Can someone unpick this text for me from woman I'm seeing?

[kyletile]

I've been in a relationship with someone for the past 5 months. It is going much slower than she would like, I am aware of that. This is due to my work, and when I have my children. She has said that I am 'emotionally closed off' and don't arrange dates often. I would agree with her on this but it is who I am and at 5 months in it's how I feel comfortable at the moment. This morning I woke up to this text and haven't yet responded as to be honest, I'm not really sure what she wants from it. Is it a break up text? Is it an ultimatum? Anyone any idea?

'Hey, I’m been having a think and I feel you are emotionally unavailable at the moment. This has been playing on my mind quite a bit and I don’t feel emotionally you can give me what I need at the moment due to this. I feel I have been making a lot of effort, trying to arrange to see you, expressing my feelings, trying to have open conversations with you and I am being met with a lack of enthusiasm, a lack of interest and an overall aloofness that leaves me feeling discontented.

Therefore, I’ve decided that I’m going to pull back and live my life. I will leave the door open, however, I’m no longer interested in texting everyday or expending my energy, if we’re not moving forward in some way. Ie, you arranging dates frequently and for a change/getting to know me on a deeper level. You said you noticed I hadn’t been as sexual, and I need emotional closeness with someone for my sexual desire to be kept ignited. It can’t possibly survive on dick pics and sexts with no depth or closeness to the person I am sharing with. I’m going to continue living my life, I’m going to start dating others again and I’m going to step away from, what feels to me, to be a toxic situation.

I’m not sure if this is how you are in general, or if it’s just with me. As much as I hope you can work through your emotional blocks and allow yourself to be vulnerable, I’m not asking you to apologise or change yourself. However, should this be a temporary state of mind then as I’ve said, I’ve left the door open for now if you wish to reach out. If not, then I wish you the best.'

I'm not sure what she wants from me. I tell her I'm interested and have feelings for her, but she says she doesn't feel it. She wants dates arranged within a few days of our last and I'm quite happy to wait.

Great text from her.

She wants to feel known and feel like she knows you. Right now, you are just a man she arranges to go on dates with and gets dick pics from. She wants to connect. I don’t know how else to explain that. It’s not about how often you see each other, it’s the bonding when you do.

She doesn't want a companion, she wants the fireworks and excitement of a new relationship and she isn't feeling that vibe from you. You can't fake that.

She's dumping you, OP. She's been very clear in what she wants and she's saying that, since you can't provide it, she's moving on. If you decide you want her enough to change, she might reconsider.

i have two guy friends, one i am 'seeing' he says he is into me, we exchange pics, but i currently haven't seen him in 2 months because we're both busy, and all i get is 'soon' when i ask him.. the time between dates has been getting longer and some days he barely talks to me.. but he 'breadcrumbs' and every time i make irritated noises, he picks up contact for a bit, then trails off.
He currently hasn't spoken to me since... monday.. but apparently hes 'still into' me and loves me...

The other is just a friend, we talk all day, every day. i know everything about him, he knows everything about me, he buys me gifts, he visits me once a month, he check i'm ok, talks about his day, his kids, his job... we are slowly developing feelings.

That is the difference between 'sexts and dickpics' and 'emotionally available'

Bloke one will be getting the same text you got shortly. i'm done.

I'd say, just block. They're not worthy of these considerate texts🙂

Your thread reminds me of this: https://thenib.com/if-men-flirted-like-birds/

Woman: communicates clearly in a message.
The OP: Can’t be arsed to demonstrate reading comprehension, asks a women’s forum to ‘unpick’ the clear communication. Puts zero effort into replying to anything, doesn’t know what more he can do.

What a mystery 🤣

And you need us to tell you what this means? Even for a man, you are emotionally illiterate!

I think a companion is exactly what she wants. What she doesn’t want is a quick fuck occasionally and a flurry of pictures of a penis.

