To think it's such a shame that family bonds are being destroyed and going NC is becoming more and more common?

[PinotViogner]

Just that really. I might just be an old fart desperately yearning for the old days but I was raised to believe in the importance of having family around you and I find it horribly sad that so many people I know have family that haven't spoken to them for years.

Obviously in cases where some bad behavior has gone on it's understandable but surely there's nothing that can't be worked on? Going NC is so extreme and I think should be a last case resort if done at all.

I think it's bloody marvelous!!

Your generation may have been raised to be complacent but I'm bloody glad mine and my children's are far less likely to accept "bad behaviour" from the people who are supposed to care for us most.

I could not care less about who this offends but I haven't spoken to my own mother in 11 years. She hasn't met any of her grandchildren and never will. We won't be at her funeral and the day she finally blesses us with her death will be a grand day indeed. My sister and I have VERY good reasons for feeling this way....

In short - 'family bonds' my jaxie!

My mother has been an alcoholic my whole life.
Last Christmas she gave my daughter a box from a charity shop smeared with human faeces.
She gave my nut allergic husband nuts for Christmas (and was well aware of it)
She frequently told me how I was letting her down / betraying her / a bad daughter because I won’t move in with her to care for her.
I had an admission to a psychiatric hospital when I was 25. She refused to visit me and frequently told my husband he was an evil person for having me locked away.
She would phone me 3-4 times a day whilst I was at work to scream at me about what a bad daughter I was.
My five year old got cancer - she thought it was our fault and told me repeatedly how damaging it was to her mental health.
I could go on but I am deeply relieved to be no longer trying to work on our relationship. I just can’t do it. And yes, it saddens me greatly tbat that’s how things are and I do feel very guilty about it often. But that’s where we are. So I’m pleased for you that you feel there’s nothing that can’t be worked on and that you’ve never been confronted with a situation you find tbat difficult. But do try to think of other people - reading this has made me quite sad and feel guilty once again. Now that’s ok because it’s just random internet stuff and I can move on quickly enough - but please be a little more thoughtful with your conversations IRL.

I would never go NC with my parents, even if we had a falling out as I have had 50 years of a great relationship with them. People don't go NC for silly reasons. They go NC after years of abuse, either physical, emotional, sexual. I think it is probably more common when the 'child' of unpleasant parents have children themselves as they have someone they will put first and won't want them being subject to what they did.

In an ideal world people wouldn't go NC because there would be no reason to but there are lots of awful parents out there that don't deserve to have children

Both mine & my partner's families are pretty toxic, we're both abuse survivors & neither of us is at all sad that we're (mostly) NC so yeah, YABU.

I went nc and the relief was glorious, life is too short to put up with absolute shit from someone just because theyre a relative, I wouldn’t let anyone else treat me that way but I let my mother for years. Fuck that shit

I went no nc at 47 and I completely wish I had gone nc at 17. 4 years later I’m recovering but the damage is done but I will never forgive them all I can do is protect myself and my own children

the op has no idea what it is like to be punched in the head until it splits open

I think it's sad when people don't make the effort to stay in touch with siblings or cousins with whom they previously had a positive relationship. It probably happens more than in the past because it's become more common to move away from your hometown. My grandparents lived their whole life within 15 miles of their siblings

However, people who go NC due to toxic relationships? No judgement from me, only sympathy and compassion

I’ve just gone NC with my bio dad, feels really freeing to not have to stress about the relationship (if you can call it that) anymore

Ime the only people who go nc without a whole lot of soul-searching and heartache are hugely flawed individuals and are no great loss. For most people it's a really difficult, painful process to get to that point.

If you think it is 'nothing that can't be worked on' then you are either blind to the levels of abuse that go on in some families or are goading others. There is plenty that happens that can't be worked on, would you really want a child who was raped night after night by her father to 'work' on the relationship? What work would you suggest?

Well you might find it 'horribly sad' OP, but most people who have gone no contact, have done it for serious reasons, and most will feel immense relief.

