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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you say yes if at front of line and was asked to let a disabled child first ?

230 replies

Nearlyfinished2023 · 19/12/2023 16:06

Today my DD with her aunt went to some Xmas pop up thing, which had a character meet n Greet with one of her fav characters.
her rang me on the way home whilst I was talking with a friend and said how when they got there the line was massive and she took DD to the front to speak to the lady ( DD has visible tubes ) to ask how long the wait was in which they replied 2 hours. Aunt told DD there was no way she would stand in that cold for 2 hours and that maybe they could do something else. The worker then asked the front people if they didn’t mind if they Let her quickly run in to do the meet and greet, they were fine with this and DD got to go in.
my friend was mortified 😂 she was like I would be fuming and what about the people behind the first family what if they cared ?
she thinks it was very unfair as it was such a long line that everyone had to wait.
would you have minded ?

OP posts:
Original poster
Nearlyfinished2023 · 19/12/2023 18:18

see this is what’s confusing me - if they had not let my DD which is fine we would of gone home not got in line - because it would have been impossible. Sometimes that’s life and she has to miss out on things as I know her capabilities.
the argument of well people in the line may have difficulties or if someone was turned away from the front so then got in to the line baffles me - you either can’t line up or you can …

OP posts:
autienotnaughty · 19/12/2023 18:18

No issue at all and heartwarming to see the majority agree

TurnthePotatoes · 19/12/2023 18:19

Nearlyfinished2023 · 19/12/2023 18:09

I shall add my daughter isn’t “ neurodiverse”
well she probably is but that’s not what the issue was.
I get the whole thing we see it a lot on theme parks which is why the system changed to the virtual line situation.
I get a lot of yeh I agree my son has adhd / autism but that is not what the situation was or is.
the same goes when the convo changes to the whole offensive about blessings and people with neurodiverse children who clearly have their own set of issues get offended like well we wouldn’t change it why is it not a blessing.
our situation isn’t like that I would change it in a heart beat and I’m not ashamed of that.
I am glad that all children / adults etc have their adaptions made in certain places but not every disabled person is “ neurodiverse “
it always becomes about that.

the difficulty is I suppose that every disability comes with it own set of challenges and that each person has their own abilities and struggles that it does make it hard to be fair.

for what’s it’s worth I would never ask, and if we were in a situation where something wasn’t accessible to her or she couldn’t do then we would go else where.

You don't to put 'neurodiverse' in quotes,. it's an accepted term and I have no idea what your issue is with it.
The discussion only arose because, in saying that people would let someone ahead. They have to have made a value judgement as to that person's capability.

Your daughter has tubes coming out of her, clearly this means to a lot of people she's in need. And I guess you agree? I don't know whether tubes = unable to queue.
However, ADHD, autism, other ND conditions are examples of 'invisible' disabilities where the same 'kindness' might not be extended. Equally, other physical disabilities like a wheelchair might not preclude queueing.

So this isn't about neurodiversity it's about how people cannot proclaim 'I'd DEFINITELY do it !' As though it was bleedingly obvious who was worthy of sympathy and who wasn't.

Seriously though. That is not the most relevant. The only thing to take away. If 1-2 people. 5+ people - not fine.

You asked 'would I have minded' well if your daughter was the 10th person, in the time I was queuing I certainly would. 1st person, probably not. You yourself said, you'd have left the queue.

Original poster
Nearlyfinished2023 · 19/12/2023 18:22

I am aware it’s a real thing- I am stating that she probably has but not diagnosed.
but that is isn’t the reason she couldn’t line up

OP posts:
TurnthePotatoes · 19/12/2023 18:23

Nearlyfinished2023 · 19/12/2023 18:22

I am aware it’s a real thing- I am stating that she probably has but not diagnosed.
but that is isn’t the reason she couldn’t line up

But nobody is saying that it is.
We're just comparing different disabilities.
Because 99% of people on this page assume disability = skip to the front.
And don't consider that there could be loads of them.

OracleofAragorn · 19/12/2023 18:24

straight away , i would say yes of course they could, kindness and manners costs nothing and its also doing a good deed too by helping as best as possible @Nearlyfinished2023

LadyEloise1 · 19/12/2023 18:24

DramaAlpaca · 19/12/2023 16:10

I wouldn't have minded at all.

