Death by road accident, would you want to know what happened

[hollyivy123]

NC for this. I witnessed an accident in the summer of a motorcyclist v. car. It happened right in front of me and my son when we were driving back from a break in the UK. We were one car behind the car which was impacted so were very nearly involved in it. After the initial shock of witnessing the motorcyclist who was on the wrong side of the road crash into the car we sat stunned for about a minute then I got out and went to help the motorcyclist who needed CPR. Unfortunately he didn't make it. It was all very traumatic for us and totally for the partner who has been left behind. Through social media I have worked out who she is as she posted on the local police page about the accident, though she has no idea who I am and that I helped her partner in his last moments. I wonder if it would bring any comfort to her to know who I am, or whether it's best she never knows. The police apparently told her that he was given CPR by the side of the road as she's said it on facebook that she's grateful for whoever did it. What would you want if it was your partner? Would you want to know who that person was? I wouldn't want to trigger her, but yet on the other side I think her knowing i'm also a HCP it might bring her comfort somehow? Or would I be disrupting her grieving process to contact her a few months after the event and particularly at christmas. I'm not planning to without putting serious thought into it, but I was interested in what other people's thoughts were thanks. I've put the voting very simply, don't read too much into that, just vote as you think.
YABU - Don't contact her
YANBU- Contact her

I witnessed a fatal road accident too a few years ago and had the same question ☹️

In the end I didn’t contact. I’m glad I didn’t because I realised that witnessing it was very traumatic with no closure and I realised deep down I was actually seeking some kind of closure for me not for his family. Also because it was not very nice, he was badly hurt and I remember he had terror frozen on his face, and I doubt his family would have wanted to remember their son that way.

So based on my experience you need to interrogate whether you’re seeking closure from this & it’s not actually about them (not a judgement as it’s natural to be a bit traumatised) and also whether the last moments of his life are likely to be how his family want to remember him (eg did he talk about them or leave a message, or was it very medical & clinical - sounds like the latter)

Hope that helps. I know it’s horrible. I still think about the young man I saw in the accident sometimes ☹️ take care of yourself x

The most I would do would be to contact police and say you’d like her to know that it was an HCP who gave CPR as this might be what she doesn’t know and might be of some comfort that what could be done was done. You could also say that you’re willing to be contacted at any point if she would like that. She might want to know quite far in the future. I just felt ready to get some details about a relative’s unexpected death after 10 years.

I was also once in a very similar position to you. The widow contacted me a few days later, sent flowers, and met to thank me and get details. It wasn’t easy to go through it with her. So I think if she’d wanted to contact you and the police have your details, then she probably would have made contact anyway.

I lost my DP in a very tragic accident. I would find this incredibly upsetting to have this come out of the blue and would feel the person wanted some type of recognition for what they had done. My DP received CPR after his accident and I have read reports, sat through court proceedings and spoken to police so know people tried very hard to save him but I have no desire to ever speak to the person that administered it. I am so grateful for their efforts but grief is a difficult emotion to process and even 9 years later, this is not information that I would welcome now or ever. Some things are better left and I truly don’t think you should contact this woman.

I agree with this. You did a wonderful thing but this needs to be left to those trained to deal with it.

I also agree that you would benefit from speaking to someone about your feelings.

I'm writing this as someone who had a family member who died in a dreadful RTA where the other driver was prosecuted for death by dangerous driving.

Yes absolutely make sure this isn't for you OP

I'm so sorry for all those who have lost someone in tragic circumstances - and for anyone who witnessed such events.

💐

It feels like you have unfinished business and the trauma caused to you has made a desire to be healed by contacting the partner or the dead guy so that you can move on.

You were tremendous in helping the man but contacting his partner under the guise of it being for her benefit isn't really for her benefit at all.

You could tell the police that you don't mind them giving her your contact details but personally I would absolutely not contact her directly.

I lost multiple people I loved in a car accident, and many people helped them after the crash (it happened outside a pub in the summer). Many or the family and friends found comfort in being told how people helped them.

A friend was in exactly the same position as you once.
She was just behind a cyclist who was hit and killed - died within minutes at the road side but she was there holding his hand as he passed away.
The police later put her in touch with the family and thought I can't speak for any of them, understand that it was useful for them to talk through it with a witness.

Thankyou for all your responses, reading some of the traumatic responses on here has been sad, sorry if i've bought up any difficult emotions for anyone. I think i'm probably best to just leave it as is. I'm not sure what the police told her, whether I was a HCP or not, but I know she knew someone gave him CPR by the side of the road. I don't want to upset her further or his family and hope they're all okay and will put this debate in my mind to rest and try to get on with things. Thanks for all your opinions and thoughts

Surely there will be an inquest where the family hear witness statements etc. My BIL died in a motorbike accident many years ago. There was a lot of anger amongst his family towards the driver who unfortunately ran over his body, purely because he slid across the road under her car.

At the inquest it became clear she had tried her hardest to avoid him. It was also nice to hear about the people who helped, although many were not named.

I agree with others that you should contact the police first. Maybe ask if you can send the family some flowers and a little note.

