To think it's such a shame that family bonds are being destroyed and going NC is becoming more and more common?

[PinotViogner]

Just that really. I might just be an old fart desperately yearning for the old days but I was raised to believe in the importance of having family around you and I find it horribly sad that so many people I know have family that haven't spoken to them for years.

Obviously in cases where some bad behavior has gone on it's understandable but surely there's nothing that can't be worked on? Going NC is so extreme and I think should be a last case resort if done at all.

@PinotViogner nothing that can't be worked on?

well if you'd choose to spend merry family Christmases with someone that sexually abused and raped you from the age of eight over a period of about 5-6 years, crack on.
I'll give it a miss, thanks.

Family therapist of nine years here.

I'm surprised that nobody has touched upon the fact that a big reason people go NC with family members (definitely from what I've witnessed through my work) is manipulation from an abusive spouse/partner.

A key tactic that a lot of abusive people use to control their partners is isolating them from family and loved ones. Getting them away from people who care and love them to establish more control. These people can often do a great job of twisting narratives to convince people that otherwise caring family members are actually abusive themselves.

From what I've seen with patients who go NC they usually do so for reasons related to violent and emotional abuse, childhood trauma and substance abuse. But I do think it's imperative to recognise that there are plenty of people out there who have been victims to manipulative and controlling partners who have engineered a NC situation for their own gain.

I think it's for the best that people are better at cutting harmful people, family or not, out of their lives these days so I disagree with OPs statement but I do feel so very badly for parents who have lost adult DC to abusive partners. This is so much more prevalent than people think.

You would have to have been in a certain position I think to fully understand that some things just can’t be worked on.
My FIL was a vile narcissistic bully. Used to beat DH’s mum then left her for another woman skint with 6 kids. DH cut ties with him before we married due to his appalling behaviour. I was brought up with 2 parents in a very stable loving home. I just couldn’t understand why DH cut his dad off. I convinced him to rekindle their relationship. Big fucking mistake!! Vile man tried to bully my DS’s and DH was too intimidated to do anything. I on the other hand wasn’t, After that he decided he didn’t like me any more 😂 and proceeded to try and break up our marriage. We ended up going NC with him. He’s since died and DH had no feelings about that at all!!

So now you use the term extreme abuse, as if there is another form of abuse that can and should be overcome together with the abuser.

Do you even hear yourself talk? Do you understand what you are actually saying? You clearly have no understanding of what abuse can constitute but think you can be the judge of 'extreme' abuse and 'just abuse'. Anything that can be overcome is no longer abuse. It only works when the abuser accepts accountability and changes behaviour forever. This rarely happens because abusers have personality disorders, which often means they aren't seeking help and don't change.

OP, your friend will have a huge backstory which she'll be in denial of and you too. You have convinced yourself that your friends been treated unfairly and think there is a significant and rising percentage of people going NC for a not good enough reason. You are part of the problem.

Ha that's hilarious

Other people apparently go no contact because they are weak, conflict avoidant and lack your superior people skills and go NC for spurious reasons

Yet three or four posts from someone on the internet and you've already decided you would go NC with someone you've never even met

What a shining example of those skills of yours 😂

Thank you for writing this

Definitely a huge part of the discussion that has so far been left out.

It's still the result of abuse. Doesn't quite fit your narrative, eh?

Anyone who attempts to gaslight a stranger that they said something they absolutely did not is probably beyond even my skills tbh

I agree and disagree. I don't think people go more no-contsct than before. I do think there is a strong "I won't, cause I don't want to" mentality and not caring about the consequences. Like "I won't waste an afternoon to go to my cousins wedding cause invitation is not a summons" instead of thinking "thia means a lot to my cousin and my aunt. Therefore I'm happy to attend. This was a discussion I just had irl. No back story, just wasn't feeling it.

Similarly not wanting to spend time with inlaws, going LC if they are not your type of people. People's tolerance for others has reduced.

@Twatalert ...it literally vindicates my entire point! My point is that sometimes the people being NCed are the ones who are partly victimised, and that is exactly what this poster brought up.

If the only reason someone has gone NC with a family member is because they're in an abusive relationship where they have been manipulated into doing so then that makes the NCed individuals victims of this abuse too to an extent.

Did you even read that post before commenting?

I actually think that now that people are more willing to go NC, families will start to behave better towards one another and eventually it will be less common.