Nor I.

housethatbuiltme · 19/12/2023 18:25

As a disabled person with disabled children who has always waited our turn, yes I would bloody mind and cannot stand when cheeky fuckers do this. It makes a mockery of the systems designed to genuinely help people who CAN'T to just misuse it as an excuse for laziness.

Why should everyone else stand for 2 hours but you don't feel you should have too. As for its 'only 5 minutes' yes for EVERYONE that then thinks they deserve to push in too because they can't be bothered either.

There is zero reason listed in the OP as to why yous couldn't have waited just that the adult didn't 'feel like standing in the cold'. I guarantee plenty of people in a queue thats 2 hours long also have a wide range of disabilities (its hardly 'rare' or special) but they manage to wait their turn.

BungleandGeorge · 19/12/2023 18:26

@TurnthePotatoes i think you’ve got the wrong person I’ve made no claim to know who needs to skip the clue. There are disability schemes which ask for proof which I what most businesses use. I can assure you it’s not all ND people though from personal experience and it’s obvious that 20% aren’t doing it when you go out!

TurnthePotatoes · 19/12/2023 18:29

BungleandGeorge · 19/12/2023 18:26

@TurnthePotatoes i think you’ve got the wrong person I’ve made no claim to know who needs to skip the clue. There are disability schemes which ask for proof which I what most businesses use. I can assure you it’s not all ND people though from personal experience and it’s obvious that 20% aren’t doing it when you go out!

Reading comprehension love. Where did I say 20% of ND people are can't queue? I was merely pointing out disability isn't as uncommon as people think it is.
As for this specific situation... maybe you don't believe it, as you're lucky that is' never happened to you. But I have experienced it quite a few times. so has a PP.

Are you clearly stating that, you wouldn't have minded OP's daughter going ahead, if she was the 10th person to do so, in the time you'd been queuing? Even if you believe this is an entirely fictional scenario that would NEVER happen. Apply some imagination, would you be happy with that?

Original poster
Nearlyfinished2023 · 19/12/2023 18:30

I’m confused - it wasn’t about an adult who didn’t want to get cold. I said a 100 times it was DD who couldn’t and if they hadn’t kindly let her in then I would of told her to take her home.

OP posts:
ChihuahuaMummy · 19/12/2023 18:34

Nearlyfinished2023 · 19/12/2023 18:30

I’m confused - it wasn’t about an adult who didn’t want to get cold. I said a 100 times it was DD who couldn’t and if they hadn’t kindly let her in then I would of told her to take her home.

Don't let people like the previous poster make you feel bad. Thankfully most on here wouldn't have an issue with it and would want to see your DD have a good time.

TodayForTomorrow · 19/12/2023 18:35

I wouldn't have minded one bit about letting your daughter go first, but I would be annoyed at any event organiser who was allowing two hour queues, especially for something presumably aimed at children.

NotInTheMoodForIt · 19/12/2023 18:43

I wouldn't mind and I'd probably have offered if I was at the front and overheard but since becoming disabled myself I've noticed that even though lots of people say no body should or would mind, a lot of people do, especially if you don't look disabled enough.

Some people see the accommodations to allow disabled people to take part in things as being unfair because they don't have them.

MargaretThursday · 19/12/2023 18:48

Something I'm on the fence about really.

If I'd been at the front I'd probably have said to the aunt "just nip in front of us" whether there was a disability or not, if the child looked upset. I've done that before, and would do it again.
As others have said, as long as that was the only one, I can't imagine having any reaction at all other than "go ahead". If it was the 10th that I'd seen in a 2hr long queue, then I'd probably begin to feel irritating, and wonder how much of the 2hours would have been reduced if they weren't letting people jump in.

One of my dc had a friend who really couldn't queue. Fast track made a huge difference to them, and made it possible for her to enjoy things that otherwise were total no goes. She just didn't stop and would last about 2 minutes waiting before bolting; even with 2-3 adults with her it was difficult.

