To think it's such a shame that family bonds are being destroyed and going NC is becoming more and more common?

[PinotViogner]

Just that really. I might just be an old fart desperately yearning for the old days but I was raised to believe in the importance of having family around you and I find it horribly sad that so many people I know have family that haven't spoken to them for years.

Obviously in cases where some bad behavior has gone on it's understandable but surely there's nothing that can't be worked on? Going NC is so extreme and I think should be a last case resort if done at all.

Is there any evidence it’s happening “more often”?

Family is important but people are less willing to put up with people who are shits just because they're family.

Reap what ye sow and all that.

Speaking as someone lucky enough to have close and loving Family ties I think YABU. why should people tolerate abuse, unhappiness, grief just to suit your silly rose-tinted view of family life? People (women especially) put up with so much in “the old days” that they no longer have to tolerate.

I've recently gone NC with my sister and parent. It eats me up everyday and I cry about it often. But aftet almost 40 years of abuse from my parent (physical and verbal and manipulation) and 20 years from my sister, I finally have the strength to put me first.

I am NC with my sister and my now dead father
Best thing I ever did.

Toxic people are like cancer and cutting them out is the only way to live happily and peacefully.

Blood means nothing to me.
We either have a respectful, kind, reciprocal relationship or we don't have one at all.

Everyone should freely choose who is in their lives.

Came for the replies.

Didn't get disappointed 😂😎

I’ve just read your update and you sound like you are from the dark ages - yet you’re not much older than me I think.

I think if this is a real post it shows an OP who really has not seen or experienced how toxic some people can be. Who doesn't understand abuse. Who is oblivious to the fact that som people simply CANNOT be reasoned with because they have no empathy, and no ability or interest in seeing the world through anything but their own lens.

It's sad that someone can be so oblivious to how many other people live, or the experiences they have.

So I (wrongfully) assumed that it went without saying that obviously when it comes to things like SA it is of course fine to go NC over that. When we're talking about literal crimes and serious abuse situations then I support anyone who chooses to leave.

Delighted to hear I am being excluded from your judgement and so are the other 25% of women who were sexually abused growing up should they too have been SA by a family member. Then of course serious addiction which may or may not overlap with SA. Domestic violence too.

Historically people who survived these upbringings often moved away. Anyone who doesn’t realise that people estranging family often have very good reason to do so should be very thankful for their own upbringing.

I think it a shame people like you take it upon themselves to stand in judgement on people they don’t know. HTH.

Some DILs absolutely are a bit precious. But really... I think the liklihood that you are getting the full story is very low.

Let me give you an example - ex BIL will tell anyone who will listen that he tried his best with SIL. That she cheated on him. That she abused him (physically and emotionally). That if she had just talked to him he could have changed.

Listening to him, you would 100% think she is a terrible person and he is a victim.

What he WON'T tell you is that she DID talk to him. She begged and pleaded for him to step up - to help at home, to do more with their DC (this is what he translated as the emotional abuse). That when he was unhappy at work, she financially supported him to go part time. That she paid for him to try and retrain. And yet... he never did any more work while simultaneously complaining that she didn't spend enough time with him. She once grabbed his arm and pushed him... because he had forced himself into her bedroom after they'd broken up, had grabbed her phone and was refusing to give it back. She did not cheat on him.

I have the same mindset as you.

But it makes me keep contact with a mother and father that I should be NC with.

I actually started a thread about a minor thing my mum did and posters were shocked by her behaviour even though it was just the tip of the iceberg but it’s just something that I put up with ‘because she’s family’.

I do know someone who went NC with her mum because she spelt her grandchild’s name wrong (literally put an extra letter in) and I thought it was so OTT but for all I know it was the straw that had broken the camels back.

People have always been estranged from family. NC is just a new name for it.

My father physically, sexually and emotionally abused my Mum and I had to witness it. Once Mum finally got the courage to divorce him why should I (or my siblings) work on my relationship with him? I do work very hard on my relationship with my mother and she doesn't make it easy!

You’re talking absolute bobbins OP!

If people want you in their lives they should treat you with respect and kindness. In most cases this is not done lightly but to protect yourself and your children from harm and abuse or toxic situations. I think people are more aware now that they don’t actually have to put up with awful people who bring nothing but negativity and or make them or their children feel awful every time they see them!

If I had my time again I'd move far away from my mother and have minimal contact. I've been an absolute doormat to play happy families given how she treated me and my father. I hope young women now will have higher standards and self worth than I did.

(worth noting that dils insistence on breastfeeding caused the baby to end up underweight before she finally relented).

This little gem tells us everything we need to know about why your DIL your friend's DIL went NC. Good on DIL, I hope she finds peace having broken away from her toxic MIL.

I agree with most PPs that there can be very good reasons.

However, this

People don't go NC for silly reasons

gives me pause for thought. In families, there is the phenomenon of the scapegoat child/family member. If you asked the family why they're not in touch with that family member, they'd come up with what would sound like "silly reasons" but they'd all have their roots in the scapegoat script. It's not unknown for the all parties to have no idea that that is why is happening, so what they're left with is what sounds like "silly reasons". (It's not just narcissist families but can be ones with addiction etc.)

https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/the-narcissist-in-your-life/202202/the-8-types-children-scapegoated-in-narcissistic-families

Oh how life goes when only know the side of the 'apparent victim' eye roll families don't just walk away from other BLOOD relatives because they're bored or having a tiff, they walk away because they've had enough BS to last a life time and decide to break the cycle of toxicity! Very few fallings out are through petty happenings - I'd go as far to say that sometimes the most petty of reasons are just the thing to tilt a person over the edge to no contact.

Consider, your friend's son was willing to sever a relationship from his mother ONLY because of those few reasons you gave?! Nah, a family member who is otherwise secure and supported by their parent wouldn't do that (bar reasons of DA, and being issolated) unless there are underlying reasons.

I agree with a previous poster - you're either naive to how family's REALLY run; really believe family are everything even where their presence is toxic or, you are speaking from a place of privilege and have no idea what it's like to turn your back on those who are meant to have just that, your back/interests at heart/love you unconditionally.

I'm past wishing for what I never had, and wish well those who have 'normal' relationships (with typical disagreements ha) but my focus is using that energy I would be wasting trying to repair shit on my own family...and trying to help those who don't 'get it' that maybe the person they're friends with, isn't being completely honest as regards why they're not, umm, required 😉

:)

You're wrong.
Poor behaviour needs consequences. My brother was a bully to myself and my parents growing up. They're now dead and I'm his only sibling. Too bad. You don't get rewarded with a sibling relationship for that. Weirdly, it's my way of coming out on top.

Yes and no. Some people are escaping abuse etc and go no contact for understandable reasons. Sometimes seeing someone again can reopen old traumas especially if you know they will never change and it's best to walk away. However it is fairly common on MN to see replies diagnosing OPs relatives as narcissists or toxic, based solely on a one sided account of an emotionally charged disagreement. They will then advise the OP to go NC which is quite worrying.

So a lot of people have rightfully pointed out that going NC is hardly a new thing which is of course correct so to rephrase it's the reasoning behind going NC that I think has been taken too far. It just feels that these days the reasons for isolating a family member have become increasingly petty or small. Someones MIL isn't their cup of tea so now their children will never know their granny? I feel often the children in these situations never get considered as its always about mum or dad having a row with someone and then boom all of a sudden they go NC and extend it to their children who now are losing our on family and a support network