I'd like to agree, I certainly could never imagine going NC with my parents and I do think that people on here seem to go NC over the smallest of issues, however I'm NC with my sister and have been for 15 years.
She was abusive to the point that she made me ill with stress. She'd say the worst things imaginable and ruin every family event. I could never allow my children to be subjected to her vile words. So I have to remain NC for the sake of my mental health, but also to protect my children from her screaming and insults. They've never had to experience that kind of thing, they've lived a blessed life in that regard. I'll never speak to her again if I can help it. I've had disagreements with other family members over the years and we always make up and get over it. You just can't do that with some people, because it isn't a disagreement, it's their toxic personality that will never change. It's unhealthy to be around people like that consistently.

OP I haven't read the full thread. I think that you need to understand that NC isn't usually someone's first choice, but it's an inevitable conclusion that they come to after years, and in my case decades of physical, emotional and mental abuse. In my case it was my mother and honestly if I hadn't finally and painfully arrived at the conclusion of NC, it would have cost me my marriage to my lovely DH and stopped me being a fully present mum to my DD. Some of us have no choice and we have to make the least worse choice.

Don't blame the victim for destroying family bonds.... blame the perpetrator.
A lot of my family are NC with various others, and all of their reasons are valid. Who is to say otherwise?
It is also really hard to be NC when you still live with someone as a young adult. Both my sister and brother went NC with our dad when they left home, and for good reason. They could not do that when living there.

Seeing as your entire point seems to be hinged around people going NC for "silly and petulant" reasons I'm curious as to how you think spousal abuse vindicates this argument. Unless you think spousal abuse is a silly and petulant reason of course...

You are clutching at a lifeline someone's thrown to prove your argument when the reality is that isn't even what you were discussing at all

Oh you decided to come back after MN deleted your last reply?

But you are still convinced it's the other poster who is at fault? Okay then

For me, my parent dysfunctional marriage of domestic abuse and alcoholism ruined my early life and teens.
The dysfunctional abuse continued into my early 30's until they split up for good.
I am no contact with my Dad as he was the most aggressive and abusive one but I am also very low contact now with my mum.
As I have got older and my kids have grown I have looked back to see how she participated in kicking me down when did, never stood up for me and reduced my self esteem to nothing. No interest in a relationship with my kids, doesn't really like me and denies my version of the past.

YABU to suggest it's too common and done on a whim. I am a single mum with no other family support and I have made the choice to cut my parents out as it's less painful than have expectations of love that never materialise.

I have to say that the posters who are vehement that some people go NC for "silly reasons" probably have deeply personal reasons for wanting to believe that that's the case rather than the actual truth which is there is more often than not some form of abuse from one direction or another involved

@Neitheronethingnortheother to be fair to that poster, I DO have skills. Annoying skills of course... but that's by the by.

Obviously in cases where some bad behavior has gone on it's understandable but surely there's nothing that can't be worked on? Going NC is so extreme and I think should be a last case resort if done at all

I think this statement is very naive. Yes there are somethings that are simply unforgivable, and I'd say by making a statement like this you are lucky not to have experienced that in your family.

🤣🤣🤣

Agree it’s not a modern phenomenon. My mother cut off her very large family in the late 70’s when I was a child because they didn’t approve of her getting pregnant with her 7th child and having a shotgun wedding to her 3rd husband after having multiple affairs while married to my Dad who left her because of it. She was a terrible mother who couldn’t cope with the 6 kids so already had and the aunts, uncles and cousins she cut off gave a small bit of comfort so were sorely missed.

She also cut me and my DC off from the rest of the family 10 years ago when I confronted her about her abusive behaviour which she started on my DC. My siblings were told I was never to be mentioned again or she’d cut them off too.

It’s not always the ‘victim’ who does the cutting off. The toxic abusers do it too and it seems to be quite common from research I’ve done when they no longer toe the line.

And which post of mine exactly has been deleted? Because I can't find any.

You're just embarrassing yourself now with your misplaced smugness this might get deleted

It’s always happened and certainly not happening more than it did. We just hear about it more due to social media.

My granny fell out with her siblings when she was in her 30s after a family member died and they were all scavenging over the deceased belongs and blaming eachother for stealing. That would’ve been 60 years ago.

My dad and his brother fell out in the 1990s over pretty much nothing and never spoke again.