To think it's such a shame that family bonds are being destroyed and going NC is becoming more and more common?

[PinotViogner]

Just that really. I might just be an old fart desperately yearning for the old days but I was raised to believe in the importance of having family around you and I find it horribly sad that so many people I know have family that haven't spoken to them for years.

Obviously in cases where some bad behavior has gone on it's understandable but surely there's nothing that can't be worked on? Going NC is so extreme and I think should be a last case resort if done at all.

Of course I read it and I can actually distiguish between your OP and the point the poster was making, unlike you seem to be able to do.

Your OP was about people going NC for something petty which you found totally unreasonable and should just be worked on if all were adult enough. Nobody is a victim of anything.

The point the other poster was making was that some are in abusive relationships and are being controlled in a way that leads them to becoming isolated from family and friends. This is NOT petty and there are actual VICTIMS involved. Namely the person in the abusive relationship and their family. It cannot be overcome by someone manning up. It's completely destructive and very hard for anyone to leave with just some 'strength' and 'seeing sense'.

There is a distinct difference and this isn't what came out in your OP at all. It was just about someone whining that mummy was a bit unfair and they are therefore going NC.

Agree. i used to be on an online group for estranged adult children and it was constantly getting overrun with people doing this for shits and giggles. Always with a concern for their dear friend who’d been cut off for a couple of innocuous comments.

Your right, I'm sorry I got you and another poster with a similar user name mixed up, I apologise.

There are definitely people that do. But given that this thread has dissolved into poster after poster (yourself included) suggesting that people who get NCed are 100% always abusive and deserving of it, this post was indeed very vindicating to my argument.

Do you disagree that isolating your partner from loved ones in order to control them is in fact abusive? Do you honestly think that no parent out there has ever lost contact with a child to an abusive partner?

So your argument that people going NC is not always because of abuse is that sometimes it's because of abuse?

Not because of people being silly and petulant?

Wonderful it turns out we all agree then which is excellent.

Sometimes it's the only option when your family is abusive.

You know there probably are people who go NC even though there hasn't been abuse. But the percentage is tiny and it's certainly not a trend. The 'trend' is that mental health is being taken seriously, trauma and emotional abuse are being understood better and people become more aware of how to improve their mental wellbeing. There is more education around this too.

*There are definitely people that do. But given that this thread has dissolved into poster after poster (yourself included) suggesting that people who get NCed are 100% always abusive and deserving of it, this post was indeed very vindicating to my argument.

Do you disagree that isolating your partner from loved ones in order to control them is in fact abusive? Do you honestly think that no parent out there has ever lost contact with a child to an abusive partner?*

You'd have a point there IF this is what your thread was about or if you had mentioned it at any point before that poster gave you a "Gotcha!" moment.

Up until then it was all about petty and silly reasons and nodding along sagely to comments of conflict resolution , mediators in a room and if only people put in more boundaries and were less weak.

You jumped on this point because it's the only one that gives some kind of legitimacy to your thread.

Are we to assume then OP that you have forgiven all slights against yourself provided they don't constitute abuse?

You've forgiven and maintained contact with all in your life who've disrespected you?

I seriously hope not. For your sake.

I'm pleased. I'm pleased for those who take this stand. I acknowledge some people are manipulated by partners. However, real life examples that I'm familiar with, it's more prevelent to be the result of disrespect, entitlement, denial (by the perpetrators), and just plain old abuse.

Mostly emotional abuse. Which is astonishingly difficult for ANYONE outside of that relationship to notice.

I went nc with my mother over £30

I'd taken years of her abuse-she loved to put me down,abuse me financially,mentally,physically and was an expert at gaslighting (she stole so much of my time,money-im talking thousands of pounds-and my reputation)

She encouraged family members to do the same-im just a slag who'll shag anything so it's fair game to abuse me

All my mistakes I've ever made where hung over my head and used against me every bloody day

I was flogging myself into an early grave to make her happy

Nothing I did was good enough for her

I rang her to ask if I could pay her back on the Monday rather than the friday (I had full intention of paying) and she went mental

Screaming I'm just a 'useless slag' 'I wish I'd aborted you' 'if I hadn't had you,I could have left your father and been happy' (what about my brothers?and they are still together) and 'I wish you'd fucking died at birth'

I put the phone down and have never spoken another word to her

My punishment is for the other family members to be banned from speaking to me-and to slag me off to anyone who will listen

I have people I've never met who hate me because she's so good at glossing over what she's done (it never happened-shes a perfect mother,after all my brothers still speak to her-only because shes minted and they are waiting for her to die)

its all how bad I am-people believe I belong in Broadmoor,will shag anything,will steal anything not pinned down,have a split personality-the list is endless

I tried to be the best dd but I would never have been good enough for her,nothing was good enough,she always wanted more

She simply never loved me

But you do you and think I didn't try hard enough and am unreasonable for walking away from the lot of them

I still feel guilty that I owe her the £30 though

Depends, my deadbeat dad is a literal stranger... why would I contact him? He couldn't be bothered to contact me all my life.

I have my DH and kids, I'm not lonely without him... he has no one though because he threw everyone in life away.

He did this over 3 decades ago so not 'new'.

Or they want to feel better and superior to other people.

They haven't ruined their families.
They've stuck by their families because they are better than people who were too weak to resolve issues.
They are capable of sucking it up.

This also normalises the crap and makes it continue.

Why DO people spend time at Christmas with people they don't like, undermine their confidence, make them feel like crap and dump a shedload of work on them whilst their guest sits on their arse? And then offers no emotional support when you actually need it?