Ideally I think the ride would have some way of booking for the children who need it. So your Aunt, having been told that the queue was 2 hours long, would have been given a 2hour wait, but then they could come back. Obviously if this isn't in place though, then the operator probably couldn't do that without the risk that the next shift would then have refused it. Maybe you could email and suggest that for next time?

Agapornis · 19/12/2023 21:27

I have worked at a free visitor attraction that had big queues and no advance booking of any sort. If you told any member of staff that you were unable to queue because of a disability they would have let you skip the queue. Standard procedure. Don't worry about other visitors waiting in the queue, the staff will be able to deal with any (rare) grumpy reactions.

secular37 · 20/12/2023 00:33

It's these small acts of kindness that tells me that there's some hope in humanity.

No, I would not have minded at all.

marshmallowfinder · 20/12/2023 15:27

Nearlyfinished2023 · 19/12/2023 18:30

I’m confused - it wasn’t about an adult who didn’t want to get cold. I said a 100 times it was DD who couldn’t and if they hadn’t kindly let her in then I would of told her to take her home.

Would've. Not of.

ColleenDonaghy · 20/12/2023 15:39

marshmallowfinder · 20/12/2023 15:27

Would've. Not of.

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Classy.

CormorantStrikesBack · 20/12/2023 15:50

It’s fine. I mean if you were at Disney they do this for all such kids.

TurnthePotatoes · 20/12/2023 20:43

MargaretThursday · 19/12/2023 18:48

Something I'm on the fence about really.

If I'd been at the front I'd probably have said to the aunt "just nip in front of us" whether there was a disability or not, if the child looked upset. I've done that before, and would do it again.
As others have said, as long as that was the only one, I can't imagine having any reaction at all other than "go ahead". If it was the 10th that I'd seen in a 2hr long queue, then I'd probably begin to feel irritating, and wonder how much of the 2hours would have been reduced if they weren't letting people jump in.

One of my dc had a friend who really couldn't queue. Fast track made a huge difference to them, and made it possible for her to enjoy things that otherwise were total no goes. She just didn't stop and would last about 2 minutes waiting before bolting; even with 2-3 adults with her it was difficult.

Ideally I think the ride would have some way of booking for the children who need it. So your Aunt, having been told that the queue was 2 hours long, would have been given a 2hour wait, but then they could come back. Obviously if this isn't in place though, then the operator probably couldn't do that without the risk that the next shift would then have refused it. Maybe you could email and suggest that for next time?

That aside In 2023 there's really no excuse for making people wait in the cold. Plenty of free/cheap apps that let you create scannable QR codes that generate queue tokens!

Yes, I'm sure some people have no smartphones/data/can't work tech but that's easily resolved - the organiser generates a token for them - and only they queue!

I've been to loads of student run events that were better organised. It amazes me how little common sense many 'professional', erm, 'event planners' have sometimes.

Tinkerbyebye · 20/12/2023 20:54

No I wouldn’t have minded. I may be cross if lots did it but in this case no

Achildbelongstoitsmother · 21/12/2023 08:26

GreatAuntMaude · 19/12/2023 17:32

I am sorry to pick on you but no. My disabled kids are blessings. The neurodivergent ones and the one with an incurable health condition. I know you mean well. But we don't need pity. Really.

Edited
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You have just convinced me there is no need to allow a disabled child to go to the front of the queue.

Hesma · 21/12/2023 08:35

I’ll be honest. Although I’d like to say in principle that I wouldn’t mind I would probably be a little miffed if I’d been stood in line for 2 hours with my autistic child and then had to explain to her how someone else waltzed to the front. She would struggle to empathise with how that was fair. No disrespect to your child and if my DD was NT it wouldn’t be an issue. I hope your child had a wonderful experience.

GreatAuntMaude · 21/12/2023 08:41

Achildbelongstoitsmother · 21/12/2023 08:26

You have just convinced me there is no need to allow a disabled child to go to the front of the queue.

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...which is more or less what I was saying 🤔

I don't think disabled people should get an automatic pass to not queue. I think it very much depends on situation, rest of queueing cohort age and fractiousness etc.

It's possible to recognize that someone might sometimes have a valid reason not to wait a long time in a queue, without feeling that they and their family need to be pitied.