To think it's such a shame that family bonds are being destroyed and going NC is becoming more and more common?

[PinotViogner]

Just that really. I might just be an old fart desperately yearning for the old days but I was raised to believe in the importance of having family around you and I find it horribly sad that so many people I know have family that haven't spoken to them for years.

Obviously in cases where some bad behavior has gone on it's understandable but surely there's nothing that can't be worked on? Going NC is so extreme and I think should be a last case resort if done at all.

Yabvu
My mothers family hid sexual abuse and alcoholism under the guise ‘well we don’t need to talk about that’
They maintained superficial and damaging relationships with one another and lied to themselves about how much they loved each other. My own parents then felt they could do/say whatever they wanted and ‘we didn’t need to fall out’. They pretend my neglectful childhood didn’t happen and when I raised it accused me of being a trouble maker.
i am breaking that cycle and i am unapologetic about it. It should have happened generations ago.

Family members who behave so badly that a person finds it easier to take the self-injurious route of cutting themselves off from their family don't tend to be receptive to "just working on it".

Otherwise we'd do that instead of, you know, cutting them off.

It isn't done on a whim. It isn't done because they're being a little bit overbearing, or perhaps a touch eccentric, or maybe a smidge thoughtless at times. It's because the person is inflicting or has inflicted physical or emotional harm, and shows no awareness of it or remorse for it.

I loathe threads like this because of course you don't understand why people go NC if you think that people go NC because of a bit of bad behaviour that can be sorted out over a nice cuppa.

Not a direct link to that but there are studies of murder maps.

The historian Laurence Stone calculated that homicide levels in medieval England were at least 10 times what they are today. Certainly, we cannot doubt that it was a dangerous time in which to live. An exceptional case, even by medieval standards, is provided by 14th‑century Oxford. Levels of violence there were considered unacceptably high by contemporaries: in the 1340s, the homicide rate was around 110 per 100,000. (In the UK in 2011, it was 1 per 100,000.)

https://www.historyextra.com/period/medieval/life-violence-middle-ages-murder-crime/

NB: I haven't checked the data analysis of any of these links or claims.

https://www.cam.ac.uk/stories/medieval-murder-maps

https://www.bloomberg.com/news/articles/2018-12-05/murder-in-medieval-london-mapped

Some situations I see on this site send shivers down my spine. The amount of encouragement to go NC over the most silly and petty things is devastating to witness 😔

I do think low contact is hidden better in bigger families. My great grandmother was one of nine children, and inevitably in a family that big there were relationships that barely functioned, but you'd hardly notice in a group that size. It just becomes accepted that because X has gone to live in the Orkneys you don't see her any more.

It took me until I was about 40 to notice that one of my aunts and one of my uncles just didn't get on and you barely saw them at the same family events - perhaps once a decade. But because they were from a family of 5, so 10 with partners plus myriad children, nobody had to notice it.

I don't think you've taken on board what has been said on this thread.

Do you think a life of petty arguments and toxic interactions is healthier?

You remind me of all the people who tell me ‘You’ll miss her when she’s gone, I’d give anything to have mine back, oh it’s not very nice to talk about her like that…’ when I mention my mum.

If my mum was like theirs, I probably would. She isn’t.

Someones MIL isn't their cup of tea so now their children will never know their granny?

In situations like this, I would say the woman is abusive/controlling.

The MIL would have a son who is an equal parent to the grandchildren and is also not letting them see his mum.

So he either agrees and chooses to go NC for bigger reasons or his wife is abusive and controlling and stopping him and the kids from seeing his mum.

I voted YANBU. But.... I went NC with my mum many years ago. She is mentally ill.

From the account of my uncle on my mum's side (who is a bit loopy himself) and of my aunty on my dad's side, my mum was a decent person before an accident with a powerdrill that led to a brain haemorrhage.

My older brother (I wasn't born until around 8 years later) was around 18 months old when my mum, post-powerdrill accident, fell to the floor when an aneurysm in her head exploded. The doctors drained the blood from her head and eased the pressure on her brain before it could kill her, unfortunately substantial brain damage had already occurred from the pressure and the doctors told my uncle that she would not be the sister he grew up with and will not be able to differentiate between right and wrong.

From then on, she had two more children, one of whom died at just 2 weeks old, and then me. Obviously I never knew her pre-brain bleed, but suffice to say my upbringing was awful. She nearly destroyed me. There's a chance that had she not have had a brain haemorrhage years prior, she would have not been the nasty witch she became, but there is no way for me to know for sure. I didn't want to go NC with her, as I hate how fractured families become after cutting people off.

I had to go NC with her because she was on a path to completely ruining my life.

TL;DR Generally YANBU, but sometimes needs must.

There really are some things that cannot and should not be 'worked on' - abuse in its many forms being one of them. If there has been bad behaviour where the perpetrator can own their behaviour, seek to change and beg forgiveness that's one thing, but abusers often cannot change, do not want to change, and refuse to see that they are wrong. In which case I fully applaud the decision to cut these people off and refuse to have them in their lives any more.