Why bother when you could spend that time by yourself or with people you actually like?

Just so you can say 'family'?

There's one in our family who is clearly on her latest episode of causing a drama about nothing because she thinks she's the centre of the universe. I just can't be arsed with it. She's not emotionally abusive. But she is attention seeking . And I just don't have time for it. Life's too short and quite frankly I've got other shit to do. She makes no effort the other way. It's just one way traffic the entire time. Why shouldnt I be a bit more selfish about it and spend time with people I like and appreciate the help and support and return that because there's mutual respect? I can't offer meaningful support to someone who isn't interested in it anyway. Support doesn't mean being a sponge for emotional vampires.

Why do we have to be miserable because other people in our family are permanently miserable and just want to drag us down to their level?

What's wrong with allowing yourself a little happiness?

Except you think that in all cases the abuse comes from the people being NCed. So no we're not on the same page as you think that the parents of the abuse victims in this example must be at fault since they're the ones being ghosted.

I on the other hand lay the blame squarely with the abuser. You seem against this for some reason.

As an example, a dear friend of mine in her 60s has only met her grandson twice as she apparently 'crossed boundaries' set by her dil by 1) asking to visit baby in hospital after birth 2)offering to stay over and help out as dil had a very difficult labour and was physically unable to get around much afterwards and 3) suggesting that maybe switching to formula would be beneficial for baby and would take the stress away from dil (worth noting that dils insistence on breastfeeding caused the baby to end up underweight before she finally relented).
It doesn’t really sound plausible does it?

Anyway, I’m far from convinced that this phenomenon has notably changed. There are decades old rifts going back in my family, with resulting no-contact between parent and child, or siblings. No crimes, SA or anything like that, just vanilla disagreements…

This!

So you've now changed your story to the fact that your Friends DiL is abusive and controlling the Son?

Sorry OP. I think you've run out of road a bit here and if that was the case, you'd have mentioned this a lot sooner and not when someone chucked you a few crumbs.

If the Son is being manipulated in NC. This is indeed not petty or minor either.

Try to remember, your friend likely isn't sharing the whole picture. This is as likely that she's the "victim" of an abusive DiL.

My ex in-laws see themselves as one wonderfully happy family.

When a couple of them were abusive towards me during my marriage break up (punishing me for some outrageous things my ex had done to them) the others just silently stood by.

They didn't have the gumption to call out bad behaviour towards me, I apparently couldn't easily have a relationship with just a few of them, so I gave up on them.

Because I'm the supposed to be doing the chasing that apparently equates to no contact.....

I don’t think going NC is a modern day thing. People have always done it but you just didn’t mention it, back then it wasn’t acceptable to discuss family matters or air your linen in public so if you were estranged from your family, you literally just never mentioned them or even made up elaborate lies that they had moved away or even died. People were just more private and if you didn’t mention your family , people were polite and didn’t probe, they assumed they had all passed away , emigrated or something.
Nowadays people are more confident to relate their experiences and it’s not seen as shameful to come from a “problem family”.

I wasn't referring to that. This was an example by another poster who brought up the fact that some cases of estrangement come from people being isolated from loved ones by an abusive partner. Nothing to do with my friends situation.

It’s a massive decision to go no contact, I can’t see that anyone does it for no reason.

I have been non contact with my dad as he was violent, abusive and an alcoholic. After I had my daughter I eventually realised he was a risk to her and she deserved better than to be exposed to that. Also that his unpredictability was affecting my mental health and would affect my ability to be a present, happy and stable parent.

I don’t go around telling people about the traumatic events because it’s none of anyones business and I’d hope that people would understand there would be a good reason without me needing to explain.

it’s complicated and I would like to have a relationship with him in some ways but I can’t do that without hurting my children and myself.

yabu for judging things you don’t know about

I on the other hand lay the blame squarely with the abuser. You seem against this for some reason.

You have persistently laid the laid the blame at the victims feet not the abuser. I have never once been against laying the blame with the abuser, quite the opposite on fact.

You have however displayed a lovely blatant attempt at DARVO.

Life it too short to put up with narcissists. Toxic people need to know that their behaviour has consequences. Pandering to bad behaviour just enables it.

Most of the stories I read on here about people who have gone NC with a relative nearly always sound like they deserve it.

My mistake.

OP have you forgiven and maintained contact with everyone who upset you or disrespected you.

Your friend, as we all do is painting one side of a relationship. That will have been selectively relayed in a way to evoke sympathy from you for them.

It is naive to claim you know everything about this situation. You really don't. You can't know if the true cause is petty.

Of all the people I know in real life who have chosen this route, it hasn't been for petty reasons. But the "victims" all claim no fault.

The harsh truth is it likely isn't for a petty reason and your friend won't recover any relationship playing victim and discounting anything she's done to contribute to it.

It was also easier to go NC without it being an obvious thing in times gone by.

My great-granny walked away from her parents. She moved from Leeds to the north of Scotland. Over 2/3 years she phased them out by writing less and less. Not having telephones, email and social media meant it didn’t have to be a stated “ I want nothing to do with you”. Families “lost touch” and it could be done deliberately.

Now no matter where you move to it’s still easy to stay in touch so losing contact takes an actual effort. It’s also much easier with so many cars for people to just turn up even if you don’t want them to.

and family estrangements could be hidden by losing touch so nobody would know that it was actually NC

You claimed that people only get NCed when they're abusers who deserve it, meaning that in this example the parents who were NCed as a result of their child's controlling relationship are the abusers.

There's no better way to support abuse than to paint abuse victims as being the ones at fault.