To think it's such a shame that family bonds are being destroyed and going NC is becoming more and more common?

[PinotViogner]

Just that really. I might just be an old fart desperately yearning for the old days but I was raised to believe in the importance of having family around you and I find it horribly sad that so many people I know have family that haven't spoken to them for years.

Obviously in cases where some bad behavior has gone on it's understandable but surely there's nothing that can't be worked on? Going NC is so extreme and I think should be a last case resort if done at all.

@PinotViogner

what have you advised to your friend to over bearing MIL?

have you encouraged her, and has she given a heartfelt apology?

’im really sorry I overstepped’?

a lot of ‘help’ offered to new mothers can come over as

’let me tell you how you are doing it wrong’ and ‘give your baby to me so I can show you how much better I do it’

Unless they knew each other really well and got along brilliantly the DIL was hardly likely to want her MIL staying at a very difficult time.

even the way you are describing it is ‘SEE? She was a failure at breastfeeding and should have done as my friend told her and given formula’

if breastfeeding was important to her she’s likely upset it didn’t work out and (rightly) feeling the support she got for it was crap and maybe with better support it could have gone better.

but your friend piled in to undermine her.

after all that it’s not surprising she wants her space.

maybe your friend needs to stop telling her how to mother her own child and ask how she can make amends?

It is never a decision taken lightly, or without pain. You live in a state of hope, constantly dashed.

There is a grief for the family you wish you had.

It's harder to go NC as everybody is so connected.

We are brave warriors.

Please quote where I have said that

Because I haven't and your twisting of what you have done consistently onto me, as a victim of abuse, to claim that I have been on the side of the abuser is repugnant behaviour

Luckily for me many other posters on this thread also see you for who you really are

Totally incredible and even though it's hard it is something to be proud of to have managed to do. It's liberating at the same time and a new life is possible which would otherwise not have been. It's bittersweet. I don't know if the grief will ever stop though.

@Neitheronethingnortheother I might be biased but this thread seems to have attracted people with first hand experience of abuse and NC. Because of what they have experienced it is easy for them to see through the OP and call them out. Once you see clearly you can never unsee.

I have personally known people for whom NC was a last resort decision to save their sanity. It was the best decision for them and allowed them to escape abuse. On the other hand I have witnessed an abusive husband isolate his partner from her loving family. She didn’t choose to go NC, she was made to. I have also seen a mother deliberately isolate her children from their father and his family to punish them and him for having the temerity to leave her.
As with most things there are multiple reasons and motivations for going NC. Not all people who go NC will be choosing to for the ‘right’ reasons but I do believe for the majority there are good and solid reasons for breaking contact. It is sad but it’s nothing new.

God this resonates. It's already hard enough to bear the brunt of their toxic wrath, but the way it permeates through all other family relationships too is the real killer. I've been slagged off, slandered, vilified and made out to be the biggest piece of shit by this person and all the others have stood by and spread the lies. I too, have people I've never met think I'm absolute scum as they've lapped up the gossip and bullshit. On my bad days it hurts like hell and I cry in pain at the unfairness of it all, at other times I just shake my head at how stupid and gullible people can be who have accepted that version of events and never thought to think there must be another side. My problem is in never given the chance to tell my side as I've been totally ostracized. Anyway, solidarity to you. What can we do eh, other than to try and live our own lives in the best way possible.

I doubt it's a real problem, OP. People who need to have always gone 'no contact'. We used to call it estrangement.

People chuck the new term about more casually and advise each other on a whim. But actually doing it isn't easy. I doubt anyone can maintain 'no contact' unless it really is an improvement.

I think talking about it is more common but I doubt that doing it is.

I have to say the privilege of thinking things "can be worked on" is immense - in my case, I'm NC with my mother due to years of physical and emotional abuse (including, for example, being slapped in the face so hard I fell over for the crime of being car sick).

How, precisely, do you suggest that is "worked on"?

I'm 61. My grandparents (long dead) stopped speaking to me when I was 8. Hardly new.

She should have kept her opinions to herself then. As should you in your judgey little verdict.

So many people put up with abuse in the 'good old days' because of shame surrounding leaving a family unit. You are being totally unreasonable. It's a very good thing that people now talk openly about and will not put up with abusive behaviour just because 'oh its family'

And it's also a good thing that people speak up about their boundaries being trashed by entitled family members.
I have got absolutely no time for people who expect you to put up with their horrible comments and opinions just because they are related to you in some way. People need to get told. I do not care who you are.. if you continue to treat me or anyone I love with disrespect you will no longer be a part of my life.

I was thinking about this the other day, because I have a relative nobody else speaks to anymore (and we all live in the same town which can be awkward)

There is no doubt in this case that the relative in question is the one at fault - over the years they caused trouble wherever they went. Everyone else got along fine, they lied/manipulated/played mind games and now they live a very lonely life (suspect also behaved the same way towards friends)

I regularly wonder if they regret being such an arsehole, or if they have no awareness/are mentally ill.

Doesn't really answer your question but I think many people have good reason for being NC.

I think OP has polarised the discussion by making the comment about NC only being acceptable in cases of "extreme abuse". Which rather gives the impression that in cases of "minor abuse" (what on earth is this!) she would expect the relationship to continue and be "worked on".

This thread is full of posters who have suffered abuse that probably doesn't qualify as "extreme" but nonetheless will have had a significant and lasting impact on their life and their physical and mental health. I haven't seen a single example of anyone who's gone NC due to a couple of disagreements over parenting decisions. Possibly because it's laughingly unlikely that people who otherwise get on would cut contact over something so minor.

Even OP's example of "trivial" which is painted to minimise the behaviour, suggests a history that is overbearing and controlling. If even the best picture you can give of yourself is so poor, what is the reality really like?

My parents tell people we cut contact because they wouldn't buy me a pen for school. I think actually admitting that you wouldn't buy your primary aged child a piece of essential school stationery is not the "see how trivial this is" gotcha, they think it is.