think.
YABU - Don't contact her
YANBU- Contact her

OP posts:

MargaretThursday · 21/12/2023 07:34

I wouldn't want to know from direct contact.

I'd feel there was an expectation on me to react correctly, to be grateful, to relive the incident and comfort the person who would clearly also be upset. That's me though.

A card, sent through the police, saying sorry for your loss and I was with him at the end would be fine.

headcheffer · 21/12/2023 07:37

mynameiscalypso · 20/12/2023 22:01

Yes, I'd want to know. But I wouldn't want to know 4 days before Christmas.

Agree

PepperIsHere · 21/12/2023 07:45

I know someone who went through exactly what you describe. The victim's partner put out an appeal and it reached my friend. They met up and for the partner it was incredibly powerful to know that the victim had been comforted in his last moments. You might both want to take a support person.

LongtimeLurker123 · 21/12/2023 07:48

Creepygardengnome · 20/12/2023 22:57

Could you write a message along the lines of:

"Hello, Apologies for contacting you out of the blue. My name is Hollyivy. I was present on the day of your partner's accident and provided CPR until the ambulance came. I am very sorry for your loss. I am just contacting you in case you feel it would help you to hear a first person account of what happened that day. If you don't think this would be helpful for you, please just ignore this message – I completely understand either way."

That way you make it clear that there is no obligation to get in touch/that you don't expect anything, but that you are here if she ever wants to reach out and talk.

I don't recommend this. I would have found it upsetting to receive a message like this. It would force me to make a decision, either to respond at a time when I did not feel able to, or to ignore and feel guilty about ignoring a kind person. It would not be a terrible thing to get such a message, but it would be better not to. (Far worse was the newspaper journalist who emailed me at my public work address multiple times, tried to 'friend' me on FaceBook, and only stopped after she tried through the police liaison officers and I sent a message back saying I was not interested in talking to her.)

Pluvia · 21/12/2023 10:02

TurtleCavalryIsSeriousShit · 21/12/2023 07:22

I'm late to this, but I was in a serious, life-altering accident 6 years ago. There were a lot of people on the scene who helped me and my son while I was trapped and had to be cut out of the car. It was serious and both my son and I were heli-vacced to hospitals.

I so, so wish I could speak to the people that helped us. It happened 600km from where I live and there is no way of finding out who they were.

I want to thank them. I really do. So, yeah, my vote is for contacting her.

But you were the victims and you survived, thank goodness. In your situation I'd want to be sending thank-you letters or shaking peoples' hands too. But that's very different from the OP's situation. She's thinking of contacting someone who will be absolutely sunk in grief and possibly also angry with her partner for his role in causing his own death. (I hope I've read your account of the accident right, OP)

I'm a bit stunned by all those who say they'd want to know without pausing for a moment to wonder what it might really be like to lose a loved-one in such circumstances and considering the possibility that the rest of the world may not feel as they do. Several people who've had loved-ones die in RTAs have posted saying they wouldn't have wanted contact.

I can tell you as someone who's been there, there will be some people who really don't want to know all the potentially gruesome and unbearable details when it's their loved-one involved. It's why people are routinely told that the death was instant or that there was no pain or suffering. The reality can be too much for people to bear.

decionsdecisions62 · 21/12/2023 10:53

I would want to meet you. It's poor that there isn't trauma follow up of some kind.

Member984815 · 21/12/2023 10:59

Having lost someone in a tragic accident I can say please reach out.

Vickim03 · 21/12/2023 11:03

I lost my sister in a car accident. The liaison officer talked us through the accident and what had happened. At this stage we were told about a couple who had sat with her whilst waiting for the ambulance we don't know who they are and my sister wouldn't of known they were there but just knowing that brought me comfort. I'm sure the liaison officer will go through the reports and most likely mention your presence. If you want to make contact with the family I feel the best way is through the police liaison officer. It might me too much do the family if you contact them directly via social media

cloudfree · 21/12/2023 11:48

We had a relative die during a car crash. The person that helped at the scene was at the inquest and we were grateful to have the opportunity to thank them for trying to help. Don’t reach out directly but to the police and their liaison officer can deal with it appropriately.

marcopront · 21/12/2023 12:06

If she wants contact with you and you don't make contact there is no loss.

If she doesn't want contact and you make contact then that would be horrible for her.

If you do anything it must be through the police.

My questions are

Why now?
What do you hope to achieve?

TheChosenTwo · 21/12/2023 12:24

I had a relative die after being hit by a car. The driver immediately got out to help,
called ambulance etc.
I made it to the hospital in time for my final goodbyes before they peacefully slipped away.
I don’t want to know any more details than the police told me.

Different situation to yours completely, I know! I don’t know, I think maybe it needs to be the family’s decision going via the family liaison officer.

ItAintGonnaGoDownEasyIfItAintCheezy · 21/12/2023 12:33

mynameiscalypso · 20/12/2023 22:01

Yes, I'd want to know. But I wouldn't want to know 4 days before Christmas.

This. Why wait til now?

SurelySmartie · 21/12/2023 12:54

No I wouldn’t initiate. Only if you found out they were trying to reach out looking for you/ contacts or information.

peachgreen · 21/12/2023 12:58

My DH died suddenly, albeit under different circumstances, and I found it very healing to talk it through with the first responders. Different for everyone, but I personally think it would be good to offer her the opportunity.

Bobbob2015 · 21/12/2023 14:54

As the responses on here show, it could be a huge comfort to talk to you or they may not wish to. I’d absolutely contact the family liaison officer so that they have that choice. You could give them some additional closure or they may not wish to speak to you but at least they’d have the option and you’d know that they have that choice too.

superplumb · 21/12/2023 16:48

Don't contact directly but via the police liason officer to pass on your details. I would want to know that someone kind was with him speaking to him, reassuring him etc. I think it will bring a lot of comfort. Messaging out the blue may be strange, if it were me, I would wonder if you were genuine...but then I'm suspicious of everyone.

howandwhyyy · 21/12/2023 16:59

sorry havent read all the messages but normally if there is a death like this there will be an inquest.

That is the time that the family will receive the information about what happened and whether people were helping or not. It is a controlled and expected environmetn and this is the right time if you are called as a witness. If not, you could provide a statement to the coroner or the police for them to read out or pass on as part of the coronial process.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6