Obviously in cases where some bad behavior has gone on it's understandable but surely there's nothing that can't be worked on?

Nothing?

So just sweep under the carpet all the childhood sexual abuse, physical abuse, emotional abuse? Your dad crept into bed with you to rape you as a child and your mum turned a blind eye? Sure that relationship can be saved, you just need to work on it 🙄

Personally I think you are blaming the wrong person in the equation but then who doesnt like a bit of goady victim blaming on a slow afternoon...

I'm sure you're just doing this for the rise, OP, but anyway, it's important for people to know they don't have to put up with being treated like crap, just because people like you think it would be better if they did.

@Dotjones

Have you got a link or point me in the direction re 1600s murder rates? It's not something I know anything about.

I think it's positive people are being clear about their own boundaries.

We all get one life, it is too short to put up with people who are toxic, abusive etc. It is also okay for people (predominantly women) to not be responsible for being at every family members beck and call.

My generation is the first to call bull sh** on being the go to Muppet to do everything for everyone.Thanks but I have a full time job, two children to raise and I also insist on me having time for myself and my chosen friends.

I watched two generations of women sacrifice their happiness by being guilted. If people are left alone it is rare there isn't a reason. I watched so many people have so little enjoyment for so short a time I was damned if I was following suit.

Maybe people who treat others badly will start to learn that they will get rejected? That society will notice? And might judge them. Just maybe awful people will improve and work on themselves.

but surely there's nothing that can't be worked on?

Sexual abuse?

Witnessing sexual abuse but not acting to protect child?

Repeat these but for physical, emotional abuse and neglect.

How ignorant can you really be, OP?

I think it's much more of a shame that there's a lot of people out there who think you can take advantage of someone endlessly, talk to them in ways that in a school or workplace would be considered bullying, shame or guilt trip them into doing things the way you want etc etc, all in the name of 'family'
'Family' should mean you treat each other well, but that's not my experience of most families!

It depends on the family. In the 60-70/80s it wasn't unusual for everybody to know that old uncle Bill was a perverted latch that couldn't be left alone with girls, but nobody would actually come out and SAY anything about it.

M my own mother is a toxic bitch that was complicit in my own child hood abuse and she also neglected our needs and left us emotionally stunted. In glad I went no contact with her and I do not believe that blood is thicker than water. I surround myself withwith petite that I can trust and that would put themselves out for me, add I would for them. THAT is what I want in my life. Not some toxic old hag that happened to both me and has whitewashed the part that she had in my shitty childhood.

I try incredibly hard to the exact opposite to her in every way and hope I have raised my children very differently.

I dislike the word goady but honestly, I think it fits in this case. The OP smacks of rose-tinted glasses/my generation put up with it so so why shouldn't others be miserable. I'm heartened by so many sensible, empathetic replies though.

My mother used the “you only get one Mother” as justification to be a narcissistic toxic human being. Was I supposed to just allow my children to be EA by her as well since she’s related to them? It’s rubbish having rubbish parents it’s really is without having to put up with other people’s judgement too

So do you OP, think I should keep in contact with my parents?

My dad completely ignores me existence. My mother favours my daughter over my son, who is also ignored.

You really think that’s a healthy thing I should be sticking with cos of faaaaaaamily?

You are absolutely being unreasonable. Just because you were raised in that kind of way doesn’t mean the rest of us were.

It takes incredible courage and mental strength for people to finally say enough and no contact. Just look at the people replying to you now and I’m seeing some posters still trying to justify it to themselves, to you.

Do you any idea what it’s like to have to check someone’s Facebook daily to check they are still alive and then phone the police/ hospital/prison if you don’t see then
on line for a while. To worry about them constantly. To have to justify yourself to strangers when they ask you to go and visit that person and they think you are being cruel by saying no… even though you are actually protecting them by not telling these well meaning people what this person is really like as they were different once and you don’t want to talk badly about them. To know what you have decided is absolutely right but still feeling guilty as they are your family and you still love them.

Horrible horrible post. Have a word with yourself