Could you write a message along the lines of:

"Hello, Apologies for contacting you out of the blue. My name is Hollyivy. I was present on the day of your partner's accident and provided CPR until the ambulance came. I am very sorry for your loss. I am just contacting you in case you feel it would help you to hear a first person account of what happened that day. If you don't think this would be helpful for you, please just ignore this message – I completely understand either way."

That way you make it clear that there is no obligation to get in touch/that you don't expect anything, but that you are here if she ever wants to reach out and talk.

I think that, a few days after Christmas you could make contact and introduce yourself. Say you were there when it happened and if they wished to reach out or had any questions you would be happy to talk. Personally I think that most people would want to know. Keep the details of the accident vague. I.e. you saw them on the wrong side of the road, but there was a very quick sudden collision. You could emphasise how you tried to help but it was too late, the ending was quick/painless (if they were unconscious), how you held their hand or remained with them etc. I think those details would really help.

My husband very nearly died and a paramedic and call holder ultimately made some quick decisions that saved his life. I really wanted to thank them. Months later I had that chance when we were all asked to be interviewed for a medical TV programme and I got to find out their names and see them. It really helped.

This is a very good idea.

My late husband and another passer by performed CPR on a young runner who had collapsed on our local seafront and who later died in the ambulance on the way to the hospital. The family were not aware that they had tried to save him until the inquest some months later. The grandmother wrote a letter to my husband to thank him for his efforts and to say it gave them comfort to know that someone had tried to help him. She also said that he’d had an undiagnosed heart condition. The letter was delivered by the police.

My mum was killed 11 weeks ago. A van went into reverse without checking and crushed her as she went to cross the road. Opposite her house.

A few days later, I had a card through the door from a witness. They wrote about how she had not suffered and that they had stayed with her until the medics came. I was so grateful for this, that someone had cared enough to make sure she wasn't on her own, especially as it must have been a traumatic scene.

I echo what others have said, contact the liason team. Also, there's a marvellous organisation called Brake who you can talk to if you need help in processing your own feelings. They are there for those who have witnessed and/or helped victims too, not just for the directly bereaved.
Brake

@hollyivy123 My wonderful neighbours lost their adult son in a Motorbike /Car accident...a woman pulled out in front of him {turning right} without looking.

It was devastating for everyone in their family.
His parents are now passed {Edit...his parents are now dead...My neighbours were adamant that the word ''died'' be used rather than euphemisms, so out of respect for them, I will use the term they felt mattered to them.
{I like to think they are reunited now} but I'm sure the partner would want to know what happened.

Many years ago a close friend died in a RTA. Her sister and I did want to know the details, up to a point, because in the absence of such details we each imagined the worst possible scenario We did find out enough to know that it was not quite as bad as we imagined, though sadly fairly bad.

I think I woúld reach out, as gently and tentatively as is feasible.

I would definitely want to know.

My dad died in a car accident many years ago. I was told a nurse stopped to try to help. I would like to thank her for stopping to help. It gave me comfort to know he wasn’t left alone in the road.

I have been in her position, almost identical, there will be a coroners inquest where she will get to sit and listen to witnesses and see how it has torn their lives apart, it was really horrific, if I had known what I do now, I would not have gone.

Do not contact her directly, use the proper channels when you are called upon and use all resources available to you and your son.

I will edit to say this is just my views, I just think you need to be very careful, the partner will be very delicate, but reading some other replies it brought them great comfort.

Whatever you decide, thank you for trying to help him, and do take care of yourself.

I think you did a wonderful thing that day, and I trust that you are looking to do another wonderful thing now.

But grief is complex. I agree with others that say reach out to the police and explain to them that you would be willing to speak with the family if that would help. Then leave it there.

Under no circumstances reach out via social media. There are better channels when things are this delicate.

I have seen people respond to friends/family members comments on social media posts about fatal accidents, for example 'I was there and comforted them, just to let you know they weren't alone'
I think I would do that rather than send a message which may be too intrusive. You could always add that they are welcome to message you.

So it's been suggested that I would be being 'selfish' in wanting closure to the event and that i'm being unreasonable. What are everyone's thought's on this? It's sad that people think i'm being selfish. You know what? I'm anything but. I have a son with special needs who witnessed the whole event and I had to consider his emotions before I even exited the car to go and do CPR. He's a teenager who I worried about leaving alone in my car while I gave CPR to the victim. I spent my time doing CPR and looking back to him to make sure he wasn't having some sort of meltdown in my car. Thankfully he was giving me the thumbs up but not really realising the seriousness of what was going on. I have had to consider his emotions after the event and we've talked extensively about it to make sure he's okay. I'm far from selfish. I'm sorry if this sounds like a dripfeed but I didn't think it would be necessary for the debate. I have a whole load of other things to think about. I want the person who is grieving for this chap to feel better somehow if she can, if I can help great, but if not i'll stand back for sure.

I wouldn’t do it just because she could be in denial over her partner being at fault of the accident.

We witnessed an incident where the motorcyclist ran a red light and was hit and thrown from his bike it was awful. It was then posted in the local fb group and I commented that I was first on the scene and offered first aid to him and stayed with him until the ambulance arrived and his sister commented wanting to know what happened so I told her and she abused me for saying he ran the red light and was essentially the cause of his own incident. He didn’t die but we did have to give statements to the police and we said what happened and because she knew who we were she was contacting us telling us to change our story because he couldn’t be at fault it was awful.