Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My daughter knows that everything is fake

307 replies

Krismuss · 20/12/2023 09:48

I don’t know what has gone wrong here. My 3 year old daughter knows everything is fake. A few examples - I took her to see Santa - afterwards I asked if she enjoyed it and she said “yes, but it’s only pretend isn’t it?”
We went to Disneyland earlier this year and I said “wow look DD, a real princess castle!” And she said “silly mummy, it’s not real”. Same with the characters - she knew they were just people playing dress up.

Last week I took her to a party and “Elsa” was there. “Elsa” danced with her and when we got home I told DH that DD had been dancing with Elsa - DD said “not the real Elsa though, because it’s not real, only pretend”.

I said to her this morning “you best be good because Father Christmas is watching!” And she again said “it’s not real mummy”

she has no older siblings or relatives that would tell her this and she isn’t at school or nursery. Why doesn’t she believe in anything? :-( I feel like there is no point in doing the usual small child activities because she knows it’s all fake. Even at the Christmas market there were reindeers there and I said “I wonder which one is rudolf?” And she said “they’re just reindeers, none are rudolf”.

DH hasn’t told her anything is fake either, he’s as perplexed as I am. So not to drip feed she is on the waiting list for autism assessment, could this have something to do with it?

OP posts:
Greenpolkadot · 20/12/2023 12:01

I feel sad for you OP.
A lot of a child's world is make believe and pretend.
Your little dd seems to have had a big part of her childhood wiped out.
Its curious how she knows that everything is fake!, what's going on in that little head I wonder,

CoalCraft · 20/12/2023 12:02

I don't remember ever believing any of that stuff either OP, and I often felt frustrated that adults kept trying to insist it was real. I was also very dubious of religion even when I was tiny, but at that was a bit different as I could tell my mum believed it.

I'm not autistic as far as I'm aware.

I don't tell my kids that any of it is actually real. It's all just pretend and a big fun game.

AceofPentacles · 20/12/2023 12:02

In reference to your question about autism, DS had worked out Santa wasn't real (and told everyone) at pre school. He's autistic. He believed in someone bringing presents, but not the people dressing up

SpringleDingle · 20/12/2023 12:03

I'm ASD and I knew it was all fake from 3. My DD also wasn't much of a believer. I still love Xmas and the "magic". Don't try to pretend but you can still hang stockings and put out mice pies. Your DD may well enjoy being in on the secret as much as mine has done!

BreatheAndFocus · 20/12/2023 12:05

Next time she says that it’s not real and just pretend, look surprised and ask her who told her that. I thought my DC was saying something ‘a bit mature’ and there was something about his words that sounded wrong. I then found out he was copying a family member. I still don’t know if he was taught to say the phrase or if he just picked it up himself and mimicked the relative, but it’s something to bear in mind.

I’d be aware of my own reactions to her comments, eg is she repeating it on these various occasions because she sees your surprise/confusion/guilt/worry? Some children get into a habit of saying particular things that get a result, good or bad.

I wouldn’t tell her she was right. I’d try to maintain the magic, if not for her sake, then for the sake of her peers. She won’t be popular with them or their parents if she says things like that.

Starsun · 20/12/2023 12:06

My dd was the same from 18 months - very factual and had to know the way things worked. At 2.5 we took her to Disney on ice and she was screeching how they weren’t really flying that she could see the wires and pulleys etc etc! She was diagnosed with autism at 6 and is still very factual to this day and whether things are real/false or right or wrong it’s very black and white thinking

jhy · 20/12/2023 12:07

My son who is also autistic is like this too. When we went to see Santa he said 'someone dressed up as Santa'. He seem to know it's fake but still play along with it. He was never interested those elves, but we did get him one at his request and he's kind of figuring it out still so I hope he at least believes in that a little bit!
I think autistic people just see things differently and think logically, hence not believing in something which, let's face it is rather unbelievable

RiderofRohan · 20/12/2023 12:08

Clever kid. You should be proud.

icallitasplodge · 20/12/2023 12:09

It’s not autism just because she’s observant and fails to believe clear lies.

I remember our caretaker dressed up as Santa in year 3 and it was so very obviously him, I wondered if everyone around me was very stupid or blind.

She might think you need help understanding reality.

Seaweed42 · 20/12/2023 12:11

I think most kids hold two beliefs in their head, that it's not real and that it is real.

With my kids I didn't really keep trying to enforce the 'lies'.
I told them the Santa in the visit places were not the real Santa.

Because it was such a stupid looking costume with fake beard, like it'd be a serious disappointment if that old bugger was the real Santa 🙄.

I never used Santa as a weapon either to make them behave.
I think that's just mean.

Because how can any beautiful lovely little child be bad? Really.
Don't plant that seed in their head.

It just reinforces this idea of being a 'good' 'bad' person in their heads.
Not helpful.

icallitasplodge · 20/12/2023 12:12

It’s actually quite worrying to see the amount of people who are very quick to think that their child knowing the difference between the truth and a lie must have “autism”.