Basically she wants you to take initiative and arrange to see her more. Not waiting for days on end for the next meeting and move forward with the relationship. If you are not ready for that tell her so she can move on.

Bit of an aside, but thank you for this. Your paragraphs on what being emotionally open looks like has really helped me. I have a lovely kind DP but I often get confused about what I can only describe as a ‘lack of depth’ and struggle trying to describe this to him. You’ve given some really good examples, thank you.

Depends on what kind of life you have and what kind of relationship you want. I wouldn’t want to see someone multiple times a week because I have a really full life, which I enjoy. Some of us need a lot of space.

Good for her. You want a fuck buddy when it’s convenient. She wants a meaningful relationship that extends beyond casual meet ups. I say this to women on here and I’m saying it to you - if you really wanted her you’d be with her. You’d make time. You’re treating her as an option while she’s treating you as a priority. It has taken her a lot of courage and what she likely feels is rejection to get her to the point where she felt she needed to write that. And even after all that she’s still left the door open. For her sake I’d reply, thank her for her honest message and tell her you’re not in a position to give her what she wants, that you’ve had a lovely time, and you wish her all the best.

@kyletile

She wants more attention, more proactive actions, and more emotional investment than you are giving her. You are happy with the 'status quo' and want her to be satisfied with it, too. Problem is, things don't work that way. You don't need to 'up your game' if you don't want to, but she doesn't have to be satisfied with the crumbs from your table, either.

Send her a text that says "I understand. I wish you the best" and just let her go.

Surely a Santa hat is more suited to this season.

She’s not into you!
move on.
dont send dick picks that’s nasty 🤢

I was sympathetic because I like to move slowly too until the pics, that's just cruel when the other party wants something more commitment wise and isn't getting it.

Did she want dates just arranged or to actually take place a few after a date ?
Anyways no matter now, I'm proud of her for sending the text that so many of us should have at some point in our lives. She sounds awesome btw.

That's an awfully long text.

I think her message is very fair
she has tried to tell you time and again
it is soul destroying being in a relationship when someone is emotionally unavailable - been there
I think she still clearly wants to be with you if you can step up and work on the relationship and start to make it more of a priority in your life, not just give her breadcrumbs and aloofness

I imagine you show affection and emotional connection differently to how she needs affection and emotional connection. If she’s told you and you’re still at a loss and asked again and still don’t understand then draw a line and walk away as you are speaking different languages. It’s not your fault and it’s not her fault - it’s an emotional incompatibility and she’s pissed off about it.

That text is a step up or forget it text.

All of that was a text? She's calling you emotionally unavailable, but she"s so emotionally intelligent she dumps a letter on you instead of a face to face or phone call? Does she have kids and work (I assume you do).
Sorry, everyone...different take here: she sounds like she wants too much too soon/is a bit needy (all of this has been on her mind for a while). OP, you might've been more clear from the start about what you are capable of right now: something casual, not able to commit to dates more than x, for example. You do need to figure yourself out. You two are definitely not suited as she needs to be the centre of your world and you can't (won't) give that. I applaud her for laying it out, though. She, at least, knows what she wants.
Last: dick pics? Gross.

She's dumped you.

Just to add I had the following experience with a man.

For context I am a slow burner, however I also need to spend time with someone for things to develop.

Met a guy on a dating site - he contacted me. Transpired we lived some distance apart, but he seemed nice and so I was prepared to put in the effort.

Every attempt I made at meeting up was met with excuses - normally 'I already have plans for that weekend' type of thing - fair enough. But no suggestions of other dates he would be free.

However, he would always find the time to bombard me with sext texts and dick picks, wanting me to reciprocate. I have no interest in sending pictures of my vagina to anyone, let alone someone I barely know. He then insinuated that I wasn't very 'romantic' because I refused to send him naked pics of myself.

Some people's idea of romance is quite strange.

You are of course right, tis the season after all

😂

Thanks.