It's this kind of societal judgement that makes people keep 'family' in their life that they shouldn't and which gives dysfunctional and abusive people leverage to make family members play along even in horrible circumstances.

I saw a post online recently saying:
Question: Name one gift many people take for granted.
Answer: Supportive parents.

Good for you OP that you haven't had to grow up in an environment that has forced you to make this decision. No one doesn't want family or the judgement that comes with it.

This grandparent sounds incredibly interfering and did cross boundaries. She shouldn’t be advising on how dil should feed the baby or insisting on visiting the hospital (she doesn’t sound like a person to ask nicely)
Your friend sounds very overbearing and I guarantee the DIL has a very different perspective on this

It just feels that these days the reasons for isolating a family member have become increasingly petty or small. Someones MIL isn't their cup of tea so now their children will never know their granny

I don't believe that people are going no contact on a whim. I don't believe you have any evidence to show that either. What you may have is anecdotal data of you/ your friend 🙄being cut off by their daughter in law, clearly without looking at the other side of the story.

Some things aren't fixable and it does your mental health no good at all continually looking for something that doesn't exist.

Going NC with a parent is the best decision I’ve ever made.

In some circumstances it’s warranted, some of the stuff I read on here MIL hatred I think people need to chill a bit (and yes I’ve had more than my fair share of issues with my MIL)

I think you will find that the children are very much at the forefront of the decision in almost all cases. They are often the catalyst for cutting out an abusive relationship, because we tolerate things for ourselves that we absolutely won't for our children.

Your language gives you away, OP. Do you think the DIL in your little anecdote would say that her MIL is just "not her cup of tea"? We see you.

I am NC with my mother. My truth is that she is abusive and narcissistic and has caused me lifelong psychological damage. If you listen to her side of the story SHE is the victim and has done absolutely nothing wrong and any notion that she abused me is ridiculous because she never hit me.

You may think you know the full story but if you've only got one side you almost certainly do not.

No it's not. More people should do it. It has taken me years and in those years I put up with endless shite. Then they started on my children. Scapegoating them like they scapegoated me. So I fucked them off. Last straw. They don't do that to my children and expect to stay in our lives. Their loss.

Incidentally my MIL fell out with two of her siblings in the 70s after a family death and they've never spoken again. They're all in their 80s now. I don't think she ever regretted it.

I fell out with my BIL after my husband died. We're not officially NC, we just aren't in touch. I dont really care if the reason isn't good enough for other people, and I've realised that he never thought much of me, or frankly anyone as far as I can make out.

I'm often amazed on here at the small transgressions that people are willing to cut contact over. I swear a poster will say, my mil asked to hold my newborn, I didn't want her to...yeah cut her off, you don't need that sort of toxic person in your life.

I think it hugely depends on the circumstances and that blood is thicker than water applies to some cases and not to others. I’m not perfect by any means so it would have to be a huge thing to make me go nc and I love my family even though we aren’t close anymore and have a lot of issues. I’ve seen what happens when people go nc, wouldn’t wish it on anyone- my dad and his siblings didn’t talk for years, it only got sorted when he was dying and everyone’s regrets came out (all lovely people just all, including dad, decided each of the others weren’t being fair to my granny). My Aunty and her parents didn’t talk for years over a boyfriend and it really changed her and was so sad (she’s still a legend but quieter) My own dream always is family time, sadly we’re scattered and everyone is too busy

I think it’s always happened though, families going “no contact”. But people would say “haven’t spoken for years” instead in times gone by.

Some parents are toxic.

My mum accused my husband of being sexually interested in our daughter!

She also smacked my other child (in Kensington Gardens of all places) to the extent that people stepped in and called the police.

She made my life an absolute hell when I was young.

I was NC for several years until I was emotionally blackmailed into getting back in contact by my sister who lives on the other side of the world as mother and stepfather (now deceased) were rather frail.

I regret it every day.

Someones MIL isn't their cup of tea so now their children will never know their granny?

I disagree - most DIL's go through a stage of tolerance for their MIL before they refuse contact. In my case my OH was happy to 'allow' me contact if I wished but not the children, whilst 'repairs' were made - I, having reflected a lot over the years, decided I didn't want to keep trying and it would be healthier to remove myself and children completely. No regrets.

If the PIL's can be trusted to not bad mouth and give their GC what they should, then not many would shut off their IL's just because "MIL isn't their cup of tea", myself included. I have many reasons to not maintain contact with IL's (for me) but, because their roll as grandparent's are of benefit to DC, I grit my teeth and roll with it. In contrast, because I've no family left to lose, they also know I won't think twice about not taking toxic nonsense from them or others.

I think there's something more grown up in accepting that blood doesn't mean permission to mistreat...more people should be held accountable for their behaviour!