To think it's such a shame that family bonds are being destroyed and going NC is becoming more and more common?

[PinotViogner]

Just that really. I might just be an old fart desperately yearning for the old days but I was raised to believe in the importance of having family around you and I find it horribly sad that so many people I know have family that haven't spoken to them for years.

Obviously in cases where some bad behavior has gone on it's understandable but surely there's nothing that can't be worked on? Going NC is so extreme and I think should be a last case resort if done at all.

It's attitudes like yours that have resulted in my MIL watching her mum being scammed out of thousands of pounds by MIL's brother but refusing to do anything about it because it's faaaaamily and faaaaamily always have to stick together and forgive one another even when they're committing literal crimes and leaving others to clean up their messes.

Bollocks to that. You don't have an automatic right to treat someone like crap and expect to get away scot-free just because you share genetics.

I knew about people going NC long before I came on MN.

OP why do you think people disappear?

Nobody goes NC on a whim. It's an agonising decision.

This.

just because they’re family doesn’t mean they’re nice people who deserve your time. Or you may just be completely different people and not really get on.

I remember when my mum and her sister didn’t talk, the NC affected us all & wider family. So I always see LC/NC as an absolute last resort, always thought I would never do it.

Until nearly a year ago my MiL managed to create a situation that for me & my children NC is healthiest for us all. I’ve no regrets. My husband still speaks to her - only child. Her sister also doesn’t speak to her so she has form.

I would never judge why someone has chosen NC, as there is usually a very very good reason.

Disagree with you OP. I think it's good people feel empowered to make their wellbeing a priority. DH and I are NC with his family, they're all emotionally abusive jerks and we've been much happier for it. Doesn't stop us mourning the family dynamics that could have been but it was never realistic that there would be a healthy relationship there. The shame is on those who treat their family poorly, not the ones who walk away from it.

İt's really not a new thing.

I find it much sadder to think of people bound to relationships which cause them harm.

People exposed to harms in any form via family are absolutely right to distance themselves in which ever way seems fit. I'm sincerely thankful to the generations before me who made this acceptable and encouraged accountability and consequence for abuse in all its forms.

Sorry OP, I think your post is misguided.

I wonder if you just like the ideal of a close knit, loyal and dependant family network.......as most of us do.

YABVU. Frankly it’s nothing to do with you, is it? Some people have horrendous family members and NC is the best thing for their mental health.

thats exactly what I was going to put!

People always used put up with all sorts of shit in the name of family. I'm glad people aren't putting up with it anymore tbh.

I see (usually women) who are getting on themselves and utterly trapped caring for abusive parents in the name of family. Can get fucked if anyone sees that in my future

My culture/religion is all about family, and the estrangements and rifts I read about on here send a chill down my spine!

You cannot work on someone else's behaviour towards you.

So I (wrongfully) assumed that it went without saying that obviously when it comes to things like SA it is of course fine to go NC over that. When we're talking about literal crimes and serious abuse situations then I support anyone who chooses to leave.

I was referring more to some of the really petty reasons people have been using these days. It just seems that in my experience it takes so little for someone to immediately be forbidden contact.

As an example, a dear friend of mine in her 60s has only met her grandson twice as she apparently 'crossed boundaries' set by her dil by 1) asking to visit baby in hospital after birth 2)offering to stay over and help out as dil had a very difficult labour and was physically unable to get around much afterwards and 3) suggesting that maybe switching to formula would be beneficial for baby and would take the stress away from dil (worth noting that dils insistence on breastfeeding caused the baby to end up underweight before she finally relented).

She was just trying to be helpful during a stressful time and now has a grandchild she never sees and it absolutely kills her. This is the kind of stuff I think is getting out of hand.

@PinotViogner I think you need to think about what you’ve done to make your family go no contact with you. People don’t just do it for silly reasons. Was it an argument or an ongoing issue?

Honestly I'd prefer people felt able to cut toxic family out of their life if they felt they needed to than that they slogged on with people in their lives who made them feel like shit.

Bonds are important, but I have never understood the logic that blood family takes automatic precedence over family you create yourself and friends.

Family can a lifeblood but it can also be something which massively holds people back from achieving their potential if its not a supportive family. Good family are absolutely worth keeping in touch with but I don't think you should have to maintain contact with people purely because they are related to you, no.

Absolutely this.
Nice up there on your smug tower of " nice family" OP?
People usually go through heart breaking trauma and abuse before going NC so stop minimising their pain.
I stopped generations of abuse by putting my DC first .
This was after threats to kill, knife in hand in front of them so FO .
Yabvvvu

Yeah, I'd really like to hear the DIL's version of that story.

@PinotViogner has your friend tried apologising to her DIL for the things she said?

Have you heard the DIL’s side of the story?

You are so naive op to think that 'most things can be worked on'

And did you get the dil side from all this? My mother probably says all sorts about why we don’t speak.

My great great grandfather used to knock his wife about. There's a couple of newspaper articles about it. Eventually on of the sons seems to have stepped in and thrown his Dad out. This is about 1895 ish.

The couple were originally from Dublin and moved to Scotland.

After the father was thrown out he returned to Dublin and died in the workhouse. Alone. It looks like the whole family went no contact.

It looks like the violence in the home was normalised and accepted for the most part. No one did anything. But several of the daughters married and moved to Canada and don't appear to have stayed in touch.

My feeling from researching mine and DHs family is that going no contact wasn't uncommon - immigration certainly was common. But domestic abuse certainly was more tolerated. And it was also harder to leave. One relative of mine was a city missionary so worked to try and help people in absolutely desperate situations. The stories are utterly appalling to read.

And then there's the murder in DHs family of an aunt. It's a proper gruesome job - from about 1870ish. Woman had her throat slashed from ear to ear. And sadly it seems it wasn't hugely uncommon. She was blamed for it in the press though the husband was eventually hung.

So id question if we really did have more No contact. Larger families made it easier to just go and do you own thing to an extent. Emigration meant you would never see your family again. Prostitution was more prevalent. Violence was more tolerated and when that violence went too far, murders were more typical.

No contact is really the softest edge of all that in a world where we are almost unable to escape 24/7 contact.

There's definitely another side to the story. Do you not think you might be a bit biased? Or your friend perhaps isn't being entirely forthcoming about what lead to the relationship breakdown.