Flossflower · 20/12/2023 12:13

My child never believed in Santa, Easter bunny, tooth fairy etc. They were just an intelligent logical child.

DelurkingAJ · 20/12/2023 12:14

If it is that she is autistic then please don’t lie to her to ‘keep the magic alive’ - you’re going to need her to trust you so much later on and she’ll remember. DS1 is autistic and also knew very young (he also had the classic fear of people in costume which he has slowly overcome). I spend a lot of my time explaining how the world works and other people think to make his life easier these days and, because he finds some of it so alien, he has to trust me and know I’d never lie to him.

Pigeonqueen · 20/12/2023 12:17

The autism thing interests me because I have autism and I absolutely solidly believed in Santa and the Tooth Fairy right up till I was 13 😳🙈 I remember crying my eyes out around that age because the kids at school had been telling me it was fake and my Mum carefully told me and I literally felt like it was the end of the world. My son aged 11 has quite severe autism and completely believes. I think for some people with autism we’re very trusting and if someone tells us something we blindly believe it, maybe because we’re not so good at lying ourselves 🤷‍♀️ no idea.

Username947531 · 20/12/2023 12:17

I'm not autistic but never believed in any of that stuff either. I got embarrassed when adults tried to engage me in the fantasy, though I was quite happy to play imaginative games with my friends. I was just hyper aware of what was real and what was not. As an adult I feel very sad that I missed out on all those wonderful experiences. Mine was due to childhood emotional neglect. I didn't feel safe enough to believe and didn't trust anyone so I only believed things that were tangible and evidence based.

Newsenmum · 20/12/2023 12:18

Just say “ah well believe what you like!” And not make a big deal out of it. Ask if she will wants Father Christmas to bring her presents? If she says yes then still do it.

CaptainMyCaptain · 20/12/2023 12:20

icallitasplodge · 20/12/2023 12:12

It’s actually quite worrying to see the amount of people who are very quick to think that their child knowing the difference between the truth and a lie must have “autism”.

Agreed.

BlowingAway · 20/12/2023 12:20

My kids were the same and never believed it any of that kind of thing. They still enjoy make believe.
Neither are autistic but both are smart (that's according to their teachers not just my personal bias!).
They have both been pretty good about not telling other little kids things aren't real.

PinkArt · 20/12/2023 12:22

not the real Elsa though
This bit sugggests that she very much believes there is a real Elsa, just not that the one she met was real. I don't think that's a bad thing. It means she probably still believes in the real Father Christmas, but knows the one in the shopping centre isn't him. Which might save some questions about how FC can be in all of those shopping centres at once if you see a few more fake FCs!

waterrat · 20/12/2023 12:22

Surely it would be an odd child who really thought they were meeting rudolph at their local market?? I think you are overthinking this op she sounds smart as others have said! Let her enjoy it fir the performance it is

Mirabai · 20/12/2023 12:22

BIossomtoes · 20/12/2023 10:20

The Disney castle is real.

https://neuschwansteintickets.com/

That’s not the Disney Castle though, merely the one on which it’s based.

adriftabroad · 20/12/2023 12:23

IMO all this Elsa/Disney crap Elf on the shelf has ruined Christmas a bit. It is so oviously all fake/commercial.

Concentrate on the traditional things which are magical!

Your DD sounds intelligent and lovely.
My DD hated all things disney thank god.

She pretended about FC after about 5.

CaptainMyCaptain · 20/12/2023 12:24

adriftabroad · 20/12/2023 12:23

IMO all this Elsa/Disney crap Elf on the shelf has ruined Christmas a bit. It is so oviously all fake/commercial.

Concentrate on the traditional things which are magical!

Your DD sounds intelligent and lovely.
My DD hated all things disney thank god.

She pretended about FC after about 5.

I totally agree.

Mirabai · 20/12/2023 12:24

adriftabroad · 20/12/2023 12:23

IMO all this Elsa/Disney crap Elf on the shelf has ruined Christmas a bit. It is so oviously all fake/commercial.

Concentrate on the traditional things which are magical!

Your DD sounds intelligent and lovely.
My DD hated all things disney thank god.

She pretended about FC after about 5.

Agreed.

Ponderingwindow · 20/12/2023 12:30

Knowing it is fake doesn’t mean it isn’t fun.

we never actually tried to pretend any of it was real, even while we did all the same activities. She did come home from her first few months in nursery with a sudden zeal of the converted. We didn’t contradict her in any way and just played along.

dd figured things out pretty quickly. Her eventual evaluation did show ASD and a high IQ.

we still do all the same activities. Santa still comes to our house even though she is learning to drive at this point . She has a great imagination and writes short stories and makes art.

keep having fun and doing things. Just stop trying to convince your child that fantasies are reality. Treat her like an equal in that regard. It will be more enjoyable for her and for you.

“lets go see the reindeer. Do you think there will be a Rudolph? “
Your child can decide from that the level to take it too. Does she feel like being a bit magical or does she want to talk about the proprietor trying to make a reindeer look like Rudolph. If she is the “little lawyer” ASD type, it may be the later, but she will still enjoy that experience.